SAHD and concerns about telling family

christie.h

DH and I have been considering the idea of him being a SAHD. I have my BA and a great and secure career in graphic design and advertising with my employer. He's been out of work for a couple months now, and has only been able to find work on and off over the past 2 yrs. He's been doing a great job of taking care of the house and me through the pregnancy, and I don't know that we could afford daycare even if he was working. Right now we barely make it on my salary, but that's because we are trying to fix some previous financial mistakes.My questions are:Are there any major concerns of being a SAH parent that we should consider in our decision process?Have any of you noticed less/more stress on your relationship with DH by one of you working and one of you being at home?How do you tell your parents and family? I'm facing some hard conversations with my family accepting the idea of me being a career woman while he's a SAHD. It's hard to fight those stereotypes and to convince them that I want to be a working mom.?

madhatter2003

My DH was a SAHD for the first year. Financially it just worked out better that way for us (he is finishing his PhD and so had the flexibility to take some 'time off' without losing much in the way of career progress).

 Some issues we faced:

Money - will he feel 'guilty' about spending your money? If you are used to joint accounts it may not be a big deal, but if you are used to separate finances it can be a shock to have him feel like he has to ask for every little thing.

 
Lack of adult contact - he always felt weird going to playgroups/classes since most were always SAHMs and weren't always very 'welcoming' for lack of a better term. It can be hard on the SAH parent to feel so isolated during the day.

Will it impact his career later? SAHMs can usually 'explain' time away from the workforce, Men may have a harder time just given how our society works/thinks.

 

I loved having my DH at home. He is the cook and is great with our DD, plus it was nice not having to worry about daycare, what to do if she got sick, etc during that first year adjusting to parenthood. Plus he could bring her in some days and meet me for lunch, etc which made my transition easier.

I did feel guilty at times though....I felt jealous sometimes of their 'bond' and felt like he knew her better than I did since he was around more, but I think that's pretty common of all working moms!

My family was very supportive, but again our situation was a bit unique given he was still in school, etc. But we have a lot of teachers in our family that are men that would stay home in the summers, etc so it was more 'acceptable' to our family that the woman works/is the primary breadwinner rather than the man.
 

christie.h

madhatter2003:

My DH was a SAHD for the first year. Financially it just worked out better that way for us (he is finishing his PhD and so had the flexibility to take some 'time off' without losing much in the way of career progress).

?Some issues we faced:

Money - will he feel 'guilty' about spending your money? If you are used to joint accounts it may not be a big deal, but if you are used to separate finances it can be a shock to have him feel like he has to ask for every little thing.

?
Lack of adult contact - he always felt weird going to playgroups/classes since most were always SAHMs and weren't always very 'welcoming' for lack of a better term. It can be hard on the SAH parent to feel so isolated during the day.

Will it impact his career later? SAHMs can usually 'explain' time away from the workforce, Men may have a harder time just given how our society works/thinks.

?

I loved having my DH at home. He is the cook and is great with our DD, plus it was nice not having to worry about daycare, what to do if she got sick, etc during that first year adjusting to parenthood. Plus he could bring her in some days and meet me for lunch, etc which made my transition easier.

I did feel guilty at times though....I felt jealous sometimes of their 'bond' and felt like he knew her better than I did since he was around more, but I think that's pretty common of all working moms!

My family was very supportive, but again our situation was a bit unique given he was still in school, etc. But we have a lot of teachers in our family that are men that would stay home in the summers, etc so it was more 'acceptable' to our family that the woman works/is the primary breadwinner rather than the man.
?

Thank you! I think he's pretty comfortable with our joint finances, but I am worried that he might have a hard time later explaining the time off.

I am a little concerned that I will be jealous of their bond, but I am home every weekend, and the idea of him bringing her to lunch once in awhile eases my mind. I'm very worried about my family - my mom especially thinks he should be taking care of me, and I feel like she forgets who I am.?

Bella427

DH got laid off last month and has been a SAHD since (we took DD out of daycare).  I'm not sure how long he'll be at home in this economy and he may take on a few side projects (if he can get them) in the meantime.  He's an architect and my job is much more stable.  It has been an adjustment.  I'm trying to reframe my thinking.  Since sometimes SAHDs don't get as much respect as they should, I'm trying to think of it as DH working from home.  Maybe you could put it that way to your family and friends.  Really though, who cares what anyone else thinks if it works for you guys??

christie.h

Bella427:

DH got laid off last month and has been a SAHD since (we took DD out of daycare).? I'm not sure how long he'll be at home in this economy and he may take on a few side projects (if he can get them) in the meantime.? He's an architect and my job is much more stable.? It has been an adjustment.? I'm trying to reframe my thinking.? Since sometimes SAHDs don't get as much respect as they should, I'm trying to think of it as DH working from home.? Maybe you could put it that way to your family and friends.? Really though, who cares what anyone else thinks if it works for you guys??

You're right. They're opinions shouldn't matter if it's what's right for us, but some ppl in our family have very strong opinions, and I'd like to avoid the stress of multiple conversations and ppl being?judgmental. I hate giving my mom one more reason to look down on him, even though I think it's a good thing. Generally we're all very close, but I'm afraid her opinion about this might put a strain on our relationship. Thank you for the insight.

AlisaS

Forget the family. You need to consider the economic ramifications in the long term  - retirement, savings, medical care costs, etc.

Can he train for another job? Or would him being a SAHD make better sense for you as a family?

nova@spamcop.net

I think the biggest concern with a SAH parent is only having one income.  As long as one of you has a stable job with health ins, shouldn't be too bad.  My advice is to make sure both of you agree on how to spend the money, and that what's left over after bills is shared by both.  That way, one partner doesn't start resenting having to ask for money to buy little stuff they want.  DH and I each have an allowance we get each week, and that works for us.  Anything more than that goes to savings, retirement or household improvements.

DH will be a SAHD.  We talked it over extensively before TTC to make sure we were both okay with what our roles would be.  I think it actually makes DH feel a little better, like he's earning his keep.  He hates not bringing in a salary for the household.  He's been out of work for years now.

Issues?  I'd say just make sure to talk a lot.  Don't let anything fester.  It's too easy for one partner to start resenting the other for what they have:  stay at home freedom, or a job and money coming in.  The grass is always greener, you know.

Like a pp said, it doesn't matter what your family thinks.  Just tell them that this is your decision, and you made it as a family.  It's what's best for everyone.  End of discussion.

curlypie1

 My DH has been a SAHD since DD was born. He took a buyout package from his old job right before she was born, so the timing worked out. He still gets adult interaction because he's taking some classes at night.

I'll admit it wasn't easy on him. The combination of not going work everday and staying home with a baby did a toll on his sanity the first year. I'm not sure I helped matters much as I wasn't happy with the situation and often wished we could switch roles and I could stay home. I'm sure that caused much of the strain.

After DD turned 1, I feel like things really settled down and we are much more comfortable in our roles. I'm happy where I'm at with my career and I have a job flexible enough for me to spend plenty of time with my child.

So all in all, I will say it was hard at first but now it's working great. I really like co-parenting this way and I feel like we both know and have bonded with DD enormously.

Try to forget about what your family will think. You're doing what's best for the baby. This is your turn to decide how to raise a child. Others in your family have already had their turn. Good luck!!!!