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Stay at Home Moms
Sincere, possibly offensive, question
I really mean this sincerely and not as a flame or trolling or anything...
I've always been a very ambitious person--not even ambitious in terms of $ or what-have-you, but full-on "If I don't change the world, I'm a big fat failure." My mom was a SAHM of 5 kids, always wanted to be, and was happy to do so--and I don't get it. I mean, I GET it, I fully acknowledge that SAHM is an important and vital job and have every respect, but thinking about doing this myself......
Please don't respond if you're offended or think I'm slagging you off. I'm not. But I'd really like to know the answer to this question from anyone else that was/is an ambitious, intelligent person that chose to SAHM: How do you not feel like you're wasting your life? Does all that ambition fade, or do you plan on going back to work someday, or are you working on a novel or something? This is what's holding DH and I back from having kids--I don't want to end up an old lady in a rocker thinking, "Huh. I had plans for my life. Ah well, at least I've got somewhere to go for holidays...."
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Sincere, possibly offensive, question
My "history:" I have 2 bachelor's degrees (in microbiology, and nursing), and worked for 4 years as a neonatal ICU nurse. Long term, I've thought about going back to school for a Ph.D in immunology. Not because I want a "career" in it, but because it is just fascinating to me. Overall, I consider myself a fairly ambitious person.
When I was pg w/ DD, my priorities changed. I didn't find my "worth," if you will, from my job any longer. I genuinely feel fulfilled by staying home and taking care of DD, and making sure DH has a good meal on the table, and a (relatively...lol) clean house to come home to. I know that sounds VERY old fashioned, and it probably is. But that is what works for our family.
However, that lifestyle is not a good fit for every family. That doesn't mean they aren't as "committed" of a family, even if one spouse can afford to stay home, and chooses to work outside the home. It simply means that they want to work outside of the home. Nothing more, nothing less. Don't let your desire to work outside the home keep you from starting a family if you want kids. There are millions of kids (in this country alone) who turn out just fine w/ both parents working. If you don't want to end up an old bitty in a rocker with nothing to do but wait for the mail, you won't. : )
Ah yes....I used to be young and idealistic.
Then I got a job.
Now I'm more than happy to sit in my pjs all day watching HGTV and Days of Our Lives. Playing with the baby on commercial breaks, of course
I'm not under any misconceptions that SAH is so important, blah blah blah. My son did just fine in daycare for over 6 years and my daughter would too. But I don't like working. Maybe I've just had the wrong jobs, I dunno. I'll go back to work someday and maybe get some ambition back. But for now, I'm loving my slacker life.
Well, I am not really clear on why you are asking this. If you don't want to be a SAHM then don't be. I know many moms who are more fulfilled/enjoy continuing their careers, chose to go back to work and are very happy. If you feel like you would be unfilfilled or "wasting" your life then you should continue working. Also, you say you don't "get it", but a lot of people don't fully know what they want to do until after they have their baby. I know many moms who were 100% set on going back to work who changed their minds, as well as moms who were 100% going to stay at home who changed their minds. You have no idea how you will feel until you are at that point.
To answer your question - my ambitions changed. My ambition now is to have the best family life for me, DS, and DH that I can, and for us it involves me staying at home. I loved my job but I worked in non-profit - my salary would have been 100% for daycare or nanny costs, and my job involved a lot of travel, late hours, etc. (DH works 60-70 hours a week). I have continued doing quite a bit of volunteer work and will go back to work someday, but I am perfectly content with how things are right now.
It's very clear to me that you don't have kids even before you said so.
It's something very difficult to understand until you're there. I left a very high paying job where I was on the fast track to the top. We had house plans ready to go and many other material goals to achieve. Then we had Katen. Putting her into daycare was the most difficult thing for me and there wasn't a daycare anywhere that I felt could give my child the attention, love, values and guidance in the way that I could. I'm the best at doing this job for my child and it's something I now do proudly.
I too didn't realize what being a SAHM entailed until I tried it. Now that my daughter is a year old I have the ability to volunteer my time, chair events, and make a difference in many different ways all while making a huge difference in my child's life. (I can see the learning taking place when she's home with me as opposed to when she was in daycare.) The most important thing I want you to take away from this is that you do not have to have a "career" to make a difference. I'd argue that I'm making more of a mark in the world now than I was when I was a career girl.
That's not to say that it's for everyone. There are mothers who need the time away from their child in order to be the best they can be. Happy mom leads to happy baby, ya know? I thought that was me but when circumstances changed and I was able to stay at home I realized what was really important to me. ...You have to know what's really important to you. priorities.
DITTO!
I really believe that something changes in some women when we get pg. My sister has always been very ambitious and after she had her baby in December she had taken only 6 weeks of maternity leave. Within days she was contemplating quitting her job because it was so important for her to stay at home with her new baby. Now she's working for only a year more due to financial reasons then will be a SAHM.
I understand your question, I have seen first hand how babies change people. When you and your DH get pg perhaps your priorities will change. Don't be suprised if they do....and don't be upset if you don't. Everyone is different.
Ali, you're my SAHM girlcrush.
I'm going back to work after I graduate in a year. We're currently working on getting me knocked up again, and The Spare will be going to daycare once it's 6months old.
I don't miss working because I love being able to take naps in the middle of the day when the kid does, or playing videogames when she's asleep, or watching tv. I DO miss money. And adult interaction sans kids. And during xmas break I felt like my brain was melting from not having any kind of stimulation other than saying bahbahbahbahdahdah all day long. But I'm definitely not the barometer on this board.
Wow! No, I am not wasting my life. DH and I strongly believe that DS will be best off if I am with him full time at least until preschool. Many countries give years off to women and men to raise their children. Unfortunately this country is way too overworked/overstressed/over-everything, it seems.
No, my life is not a waste.(-and my life willl hopefully be longer than my DS's childhood anyway!) I, with my DH, am raising a human being. I am responsible for waking up with him in the morning, feeding him, clothing him, playing with him, teaching him, intro'ing him to new things, books, people, foods, molding his character, his self confidence, his verbal skills, his patience... the list goes on. I get more out of this than I ever did before. (I am a college grad. intelligent, read a lot, like politics, have hobbies, like discussing current events, social issues...and I still do now that I am a mother.
Having a child, if anything, broadened my views on certain things, motivated me to learn more about others, made me more compassionate, as well as interested in seeing the opposing POV. So, no, in no way do I feel that I am wasting my life. This has been the best year of my life and believe me, my life has been great. I had a great childhood, family life, loved school, college, have a lot of friends, had fun in my 20's,lived in NYC, traveled a lot Europe w/ friends and w/ DH, and I'm glad I did, but this is even better and right now, I am doing exactly what I want to do.
Later on, of course I'll work again. Once we are finished having children and they are in school, I'd be bored if I were alone all day with nothing to do. But making money or pleasing a boss, or thinking I'm so impressive because I have a career, for me, is no where near as satisfying as successfully raising a child.
And I have to add... I in no way jugde anyone who does not want to be a SAHM, and I understand there are some who want to but can't. We sacrifice for me to stay home. But the fact is, you have absolutely no idea how you will feel about many things parenting related, until you have a child. I even think you need a good 6 mos. before you can really know if SAH is for you... but regardless, if you want to work, work. It's up to you. BUT, I feel sorry for you if your life's worth is defined by your job. Not many people die wishing they had worked more. There are more ways to change the world, touch people's lives, find happiness and contribute to society than having a full time job and/or lots of money.
I haven't read any of the replies so sorry if I'm repeating what everyone else said
I was ambitious, and determined to get a PhD and be the BEST in my field (developmental psychology). Something happened when I got engaged and started really thinking about my life in REAL terms, not just abstractly. I started wondering what really mattered, what was really important, and honestly, what did I want the meaning of my life to be.
I realized that it wasn't work, it wasn't research, and it wasn't being seen as "accomplished" or "important" by other people. What I really wanted was a successful marriage - to take care of my husband and have him take care of me, and beautiful, accomplished children who I dedicated my time to. I stay home because I am ambitious (and slightly full of myself, I admit
), and I know that no one else in the universe could raise my children day-to-day as well as I can. I don't trust anyone else to do it, so I'm doing it. Believe it or not I use my college education every day with my five month old, lol.
I think what it comes down to is that I changed my defintion of what is "wasting" my life and what is a "meaningful" life. I am not under the illusion that this path is for everyone, and I would never ever think someone else was a bad mother because they worked. But this was definitely the right path for us and I couldn't be happier
I agree with a lot of the points brought up by pp's and I have to add that I think it's so great how you all are able to have the SAHM vs working mom debate and keep it civil and respectful. I rarely see that.
I just wanted to add that I live in a country where either the mother or father are given the option to stay home with their child for 3 years (1 yr paid, 2 yrs after with insurance and job security), while the other parent gets 6 mos leave as well. It's a temporary SAH situation but gives an interesting perspective. Both parents can work if they want, but they also don't feel as if they are left out by society for taking a break to stay home. Having this choice, which is IMO encouraged by the gov't and society, somehow changes the feelings you may be talking about of "losing ambition" or "wasting your life". Being a SAHP is just a totally normal, accepted, and respected decision that most people here make.
First...yes this is offensive but I want to answer you so you understand.
I have a college degree and I was a teacher/administrator before becoming a SAHM. I do not feel like I am wasting my life because I am teaching and being there for my babies every step of the way. I am teaching them things that they will need for the rest of their lives. As they get older I will take them on outings that will not only be educational but will build a great relationship between them and myself. I am not missing all the big moments of my children's lives. I am witnessing each and every moment and loving it. Being a Mother is a gift and being able to stay home is also a gift.
I do not plan on ever going back to work. Once my children start school I plan on volunteering for causes I find worthy and doing things for myself.
Mya Justine 9.29.08 - Brynna Claire 10.15.09
Your country is obviously much more progressive and enlightened than ours! Unfortunately, the US is not family friendly at all. Especially for Dads. It's pretty sad, imo.
So, I'm not flaming you either, but that's kind of a condescending and unimaginative view of staying at home. Here's my 2 cents:
1. It's really hard to know how you're going to feel until you have kids.
2. Your brain does not turn into a jar of Gerber peas once you have a baby.
3. A lot of SAHMs that I know chose to stay home because it was the best decision for their families. They have lots of other activities and interests, they take classes, etc.
4. You don't have to stay home. There are many childcare options that allow you to continue working.
This is basically what I was going to say. I think you kind of have to be ambitious to be a SAHM, because it really kicks you in the a$$, but (at least for me) it is hands-down the most rewarding thing I have ever done. Spending an entire day teaching another human being everything is a pretty important job, IMO.
That being said, I don't really understand the point of your question. If you want to have children but don't want to SAH, then go back to work. It is not for everyone. DH is extremely driven and successful and has 2 masters degrees, and he often tells me he could never do what I do.
This. Do you think women who work as, say, kindergarten teachers or day care providers are wasting their lives? I can still work to make the world a better place when I'm with my daughter, and even better, I can help teach her to want to do the same things. I just don't get a paycheck for it.
I like you too. Have a drink on me
I was very ambitious with a great career in public affairs at a major top 10 bank in the US and had DD who requires medical necessities that daycare cannot provide. Certainly it was a rough transition. I cried almost every day thinking about how I lost myself, who I was and who I was meant to be in a matter of days. As a mother, I wouldn't want anyone else to provide for her (that's the 'keep your hands off my kid cause I can do it best' kinda thing). But as a person who's identity was "Karrie" I all of the sudden was "DD mother" and, what I felt like, was nothing else. I was more than willing to take DD to daycare and continue climbing the corproate ladder.
For whatever reason, having my cake and eating it too was not in the cards for me. And while, like I said, I felt worthless and not like a real person because I wasn't 'doing' anything, I've certainly come to the realization that you cannot control your life, no matter how much you try to plan everything out. Life throws you loops sometimes and you just have to roll with them.
DD is now 19 mo old and I'm more accustomed to being home with her full time. I've joined the book club on this board and feel like I'm getting back to a little bit of who I was previously. I also go to the gym four times a week to have some alone time that is extremely valuable to me. Is it ideal? Definately not. I still see some of my old coworkers and get a tinge of jealousy and pain when they talk about work or certain events they're planning. But at some point I just had to move on and accept my situation. Now, I'm pg again (OOPS!), which I'm not crazy happy about, but again, just another example of how life sneaks up on you all the time.
I guess, for me, as DD gets older, I am seeing the rewards of raising a great girl who is respectful, has a big heart, imaginative and goofy. She's a delight to have and although I didn't plan for my life to be like this, I'm enjoying her and my life nowmuch more than I did a year ago. I certainly don't feel like I'm wasting my life. Although all of the awards and promotions at work were great, there is nothing more rewarding than raising a child and seeing them do amazing things, so I don't feel like I'm wasting my life. There's a whole new level of love and commitment you feel with having kids. Something only other parents understand.
Now, it doesn't sound like you want to stay home with your children. Is DH okay with that? I mean, if you have huge plans for your life, you can try to do it all. There's nothing wrong with that. And if you ended up in a situation like me, it's not easy, but it will get better and you will just accept your role for that time. There's nothing more impactful than changing the world by raising a great kid who is thankful for what they have, compassionate to others and responsible about their environment and world.
Huh..it is pretty offensive to assume that women who chose to stay home with their children have no ambition, but I will still answer your question.
I have a masters degree and years and years of experience in a profession. There is no reason why I have to give that up to become a stay at home mom, but I want to. I want to be there to raise my children and not send them to a daycare/nanny who will get to shape the personalities of my children and who will get to witness their life-changing experiences. Just so I can have ambition.
Just as you are judging us...I would have to say that I judge you somewhat. Who are you to put your ambition in front of the needs of your child. Wait until your child doesn't eat or cries all day at daycare because he misses you so much. How do you not feel like you're wasting your life pushing paper around a desk, answering to a boss and making money for a company who will cut you in a second? Does your ambition mean more than your children?
I have plans for my life. They involve children who love me, a husband who respects and loves me and a fulfulling career (that I've already had and will have in the future.)
I am currently a working mom and check this board out bc I am working on a plan to be mostly stay at home once we have two.
I have a BA, and MS in Biology. I work in biotech and work on worthy causes that may someday help others. And I don't care. I used to work late and on weekends to get projects done fast and get promoted. When I came back it felt like a total waste of time. I knew with great urgency that I belonged at home with my baby. My priority is my child and I really enjoy teaching her about life. I am working on a plan to be home for the next baby even if that means working part time retail nights for a couple of years. There is plenty of time to get back into the workforce and bc I am ambitious I will succeed whatever I decide to do. I may go for my PhD when the kids are in school.
My suggestion is that if you currently feel like being a mom is not ambitious or fulfilling then you still have a ways to go on your own personal journey before adding kids to the mix feels right. So enjoy your time and explore your ambitions.
Note: I truly feel there is no right answer between working or staying at home, it is a very personal family choice/balance question unique to each family.
LOL. In 6 years my kid never cried all day at daycare, or didn't eat. He loved daycare, his teachers and his friends...it was his second home.
Before I had kids I had a career that I LOVED!! I made excellent money, I loved what I did, I worked with the most awesome people...it was the best! When my first son was born I was lucky enough to keep my job, but cut back to part time. This was great because I could be with my son as well as still have my career......but it wasn't until my second son was born and my boys were 5 and 2 that I realized how fast the last 5 years had gone!! Even though I was home more than most working moms, I couldn't believe how fast it flew by and how much I missed. At that point I realized that these early years with my kids truly are more important than my job. One day I just got so upset because I wanted to have a third baby, but figured that it wasn't fair to me or my children if I was just going to let the years slip away while I was at work. That's when I took the huge leap to leave my job all together. I was scared to death to leave it, but once I did, it felt terrific!! Now, on beautiful summer days when I'm outside with my children, experiencing life with them and not sitting inside some stuffy building, it makes me realize how amazing this opportunity is to be home with them.
I guess if you did nothing but sit inside your house in sweats, then yes, it could get dull and boring. But I'm a very active mom and even though I have 3 small children, it doesn't slow me down. I single-handedly take all 3 bike riding, swimming, to museums, to parks - even to factories (it's fun to see how potato chips are made!). I feel like I'm experiencing so much more because I'm home with the kids. I do things I would have never done otherwise.
I'm the type of mom that can't just change diapers and wipe butts all day. I started my own business that I run from home. This gives me the opportunity to be with my children while still use my own brain and have my own interests and help earn income for my family.
I never thought I'd be a stay at home mom, yet it's one of the best decisions I ever made.
This is just a personal feeling for me but once I had my daughter, my "career" ambitions didn't seem to mean so much. My goal was to be home with her and raise her hands on. I wasn't able to do that for 8 months because I was working full time and I was absolutely miserable.
Thankfully, I started my own photography business so I'm able to be creative, make money,and still stay home...but if I ever felt my daughter's life was suffering because of my work I'd stop in a second.
This is just me, but I just feel "right" being home with my girl.
I'm sorry to anyone that was offended, and sincere thanks to those who answered the question honestly, even if you were. Just to clarify, I am IN NO WAY implying that because you are a SAHM you are not ambitious or that you are wasting your life. I don't think I made that clear. I'm asking how you don't FEEL that way. There's the truth that being there for your kids is excellent for them, there's the fact that SAHM is a hard, worthwhile, and underappreciated job, and then there's the emotional reality that it means putting your own life aside.
EnglishMajor03 got what I was going for, I guess, because this:
is what I meant. It's not so much about working or staying at home for me, it's about my identity now belonging to my children. I'm an actress, and an aging one at that, so it's possible my career in that field is ending anyway, but the only way I would know how to raise kids is to make them your first priority, and months abroad and working 16 hour days to be in a low-budget film isn't conducive to that. So taking a few months of maternity leave to decide isn't much of an option for me. If we have kids, I'm not going back to acting. We've decided that. It's just a lot of life changes to reconcile all at once.
I don't FEEL that way because it ISN'T that way, its that simple.
I'd rather my identity belong to my family than to my job. No one is going to judge you on your deathbed on your acting abilities, but you will be remembered for the impact you had on your children. Honestly, you sound like you aren't ready for motherhood. Even working women turn into moms when their babies are born, news flash.
I agree with quite a few of things things already mentioned in response. Before we tried to have kids, we both REALLY wanted them- do you? Why does SAHM matter to your decision? What do you do that is fulfilling all of your ambitions currently?
Yes I could spend my whole life investing just in a profession, but for me, by my values, that is not what I want to contribute to the world, to make it a better place. I want to build a strong family unit, of loving, caring, responsible individuals. I am from a large family, we have all the JDs, MDs, MAs you could want, but we all agree that our family is the top priority and we'd do anything for each other. We didn't grow up with much money and none of us are driven to earn big bucks, but to contribute to society. These are the values we got from our parents, and these are the values we want to pass on. I believe in building and change from the grassroots level and believe in changes in the micro- to improve the macro-.
SAHM is a career and you get out of it what you put into it. You are your child's first teacher! I. too. don't trust others for the early childhood dev't that has been turned over to daycares. Perhaps this is part of the cause of all of the learning disabilities and special needs we are seeing in kids today. Each kid is an individual and will spend years and years in schools, I want this time to equip them with the right tools mentally, emotionally.... I plan to go back to work when my kids are in school, but right now they are my priority.
Though you posted this on the SAHM - this is relevant to all moms. That is part of being a parent and there really is no way to prepare for that. No one is ever really ready, you make the decision and life will start to unfold in a whole new direction, you can't really plan for it and you can't even imagine how you will feel- it is so different for everyone. Maybe you will find other things to do outside of the home, or other jobs so that you don't feel your identity is completely "mother" I imagine everyone on this board has their own interests that they cultivate, and maybe you haven't even had time to develop those with your demanding career.
Hope everything works out well for you. I think mothering is the most amazing of human experiences. You discover a whole new capacity for love that you never knew was inside of you. New stress will enter your life and marriage, but we have found a whole new level of love for each other now that we are mom and dad, in addition to husband and wife.
I would guess that many of the women here will go back to work when their kids get to school age. But maybe we should take a poll. I certainly won't be a SAHM for 20+ years.
So, as I sit in my rocker as an old lady, I will have had a career only about 8 years shorter than yours. Do you think you'll even be able to tell the difference between a 40 year career and a 32 year career? Yeah, my retirement account will probably be slimmer than yours because of the years I wasn't contributing to it, but even that's not a given if DH makes enough to put something aside for both of us.
My mom has a career, she's an engineer and she did that at a time when women were not engineers, and definitely is ambitious. And I have two masters degrees... and really I'm not that ambitious. I want to do well in my career, but I refuse to let it define me as my mother's career did/does for her.
eh...I'm probably not going back to work in my former field. It involved working nights, weekends, and holidays. We can make me SAH work financially, so I don't think I'm willing to sacrifice working those kinds of hours anymore. It isn't worth it to me.
When I was in school, I always assumed I would rise to the top of whatever field I chose. That was just my mentality. But as I got older, being "the best" didn't mean as much to me anymore. In fact, it seemed like an empty ambition. I found far more satisfaction from the deeper connections I made with my friends and family.
To me, a slower pace makes life more meaningful and satisfying. When I eat, I like to cook my own food, not pick up something frozen and processed. When I go to bed, I Iike to have plenty of time with DH first, then a good 7-8 hours of sleep. When I'm with my baby, I like to have the day stretching before us, and have lots of time for whatever. I don't want to try to squeeze in "quality time" with her in just a few rushed hours after work.
This all means so much more to me than achieving some promotion or salary level at a job. Since I don't have the drive to cure cancer or become an astronaut, middle management is my fate in life if I work. There's no part of this scenario that interests or excites me. Whereas being with my baby is a joy every day. I would never consider this a failure. It is a great privilege.
Living life to the fullest means different things to different people, I guess. To me, spending my life in an office would be a bore and a waste.
J2 11.17.08