My mother doesn't want to be a Grandmother (part 2)...

Kendall13 · March 2009

Just to give you the highlights...

-My mother told her siblings that she didn't want to be a grandmother. Apparently she is too young at 50 to handle it.

-When she found out that we were PG she said, "Well, now you've gone and ruinned your marriage. Your father loved me before we had you."

-She hasn't called or said a word to me since the middle of Jan. The last time I tried to call her, her new hubby (who she married after only KNOWING him for 54 days) answered and said that he didn't want to her speak to me right now. This same man has cursed at me and told my little sister that he "kills little girls like her." Awesome...

Those are just a few of her fine moments. So, flash forward to late March and the baby shower. DH's aunt offered to throw us one and I didn't invite my mother. I invited her siblings, my siblings, etc... but I didn't invite her. She hasn't even called one time to see how I'm feeling, etc. She doesn't even know that we are having a boy!

My Grandmother called today to beg me to invite my mother. She said that I should reach out to her and try to repair the relationship. Umm... WHAT!?!

Maybe I'm being irrational here, but what am I going to say to her? "Hi Mom, just calling to see if you want to be a part of my life yet?" WTF!?!

Sorry, but I'm just really frustrated. It's not easy for me to know that my mother isn't going to be around, but I can't force someone to be a part of my life... and I certainly can't force her to be a responsible, kind, loving, and caring grandmother. I just feel like she had made it pretty clear that she doesn't have any interest in being a part of my pregnancy or our LO's life.

kimsy · March 2009

Wow, I'm really sorry!

It's your day and I think you should do what is going to make it great for you. I wouldn't invite her either, from the sound of it.

choltbaby · March 2009

I cannot even imagine this! You did nothing wrong! Maybe its just my stubborness but there is NO WAY I would give in and apologize.

FutureHardings · March 2009

I'm really sorry you're going through this... I can't imagine what it's like. But as you have said, you can't force her to be a part of your life, and it sounds like she needs a reality check. Maybe leaving her out will give her the shock she needs... you never know. And to me, it sounds like this new husband of hers is a main part of the problem. But I don't know the whole situation...

west_indy · March 2009

My Father has done the same thing to me...I have not talked to him since mid January. I am going to invite him to the Shower even though he will not come. I am going to put a special letter in his invitation, that will display my true feelings, but will also remind him that it is completely on him if he plans to be a part of his first grandchilds life. It is hard to accept that they are not willing to be a part of there grandchildrens lives, but maybe its for the best. Also note that when they see that innocent little face, it will be hard to resist.

I say send an invite, but give one last attemt to reach out to your mom and tell her how you really feel. After that, send pics of the baby just to keep her in the loop...Her loss, not yours.

Stella's_PUMPED · March 2009

sounds like your mother is a "piece of work". I agree w/ you though, I wouldn't call her or invite her either. Especially if her H speaks to your sister that way! your baby doesn't need to be exposed to your mother's H or your mother's attitude. It's important for kids to see healthy relationships and it doesn't seem like your mom is anywhere near healthy.

Honestly I wouldn't even talk about it w/ grandma. No parent wants to acknowledge that their child is what your mother turned out to be, that's probably why she wants to believe that there's hope for your mom to change. I feel bad for your grandma but you need to do what is best for you and your family and keeping your mother away seems like it's a wise decision on your part.

mel1987 · March 2009

Wow, that's really intense! I say call her, just one last time.. you can't both be stubborn. I understand that she is in the wrong, but maybe she doesn't understand the severity of her actions. One last call to let her know it's now or never is in order IMO. Good luck with everything, your mother there or not!

jjwheat1007 · March 2009

I couldn't have someone that negative in my life, even if it was a loved one. Maybe it was time you made some peace with that and move on to people who actually care. I'm sorry you're going through this, but mother's are people too with their own problems. Sometimes you just have to let them deal with it and hope that they come out better for it on the other side. Good luck - but I wouldn't invite her.

emaria · March 2009

i'd take the same stance you are. you're not obligated to reach out to someone who isn't willing to reach out to you, family or otherwise. and i think it's rather presumptuous of your grandmother to expect you to fix what your mother has broken. i would keep her out of your life until she's willing to be a loving, selfless mother and grandmother instead of a creator of needless drama.

thatgirlang · March 2009

I am so sad to read this. My mom and I have been through a lot. She wasn't too thrilled when I got pregnant (she hated DH and we'd only been married for 3 months) and she didn't want to be CALLED grandma (she chose Mom Mom instead) but in the end she came through for me and the pregnancy and baby made us closer.

I wish you and your mom COULD repair things for the baby's sake... but I don't think it should be up to you. SHE's the mom and should be big enough to come to you, apologize, and be supportive. And as for the shower itself, you don't need the tension on that day of her being there with the attitude she's already shown. Even if she's ready to change her tune, patching things up at your shower doesn't sound like the right setting.

But I hope you work things out somehow. It might not happen until after the baby is here. But I hope it happens.

JennifernKevin4ever · March 2009

I am sorry that she is being that way. She should be the one reaching out. She is your mother and she should be there for you no matter what.

SouthernSCWife · March 2009

OMG... I am almost too stunned for words. It sounds like your mom is very self centered and perhaps she isn't ready to be a grandmother. For that very reason, I wouldn't go out of my way to include her. She's only going hurt herself in the end because this baby is going to be doted upon by your hubby's family along with every one else in yours as well. One day she'll realize that your son is close with everyone else but her.

It's hard to just detach yourself from her those hurt feelings because she is your Mom, but try to focus on everyone else who is helping make this a happy time for you. Maybe she'll see what she's doing and talk to you eventually, but if she doesn't, pity her, not yourself.

However, I must say that that little bit of info about your little sister concerns me the most. Is it possible that there's some abuse going on there?

mooninlv · March 2009

wow, that's a shame. i'm sorry you're having to go through all this. i'm very close with my mom and she is super excited - like crazy excited. i can't imagine how tough that is. just enjoy your pregnancy and all the happiness it's bringing into your life and hopefully she will come around eventually.

Kendall13 · March 2009

SouthernSCWife:

OMG... I am almost too stunned for words.   It sounds like your mom is very self centered and perhaps she isn't ready to be a grandmother.   For that very reason, I wouldn't go out of my way to include her.   She's only going hurt herself in the end because this baby is going to be doted upon by your hubby's family along with every one else in yours as well.   One day she'll realize that your son is close with everyone else but her.

It's hard to just detach yourself from her those hurt feelings because she is your Mom, but try to focus on everyone else who is helping make this a happy time for you.   Maybe she'll see what she's doing and talk to you eventually, but if she doesn't, pity her, not yourself.

However, I must say that that little bit of info about your little sister concerns me the most.   Is it possible that there's some abuse going on there?

My little sister is 19... so she isn't that "little". She is in college and doesn't live at home. Ever since that comment she hasn't seen or spoken to either of them.

SouthernSCWife · March 2009

Kendall13:
SouthernSCWife:

My little sister is 19... so she isn't that "little". She is in college and doesn't live at home. Ever since that comment she hasn't seen or spoken to either of them.

Whew... that had me worried. But still... try mot to stress about your mom. It's unfortunate and very sad, but she's hurting herself.

lsvilpa · March 2009

Hi Kendall,

this is actually my first post here at bump.com, but I thought it was important enough for me to chime in.

A long time ago (before I was even married) I had a huge discussion with my father and he was acting a lot like your mother is acting now. It was his personality and he did the same with other people. I stopped calling him because I felt that he was the "older one" and therefore was the one who needed to reach out to me. I felt that he was wrong and I was right (oh, well, I still think that I was right) and so I shouldn't do anything else. We didn't talk for years.

In my culture, we traditionally use the father's (my father) last name for the baby's (my baby) middle name, but I was so upset that I gave my son my grandfather's name instead. I didn't invite my father to my wedding (in fact, my mom tried, in vain, to call my father to ask him to participate and he refused) and I added my step-father's name in the invitation instead of my father's.

In 2005, when my son was turning 3, I found out he was in critical state after an abdominal surgery, and I flew in with my DS to be with him and swallow my pride. My father was dying of pancreatic cancer and I stayed with him for the last 6 months of his life - all in the hospital.

What I am trying to say is that, there are things a lot more important than our own pride. If I could go back all those years I would. Funny thing is that I had a dream with my father last night, that he was visiting me now that I am pregnant again. The last time I saw him he said he was going to visit me once he got out of the hospital, and that of course, never happened.

Please, please! Give your mother a chance to be part of your life and for the sake of your child, try to be proactive. I know, you know, she knows, that she is the wrong one in this story, but really, that does NOT matter in the bigger scheme of things, she is your mother and people make mistakes all the time (we all do). Even if you don't want to call her, send her an invitation and hope for the best. Be the better person. At least, you will never regret like I am.

I hope all the best to you and to your pregnancy. I am sorry you are going through this in this very special time.

Beaming_Bride · March 2009

While I think that lsvilpa makes some good points above, the last thing that you need right now is more stress and negativity, especially at a joyous occasion like your baby shower. Rather than calling and laying a guilt trip on you, your grandmother should have called your mother, her daughter, and laid into her about how selfish and cruel she is being.

Kendall13 · March 2009

lsvilpa:

Hi Kendall,

this is actually my first post here at bump.com, but I thought it was important enough for me to chime in.

A long time ago (before I was even married) I had a huge discussion with my father and he was acting a lot like your mother is acting now. It was his personality and he did the same with other people. I stopped calling him because I felt that he was the "older one" and therefore was the one who needed to reach out to me. I felt that he was wrong and I was right (oh, well, I still think that I was right) and so I shouldn't do anything else. We didn't talk for years.

In my culture, we traditionally use the father's (my father) last name for the baby's (my baby) middle name, but I was so upset that I gave my son my grandfather's name instead. I didn't invite my father to my wedding (in fact, my mom tried, in vain, to call my father to ask him to participate and he refused) and I added my step-father's name in the invitation instead of my father's.

In 2005, when my son was turning 3, I found out he was in critical state after an abdominal surgery, and I flew in with my DS to be with him and swallow my pride. My father was dying of pancreatic cancer and I stayed with him for the last 6 months of his life - all in the hospital.

What I am trying to say is that, there are things a lot more important than our own pride. If I could go back all those years I would. Funny thing is that I had a dream with my father last night, that he was visiting me now that I am pregnant again. The last time I saw him he said he was going to visit me once he got out of the hospital, and that of course, never happened.

Please, please! Give your mother a chance to be part of your life and for the sake of your child, try to be proactive. I know, you know, she knows, that she is the wrong one in this story, but really, that does NOT matter in the bigger scheme of things, she is your mother and people make mistakes all the time (we all do). Even if you don't want to call her, send her an invitation and hope for the best. Be the better person. At least, you will never regret like I am.

I hope all the best to you and to your pregnancy. I am sorry you are going through this in this very special time.

This isn't about pride and about not wanting to be the first to reach out. It would be one thing if this was a first for her, but it tends to be a habit. As a single person I always reached out to her and took care of her... as a wife and mother I'm having a harder time dealing with her. I just keep thinking that I would never do that to my own children. It's one thing to make a mistake as a parent, and quite another to make it a habit.

I'm struggling with the thought of whether I should allow my mom to check in and out of my life anymore, since that now effects my child's life. This isn't about whether or not I WANT to forgive her and move on... this is about whether it is worth it... and about whether or not I want to spend the rest of my life making excuses for her.

She is 50 years old and needs to get her sh*t together. If she doesn't think that family is important now, who says that she ever will?

jaxgev · March 2009

With all due respect to lsvilpa, I have to admit that I agree with PPs regarding cutting the negativity/toxic people out of your life. Your mom sounds like she could be going through menopause right now which could make her out to be a flaming dragon (at least mine was).

I've been estranged from my father and sister since 2002 because of similar immature, self-centered behavior. However, my father also molested me as a child and my sister tried to kill me when I was 14 so it's a little more serious. I tried to forgive and forget, to which lsvilpa alluded. Unfortunately, they weren't mature enough to understand the tenets of courtesy, respect and love. I made a conscious decision seven years ago to cut them out of my life and let me tell you, my life improved DRASTICALLY. I get the occasional guilt trip from my mom telling me to make amends but I've grown up past them, her and anyone else who expects me to ever stoop to their level again. This doesn't mean you piss on their grave when they pass. It just means you acknowledge the difference in opinions, lifestyles and values and you agree to disagree. You grow apart. It's only natural. However, if your mom's is hormonal (i.e. menopause-based) then you should just check in every couple years or so or wait for her to come around.

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