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Working Moms
skittles_123
member
Some advice needed . .problems with dh.
skittles_123
member
in Working Moms
So you guys know that my dh have been having some problems. We started to see one of our ministers at church and that has gone caput. My dh keeps cancelling because he is not getting the rest he needs during the day and would rather use that last hour of the afternoon to sleep before the kids are picked up. He works night shift and sleeps during the day, for those of you that aren't familar with our story. Thankfully, he will be going back to day shift in January. He had been on nights since our 1st, ds, was 1 month old. So, this will be an adjustment, hopefully a good one.
Anyway, I want to get to the point of this post. I am a working mom of two, 6 months and 2 1/2 yr old. Our youngest is in daycare full time and our oldest is in a 3 day part time preschool program. Family watches him the other days. I am usually out of the house by 7 or 7:30 am every morning, depending on if it is a preschool day or not. I usually get home by 5:30 pm every night. I am responsible for making dinner each night, and the crockpot has been a huge help there.
After we eat, it is typically play time for about an hour. I try to spend that time with the kids. Then it is bath and bed time (around 8-8:30 pm). We both take part in that, with two kids, it is kind of neccessary for us. Then my dh is off to work. With dh at work and kids in bed, I usually take about an hour at night to catch up on laundry, dishes, and getting things ready for the next day. That is about all I have time to do.
My dh sometimes will work on renovating our bathroom (which he has been doing for over a year now-he is a perfectionist and it has to be perfect) when he has time, sometimes an hour or two after the kids and I are out the door in the morning. He takes out the trash and loads wood in our wood furnace twice a day. He sometimes helps with dishes, but not all the time. That is the extent of his responsibilities and he thinks that it is fair.
Yet, I am the one responsible for everything else that goes on in the home, cleaning, fixing meals, laundry, dishes, grocery shopping and paying bills. I cannot tell you the last time I have really dusted our house. I spot clean when I can and try to keep the floors swept as much as I can. It drives me crazy that I can't keep my house as clean and clutter free as it should be. My dh refuses for us to get someone to come clean our house, even if it is just once a month. He refuses to pay anyone to do anything for us that he can do himself, even if we don't have time to do it. Yet, our main source of arguements is about the house and how dirty it is.
My dh once took 2 hours to clean a bathroom at an apartment we were vacating, again the perfectionist in him. I am sorry, but I don't have time to spend two hours cleaning a bathroom. We have a dishwasher and yet in the evenings when our son is trying to hand him a book to read, he will stand there and wash dishes by hand. He grew up in a home without a dishwasher. I have asked him repeatedly why he does this and he doesn't have a really good answer for that.
Bottom line is my dh thinks I should be stepping up to the plate and doing more around the house. Yet, when I do have those moments and times to make a go at getting the house in order/clean, my dh tends to find that "spot" I missed, and therefore thinks I didn't make the effort that I should have. Again the perfectionist in him. I pretty much feel like no matter what I do, it is never good enough and I am pretty fet up with it.
He was raised by a sahm, who was obsessive compulsive about keeping the house clean, even if it meant sacrificing time spent with the kids (his sister told me this). He doesn't quite get what it is like to be a working mom. He tries to come up with "solutions" to our problems and ways to deal with our conflicts and seems gung ho about it. Again, he doesn't see the point in paying someone to help us solve our problems. Yet, within a day or two, he is back to the same old habits.
I really don't know what I am asking for here, just venting I guess. I have found a counselor for myself and have a call in to him right now. I just don't know how much more of this I can take.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Some advice needed . .problems with dh.
DD -- 5YO
DS -- 3YO
I had someone give me a gift for 10 cleaning sessions for when I first had my DD. I can't imagine what I would do w/o it... NOw that I am back to work f/t there is no way possible I could clean my house, it would take me all day on saturday and that would take away from my time with my DD and DH. so I will make sure to put money aside each month for this, once the 10 sesions are up.
I know it is hard... hopefully he will come to his senses and help you more. if he complains, explain to him you would be happy to clean the house everyday, make dinner and do dishes, laundry and everything else like his mother did, if you were like his mother and a SAHM. Being you have to work, the stigma that the woman does all of those things goes out the window.
I am amazed at the amount of stuff you have on your plate and I think you're doing a wonderful job.
As far as your husband's perfectionist tendencies, that is his problem, it should not become yours. In our house, if one thinks the cleaning job they have done is acceptable, then it is. If the other person expects more, then s/he does it him/herself. Efforts are appreciated regardless of whether a job is done to everyone's satisfaction. If I expected DH to do everything my way, nothing would ever get done. I would rather have less than "perfect" help than no help at all.
I hope your meeting with the counselor goes well.
1) Your husband needs to get his a$$ to therapy/counseling. Needing to sleep an extra hour is a lame excuse. Either he wants his life and his family's to improve, or not.
2) You are doing way too much and letting your DH dictate your lives to a huge extent. As long as you take on all the family responsibilities, it sounds like your husband will gladly let you. So now, it has become your fault, as much as his. You need to create your own boundaries and limits.
3) Have you considered couple's therapy?
I'm so sorry, your situation sounds very stressful! Unfortunately, I think many working moms face similar difficulties when it comes to sharing household duties. It is very hard when you each have different expectations...
Is it possible that when your husbands shift changes he'll be more willing to go to counseling, whether through your church or professional marriage counseling? I think you guys really need an objective third party to help negotiate these things.It sounds like your husband needs to be more willing to compromise somewhere for the sake of your marriage...
If he expects you to do everything that a stay at home mom would do, then you would have to actually be able to stay at home!
I would hire a cleaning person and schedule a counselor appointment for both of you and tell him that if you are important to him, then those are things that you need from him. Not want, but need. Tell him if your marriage is valuable to him, then these are things that you need his help with or you cannot continue this way. We all do things that we don't want to for the person we love. He has to realize that paying someone to clean might not be what he wants but it is what you need and that is important.
I think it's great that you are seeing a counselor on your own. It sounds like you really need someone to talk to and hopefully this will help.
My other suggestion would be to consider talking to someone whose opinion your husband values. Would he respond if he heard from his sister or his mother that they sense your unhappiness and maybe there's something he can do? Just a thought - I think my husband would respond to that because his family and what they think is very important to him.
A perfectionist does the job and does it well. A dictator wants it done well by someone else. Doing an odd job when you feel like it is not comparable to doing the things that need to be done whether you feel like it or not.
Your DH's excuse of needing sleep instead of working on your marriage is lame. And his mom, the perfectionist, raised a whiney little boy.
I wish you luck and I am sorry you are going through tough times.
Your DH pisses me off.
Well I wasn't very helpful.
I would hire a cleaning person if you think that the main cause for issues is house cleanliness. You work hard as well and you should treat yourself. Maybe you can offset something frivolous with the cost of a cleaning person.
Continue to encourage counseling, or at least when he moves to the January schedule, grabbing time each evening, with a glass of wine, or some relaxing music and talk about anything other than the condition of the house. Talking can be very healing. Listen about each others day. Your current schedules are killing you, you are living more apart, then together.
Take the time to relax and do not make excuses for it. We can all be doing other things, but relaxation makes life easier.
Take your DH into those kids rooms and watch them sleep for a minute, talk about what your goals are for them emotionally, financially. Talk about how you are going to reach those goals.
Has he considered HE may be OCD? HE sounds like it if he'll always find the "spot" and takes too long to complete tasks on that account.
Honestly he sounds like a selfish pita. I am so sorry.
I am tempted to say you need to go on strike. From everything. Do not wash up. Do not clean. Do not tidy. Do not do anything other than the bare minimum (ie wash a cup when you need one). You'd probably better keep paying the bills so that the outside world doesn't intrude on the experiment. If he complains tell him you want it to be perfect so you're waiting for him to do it.
Really it sounds like his doesn't have a clue and until he gets it that you do a HELL of a lot, and that he needs to pull his weight, he's not going to change.
I did it once with a guy I lived with. I refused to do the washing up because he was always expecting me to do it (his and mine). It was HARD to let it go, and live in the place (I went home to Mum as often as I could) but finally after 2 weeks and a GROSS kitchen, he caved in and hired someone to clean it for him and then kept up his end after that.
Oh I would add ?a sex strike to the industrial action too.?
I totally broke down a few weeks ago to my DH and said i think we were going to be part of the 50% of couples who DON'T make it. I was sick & tired of nearly all the household responsibilities falling on me alone. He's stepped it up a little lately. At the very least , he thanks me for all the work I've done which, surprisingly, does make it more tolerable. Would that help for you?
I found a very very cheap cleaning lady on craigslist. SHe does an ok job. Sure, I could do a better job...if I didn't have a job, a husband or a kid but (!) I have all 3 so she does a great job compared to what I do lately. It's $15 an hour and I pay her for 3 hours.
Why are men such PRlCKS sometimes? You may want to consider looking into a lawyer. I 'm sorry : ( I just remember that this is not your first post about this. It doesn't seem like your situation is improving & you deserve better.