Older Siblings?

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Hi ladies. I have a DD who will be three and a half when this baby arrives. We are having a RCS for high risk complications. I have no idea how to handle the childcare situation for DD.

I will need someone to take her during the surgery and recovery period, and I would seriously prefer for MIL to take her during the procedure and while I'm in recovery and bring her to visit when I get to the Maternal/Child unit. And then, I would prefer for my mother to take her and keep her at home (as we will likely be living with them when I have this baby). I also want my DD to meet her baby brother or sister before the grandparents and other family and friends. I feel VERY strongly about this because I feel like SHE needs to understand that she is a very important part of our family. I need my husband to stay overnights with me because I know from my DD's delivery via emergency C-section the recovery for me is horrible. I will need extra help as I couldn't even walk on my own for a few days, couldn't get on/off the toilet by myself, and was so drugged up that I had fallen asleep with her on my chest and he had to move her back to the bassinet. I can't put DD with a sitter because she's never been with one in her life. She has major stranger anxiety (gets it from me, honestly) and with everything else that's going on I can't do that to her. She needs to be with family because I do not want her to feel like we are replacing her with the new baby.

Here's the problem:

1) MIL will likely pitch a fit if we ask her to keep DD until we are out of recovery and in MCU. She's going to want to be there and I don't want DD sitting in a waiting room for several hours. She's seen enough of hospitals as DH has been hospitalized several times this last year, and she's not a big fan of waiting around. She ran through the halls last time and MIL and SIL flipped that they had to chase her because I'm not allowed to lift her. Once she bolted from the room and no one would help me catch her so I ended up having to do it and carry her back to the room and had a spotting episode later that day (I have complete previa).

2) My mother has made it clear that, in her opinion, my husband needs to stay home with DD and leave me and the baby alone at the hospital. She wouldn't babysit while DH was hospitalized last time even though we were dealing with an emergency. She doesn't particularly seem to give a crap that I am going to need him there because I am physically a mess. (For the record, I know many women have no problem walking around several hours post-op on their own. I am a 344 lb woman, very much morbidly obese. I am physically way out of shape as is, and with the restrictions I am dealing with from pregnancy complications it's bound to get worse by delivery. I know what I am capable of.)

3) No one respected my wishes about who could visit, when, after DD arrived. I told people I wanted NO visitors in recovery, and people threw b!tchfits and came back anyway. They got irritated that I didn't always want visitors in MCU, and they honestly felt like they were entitled to see me, whether I felt up to it or not. And they all followed DH to the nursery to see the baby while she was being checked out, even though I asked for everyone to wait. I REALLY want my DD to meet/see her new sibling before the rest, and I have a bad feeling that they are all going to blow off what I want and do what they want to do anyway.

Any suggestions? I am seriously starting to freak out about this because I don't know how to handle this situation, and I am worried because I have a higher risk for PTL and having a preemie. I feel like I need to figure everything out all at once, and no one is going to be supportive (except DH who is completely with me on all of this.) I'm panicking at this point that I'm going to have no one to watch my little girl while I'm recovering from major surgery and stress is BAD for me right now. Am I overreacting? WWYD?

jutimala

This is what I did when I had DS....

DD stayed with my mother the night before, because I had an early c/s time. She brought her to the hospital when they woke up and got ready and I think I was still in recovery but I did not care. They stayed for a while then my mother took DD while I got some rest and DH spent some time with the baby. DH went and got DD later in the afternoon and they spent the rest of the day together doing fun things. He stayed home with her both nights I was in the hospital. She did come to the hospital some to see DS and DH did drop her off to my mother for a little while so he could see the baby but for the most part she was with him. We will do the same thing next week when we have baby #3.

I am going to try to answer your questions in order.

1) Can your mother watch her instead of your MIL? Will she respect that your DD shouldn't be sitting in the waiting room. Also, if they know what time your surgery is and how long you will be in recovery then why would they come up there only to be sitting in the waiting room?

2) I would suggest that you may have to depend more on the nurses to help you in the hospital, than your DH. I know you would prefer him be there but you can't make anyone watch your daughter. The two main reasons that my DH stayed home with our DD was because I didn't want to get her out of her routine too much and I didn't want to have to depend on others to watch her. 

I will also say that there is a HUGE difference in my recovery after labor and my recovery after my planned c/section so it may not be as bad as you are thinking. But really, press the call button if you need anything, that is why there are nurses there 24/7, to help you. I am sure you are not the first plus size woman to have a baby there.

3) Let the nurses know exactly how you feel and how you want everything to be handled. It is their job to make you happy and accommodate you, in this instance.  I know the nurses in my hospital will not let anyone in until we say it is ok. I honestly would make sure that your DH fully understands how important this is to you also so that he can reiterate your feelings to both of your families. 

I don't know if any of this helped you but Good Luck! 

Chargersgrl33

If family won't respect your wishes you may need to get DD aquainted with someone new to watch her. 

As for in the hospital, if DH just hangs out during the day, the nurses can help you at night.  That's how we will do things (we don't have family anywhere near us as we are Military delivering in a different country).

I'm so sorry you are going through so much with this pregnancy, it sounds like you have a lot on your plate. 

MyLittleSweetPea

Ugh sorry you are having so much anxiety about that!

Just an FYI... I would say my recovery from my planned csection with DS1 was typical and I needed a lot of help the first few days. I just had an emergency csection with DS2 and surprisingly my recovery has been wonderful. I was up and moving well within the first day. Now that I've been home I'm almost back to normal. I can even help DS1 on and off his training potty. I have since heard several people saw they recovered easier with repeat sections. Probably better to plan for the "worse" but hopefully you'll be pleasantly surprised like I was!

AlwaysForgetful

We had a similar situation with my Eldest (autistic) running off and I could not get  up at that point... No one went to help DH (Physical disability) chase him down. Yeah...

I have a different problem. I have no MIL (she passed away before I met DH) and no family that could handle all my kids or they do not believe in Autism and make #1 worse when they care for him (My mother). We had 2 choices, split all the kids up (could cause major anxiety with #1 and my daughter who does not like other people)  or I had a friend offer to come to our house. I just need to drive 3 hours each way the day before Csection to go get her... The kids see her a few times a year and I am sure there will be some anxiety, but well, the choice is DH there or him  not being there.

Honestly, you know she is probablly picking up on your anxiety and that is why "she gets it from" you. I suggest you start to send her to a sitters or to a friends for short periods of time and work it up from there. Clearly MIL is not going to help. So I would just stop thinking that she will. It will just cause more stress. That being said,  Ask a friend (or friends) to take turns taking your daughter or send her to a sitter. Find one you like. That really sounds like the only way you will be able to have DH with you. Then send your DH home at night or for a few hours here and there so a sitter is not so expensive.

The nurses can help you. I know what you are talking about when you say it is hard to get up. I am about 100lbs over weight (use to be a lot more) and it is hard! My issue? DH cannot help me get up even when he is there. So the nurses have to be buzzed to come and help. Yes, they see you in some very personal situations, but that is part of their job and most are very nice. LET THEM HELP YOU.

One thing I found out about 2 kids ago is a post partem support belt. My hospital supplies them if you ask. So call and see if yours does. If not, then buy one ASAP online (amazon has them). That was a life saver and you use it while you are in the hospital and for at least 2 weeks after. It will help put less pressure on your incision and hold things still when you go to sit up and what not. Trust me, I really believe it is a must for us plus sized Csection gals.

As far as visitors, Our first day is kids and grandparents only. Let the nurses know your wishes. With every shift change (12 hours) let them know. Make a sign even if you want for your door saying no visitors and have DH be the only one allowed to bring people into your room. And once again, let the nurses know. They will run interference and keep people out. You just need to stress it to them. Also have your DH step up and if people follow him or something, he needs to tell them no and then let a nurse know so they can be stopped.

My recovery was easier with each Csection except the last. I was on my own and standing up and sitting a lot more often. I think that is why it hurt more (besides spinal headaches). Because I was going up and down a lot. Either way, like I said, get that pp belt.

It sounds like things will not go your way, so you need to adjust to make it go as much of your way as you can. This means pushing you out of your comfort zone with someone watching your daughter and accepting help from nurses.