Yet another WWYD...
We have SS's for Xmas this year. The boys are very spoiled when it comes to "things"...I mean, it's ridiculous. They have flat screen TV's in their rooms...full on computer systems and hook ups, Xbox, Wii, Playstation...dirt bikes...MP3 players, ipods...they say "I want it" and BM buys it. (with the CS we give of course...since BM doesn't work...and refuses to) (oh and then I wonder why the kids have all these fandangled toys and crap but they have shoes with holes in them and jackets that aren't warm enough for winter weather...dumbarse BM...)
Anyway, in Christmases past, we have had issues at Christmas - 1 example is when the youngest opened something and flat out said "ewww...I don't like this..." Another example is when the boys had finished opening their many gifts from us one year and they said "Is that it? Is that all we get?"
I'm tired of it and I don't put up with that BS but DH bends a litte more because he doesn't see the boys as often as he used to due to where we all live now and he tends to let them get away with murder at times. I told DH that THIS year, if I so much as hear a "I don't like this" or "Is this it?" I will promptly be taking it ALL back to the store OR donating it to child who actually appreciates someone's thoughtfulness. Do you think this is too harsh? I personally don't think it is - the boys also need to be more educated on caring for others and not being selfish (which we attempted through volunteer work this past summer...) and for being thankful when someone takes the time to think of you. We constantly talk to them about this - they're not babies - they're about to turn 12 and 16 within the next few months.
I think if they're still going to act that ungrateful, that it would be a good "lesson" - they're not used to someone calling their bluff - and they know that sort of behavior is unacceptable in OUR house, even if it does occur in their BM's house without reprimand...
Re: Yet another WWYD...
First off I have read almost all your posts. Your step sons are constantly lying about you and their father to their mother and her new hubby right? Both your DH and BM husband are in the military and BM husband has sent threatening and unprofessional emails to him about matters with the children, etc... these are just a few of the stories.
I have the same point of view that you have. I think that's the problem with children today - many parents don't teach them the value of anything. They think they "deserve" things, don't honor their parents, much less respect any type of authority. I know that the kids have been fed a lot of BS by their mother. However I think the older one really should know better - and it's awful that he is setting such a terrible example to his younger brother.
Why not just get each kid $50 gift certificate. I really don't see why you should spend so much money - when they really don't want to be with their father, lie about him when they get back, and then reap the benefits of you both spending your hard earned cash. Our economy is really tough right now and If you know they're going to be rude jerks, and complain about the gifts why both splurging????. It's time for the kids to stop looking at their father for just money. Your Dh should be having father son talks about real life - about his job in loving them, teaching them right and wrong, about that being his job. Not about him having to spend outrageous amounts of money to get their approval. It's time for your DH to have this talk. Good Luck!
First off, I say buy them clothes. Sounds like they don't need anything else. Keep the receipts and you can take them to exchange things for a different style if you like or rather if they behave with some modicum of manners.
However, sit the little ingrates down BEFORE Christmas morning and tell them your expectations. Tell them something like, look, we get you things because we love you and want to get you some things because we think you'll like them. However, it makes us feel like you don't appreciate us when you act like little snobby sh!ts on Christmas morning. I feel like packing everything up and giving it to someone who will actually be grateful for it.
In fact, if you two have the nerve to turn up your noses at anything you open, that's exactly what we'll do.
Then Christmas morning, they can't act surprised.
I don't know but I tend to think these two could use a couple hours dipping ladles at the local soup kitchen.
Click me, click me!
I too am concerned with SD being too spoiled - not from BM but more from us since we do enjoy getting things for her that we know BM wont/can't afford since there are two other children in the house. I told SD this year that we aren't doing a lot of presents. Last year when we were finished opening them she said "Is that it?" I know it was an innocent question but it also worried me a little. SO, I warned her that we weren't going to be getting a lot this year AND that it is the thought that counts and that someone spent their time and money while they were thinking about her.
The other thing she will be doing is donating her hair to locks of love. She has grown her hair out and I thought since she is only 8 that it would be something from her that was really meaningful that she could give to someone else - not just stuff. In the past I have considered going to a homeless shelter as a family and volunteering our time so she can see that she is lucky to have what she has. She tells us that she wants this or that but follows it up with "just so you know what I want".
It sounds like your SS's are already spoiled and the time for teaching them about these kinds of things is quickly passing. However, you might consider if they want high ticket items then they will have to donate another high ticket item that they no longer use to charity. Just an idea -
As for being too harsh - I am not sure - unfortunately they have been raised in that environment and just because they flippantly say "is that all etc." I am not sure it is fair to take it away.
Have you thought about giving a store specific gift card or giving them a budget and then they can spend it on what they choose (and tell them that is all they are geting) - the more gifts the less expensive they will be or one more expensive gift and then you can get them a couple smaller surprise gifts they don't know about - and if they do say something remind them that they had the choice about how many things they got.
Well - this is what we did so far - last Xmas was especially hard for us and we mailed them each a check so they could either save it towards something they wanted or buy something small.
It's been a couple of years since DH has gotten an actual "Xmas Day" with them - last Xmas was BM's Xmas and the year before, DH was still on his 1 yr tour in Iraq.
So we wanted them to have a few things to open but I told DH I refuse to go overboard and be the Disneyland parents that BM and their SD are 24/7.
We asked the boys to pick a reasonable item they wanted for Xmas. The youngest said an Xbox game and the oldest wants a computer game.
I waited until I got a coupon for the base exchange (and there's no tax there) and I went and got the game that each of them asked for. On my own though, I bought each of them a nice, new sweater and a shirt.(again, I got a really good deal) I got the oldest new nike shorts and a shirt for football practice and some stocking stuffer things like a toothbrush, razor/shave gel, cd case for a car, flashlight, etc since he'll be 16 in March.
For the youngest, his add ons besides the sweater were a telescope (again, got a great deal - nice telescope - 19 bucks!) and a model humvee since he loves all things military (DH and SS's SD are military) - his stocking things are some card games, 1 small bag of his fave candy, gum, a small board game, etc.
All in all we spent about 80-85 dollars on each of them and I thought that was MORE than reasonable. (originally the oldest had asked for a NEW MP3 player to which DH promptly explained a budget, etc...so I'm glad he did that and stood up for us and our financial situation.)
Hind - funny you mention the soup kitchen - DH and I have actually looked into doing that in the DC area and having the boys do that with us - DH is supposed to give me an update on that today! I think that would be great for them too...
Oh and we do plan on having a "talk" with them because my MIL is on the same train as us - she said if the boys make an issue out of what they are getting from her or are not thankful, she will take it back as well...MIL has had it as well...
We also bought clothes for the boys over the summer while they were here - even though you'd think we wouldn't need to do that with the ridiculous amount of CS BM gets...it's sickening really - and yes, it's sad that many kids are becoming so immersed in the "materialistic world..." they don't know what reality is - they don't know what it's like to truly be "hungry" - to NEED a new coat - to not have all the toys and "things" that they get constantly...
That's why I thought what we got was reasonable this year - 1 thing they asked for and a couple things they didn't, and at least one of them they can wear. To me, Christmas can still be fun and enjoyable and not about "the stuff" - DH and I didn't get anything for each other last year. We're not getting anything for each other this year either - after all we've been through we're really just glad to have one another and feel very blessed to be expecting a baby together.
Good ideas on taking the gifts back, donating them, etc... but can you really do that and are you prepared to do that? Everyone can talk the talk - but walking it is a different story... Dont say it if you can't, or they will see that they really can get whatever they want when they want.
I took back all of my SD's birthday gifts after she did some really terrible things. And truly - she was shocked. BUT - she saw that my DH and I weren't tolerating that behavior - so maybe she'll think twice this year.
Oh no - I'm definitely serious! The boys will get a forewarning too - just like they got one regarding "thanking people" for gifts they receive. DH and I told the boys since they live pretty far from everyone, if anyone - including grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc sends them a gift, they are to call and say thank you or write a thank you note because they're definitely old enough to say thank you when someone takes the time to think of them. When we had our "talk" about this, DH and I told the boys "Everyone in our family always thanks each other for being thoughtful of one another and the new rule is, if you don't thank someone for a gift they sent you, then that person is not to send you a gift next time for your next b-day, or Xmas or whatever the occasion was..." the boys said they understand this and oldest SS chose not to acknowledge the check my mom sent him for his 15th birthday...but he ran out and cashed it right away (and we know he got it because DH asked him and all he said was "Yeah.") So my mom is not sending him a b-day gift this year and he will know why too. (I think he just doesn't believe we'll all stick to our promise.) We told the boys, if someone takes the time to think of you and get you a gift, you take a moment to write a note of thanks or give them a call.
But yes, I'm dead set on it - I'm not going to be mean or anything - they'll get fair warning and if the ingrate attitude arises, those gifts WILL be going back.
Then I applaud you
Its sad that it comes down to this some time but unfortunately it's the only way that kids learn... 
I agree - dont be mean about it - just do it.
I was raised to write thank you notes - you dont touch it, play with it, use it, spend it, etc. until a thank you was written - and Im still faithful to that! I had 120 wedding thank you's done 4 days after my wedding! haha. Okay - that is a little ridiculous but...
My SD on the other hand doesnt send a thank you, etc. I hate it... I tried addressing/stamping thank you cards and all she had to do was write in them, but she "didnt feel like it"...
DH and I were raised the same way! Thank you's were expected and my mom always told me if someone took enough time to get you something, send you something, etc - the least you can do is take 30 seconds to write a thank you note and pop it in the mail! It's not that hard! And to me, these boys definitely need to be doing things like that because they aren't taught very many morales/values in BM's household...
Oh here's my latest LOL moment from BM too...the boys told us that BM told them that the CS is to to pay for (and I quote:) "their part of the rent!" LOL! Uhhhh...BM's current husband bought the house they live in...and she's trying to tell the kids that DH's CS is to pay for their rent so to speak - for living under that roof with her and their SD, and that's it! Yowza...this woman...
At this point i'd probably tell the boys that the gifts they get from their mom are also from you because of all the money you give her, and she doesn;t earn any of her own.
Without knowing all the background I think it's very harsh. But I do think that examples and expectations need to be set. Can you and DH talk to them ahead of time? Make a compromise on your thoughts and tell them that if they complain about something it will be given to charity or returned and not replaced? Maybe use this year to tell them that if they are not appreciative then next year will be very scaled back? If you say that though I am not sure if you say it ahead of time or calmly the visit after Christm7as. Don't ruin Christmas for everyone including yourself by starting a fight with them, not worth your time. But, I would also make it clear to DH that if they cannot be appreciative that he is on his own next year for shopping, wrapping, etc - it is not too much to expect a thank you. Also, I assume you already do but make an effort to get thing they will really like, then if they complain you have a reason to be annoyed.
I recently told my Mom that I figured out why my 7 and 9yo neice are not more appreciative, of course part of it is having everything (the 9yo said she had everything but a WII) but it's also b/c her Mom will never give us ideas of what they reallly want so we just get them something and it's not something they want - makes it hard to be happy at that age. Of course I know the boys are older but still.
I don't think it's so harsh. It sounds like they have plenty already, if they lose a few gadgets for being rude, I think it's a lesson well learned.
My friend from work has a 5 year old, quite a bit younger than yours, but every Christmas they go through his toys together and he puts the ones he doesn't play with in a huge box and he takes it to donate (I'm thinking about doing this with SDs this year, starting while they're young!). If it were me, I'd make THEM donate their stuff, rather than taking it for them. It would really drive the point home in my opinion. Good luck!
SOUP KITCHEN! And not just once while they are with you. Why not go a couple days before Christmas Eve/Day and have them do the "prep" work for the holiday meal. That way then can see how hard it is to prepare for such an event AND then get the satisfaction of presenting the food to the needy and appreciative.
They will get a much stronger understanding of the whole thing vs showing up and just recieving the gratitude and thanks.
And I would not allow them to actually GET their stuff until the thank you cards are written. We do not allow SS to use his gifts until they are done. It is the only way they DO get done.
PS - Notate that new comment by BM.