Vent

jjbh1209

I have two SDs that are 2 and 11.  My DH has no rules or consequences for the 11 year old she can do absolutely no wrong.  The 2 year old has rules and consequences and is put in "time out" for doing things she is not supposed to. The 11 year old will stay out without checking in to tell us where she is going.  She will back talk, not listen, pretend she is not listening or just bat her eyes at DH and never is there a consequence.  It is seriously stressing me out that he treats both SDs so different. 

DH wants me to overlook everything the 11 year old does but then turn around and reprimand the 2 year old.   (Back story is the 11 year old was an only child and then by a one night stand SD #2 came along not planned nor wanted but she is here and wonderful so he needs to get over it)  

SD1 is supposed to be in bed on week nights by 11:00pm and 12:00 pm on weekends which I feel is ridiculously too late, but before I was in the picture DH let her stay up until whenever she fell asleep.  She will make up every excuse in the book not to make it into her bed by then. From a stomach ache to a head ache to all of a sudden she is scared of our house, to let the dog out of her room, to call the dog into her room to use the restroom more in an hour than she does all day.  SD2 still takes one long nap in the afternoon so depending on when we put her down for that is dependent upon what time she goes down at night 9:30ish being the latest unless we are out somewhere.  As soon as the clock strikes 8:30 SD1 is hounding us to put her to bed already and what are we doing and why isnt SD 2 in bed.  

 He babies the crap out of SD1.  She is spoiled rotten and literally gets everything and anything she wants.  I can not take her mouth and her deliberately doing things to piss me off and her knowing that DH is not going to do a damn thing about it.  Anytime I bring up her behavior or the fact that she is never in bed when she is supposed to or the fact that we have to ask her 10 times to do something with a fight or an excuse why she can't every time, DH and I end up fighting.  Since November of last year every time SD1 is at our house there ends up being a fight.  BM agrees that her behavior and attitude need to be corrected but DH keeps letting her go do whatever she wants. Side note I didnt not go to BM complaining about this we were in "counseling" as a family together for three months (which made SD1's attitude even worse)  

I can not take it anymore. Its stressing me out. I told him last night I was over it and I will not bring our new baby (due in Dec) into a 3-4 day a week environment that everyone is walking on eggshells and fighting with each other because of an 11 year olds behavior.  Everyone sees that SD1's attitude is an issue and that DH babies her.  He is the only one that wont admit it.  

 Ah sorry to vent and I know its all over the place but I seriously do not know what to do anymore. . .  

SimpleJane

I'm assuming he has always treated SD this way? Like before you were married and before you got pregnant? You still chose to marry him and have his baby despite that?

You need to do some serious soul searching because this is not something that is easily changed. What if he refuses to change? Or tries but reverts back to old behavior? Are you willing to raise a child in that environment? What lengths are you willing to go to try and fix the problems? Counciling is your best bet here but don't be surprised if he isn't willing to change his parenting.

fellesferie

You shouldn't throw out threats if you aren't willing to follow through. So if you aren't going to bring a new baby into this environment, what is your plan?

If you are firm on this (and I think you should be), you need to set some clear expectations. SD's behavior isn't going to change overnight, so what do you want from YH? What does he need to do to show you that he will step up?

Him treating his two kids obviously differently is worrisome. I think that's a bigger deal than him spoiling his eldest. I feel like I'm always pulling the therapy card on this board, but.... therapy. He needs it. He can't hold a 2-yo responsible for his one-night stand. 

Ginlyn0

A few things that stuck out to me.  A 2 yo and an 11 yo cannot be treated "the same" period so get that thought out of your head and you can't even compare the two. This is partially a DH problem and also an age issue. I don't see that big of a deal with the 11yo being allowed up until 12am on weekends perhaps the weekday should be slightly adjusted. My DD has a 10pm bedtime during weeknights (SD has same at her house) and my 2 SSs go to bed at 9pm. On weekends, DD & SD are allowed up as long as they want unless we have somewhere to be early in the morning so basically they stay up and have a "slumber party" type thing on Fridays and go to sleep at 12am on Saturday nights when we have chruch the next morning. My SSs go to bed at 10pm weekends but the older one (about to be 11) has a prescription med he takes in the evening that makes him tired so he can't stay up later.

A lot of the behavior you describe with your SD is common at that age and you all do need to nip that in the bud because this is an age where boundaries are frequently tested.The not telling you where she is though, oh, h3ll no. That is completely unsafe and she should not be allowed out of the house to roam and do whatever she wants. Someone just killed a little girl a few miles from my house in a very "safe" community who was out alone. So yeah, does your DH want that riding on his shoulders? You two need a huge sit down over this. Though remember, you chose to procreate with this, already knowing this so it's possible nothing is going to change. 11 years of lack of parenting doesn't change overnight.

dmndsr4eva

This is a DH problem.  Which sounds like you realize now.  As others pointed out this is something you probably should have gotten to the bottom of prior to marriage and pregnancy. 

He is clearly feeling guilty for some reason and that is why he won't discipline her.  I hate to tell you but if you don't work this out it is only going to get worse.  It will get worse because she will become a teenager and it will get worse with the birth of her new half sibling.  I've been there.  It will get worse.

The only advice I can give is you need to sit down with your H and determine what rules are most important.  And both promise to stick to it. 

In the end my ex and I broke up because he let his teenage girls and his niece walk all over me and he made it very clear that they were #1 in his life and he was not going to discipline them at all.  The first summer that my son was born his daughters did not come to visit him for 3 months clearly because they were jealous of the baby.

smrunnels

I went through a similar situation. Finally after a few huge arguments that almost ended our relationship he figured it out. Plus, his parents were on my side about it too. You need to point out to him that he is treating them different. It will cause a huge arguement but if it doesn't stop you will never be happy in your relationship.

nattyncbride

You say you are in family therapy; this is a great place to discuss these things with DH (and even BM, you might find an unlikely ally in all of this).  What is happening in therapy?  I am curious.  I am sorry I have no good advice, but it sounds like these ladies do.  

I will say I think each family does things differently, and it depends on the child (if they sleep in or the types to get up at the same time each morning) but I am of the same mind that 11pm/12am is too late for SD1 at her age.  Kids need sleep and adults need alone time. I do see in other households that this can work out, but obviously in yours it does not.

Good luck, this is a great place to post, you have gotten/will get good advice! 

Littlejen22

Why are you having a kid with someone that from your words does not seem to want his second kid and has no rules for the first? You will be one bitter woman when he is strict with your child and not his first princess.