Sincere, possibly offensive, question

toddandleah · March 2009

DEW1027:
I am an intelligent person with a college degree and had great jobs--- but no job is more important than raising our daughter myself. To us, we didn't want children unless I could be the one to make them into the little people they will become, I cherish every moment that I have with her. Plus I think it's the hardest job out there at times. Love it!

Ditto, and very well said...exactly what I would write.

cfitz16 · March 2009

Once you have a baby, ALL of your priorities change. I'm an attorney and was always driven, but suddenly that priority goes away.

KellyNAaron · March 2009

You certainly dont have to stay at home. But if you do, think of it this way: you may have more time (once DC is a bit older) to volunteer with charities and truely make a different and help "change the world"

But there really is no better job that to ensure that you raise your child the way that you feel is best/right. Our children are the future of this country so what better way to make a difference in the world than to raise a child that is loving, conscientious, and well rounded.

AlisaS · March 2009

KellyNAaron:

You certainly dont have to stay at home. But if you do, think of it this way: you may have more time (once DC is a bit older) to volunteer with charities and truely make a different and help "change the world"

But there really is no better job that to ensure that you raise your child the way that you feel is best/right. Our children are the future of this country so what better way to make a difference in the world than to raise a child that is loving, conscientious, and well rounded.

Which, of course, is what good mothers do whether they SAH or work.

citygirl_ · March 2009

Success isn't measured by money or some job title. I'm not a stupid, unmotivated woman because I choose not to work. And gasp - I don't even plan to go back!

I don't really feel the need to justify my choices. If you don't want to SAH, then have a kid and go back to work. Your call.

KL777 · March 2009

DR&RN04:

My "history:" I have 2 bachelor's degrees (in microbiology, and nursing), and worked for 4 years as a neonatal ICU nurse. Long term, I've thought about going back to school for a Ph.D in immunology. Not because I want a "career" in it, but because it is just fascinating to me. Overall, I consider myself a fairly ambitious person.

When I was pg w/ DD, my priorities changed. I didn't find my "worth," if you will, from my job any longer. I genuinely feel fulfilled by staying home and taking care of DD, and making sure DH has a good meal on the table, and a (relatively...lol) clean house to come home to. I know that sounds VERY old fashioned, and it probably is. But that is what works for our family.

However, that lifestyle is not a good fit for every family. That doesn't mean they aren't as "committed" of a family, even if one spouse can afford to stay home, and chooses to work outside the home. It simply means that they want to work outside of the home. Nothing more, nothing less. Don't let your desire to work outside the home keep you from starting a family if you want kids. If you don't want to end up an old bitty in a rocker with nothing to do but wait for the mail, you won't. : )

"When I was pg w/ DD, my priorities changed. I didn't find my "worth," if you will, from my job any longer. I genuinely feel fulfilled by staying home and taking care of DD, and making sure DH has a good meal on the table, and a (relatively...lol) clean house to come home to. I know that sounds VERY old fashioned, and it probably is. But that is what works for our family."

Exactly! My "history": I have a Bachelor's degree in one area and a Master's degree in Counselor Education. I worked as an Academic Advisor for two universities for many years. As DR&RN04 said, my priorities changed. Wait and see after you've had a baby---and please don't let your "fear" of being a SAHM keep you and your husband from starting a family if it's the right time for you guys to start one.

Brina Bean · March 2009

What better difference is there to make in the world then to raise the best person you possibly can, who will in turn see the value in doing the same for his or her children? Obviously, you don't have to be a SAH parent to raise your children well, but no one can doubt that raising a child is the most important "job" a parent will ever have. Having a job doesn't make everyone feel valuable(I know many people who feel they are wasting their time away at their jobs), just like being a SAH parent doesn't indicate a loss of ambition or automatically fulfill everyone's dreams. You can only hope to do what is best for yourself and for your family, all the while knowing that you are living each day to its fullest, whether it be at home, at work, or wherever you are.

mandymack · March 2009

Hi and welcome to the board!

I think your concerns are extremely valid as almost everyone has a fear of the unknown and NO ONE can fully prepare you for what being a parent will be like as everyone's experience is truly unique. You have no idea if SAH is going to be right for YOU and that's something that 1) almost all of us have wondered (not everyone dreams or plans to SAH!) and 2) something most of us had no idea whether we'd love it or hate it until we were in the middle of it and the adjustment period is harder on some than others so, many return to work before really giving it a chance.

You said yourself your ambition isn't driven by money or posessions so, why can't you invision yourself being a driven, successful, Home-maker/SAHM? I think, like a lot of the PPs touched on, you get out what you put in to being a SAHM and should you chose to shift your priorities from your career to SAH you might find yourself feeling extremely fulfilled. If not, I think it's great for you to redirect your goals to your career and return to work but being close-minded to the scenario that you can have it all being a SAHM is only hurting yourself and you might just end up missing out on something incredibly joyous and rewarding. Maybe not, because I don't think SAH is for everyone and that's OK, but I think it's important to NOT judge something you know nothing about.

Because you asked how I, an ambitious, intelligent person who chose to SAH (for now!) don't feel I am wasting my life in my current "job", I will tell you it's because 1) it was a conscious choice I made based on what I was feeling the moment Emily was placed in my arms after her birth, 2) me SAH full-time didn't come with any financial concerns as my DH makes 3x what I make and we were still able to continue to meet our financial goals of Retirement Planning, Savings, Life Insurance and Home-ownership so, I have never once felt deprived of anything; and 3) it was MY choice and I can return to work anytime I want but I am currently extremely satisfied after 3 years of SAH and have never once had a desire to return to my previous career as a Master's Degree-holidng, CPA Certified Auditor.

No one can make this decision for you but YOU and I wish you the best of luck with it!

Temp856430000003146 · March 2009

Honest question, honest answer. Your thoughts are selfish ones. When you have kids, you become a much less selfish person and your goals and ambitions then revolve around your child.

mauceddie · March 2009

I don't measure my worth by how much money I can make a company, or how many work colleagues respect or admire me. I would rather have the admiration and respect of people who are important to me, KWIM?

Now, ?I fully admit that my argument would not hold much steam if I was in a "save the world" type occupation.?

cee-jay · March 2009

gatogrrl:

When I was in school, I always assumed I would rise to the top of whatever field I chose. That was just my mentality. But as I got older, being "the best" didn't mean as much to me anymore. In fact, it seemed like an empty ambition. I found far more satisfaction from the deeper connections I made with my friends and family.

To me, a slower pace makes life more meaningful and satisfying. When I eat, I like to cook my own food, not pick up something frozen and processed. When I go to bed, I Iike to have plenty of time with DH first, then a good 7-8 hours of sleep. When I'm with my baby, I like to have the day stretching before us, and have lots of time for whatever. I don't want to try to squeeze in "quality time" with her in just a few rushed hours after work.

This all means so much more to me than achieving some promotion or salary level at a job. Since I don't have the drive to cure cancer or become an astronaut, middle management is my fate in life if I work. There's no part of this scenario that interests or excites me. Whereas being with my baby is a joy every day. I would never consider this a failure. It is a great privilege.

Living life to the fullest means different things to different people, I guess. To me, spending my life in an office would be a bore and a waste.

Ditto. And I agree a lot of it may depend on what job or career you had before.

I was a school social worker, then a teacher before DD. I loved both jobs and did feel I was contributing to society. However, and I feel guilty saying this, I'm thankful I'm able to stay home with my own child while she's young, rather than working 8-10 hours with other people's children, and then only see DD for a couple hours before bed and on weekends.

Jaylea · March 2009

pugsgum:

I. too. don't trust others for the early childhood dev't that has been turned over to daycares. Perhaps this is part of the cause of all of the learning disabilities and special needs we are seeing in kids today.

You can't be serious with this.

And this:

"I want to build a strong family unit, of loving, caring, responsible individuals. I am from a large family, we have all the JDs, MDs, MAs you could want, but we all agree that our family is the top priority and we'd do anything for each other. "

I know it's hard to believe, but households with two working parents also want these things.

Shaina · March 2009

Ditto Jaylea. I have a JD AND *gasp* I also am simultaneously building a strong family unit of loving, caring, responsible individuals. Also, I didn't realize that now I actually also have to worry that my nanny may be the future cause of learning diabilites/special needs (GOD FORBID) taht my girls may have. Wow. I guess only kids with SAHMs escape any learning/developmental disabilities.

J&A2008 · March 2009

My life is not even halfway over yet. I've got plenty of time to change the world.

ShawMich · March 2009

Do you honestly believe if we thought we were "wasting our lives" we would be staying home with our children? I don't understand those who have the option of staying home and raising their children and decide to go back to work.

Just because you take some time off to raise your children doesn't mean that your dreams and life are over. It's part of having children and when you have kids, your life isn't just about you anymore--you are responsible for another person.

By the way, your views really change once you have children. You will never understand the love you can have for someone else.

MrsAmers · March 2009

megstriesagain:
It's not so much about working or staying at home for me, it's about my identity now belonging to my children. I'm an actress, and an aging one at that, so it's possible my career in that field is ending anyway, but the only way I would know how to raise kids is to make them your first priority, and months abroad and working 16 hour days to be in a low-budget film isn't conducive to that. So taking a few months of maternity leave to decide isn't much of an option for me. If we have kids, I'm not going back to acting. We've decided that. It's just a lot of life changes to reconcile all at once.

A friend of mine is an actress/singer in her early 40s. She lived in NYC as a performer with her actor-husband until she was in her late 30s. Then they moved to Pittsburgh to be closer to family and to start a family. She has two adorable daughters, she teaches singing lessons and music classes at a local university and will do freelance acting/singing work when the girls get older. Her husband teaches and does free-lance acting work as their schedule allows. There is actually a large music and theater community in western PA, so while its unlikely they will ever be famous actors, they have found fulfilling artistic opportunities here and a great work/family balance.

Just because your current working life isn't compatible with kids doesn't mean that you can't find something to fulfill you in addition to being a mom.

Good luck!

gracendantho26 · March 2009

I'm late here but I definitely don't see why being a successful employee all day would be more important than being a successful caregiver all day. I have my undergrad and grad degree and those are great and all but in the end they are degrees which are not held in the same regard as my children/family. I guess it's just a matter of a diiferent definition of what makes a successful life or successful person. I have interests outside of my children but when push comes to shove they (and DH) matter more than anything else..jobs, houses, cars, etc. can be replaced but they cannot.

MrsMommy · March 2009

Also late here, but am new to this board. ?I didn't read every post thoroughly, so I hope I am not repetitive. ?My family always comes first, I don't see any shame in that. ?However as a SAHM, I have been able to do things that I personally feel contribute to society, maybe even more so than your typical 8-5 office job. ?I am on the board of a non-profit, helped start a local support group/playgroup, organize fundraising efforts and volunteer when possible. ?This is stuff I would never have time for as a WOHM. ?Honestly I didn't have time for it when I was just working and not yet a mom. ?

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