Having doubts and fears..

bellanella3

Hi all!

It's nice coming from theknot.com to thebump.com! We were married June 22, 2013 and we have babies on the brain! My husband will be 37 this December and I will be 30 in November. While we would love to hold off and enjoy married life for a few years, we also do not want to wait for a variety of reasons (age, siblings have young children, our parents are getting older, etc).

The past few months, I couldnt wait until we were married and I could get off the pill. Now that I am off, I'm starting to worry. My brother has identical twin girls that are 14 months. They are the cutest babies and we love them to death. However, it seems that everytime I babysit or am with them for long periods of time, I start questioning if this is what I want? The life change, the "me time" totally gone, the stress it could place on our marriage, or the time it takes away from us. I worry if i can handle it all. I am a good aunt, and i think I'll be a good mom, but I'm scared of everything that comes with it. I know all the moms i talk to say it will be tough, it will be hard but at the end of it all, it was the best choice i made. So maybe when the time comes, you just learn to go with it? Or is the way I feel a sign I shouldnt be a parent? My husband is on board and wants a family but he even feels the way i do at times, moreso about the impact it will have on us. Any advice or suggestions?! Thanks!!

dragonfly711

So hard. Personal choice but you just got married so you could wait a year and enjoy your honeymoon stage of the wedding marriage and try next year. Might give you more time to think about what you want.

So tough I am 39 and so want a baby that knowing I will have less time on my hands I don't even think of. All I know is I so want to be a mom especially after my loss a few months ago. My wanting is even stronger.

It is so hard to know what you should do. Personal opinion.

Not sure if I helped you or not.

trackspaz

I was in the same boat as you and felt that same way a few years ago, but as I hit my early 30's, literally the biological clock alarm went off and those feelings flew out the window not that hubby and I still don't love taking advantage of the things that "me time" allows us..such as sleeping in, and we do every chance we can : It's okay and perfectly natural to feel the want to have "me time." And if that's your feeling at this moment, you need to indulge that for as long as you need. Don't ignore it or rush to start TTC for the sake of other reasons other than you are both completely ready and sure you want to. It will only put added pressure and stress on the situation and that can sometimes make it harder to conceive! Whatever y'all decide, it will be the best decision for you and no matter what just enjoy each other fully, just the two of you!! :

trackspaz

I should add to my post that we are currently TTC 1 so obviously the sleeping in part we enjoy to the fullest knowing that will be a rarity, hopefully soon!! :

kellyjernigan

Enjoy being married.....you are only 30 and barely out of your honeymoon stage!!! 

 

When babies arrive, they are a complete and total blessing but they tend to rule the roost for a long period of time. 

tbmadeamistake

I felt that way before I had my daughter, and I still feel that way sometimes now.  It's totally normal and healthy and want your "me time" and to worry about how having a baby will affect your entire life. It means you're thinking clearly and are aware of what a big responsibility they are.  DH and I manage to even out a nice balance of each getting our "me time" and of helping each other out. DD is 14 months and we still hit the occasional bump in the road where one of feels like the other isn't helping enough, or suddenly she becomes more work (teething, for example, makes her super clingy).  However, we talked about it before she arrived, we know that we are our own people as well as being parents, and we were prepared for giving each other the time needed to be our own people on top of being mom and dad.  So far, so good! 

I think if you and your husband can sit down and really talk about it, you'll do great!  First few months are definitely the hardest, but it does get easier

WolFox

Although I a couple years younger, I mentally went through the same thing. I hated kids for so long, but once I was with my husband, the thought of having children was suddenly warm and fuzzy and lovely. It took me a few years to work on myself and make sure that it's what I really wanted. All of those thoughts, doubts and worries are completely legitimate. Being emotionally on the other side of that battle now, I have to say that you should take your time and be 100% before you start. It seems like a lot of your reasons to have kids now have to do with other people and not how ready you and your husband actually are. 

We will TTC next spring but I know I'm ready because I took the time to be okay with those sacrifices. I know I will have to work extra hard to make special time for myself and my relationship, that I will have to look for signs of my marriage slipping etc. etc. 

It just got to the point where I knew that I would regret not having children. That knowledge is stronger than the urge to have more lazy movie nights and late dates out. But it's still going to be tough as hell and a sacrifice. So I'm enjoying things as much as I can now. Parenting seems like it's going to be the toughest job in the world. If you can, start when you absolutely know that you're ready so you don't end up resenting your timing. 

oneblessedmess

Welcome! I'm also a June 2013 bride, migrated over from The Knot! We are thinking to wait until 2015 to start trying. We will see. :-)

Your concerns are very valid and have nothing to do with what kind of parent you will end up being. It's natural to be worried about the "me time", especially as newlyweds. Once you've settled in, and you're really ready, that urge to be a mommy will overpower the desire for "me time".

amberinco

Doubting, IMO, is normal. It's a huge change.

I was married when I was 18. Almost a year later I was pregnant. Being 19 and pregnant was not what I had envisioned. But, I had my son 9 months later. I held him and knew my life was forever different.

At first I had a lot of resentment issues. I can be honest. I loved him but was mad at him. Now, I love him more than life itself and I can't imagine my life without him.

So while I say doubts are normal, think about how you see your life. Your life is no longer your life-it's a life that will have to be shared with spawn that demand things even when you don't want to give them. If you're not ready yet, then you're not ready yet-and that's okay! 

It's more important to be ready than to be going into this selfishly....