trying really hard to bite my tongue . . . (long vent)

courtneyaok · March 2009

So, I've been friends with my best friend for like, 12 years, though it's been lukewarm at times. Everytime we go through some kind of life-transition (I went away to college, she stayed home; when each of us got married; now when I'm expecting) she gets funny and we lose touch a bit -- each time we grow a bit further apart.

Well, now I just want to say "I'm done." I know part of it's hormones, but I'm so so so sick of this kind of behavior. I went on bedrest at 23 weeks, and the only time she bothered to call was when she wanted to get together for her birthday (7 weeks later!). I called quite a few times, left voicemails (not to the point of harassment, just a "hey how are you, I'm bored" kind of a call) and it really annoys and offends me that she couldn't call back until she wanted something -- ie, her birthday present. Oh, did I mention that I've been overnight in the hospital twice, and she never bothered to say anything?

So, okay, I go to lunch with her and her sister because I'd been moved to modified bedrest -- which she corrects me on the definition of, since she's never been pregnant and has no clue what she's talking about, and then proceeds to tell me all about how I'm going to "go early." Obviously, I left even more p.o.'d than when I arrived.

The same kind of behavior has continued the whole time. All of a sudden though, now that I'm getting toward the end of the pregnancy (she knows I'm delivering c/s in 2 1/2 weeks) she started calling. She's called twice a day for a week (which I've ignored because I think I'll just start screaming at her out of frustration), and now myspaced me with a "I'm just concerned" e-mail. I wrote back, not nastily, just to the point, saying that since she only seemed to call when she wants something, I didn't figure she'd care to know how I was doing. So she writes back with a "of course I care!". BS! If you cared, you would have called before now! Now I just want you to leave me alone!

Sorry, I just needed to get this out of my system. Vent over.

MidwestTexan · March 2009

Yeah, I'd be done with her, too.

HopingForOne · March 2009

I don't have any advice, but I've dealt with the same thing before. Sometimes it IS better to cut your ties than deal with the frustration.

However...if you DO think that pregnancy hormones could be influencing your emotions, you could always wait and re-evaluate once baby is born, and you are thinking more clearly

bsmith986 · March 2009

I completely understand where you are coming from.. some people just come around when something new and exciting is happening. I try to rely on the ones i know will be around even for the most uneventful and boring times too.

opallover · March 2009

It's so cool to vent and I totally know how you feel. I would though give her the benefit of the doubt... she may need it.

KimnCurt · March 2009

At least she is trying now. Better late than never? I have an ex-best friend that I went through the same thing with. We still don't talk. I got tired of taking the initiative to call her and write her and never got any responses back. Finally I wrote her a letter and pretty much said have a nice life. She never responded to that either.

Good friends are hard to come by and you never know when you might need them. If you can forgive her I would try. Just don't put too much energy into the friendship until you are getting the same energy back. She might be really jealous of your being pregnant and is just now getting over it.

GL

hollyjohn · March 2009

Awww hon!! I'm sorry. But if it's any kind of consolation to you, I've had two friends like that lately. They hardly ever call or come over. And to me that is not a true friend. A friend is somebody that is always there for you when you need her. I'm not sure if people act that way because of jealousy or what, but it's very annoying when you really need someone and they aren't there for you. And it kinda stinks too because right now, we need all the friends we can get, right?? Hope you feel better soon.

emaria · March 2009

from what i've read i wouldn't say you're being hormonal, i think you're being realistic. she seems like the type of person that bothers with you only when she wants something from you and the fact that she thinks she knows more about your pregnancy than you do and she hasn't even been pregnant before is way out of line. i'd call her and give her a thorough explanation of the way you feel (i wouldn't leave any detail out) and tell her that you think you both need to move on.

ashleyvc1 · March 2009

I lost my BF when DD #1 was born. I called HER after DD was born and she talked about herself the whole time, never sent a card, gift, even CALLED me.....then I called her 3 weeks after that and got no answer. Left her a message saying "merry Christmas" another one at NY and then I got a nasty email from her how I was harassing her and she doesn't have time to be my friend....I am so thankful that she is out of my life now...hurt still but I don't need that!

Sorry, I totally understand what you are going through

Jami lynn · March 2009

Sounds to me like maybe she was jealous in the beginning and now she's kinda over it and wants to be invovled..... but i'd consider it too late.

Kerrbearr75 · March 2009

I have had something similar with 2 friends and have yet to have them come around like your friend has. While I do see a bit of the 'too little too late', i would take a middle of the road approach...e.g. minimal contact. There is a history there and no reason to be rude and cut the person off, but maybe stop reaching out. Be nice when she calls, send an email once in a while, but don't expect anything in return. For me what has been the hardest part is that I expected these friends to continue to be friends, but up to the level I would do, and I have to realize that people react to things differently and I have had to admit that those friends are really mostly about themselves which has been hard to see that they don't care as much as I thought they did. I know that in most cases like these as pp said, there is some jealousy involved however as grown adults we need to be able to move past such things (meaning the friends need to get over themselves). I feel for you and hope things get better!

angeltex · March 2009

I would be done too.

Hi725 · March 2009

I had the same thing happen with a friend of mine right before my wedding. When I told her how I was feeling, she pulled the same "of course I care" routine. We got through the wedding (she was a BM), and I called her a few times afterwards to invite her to dinner at our house, catch a movie, etc. She flaked out so I cut her loose. i haven't spoken to her in over 3 years.

Life is way too short to waste time on the people who aren't worth it. Cut her loose and concentrate on the people in your life who do care.

Mrslove78 · March 2009

So, the whole time I'm reading this, I can't help but wonder if there is something a little off with her... Like chemically imbalanced or whatever?

Pehaps she's using meds to help her, and is now able to function more normally.

I'd write her a long email saying, okay this is the deal.... you don't return my calls for weeks on end, the suddenly you expect me to jump because you call me, and you think it's acceptable to "correct my use of phrases that I know all too well". At least if you break off your friend ship it will be obvious why.

angel555 · March 2009

IMHO, you're doing the right thing in cutting her out of your life. Your life is about to get TONS more hectic; the last thing you need to deal with is her drama. If it helps, I've been through a similar situation twice before with supposed "close" friends. My advice is to do what you're thinking of doing: cut her out and simplify your life!

Tinkermeg · March 2009

I had the same thing happen with "friends" when I get married and now that I've having a baby. At least with some of those people, they were unsecure with how their lives were going and when my life changed, they couldn't deal with it.

I'm sorry you're going through this...it makes you value real friendship, though.

CoryBride · March 2009

It is very difficult to loose a friend, especially someone who you thought was a really good friend, a true friend. The truth is that people come in and out of our lives for a reason. Sometimes the reason is clear and other times it becomes clear when they're gone. My best friend, who I called my sister for 30 years, cut me out of her life after I got married and she was no longer my number one priority. It hurt more than I can say, but I've come to see that the relationship was always one sided and everyone else saw it when I could not. Now that I look back, I realize that I was always a better friend to her than she ever was to me, and I deserve better. So do you! Don't forget that!!!

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