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Babies: 0 - 3 Months
Going to break DH's heart (VERY long)
Hey ladies I need some input. The list below is something I have put together of things that I have been dealing with lately at home and that I want to talk to DH about. I know that if I approach DH with all of this it is going to break his heart b/c he is a VERY sensitive/caring guy but I really feel unhappy lately b/c of it. Crying right now writing this. I know a lot of you have felt the same, how have you gone about handling it? Any advice on the best/gentlest way to approach DH?
1. Don't feel appreciated.
2. Don't think you realize how much I do.
3. Resent the fact that I feel like EVERYTHING in my life has changed and you have a new "play toy."
- I feel am responsible for Kenley 80-90% of the time.
- I continue to use my time throughout the day to pump for her.
- I wake up in the middle of the night with her
- I am consistently having to wash clothes, pack bags, wash bottles, and store milk ( I realize you have attemted to help more with this)
- I am generally left to take care of her most weekends b/c you commit yourself to doing things for other people w/o first asking if there is anything that I would like to/had plans to do.
- 8 out of the 10 things I do are usually with Kenley by my side
- I wake up early with Kenley on the weekends or end up entertaining her so that you can "go about your business" or take a nap or sleep in.
- I feel like the "free" time I have is spent doing chores around the house instead of things that I would really like to do.
- I feel that you consistently get breaks from "being daddy" but the only time I do is primarily at work; but even at work I bust my butt to pump 3 times a day
4. I feel like I come last in the equation. I feel like everyone and everything else comes before me or what I want; my family included. Just once I would like to make plans to go to my dad's w/o having to eat lunch at your parents' first.
5. I feel like you do a lot of things that I feel are necessary around the house half-heartedly leaving me to pick up the slack
-Folding clothes, cleaning the kitchen/house. Yes I know you cooked/cook dinner and thank you. But while you were waiting for me to finish Kenley's nightly routine why didn't/don't you clean the kitchen or store the milk or fold the clothes or anything else that you know I am going to do after or during the time I eat dinner. Instead you jump on the computer, drink your beer and then leave the cans for me to pick up a couple days later.
6. Am frustrated b/c I feel like you have a "one track mind" and don't understand why you can't/won't multi-task.
- Example: Leaving me to watch Kenley while I am attempting to get dressed so that you can eat. I would have held her while eating or not ate so that I could continue to pack everything for the day while holding her so that you could have finished getting ready a little more quickly.
I understand that I am at fault also and that I haven't been the most pleasant person but the list above is partly to blame. I also know that you do try, but I don't feel that you consistently try. I know you are tired in the evenings but so am I yet I muster together the time/energy that I need to get these tasks done. And don't get me wrong, I LOVE doing things for/with Kenley and am VERY HAPPY we have her. I just feel that sometimes you could contribute a little more.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Going to break DH's heart (VERY long)
That's a lot for a person to take without getting defensive or upset. Maybe you could leave your DD with someone and go out to dinner with your DH to have this discussion. I would only focus on the top 3 issues for now. GL.
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One question I have - in taking care of your DD, do you ASK him to help? Do you say to him "Hey- can you do __ while I do ___?" or do you wait for him to offer then get mad when he doesn't?
There are some real issues here, and while I think in the end, fathers should THINK for themselves what needs to be done when it comes to their kid - at the same time, many men just don't "get" the ins and outs of what we have to do for our kids and need prodding. If we just wait for them to figure it out, we'll only get pissed. Where if we started actually saying "I need to do ___ and to do so, you need to take the baby" - it might be what makes them start to realize "oh, wait, yeah - this is on me too". Ju
Just a thought. NOT excusing him in any way. Please know that. Just trying to look at it realistically that not all men get on the baby train right away.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I agree with this. The thing with most men is that unless you ask them for help, it doesn't occur to them to help out. With my H, I had a talk with him and said I needed his help with chores more during the week and I named specific things I need help with and he is helping out more. He didn't think I wanted help and didn't know what needed to be done since I wasn't telling him. I think that your concerns are completely valid, but you should make sure your H knows what you expect of him.
DD #1 passed away in January 2011 at 14 days old due to congenital heart disease
DD#2 lost in January 2012 at 23 weeks due to anhydramnios caused by a placental abruption
100% agree. My DH helps a lot when I ask. Especially when I say "I need to do ____, can you do ____?"
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hmmm wow I think alot of women on here will copy and paste this and send this to their DH's as well!
well I think the fact that you are trying to talk to him is very important. tell him how you feel and HOW he can help you more.
A baby changes everything and sometimes men tend to NOT realize how much OUR lives change so they need a little guidance in exactly what we need help with.
I would sit down and talk with him and set up a schedule of how he can help you .. example: washing all the bottles at the end of the night and packing her diaper bag or getting her ready for her bath or doing a feeding or two while you cook or prepare her things for the next day etc.
Good luck and please remember that we can all relate to you. It will get easier
This has worked wonders at our house. I often say "Would you rather change the baby or get his bottles ready?"
I think all new parents go through a rough adjusment period. Your lives are flipped upside down and its really hard sometimes. ((((HUGS))))
Don't feel bad because you're frustrated. Everyone feels that way at some point, and it will get better, I promise. Hang in there
"When it comes to sleeping, whatever your baby does is normal. If one thing has damaged parents enjoyment of their babies, it's rigid expectations about how and when the baby should sleep." ~ James McKenna, Ph.D., Mother Baby Behavioral Sleep Center, University of Notre Dame
Wow. I could have easily written this.
I feel the same way!
ditto this. i think that men see the world very differently. like when the baby is sleeping i immediately think, "what can i get done with this precious time" while DH holds the baby maybe 15 mins a day, and doesnt do the little things that woudl be really helpful to me like make the bed or put away his own dishes!! But my DH has made it clear that since I'm not going to be working that baby is my job - HAHA. He even said to me the other day "you get to stay home all day with the baby." WTF???
Completely agree. Many men need to be asked and respond quite well to it. Mine has never said no.
Wow, we must be married to the same guy.
I had to stop waiting for my H to offer to do something, and just flat tell him what to do to help me. ?If I am busy doing something, especially pumping b/c in his mind that is a "break" for me, I have to say "hey while I pump can you load the dishwasher?" ?Then if he says no and comes up with some excuse or something to do that's not baby related, I have to put my foot down and say "well that is not a priority, we have X, Y and Z to do so can you please help me out with those." ?And he gets irritated but I don't care, I can't do it alone. ?Also when he half-asses stuff so he can get it over with and do something for himself I make him go back and finish the job correctly. ?I am so tired of having to clean up behind him or do rework. ?My H thinks everything he needs to do is a priority over any of Ian's needs and I always have to slap him around. ?Maybe I am mean, but he is an idiot and needs it.
I completely agree with you ladies --- that is exactly what I do I say can you feed him while I cook or can you get him ready for his bath while I make his bottles etc. ,... Just saying I need help is too vague to them and they need guidance as to WHAT and HOW they can help.
you could try to fix these qualms without telling him straight out first
for example: "hey while i'm putting dd to bed, can you clean up the kitchen from dinner, and start folding the clothes? thanks!"
or
when she starts crying at night: "hey, can you please change her"
or in regards to the weekend: "before you make plans this weekend, i have to do XYZ on saturday, so you can stay with dd"
i mean, i just sort of throw things at my DH like "hey can you grab this, or do that" and he helps a ton. you just have to be up front and communicate really well. when he gets home from work, i take a nap. if i'm feeding the baby, he does dishes from dinner. i ask him to do these things, and he doesn't mind. it's about being a team. sure, i feel overwhelmed sometimes, i definitely feel taken for granted sometimes, but then i realize, hey, my H is not a mind reader! he needs to know what goes on in my head. and then, it all works out.
A little of both. I do ask and sometimes he helps other times he acts like I am riding his a$$. I think he just truly doesn't realize everything there is to do. He does help with DD I just feel that he only helps with about 10%. And some of it is that I don't like the way he does things. For example his way of entertaining DD usually involves him sticking her in the bouncer or on the floor and occasionally making a face or talking to her while he watches TV or plays on the internet- which he's a guy, so you can imagine how much he is really paying attention to DD. So, she usually gets fussy and I end up taking over the second I get done with whatever chore I am taking care of if I even finish it.
J - everyone here has already given you advice (and some really good stuff at that).
I'm just here to give you ((hugs)) and to let you know you are most certainly not alone in a lot of these feelings!!
I think a lot of new moms can relate to this. I wouldn't give him a list. A lot of these are extensions of others, so I would concentrate on the one or two most important things. Many dads don't necessarily take the initiative but do better if you give them choices. "This, this and this need to be done. I'm doing this. Would you please do this?" DH and I have both said that to each other at times, and it works. It sounds like if you two are able to communicate better, a lot of the things on your list may start to fall into place.
I hope you feel better.
Ditto.
I also think it has to do with your daughter's age. She's a newborn, and it takes a LOT of work right now (especially with working and pumping, etc.) It will get better as she gets older.
Also, it depends on your DH's personality. Is he the type of guy that WILL help out with a lot of these things, and just doesn't because he doesn't know? Or, is he just not into the whole newborn stage and that's why he's not doing so much? This has a huge factor too.
GL!?
It sounds like most of the DHs are exactly alike. I could have written this exact list, and I have talked to DH about it. Except I have two step-kids that I also do everything for. He didn't believe he just left dishes or cups everywhere, and he didn't attempt to pick up after the boys. So I started leaving everything he and the boys used where they left it. After 3 day the house was awful, but he saw how much I did by pick up after all of them.
I thought DH would have been different but this is his third child and its still the same. He doesn't make bottle, feed, change, or bathe DD. If I leave she screams because he has not bonded with her, so she is my little buddy. This has effected the way I feel towards DH, and he can not understand why I don't hug and kiss him.
My SIL told me once that men will let you do it all, unless you ask for help. I have really had to learn to ask for help. DH is great at spending time with us and playing, but sometimes he doesn't realize all the "extra" stuff that needs done. Washing bottles, laundry, pumping, packing the diaper bag, etc. Most of the time, I just need him to entertain DS while I'm doing the extra stuff (because I enjoy doing it). DH does whatever I ask him to do and if I ask him to do it every day or once a week, he will do it. It just doesn't occur to him to do it on his own. I think that most men let the women take the lead in regards to taking care of baby, so they are "waiting" to be told what to do.
Also, you need to take time for yourself. I'm a much happier person now that I do that. Right now Thursday is my night to do whatever I want. I can stay at home with DH and DS if I want or I can go shopping, have a happy hour with friends anything. I also told DH that I needed to start getting out of the house on weekends. We used to go to dinner almost every Saturday night so barely leaving the house on weekends was killing me. Now we take DS to lunch most Saturday afternoons. DH has commented that I'm happier now.
Talk to your DH. I probably wouldn't go over your whole list at one time. Pick a couple of the things that are bothering you the most and work on those first. Hopefully, as your DH starts to help more, the other things will improve too. GL!
This is my experience exactly. DH always wants to help, but he doesn't always know how. If I give him a to-do list, or ask him to do something specifically, he will always get it done. It might be worth trying if you haven't, before you have this conversation.
Instead of going through your list (because that will overwhelm him and I don't think he'll get the message you actually want to share) I recommend having a long talk with him about needing him to help you out more. Tell him exactly what it is you need help with (men aren't very intuitive) and explain that you need a little more 'me' time.
DH and I used to split shifts. Meaning DH was in charge of DC from 7-12, then I took over. I'm a temp. SAHM so that worked for us. Since it looks like you work, maybe say 5-7 is his time and 7-9 is your time or something along those lines. Just make sure your free time isn't all used up making dinner, because you'll probably still be resentful if it is. Also, don't forget that your DH still needs his downtime too. I know you pump during the day, I pump and know how rough it is, but you can't hold that time against your DH since its not like he can do it for you.
GL.