Would you be mad at DH??

Liz342 · March 2009

I have been complaining to DH for not being home enough....Right now I am a SAHM and I'm pretty much with DD 24/7. DH is a teacher, on normal days (there haven't been many of these lately) he is home at 4pm. Once or twice a week he works late, supervising games at the school. Sometimes he is able to come home on these days for about an hour and then he is gone for a couple hours. On these days he spends maybe 2 waking hours with DD.

He also wants to play in a basketball league Mondays and Wednesdays which goes from 6-8:30ish. On these days he gets maybe 2 hours with DD. NOW he also wants to play Friday nights (same time). The basketball will go on for another month or two. So on weeknights he is home one, maybe two nights.

My mom thinks I should limit him to basketball once a week because I get no break. DH is usually home on the weekends and he is great about letting me get out of the house when I can, but it worries me that he is barely home during the week. I figured he would want to see DD as much as possible, but if there's basketball, he would rather be doing that. I feel bad for getting mad because when he's home he will take care of DD and he will tell me to go do whatever I want, but it makes me mad that he is gone SO much.

Would you be mad???

AmyDrinkie · March 2009

Yes, I would be mad. ?I would ask him why he'd rather play basketball than spend time together as a family.

VegasWed · March 2009

I'm all for each person being able to do something they like and having "me" time, but I also think it's important to compromise and find a happy medium that works for the entire family. I wouldn't be mad, but I would definately let him know that you want him to be home a little more to spend time with you and DC, and couldn't he keep it M, W and still be happy?

JOEBunny · March 2009

My DH gets 15 to 30 minutes with DD on weekdays and often no time at all. On weekends, maybe an hour or two alone with her on the weekends, if he doesn't have work to do. I would love if he could spend 2 hours with us even once during the week.

I think that exersize and sports are important for my husbands well being, so I would support him in doing that. If he were going to dart night at the local bar, not so much.

NicoleOSU · March 2009

Yes, I would.

Mrs.Beans · March 2009

I wouldn't be mad about playing basketball in general, but three nights a week seems a little excessive, especially when there are also a couple nights a week that he has to work late. I think I would be ok with one, maybe two nights a week, but not more than that. You need a mental break from being at home with the baby all day - it's not easy.

mieuxmieux · March 2009

I would be mad.

Temp552270562505132 · March 2009

not mad, but i would definitely tell him he needs to keep it real with the friday night basketball. and by keep it real i mean get rid of it. maybe if he is really into exercise, you guys can all do bike rides on saturday, or find a family activity that involves being active.

susanmosley · March 2009

I think I would be sad more than mad that he is choosing basketball. I would be careful about NOT letting him do something that is relatively harmless and is his activity of choice. I would express my feelings unangrily and then let him choose.

I think it is different for DHs. Mine is great too when he is here. I SAH, and often when he gets home from work, I would get a little annoyed because he wouldn't immediately take DD so I could have a minute with two arms and my own thoughts. But then I realized that he too was at a full time job and as much as I was wanting a minute alone, he was too. And then he wants to go run, shower, and sit down for a minute before he is really ready to play with DD. I felt like I was doing all of the work with DD, then realized that it isn't fair to him to have to work 9 hours a day and not do anything else for himself - exercise, watch sportscenter, etc. It helped me a lot when I went through the entire week of DHs activities from DHs perspective.

I also noticed when DD got a little older - 5 month - and is more active and communicative, he wants to be with her more than some of his other activities. Within the last month, he has fallen hard for her and she has moved up the priorioty list!

inbetweendreams · March 2009

Yes, I would be mad. I think it's important for everybody to have interests or hobbies but not at the expense of family time. There has to be a balance between the two.

Liz342 · March 2009

Thank you guys!!! I feel so much better, that others would be a little mad too! He is a big help when he's home, but I just don't get why he doesn't want to be home more.....

He hurt his knee and couldn't play at all last year so now he's saying he is so excited to play, but last year he wasn't a father!!!!!

6fsn · March 2009

I wouldn't like it since it seems excessive,

That said...you need to keep your mom out of it.

disbride061103 · March 2009

I would not be mad, but I would let him know that three nights a week is too much. I would explain that to you it seems like basketball is more important that spending time with your LO. I would also explain that while you love your LO, you need a break too, even if it is just 20 minutes to drink a cup of tea while DH is entertaining your LO. DH and I have had to work hard to come to a balance on this. I felt like he was the one who was always getting to go out and have fun while I was at home with DS. I would get upset with DH about it and he didn't understand that it was more about me not getting out than it was about him going out (although he wasn't going out three nights a week). Thursdays are now my evening to do what I want, even if it is just go to the grocery store without DS. And we have started going out for lunch on Saturday. It helps me to get out of the house and even DH has commented that I'm in a better mood because of it.

copaceticcrack · March 2009

"I should limit him to basketball once a week because I get no break."

I understand why you're upset, but you're his wife, not his mother, so this "limiting him" should go. You probably wouldn't like it if he started telling you what you could/could not do, right?

Also, I hate to say it, but men just aren't as engaged with little babies as women are; to them, honestly, 3 month olds are just kinda boring - their kid or not. Once the baby becomes more "fun" to them, he will inevitably want to spend more time with him/her. The difference in my DH with our 5-month old is huge compared to even a month ago.

Just have an honest discussion with him, but leave "you can't do this, you have to do this" type comments out of it. Good luck.

noimnotmarried · March 2009

i would be mad, and my SO wouldn't even try to pull this. i cringe when i hear people say, "he's been working all day, he needs a break when he comes home." yes, he has been working all day but being a mom is working 24 hours a day.

and this "men just aren't as engaged with little babies as women are; to them, honestly, 3 month olds are just kinda boring - their kid or not" is not true for all men. my SO has his share of flaws, but he is just as infatuated with the little silly things DS does as i am. he hates that he has to miss out on milestones when he is at work.

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