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Babies: 9 - 12 Months
REALLY freaked out. What to do next?? Long.
OK -- this is really long, and I understand if you don't want to read it. I was asked by our DCP to find out if anyone at my institution needed childcare, as one of the infants she looks after was leaving -- the reason cited was that the grandmother had lost her job and the parents wanted to be able to provide her with childcare income. I posted, and I received a negative message in reply from a fellow parent at my institution. When I asked him to elaborate, this is what I received:
I don't know how old your kid is. That place might be OK for babies,
but it's up to you to decide, obviously.
Our son was there from ~July to ~October last year. He was one and a
half at that time. Our nanny got a "real job", and we had a month to find a childcare place.
Unfortunately for us, someone posted an ad about ****'s place on the **** Parenting List shortly before that (as **** asks parents to seek clients for her - it was someone from **** who was terminating a contract with her due to relocation - at least, that's the story that I was told). **** lives a couple of blocks from us, so we thought that it would be ideal to place our kid into her childcare.
We noticed a change in the behavior of our son in just a week or two
after he started going to ****'s place. He became franticly scared of ****'s house; he would cry and beg not to approach the place from far away. I was dropping him off, my wife was picking him up. When our son would see my wife at the end of the day, he would sprint to her, grab her, start crying, and would not let go. If we would mention ****'s name at home - it was a recipe to get a crying kid with scared eyes.
Obviously, we thought that it was just a transition period, and we
decided to ignore this behavior. It took us around a month to realize that everything is going to get only worse... Our son became scared of other people. He would constantly hold to us, and would not let go when we were outside. If someone whom he does not know would start talking to him - he would start crying. We went for a doctor's appointment one day - he would not let the doctor touch him or would not let me let him go.
My wife and I started spending more time during the drop off and pick up time at ****'s place. We noticed that our son was very, very
scared of the "cave" downstairs where **** keeps the kids. He would not touch toys that she had on her main floor of the house, which looked rather unfamiliar to him. Once I spent around 15 minutes with him in the morning when there was a baby downstairs, in the basement. Not once **** went there to check on that baby. Another time, when my wife went there to pick our son up - **** spend around 10 minutes upstairs with her. There were crying kids downstairs, as well as a person fixing either plumbing or smth else knocking at pipes. Not once, **** went downstairs to check if everything is OK.
When we were just starting there, there were two toddlers. (One of them left after we started.) I remember being surprised whenever I saw them quietly playing with their toys, not communicating with each other, not running around, not doing what toddlers are "supposed to do". Our son's behavior at home also started to "melt down", after he started attending ****'s place. He would not touch things that are not his toys, he would ALWAYS try to put his toys back to where he were getting
them from, he would spend a lot of time quietly sitting somewhere. I
guess some parents would love to have less headache, but it did not go well with us.
Our son started at a different place last October, and we have our
smiling, active, friendly, and chatty son back!!! His recent progress
was incredible. He is going to be two in April, and he already knows a
lot of words. He asks questions and makes sentences.
He sings songs and dances. (For example, he knows all the moves and
words of "the wheels on the bus" song). He comes back home
with art projects at least twice a week. He counts to 13. He plays
hide-and-seek. He laughs for so long! He adores his new childcare
place. He talks about his friends and teachers there, he jumps from my arms to the arms of the lady who runs the childcare. He throws kisses to her...
Finally, we feel a huge relief, and we are so happy that the ****
story is OVER for us. I hope our son will not remember
that part of his life in the future.
DD has never seemed frightened there...she reaches out to the DCP when we arrive, and is always happy and smiling when I go to pick her up. I've never been a fan of the designated childcare area being in the basement, but the DCP is Montessori trained, the kids seemed happy, etc. When our DCP was upstairs talking to me, I always assumed that her daughter, who helps her run the childcare, was downstairs with the other children. I don't know what to do...it's so difficult to get infant care in my area, and I have had nothing but good vibes from her, but this message scares the crap out of me...what should I do next???
This discussion has been closed.
Re: REALLY freaked out. What to do next?? Long.
well, I think you take that person's message as a warning and you pay attention to your kid. I would maybe show up early to pick up just to "surprise" them. If your child has any changes in personality you act on it.
I don't think you know that person who wrote that right? So who knows for sure what their motivation is to write something like that.
But you do need to consider it and watch for changes in your child and take them seriously.
BFP #2 12/31/2010 (EDD 9/1/11) -- Natrual m/c 1/9/10
BFP #3 12/20/2011 - EDD 8/25/12
u/s 1/6/12 - HB & beautiful bean
A/S 4/2 - It's a Girl!!!
RCS on 8/20/12
I do think it's odd that this DCP makes a history of asking her kids' parents to recruit new children to watch.
DS1 born June 2008 | m/c at 9w March 2011 | DS2 born April 2012
I agree with this. You never know what someone's motivation is. I would definitely try to figure out what goes on at daycare. I would also keep an eye on your DD and watch her behavior. If you see any of the same patterns, that should be a red flag. I believe very heavily in mother's instincts, follow your gut, and keep your eyes open. Good luck.
Thank you, ladies. I don't know the person who sent me the message -- I work at a very large institution (1000s of employees), but he is a relatively senior person. I think you're right that I should just show up early...in the past, I have called ahead just to be courteous. I haven't noticed any changes...DD is a very outgoing, vocal, happy baby, and if anything has become more so since going there. I don't even know how to contact the other parents...but I'll think of a reason to find out. This is really stressing me out...I'm going to talk to DH about it tonight as well.
Edit: This is making me feel physically ill -- I want to go pick her up right now, and I wish I could. Blurg. I'm going to get her the minute I finish what I have to do for the day, and I'll be damned if I'm calling ahead.
wow, yeah, that email would freak me out as well. I felt all nervous inside while I was reading his response to you. It sounds like he's a respected, articulate person who doesn't strike me as the type to BS about something like this. However, who knows if his child's reaction was actually due to a situation at the DCP or if he was having separation issues and would've been that way regardless of where he was. He did make some valid points that would concern me a great deal (i.e. the plumber being alone with the children, leaving the children unattended for long periods of time).
I agree with the PPs about just showing up unannounced one day to see what goes on during the day when parents aren't typically around. No matter what vibe I initially had, I would certainly take that email to heart and investigate further. My thought is what does this guy have to lose or gain by telling you this information? It seems legit to me, but again it could've just been separation issues.
My Etsy Store PIGGY'S PLACE
I would keep in mind his child was much older than yours. ?Your child is so much younger and more "forgiving" I guess you could say. ?I would take the information seriously, but I'm also curious why this parent kept his child in this place so long if it was so bad.. and why not report what happened? ?I mean his child was showing signs of abuse and neglect. ?Why did this guy wait around?
?
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I'd be totally freaked out and I don't blame you for wanting to leave. Get a stomach ache - whatever - and go get your baby. I'm not saying to pull her out altogether, but an unannounced drop in is most certainly in order.
As a mother that uses a nanny and lives in an area that mostly employs nannies, I depend a lot on the eyes and ears of people in my community - my doormen, the SAHM's that see my nanny with my baby day to day, etc. I think that this person did the right thing by letting you know what their experience was with the DCP. That being said, as pp have noted, it is sometimes difficult to know what someone's motivation is. I would have been on the phone immidiately with that person wanting more information.
Yeah, that confused me too. I actually e-mailed him again after what pp had mentioned about reporting the problem to ask if he did report it, and if not, what made him decide not to. Hopefully he'll respond. I did wonder if it was separation issues, but if it was, why would he be so happy at his new daycare? I don't know...but I'm going to get to the bottom of this one way or another.
This is a good idea, and I just checked after reading your post, but found nothing...and she's been in business for 20 years. Or so she told me. Honestly, I feel terrible about this, but we probably didn't do as much digging as we should have before taking DD there. Our county is pretty watchful, and we got a good feeling from her, and we talked to another parent who had left b/c they got a slot at a daycare closer to their workplace...and didn't hear anything negative.
I know...unfortunately someone in my position just doesn't call someone in his position, if you know what I mean. It would be like a mid-level employee just up and calling the CEO. Frick.
I think if he took the time to write you that email, he'll be happy to take 5 mintutes to discuss. I'd email him back and say, "Thanks. I have to admit you have me quite worried. When you have a few minutes, do you mind if I call you to discuss for 5 minutes." I'm a relatively senior person at my company (not CEO level but I work with senior management daily) and I'm sure you will not be out of line in asking. Not trying to pressure you.. just reassure you in case you're nervous about reaching out.
That would scare the hell out of me. I would do a ton of drop in's at all different times (Have a family member or friend do it if needed).
Also, I think if that person took the time to send you that long of an e-mail, it would be ok to call him, and I would definitely call him and at least thank him for t eh info and see if he has anything else he can tell you.
IMHO...I would be finding a new d/c asap. It's not worth taking any chances.
He contacted you. You have every right to reply, especially since it concerns your child's well-being.
I think you got some pretty good responses, and I wasn't going to respond because it would've been redunant (keep an eye, show up early, etc.).
However, I wanted to tell you, though I'm sure you know, under no circumstances should you let the DCP know you have concerns. If she is abusing/neglecting the kids, you telling her anything may make it worse for your daughter.
I hope you figure all this out soon and can either get DD to a new place or rest easy in your decision.
Exactly this.
I would contact some of the other parents, drop in, and check out the basement area. I would be very uneasy about her leaving little ones in the basement alone (or even with her daughter) while she is upstairs chatting. Not cool.
Ditto.
I would ask to call him and discuss. I'd want to get more info and a better feel for this guy and what he's saying. I can't imagine it would be inappropriate to call him (just ask him first). He sent you a very lengthy email. He obviously cares about this situation and I'd imagine he'd have no problem talking with you.
I agree with others, do drop in. I have to ask, you've mentioned calling ahead a couple times. Did your DCP ask you to call ahead when you are picking up DC early? Or is that just something you chose to do on your own. I realize you're not planning on calling today, but in the past why did you? I would be very suspicious if a DCP asked to call ahead.
And I have to say, I think its really odd and weird that your DCP asked you to try and get clients for her. I mean, I guess its a good thing because you heard about this, but still very weird.
Natalie summed up perfectly everything I was going to say. Good luck.
I've worked in an office environment like that, and if one of the "higher-ups" replied to me with an email like that concerning the care of my child, I wouldn't hesitate to call him. It sounds like he wants to help you, so I really think he'll speak with you.
She did ask me to call ahead...her stated reason was that she could get DD ready to go that way. Made sense to me at the time, but now I wonder. It's funny -- I didn't think of it as strange that she asked me to help her find a new client, b/c my employer really is the main one in the area and would be her primary source of potential parents. I found her the same way.
After I talk to DH about this tonight and try to wrap my head around how I feel, I think I'll take your advice and call the gentleman who e-mailed me. You ladies are fantastic...I think sometimes it just takes outside/objective input to help someone figure out what they really knew was the right thing to do.