need advice! long

rvillebride27

so my best friend got pregnant by this guy she had been sleeping w/ for a while, during which he lived w/ 2 separate girl friends and lied about it, while she was pregnant he beat her up.  Not once but about 3 times, he kicked her in the stomach,  punched her in it, and choked her, once was in public nonetheless!  He also locked her in his basement room he rented and said he was going to kill her and the baby and bury them in the backyard and raped her on a separate occasion.  I thought that she was thru w/ him, then after the baby was born she let him see him.  Since then she is practically living w/ him and in august he beat her again, this time in front of her son who was about 7 mo at the time, and made her sit in the bathtub all nite, choking her and beating her off and on all nite.  I took pics of her neck and other bruised areas for her because she was soo done w/ him and couldn't believe he would do that in front of the baby and the baby was scared and cried.  I told her, as I have done from the beginning of this crap, that she can do better, this is a girl who does not take crap from anyone!  If this was another girl and not her and I was telling her about it, she would say, that girl is an idiot to put her child threw all that, in fact she has said that about other friends of ours.  I have told her I don't want to be around him, because I can't hold my tongue and I just don't trust him, I told her this when she was mad at him so she was like ok fine.  Now things are hunky dory w/ them, I want to tell her that I do not want to be around him, I do not want my dd around him, my dh has basically forbidden me to take her around him which I totally understand. How should I go about it?   Her son's b day is coming up and I don't want to go if he is there.  This guy is f'ing crazy, she has told me he told her he raped other girls, he has been w/ hookers etc.., he is just digusting. 

JARbaby

I am sorry but she is toxic and your life has a different focus. I would not go and tell her exactly why. Because you don't want to deal with the pain when he finally kills her either by beating or HIV/AIDS.

Marie Tourville

You need to stand your ground and tell her you do not like him, you are not comfortable being around him and you WILL NOT have your child around him.  Make sure she knows that you love her, but you do not condone her choices and can't be there is he is there.   Tell her she doesn't have to choose, you are still her friend and that you will always be there for her, but that you can't be around him.

Temp174496125006552

I don't even know where to begin.  Does your friend have low self esteem?  That is the only reason I can fathom being with such a giant sack of shit like him.  I can't wrap my brain around the fact that she would stay in such an violent, unhealthy relationship, especially with a baby in the picture.  I would rather be alone (and I was a single mom, for 11.5 years - it can be done) than be with a loser like that.  I would fear for my child's safety.  Why isn't that enough of a motivation for her to leave him?

As far as the birthday party, I would be honest and tell her that given everything he has done to her, you can't stand to be in the same room with him and your DH doesn't want you or the baby around him.  She's a fool if she tries to justify for one second all the crap he's done to her.  He's abusive and she should have pressed charges a long time ago.

I'm sorry...and I hope your friend comes to her senses soon - for her sake and the baby's. 

violetblue72

I'm concerned for your friend but even more concerned for their child!  There is no way this man will not hurt that child since he has done all of these other things you've listed in your post. 

I agree, tell her you are her friend no matter what but she has to realize that her child's safety is in serious jeopardy and she needs to do something about that.  Maybe she will do something for her child if not for herself.  Does she have family who will support her?  I would assume she's afraid of this man if he's done these things.

And this is a girl who obviously will take crap like that so she needs help.  I don't know what the right thing is to do in that situation, I just know if she is your friend you have to not give up on her and her child because they are in serious danger.

rvillebride27

I can't fathom why she puts up w/ it.  It's like she gets off on the drama, I don't understand it and it pi$$es me off because she will come over or talk to me about how she can't stand him or hates him for what he did to her then a week later she is all, "well we are going to try to make it work".  I really thought that once the baby was born she would see sense.  I'm afraid for her and for the baby, I agree that at some point he may hurt the baby.  I hadn't heard from her for a month or so and I texted her just to make sure she is still alive, I worry about her when I don't hear from her, but I also know that it usually means she is back w/ him.  I have known this girl for 15 yrs, this is not my friend.  She is a different person now.  Our lives are going in totally different directions and I don't want to loose her but I can't get mixed up w/ him, I don't even want him to know my last name or where I live. 

Temp174496125006552

I hadn't heard from her for a month or so and I texted her just to make sure she is still alive, I worry about her when I don't hear from her, but I also know that it usually means she is back w/ him.  I have known this girl for 15 yrs, this is not my friend.  She is a different person now.  Our lives are going in totally different directions and I don't want to loose her but I can't get mixed up w/ him,

Have you told her this?  I would tell her how much you love her, value your friendship but truly fear for the safety of her and the baby.  Does she have family she could go to?  This is a really difficult situation.  I don't envy you.  And I agree with everyone else who said it's only a matter of time before he starts hurting the baby.  I hope not, but clearly he is not 'all there'.

rvillebride27

I told her this months ago, she kind of just laughed it off, I told her he scares me and I'm worried about her safety. She acted like I'm overreacting but she is the one telling me all this crap about him.  Her family is not the greatest, her mom has met him and been around him, my mom would have punched him in the face or worse if he did that to me.  It's crappy, I just can't expose my daughter to a man like that who obviously hates women.  I think it would be irresponsible of me. 

cvincent0423

i had a friend in almost the exact same situation. ?she got pregnant on purpose thinking she would change him and it didn't. ?she got pregnant a second time thinking it would change him and he was gone before his son was born. ?she was devastated but we were all so glad that he was out of her life. ?i can tell you why she put up with it. ?she was basically abandoned by her mother ?and just wanted someone to love her. ?she had no healthy relationships to learn from in her life and she had no self esteem or self worth. ?no matter what we did or said she stayed with him. ?so we let her know that we would always be there for her and had to let her make her own decisions. ?it is hard to watch a friend be so self destructive but this really is something she will have to deal with herself. ?and until she realizes that the relationship is toxic there isn't much you can do. ?just let her know you care and will be there for her. ?i do think you need to keep your DD away from him. ?if you really feel like you need to go to the b-day you could go solo. ?say DD isn't feeling well if you need an excuse or just be honest.