long: how to handle my brother?

food_chick

I am going to try to make this as short as I can...

Background on my brother: we (basically my mom and I) have always suspected my brother to be bipolar, or least very depressed.  Ever since he was a toddler he has had terrible mood swings.  He was one of those kids who was literally dragged kicking and screaming from stores.  We got into terrible fights as teenagers (he literally threw things like shoes at me, one time he grabbed my neck).  I know that I was the cause sometimes - siblings know how to push buttons, and I was too young to realize how unhappy he is as a person.  Well, he's 25 now and things are not better.  We tend to get along better, but that's because I really really make a huge effort to ignore the rude comments and try to talk nice. 

He is extremely opiniated, so much so that talking to him is no fun.  Even if he agrees with you he will say he doesn't just to argue. 

We've suspected that things were getting worse with him, probably because ds was born and my mom and I talk all the time now.  But it's both of us calling each other, my brother so rarely calls.  I also invite them over more frequently than I used to; I almost always invite my brother too, but he often says he's busy or whatever. 

Just this weekend, my parents stopped by to give him some crab they caught and asked if they could come in.  He said he was playing video games but they could come in and watch.  Another thing he does - stays in all weekend playing video games, and I'm not exaggerating when I say ALL weekend. 

We are leaving tomorrow morning for a 4 hour drive to my uncles.  My mom told my brother monday that we were leaving at 7 or 7:30 and she'd let him know when she knew for sure.  He called her this AM all p!ssed because she hadn't called him yet.  She was having a rough morning at work and was on a time limit with something so she said she'd call him back. I'm not sure what happened the rest of the day, but I know they talked this evening.  She said it was very akward, lots of silence, etc.  But he finally said he won't be part of this family unless we leave at 8:50. 

 I try so hard to remind myself that he's just not a happy person; he never has been.  But it is so hard when all he does is shout his opinons at you and tell you why you're wrong.  We have always been afraid he would hurt himself.  Or drink too much (another thing I didn't mention - he's a big binge drinker; couple times/week he gets VERY drunk).

If you got this far, thank you - I really needed to get this out and dh is at work in a meeting until late.  And if anyone has any tips on how to deal with my brother, please tell me.  I'm going to let some time pass, but I would like to somehow approach him and suggest he talk to someone/get help.  Somehow telling him that I've talked to counselors in the past when I was feeling depressed and how much better it made me feel.   

food_chick

Oops, he wants to leave at 7:50, not 8:50. 

Depression does run in our family; my dad and his brother suffer from mood swings like this as well, but my brother is way worse than both of them.

Temp174496125006552

Do you think he'd be open to the idea of counseling?  I would definitely start off by telling him how much you love him and come from a place of trying to help vs. 'you have a problem', if you know what I mean.

I don't have any specific advice per se, but just wanted to say that I hope you can get your brother the help he needs and that things get better for him and your family.  Best of luck!

Carolyn79

I wonder if you tried to talk to him one on one if he might just get mad and try to shut you out, or turn it into a fight. Maybe if you had sort of an intervention, like get your mom and dad and anyone close to him together to talk to him, to tell him how much you all love him and that you can see that he's unhappy or hurting and suggest he get counselling, maybe it would make him realize he does have problems. He may be in denial that anything is even wrong. I think it would be easy for him to blow off one person, but if there were a few of you it might force him to really think about it and realize this is serious.

7/04Bride

Does he have "highs" ever?  If he doesn't, I'm not so sure that he has bipolar.  From what you were describing, it sounds like he is suffering from depression and MAYBE oppositional defiant disorder.  The thing with getting help by going to a counselor or something is that he has to feel like he needs and wants help.  Sometimes people benefit more from medication than just therapy.  Starting with a counselor or a psychologist might be a good place to start and they could help him decide if he should see a psychiatrist.  Does he have a job?  I wish I had more advice to offer.  It sounds like a tough situation, especially since you said he disagrees so much with people (part of why I'm thinking he might have oppositional defiant disorder) - he may never admit to anyone that he has a problem.

collegegal

So maybe some of his behaviors are because of an illness. But, he has made the choice to live this unhappy lifestyle and not do anything about it. His mood swings have given him a way to control and manipulate those around him. At least, those who allow him to.

 This whole "leave when I want to" thing is a control/manipulation. Tell him you are leaving at the time you started out with, and he is welcome to come - at 730. You and your mom need to decide that you are not going to enable him to continue his manipulation by playing into his mood swings.

 
The National Institute of Mental Health has booklets you can order for free that talk in laymen's terms about these kinds of problems, maybe you can get one for him and try to talk to him about it. Or, print some info from a reliable source on the internet. Think of it as an intervention - he has the choice to get help, but if he does not, your relationship will change in that you will no longer allow him to manipulate you and will no longer allow him to be in your presence if drinking/drunk.
 

collegegal

It depends if it is Bipolar I or Bipolar II. I can't remember which is which without my DSM-IV TR in front of me... one is extreme mood swings from mania (not sleeping for days, risk taking behaviors, extreme happiness) to extreme lows (depression, tearful, angry, withdrawn). The other is basically a baseline of emotion with dramatic drops to depression. In Bipolar, depression isnt' always a tearful woe-is-me type behavior, it can also be anger, or compulsive behaviors - drugs, alcohol, shopping, sex, etc. 

 

 

food_chick

Thanks for the input ladies.  I'll definitely check into more information.  And talk to my parents and see how they want to handle it.  While I would love to help him, he often lashes out at me more than them.  And unfortunately, he doesn't really have friends, the ones he does have are pretty....different/scary/not sure what to call them?  But he tends to find low life friends so it would probably just be my parents and maybe me. 

food_chick

I forgot to mention that when people first meet him they love him, he seems caring, sweet, etc.; it's when  they get to know him and his true colors come out that things change.  He's never had a long term relationship; I think a few months is the longest he's ever dated anyone.

Maybe this is all just alcoholism, but because it started so young I'm sure it's more.  He doesn't really get 'highs,' but he definitely gets very low.  And he tends to talk about things like he knows everything about it. 

ougrad1

Are there drugs involved?  It sounds like there may be.   Have you guys tried making plans and if he wasn't there, leaving without him? 

food_chick

Other than alcohol, no drugs that I know of.  He tried pot in highschool, but as far as I know that's it.  This is the first time he's been this bad about leaving.  He said he feels like we never ask him his opinion on things like this and he's sick of it, that we just tell him where to be and when.