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3rd Trimester
Am I being harsh to my cheating H? -long
Last night I posted about how my H admitted to cheating on me several times with some girl he worked with. And I made him leave and he balled his eyes out and ended up sleeping in his car at a gas station.
Well now today he came home and he was kissing my ass big time. He even put in the video to watch my 3d ultrasound since he couldn't be there to actually see it and I've been asking him to watch it since I got it but never wanted to. He also painted the baby's room with my supervision and actually took my directions instead of getting pissed at me. Also, he made an appointment for couples counseling.
He has been really nice but anytime he tries to touch me or hug me I move away from him. He really makes me sick. He also keeps repeating that he loves me and I refuse to say it back. Of course I love him to death but I hate him so much right now. There is no way I can bring myself to say those words to him after what he has done to me.
I know this was probably childish, but after the *** hit the fan last night I took off my wedding rings... I can't look at them for what they represent after what happened.
Well he found my rings and started balling his eyes out and he put them on his chain he wears on his neck. About a half an hour later with tears in his eyes he was talking about how he wants to kill himself and how hes good for nothing etc. Then I took his hand and made him feel the baby kick for the first time ever (he never wanted to touch my stomach because he thought it was gross) and told him to say what he said again because he can't do that to his son.
Well he cried harder for a little bit but then I was talking to him nicely and he calmed down. I also made it very clear that I don't want him sleeping in our bed with me untill we get counseling...and he is really upset about that.
Am I being harsh? I think about this and feel a little guilty that I actually enjoy seeing him cry and hurting so bad.... I feel like he deserves to feel this way after what he did to me. I am wrong to feel this way? I thought he should be happy that he is even in the house and talking to me.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Am I being harsh to my cheating H? -long
Did you cut his d!ck off and shove it down his throat so that he choked to death on it??
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If not, you're not being too harsh.
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He not only needs couples counseling, but it sounds like he need private therapy as well. He cheated. You're mad. DUH! Why is he surprised that you're unhappy about it! And why is he disinterested in your child?! He sounds like he has a lot of issues he's not coming to terms with. ?
DD -- 5YO
DS -- 3YO
I don't want to give an opinion because I've never been in your situation....I don't even know what I would do if faced with your situation.... but I came across this website and maybe it would help.
https://survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp
This was my thought.
I think that if you are both going to decide to work things out and heal, he will have to understand that it will take time for you.?
I read your post last night and was concerned that he had mentioned suicide. And now he's mentioned it again? I would be very concerned about that. Either he's being manipulative and trying to prey on your sympathies or he's in a very dark place and needs help. I wouldn't take it lightly. Get into counseling as soon as possible. And if he brings up suicide again, I'd convince him to go into the ER for a behavioral health assessment.
You are in no way being harsh by not sharing a bed with him. You're not being selfish by not wanting to be touched or to tell him you love him. Even if you two work this out and move past it, you do still have to work it out. And sweeping it under the rug and returning to old routines without addressing the problem will not help in any way.
IMO, you are not being too hard on him. If anything, you're being too easy on him - there is no way in hell I would let my DH back in the house if I found out he slept with someone else.
Having said that...I read your post last night, and I think the fact that he came clean with you at least says that he's remorseful - he could have kept it from you and lied about it, and you might never have known. I really don't know what the "right" thing to do is, in your situation, if there is a right thing, but I definitely feel for you! You have to do what is right for you and your DC, and only you can know what that is.
My thoughts are with you, and I wish you GL!
You're not being harsh. You are dealing with a lot right now and he certainly doesn't understand the emotions you are feeling. That's so good that he made an appt for couples counseling and I think that counseling will help him to really understand why you don't want him to touch you, why you don't want him in bed with you. Until then... yeah, he will probably keep crying over it.
Maybe just sit him down and explain that it's hard for you to make him understand but you would appreciate that he honor your requests until you've gone to counseling?
Mama Jan's Kitchen... a food blog
And I want to add that this is totally normal. You are hurting and you want him to hurt as much as you do. Totally normal. In time, it will fade. And counseling will help you through that too.
Mama Jan's Kitchen... a food blog
i completely agree with all of this!
Oh gosh sorry you are having to go through this, you are being so strong. I tried to look for the post last night I missed it but couldnt find it, can someone post the link I am interested to see the original post.
Don't ever think you are. WHat you meant when you said your vows is sacred. I am glad he has remorse and wants counseling. Just stand strong and don't give in because his actions speak much louder than his words and he needs to prove to you that he is sincere in his words by showing you.
This whole situation just makes me mad.
If I remember some of your older posts correctly, your husband has a history of being verbally abusive towards you (calling you fat, saying he wasn't attractive to you because of the baby belly, saying other horrific things) and has NEVER shown an interest in the baby. I think he may have even made comments about how he wasn't sure he wanted the baby...
Your husband is an a$$ and doesn't deserve you. You have put up with his sh!t for far too long - I would have left him by now, and this cheating situation really puts it over the edge. It's taken this situation for him to finally show you some kindness and to show interest in his child? Please. He is abusive and manipulative. I truly think he is playing the suicide card to make YOU feel bad for HIM. Classic abusive partner. The next time he says it, I would call 911 so he can be evaluated, just to make sure he knows you are going to take the threats seriously - and I am a social worker in a psychiatric hospital, so I hear this a lot.
Are you being too harsh? You're not being harsh enough. You need to get a backbone and some self esteem. Stand up for yourself, and more importantly for your child. Is this the type of example you want set? Your husband has been abusive in the past and has now confirmed that he is a cheater in addition to all of the other d!ck things he's done. Usually, these types of people do not change. Ever. He will do it again. He will do whatever he can to smooth this over, and will slowly revert back to the person he was before, treating you just like he did before this incident.
You deserve better. I suggest you get into counseling with someone who works with domestic abuse issues.
she read my mind
No, you're not being harsh. I would have kicked his ass out, filed for divorce, and taken him to the cleaners. [Cheating is a dealbreaker for me.]
How you deal with it is up to you and not to anyone else, but no... I definitely don't think you're being harsh.
If my DH cheated on me and I was contemplating staying with him, he certainly wouldn't even be allowed to stay here with me until my decision was made, so IMHO, it's nice that you're even allowing him to return home this quickly.
I don't know how I would handle things if I was in your place. I think you are handling it well. I probably would have dumped all his stuff on the lawn and set them on fire.
I agree with making him sleep on the couch. He shouldn't be allowed back into the intimacy of your bed. That is something he is going to have to earn. I think it is great that you are both going to go to couples counseling and work on keeping your marriage moving forwards.
this
Your situation reminds me of my mom and manipulative dad all sweetness after cheating- confessing to clear his conscious just to do it again and again. What about STD's? I know you don't want to hear this but he sounds like a master manipulator. Not a 3 tri- I know, but this strikes such a chord in me.
Gee, where do I begin?
First let me say his threats about death are a scare tactic he's using to control you. My ex husband did the same crap. Don't fall for it. At least you won't get charged with murder.
Secondly, he feels bad he got caught. Period.
Next, mourn your loss. The loss of truth in which you felt you had. Mourn the loss of what was supposed to be. Don't feel bad about the way he feels. Feel bad about the way you feel. It's time to be selfish. It's time for YOU. Obviously it wasn't your time when he was with that b!tch.
Last but not least, make your decision based on your heart and don't let family or friends influence what you do. You know what you should do. If you can honestly forgive, then your relationship has half a chance. I say half because it's not totally up to you. The other 50% lies in the hands of, as of now, an untrustworthy man. God, Counseling and time have all been know to save marriages. Is this one worth fighting for?
Good luck to you and your family. I'm so sorry your going through such a hard experience from the man who was supposed to protect you. I'll say a prayer for you tonight.
Sincerely,
Kimmie
As hard as it is right now, put yourself, your needs and that baby first. I second the calling police if he makes suicide threats again.
Also- in the event you may leave, or if, hopefully not, this thing would happen in the future, keep a journal of what's going on and dates. DH cheated on me (and had ended it) and came clean the day of my D&C, of all days, which was also our anniversary. I was sooo upset contacted a lawyer, the whole 9. The lawyers best advise was to keep a journal and kep it out of the house where he can't find it. Mine is at work in a locked drawer.
good luck
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she totally read my mind. I ditto everything she said plus i wanted to add: be strong for yourself, but most importantly for your baby. send this sorry example of a man to the curb and get counseling for yourself. I would've never let him back in and if he tried to me tell me that he was going to kill himself i would've asked him what he needed. He's totally bluffing. typical abusive manipulative behavior. call his bluff and send him to a psychiatric hospital. keep him away from your baby you deserve better than this and you know it.
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The last couple posts have been really good. I have to start by saying that I remember you posting several times back in February about your husband. I actually found this post:
https://community.thebump.com/cs/ks/forums/thread/10806382.aspx
Sorry to sound harsh in that post, but it really seemed like you needed a reality check.
Now I just feel so bad for you. Your husband sounds like a total d*ck (from what you have posted) and now he has cheated. You have only been married 10 months. You are only 22. Do you really want to deal with this crap for the next 50 years? You are SOOOO much better than that. I don't know you, but I KNOW that as a woman, you are 100 times better alone that with a manipulative, cheating ass. Yes, he is manipulating you by acting all sweet and crying and saying he will kill himself without you or whatever. That is a cycle of abuse, which makes me wonder if he has ever been verbally or physically abusive, because that sounds sooo much like the stuff I learned about common abusive behavior. It is a cycle. He will beg, cry, make threats to kill himself, maybe pretend to kill himself and then you will take him back, he will go back to normal and a year from now he will do this all again.
Really take the time to think about YOU and what YOU want. You are not a failure if you get divorced. In my opinion, cheating is a deal breaker. There are a few rare circumstances where this is not true, but generally I have only seen marriages last after cheating, when the marriage has been strong for 10-20 years prior to that. You guys should still be in the honeymoon stage. What the hell is he doing out with another girl!!???
Oh and you will be a much better mother without having to deal with this sh*t all the time. Single Moms rock. I was one for 2 years. I left my daughters bio-father (she was a surprise and fortunately I did not marry the loser) when she was just a few months old. It was tough, but I came out on the other side a much better Mom and person. Now I am married to a man that actually deserves my love, attention, commitment, etc.
Trust is such a precious thing. In my opinion, once you have lost trust in someone, there is very little left. How can you get past this without trust? Seems like a long road of fights, jealousy, resentment and bitterness. I wouldn't wish that kind of marriage on anyone.
Just know that if you decide to leave him, that one day you will find a guy worthy of your trust. You are so young, you have everything in front of you. Take it from me - the girl that had a kid with a loser at age 20 - you deserve better for yourself and for your son.
Good luck!
Too harsh?
Ha! I'd be loading, cocking and handing the gun to my DH if he ever pulled that BS!
Yes - 100%!