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Why do I continue to torture myself?

ladylaurali25ladylaurali25
in Miscarriage/Pregnancy Loss

My cousin is pregnant...about ready to "pop" any day. She blogs about her life, her marriage, her pregnancy, everything. Stupid me continues to read it, and I don't know why.

They were not really trying to get pregnant, it just happened. She and her husband actually didn't really want to try and get pregnant for 2-3 years. So I get upset when she writes that she had a meltdown because she isn't ready to give up her independence with her husband. That her life is going to be turned upside down with the arrival of her little one. Not that she knows about my situation...but it REALLY bothers me. And I don't know why I keep reading her blog! It frustrates me that she isn't "ready" for this child. I am so ready...and I lost mine. Part of me really just wants to tell her that I wasn't as lucky. Any thoughts on this?

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Re: Why do I continue to torture myself?

  • mrs.ozmrs.oz member
    My thoughts...life is about?obstacles?and?challenges. ?There are a lot of things in life that are a?surprise. ?There are a lot of things in life that come to us when we're not ready. ?There are a lot of things we do and we do them even though we're not ready. ?The best thing is rising to the occasion and become better at something than we ever thought we be or accepting a gift we didn't even know we wanted and having it be better than any gift we could have asked for.
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  • MrsLynneaYMrsLynneaY
    I can relate! I still watch Baby Story and Bringing Home Baby, then wonder why I am so emotional, and keep having bad dreams, I think I'm doing it to myself but just can't stop. It's like a car accident, you don't want to see but can't seem to look away.
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  • Msdelovely23Msdelovely23
    i completley understand your position... My cousin is almost ready to pop her self, and isnt even with the daddy anymore... My fiance and have been trying for 3 years. and have gone through 3 miscarriages its so very frustrating. I wish you the best of luck.
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  • jenifer123jenifer123

    I torture myself too.  I can't help going into different areas of this site, which I know I should stay away from.  I go into 2nd tri every now and then and look at all the posts and all the pics and just sit there and cry wondering why my baby was taken away and everyone else gets to keep theirs.  I just sit there thinking how unfair everything is and feel miserable.  I need to stop that.

    My other fav way of torturing myself is to look at pics of babies where I'm supposed to be now.  I sit there and cry my heart out thinking that that's where my baby is supposed to be.  I think that I'm supposed to feel him kick any day now and I feel completely devastated all over again.  Then I wonder why in the world I'm doing this to myself.

    I'm so sorry for your loss and lets all try to stop torturing ourselves!  (my grief counselor told me this week that its anger turned inward because I feel so angry at myself and guilty so I subconsciously try to hurt myself in silly little ways like this)

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  • ladylaurali25ladylaurali25
    I'm just hoping one day this pain will go away. I'm sorry for all of your losses. Thank you so much for being able to understand.
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  • jewels05jewels05

    imagemrs.oz:
    My thoughts...life is about obstacles and challenges.  There are a lot of things in life that are a surprise.  There are a lot of things in life that come to us when we're not ready.  There are a lot of things we do and we do them even though we're not ready.  The best thing is rising to the occasion and become better at something than we ever thought we be or accepting a gift we didn't even know we wanted and having it be better than any gift we could have asked for.

     

    Well written!!! I keep telling my self to think happy thoughts!  this helps so much!! Thanks!

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  • Temp984666312503071Temp984666312503071 member

    I'm sorry for your loss :(.

    Feelings like yours are totally normal.  I was very resentful of pregnant women who complained about ANYTHING while I sat there empty and broken (I have infertilty and loss history).  I have been with my husband for 12 years now and many of my friends would get married and *oops!* a few months later were announcing pregnancy.  Meanwhile I experienced loss, I was seeing doctors, having more blood drawn than I care to admit, and ultimately giving myself shots in the stomach every day to get pregnant again.  Sometimes I would just remove myself from the conversation.  My close friends were pretty understanding for the most part although some kept their distance from me while pregnant and that hurt too.  They couldn't win, I couldn't win, it was a very dark time in my life.

    On the other hand, her feelings are normal too.  Now that I am pregnant and things seem to be going well, I am also nervous about losing my independance, freedom, and afraid of the relationship dynamic with my husband.  Believe me, I totally appreciate this pregnancy more than I can even express and love my baby more than I ever thought possible (I jumped through rings of fire to get pregnant with this baby) but I am still getting the first-time-mom jitters. 

    I would NEVER EVER vent to a friend who was going through infertility or in the wake of miscarriage - that is just horrible.  But she is venting to a blog that you are choosing to read it.  She doesn't know your situation.  Please don't say anything to her.  If she was calling you and venting TO YOU I would say that it was appropriate to share your story so that she understands why you can't be there for her.  But in a blog seems like an appropriate place to vent.

    Hugs to you.   

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