Do you have to be selfless to be a mother?

Cheallaigh

So, I wrote the title of this post and at least 3 paragraphs (which I've deleted) before I realized that I never got to my flipping point.  Is it an obligation, a requirement, an undeniable truth, that you must be selfless to be a good mother?

I'm going through a really hard time and sought Googled for help.  One of the woman who asked for help was given a condemnation that she should have realized BEFORE choosing to be a mother that she had to be SELFLESS to be a good mother. 

I've been a member of this board and its predecesors since 2002.  I don't want to divulge too much, but I wont hold back if there are questions.  I just truly want to know if others think that you can't be considered a "good" mother if you aren't completely selfless.  Because, I'll be the first to say that I AM NOT selfless.  I love my children, but I value and need my time alone.  I am I wrong?

RondackHiker

Part of being a good mom is taking care of yourself so you're able to care for your kids. That includes emotionally, physically, and whatever other needs you have. Within reason, I'd side eye a mom who puts eight hours of tv on so she can spend the day working out.

I have trouble believing someone was flamed for admitting she wasn't selfless. In some ways you have to be selfless. Kids needs come before your needs. But you don't need to be fully selfless. Your needs and wants are important as well. I kind of wonder if it is what the other mom was admitting to doing that was being flammed. Was she ignoring the screams of her three week old while she did a three hour workout?

As for your alone time, that's important. Do you have the support of a partner? How much alone time are we talking? I bet you can get at least some. Depending on kid's ages and the support you have, daily may be tricky, unless you can count vegging solo with a book after bedtime.

Maebb

RondackHiker:

Part of being a good mom is taking care of yourself so you're able to care for your kids. That includes emotionally, physically, and whatever other needs you have. Within reason, I'd side eye a mom who puts eight hours of tv on so she can spend the day working out.

I have trouble believing someone was flamed for admitting she wasn't selfless. In some ways you have to be selfless. Kids needs come before your needs. But you don't need to be fully selfless. Your needs and wants are important as well. I kind of wonder if it is what the other mom was admitting to doing that was being flammed. Was she ignoring the screams of her three week old while she did a three hour workout?

As for your alone time, that's important. Do you have the support of a partner? How much alone time are we talking? I bet you can get at least some. Depending on kid's ages and the support you have, daily may be tricky, unless you can count vegging solo with a book after bedtime.

WSS. This is a really good answer. I only have a 7 month old, so I am in no way an expert, but I do think I've had to compromise a bit on my selfishness. Sometimes I don't really want to get up 4 times during the night, I don't want to drink responsibly, I don't want to pass up a good time with friends or coworkers, but I do it sometimes because my top priority right now is taking care of DS. He is depending on me.

That being said, I've heard the analogy that you are a cup. If your pour yourself out to others or your kids all the time, that's great. It's good to be selfless and help people. But at some point, if you never give yourself a chance to get cleaned up, get polished, get refilled, then you're just going to be a dirty, empty, broken cup, and that's no good for anyone. So at some point, you need to focus on you and your own needs so that you'll be at your best to be a mom to your kids. Hopefully that makes sense. So I do think that being a mother involves some amount of selflessness, but you'll turn yourself into a ragged, tired, emotionally raw mess if you can't get some alone time to rest and refill every once in a while.

LoveActually4

I am currently struggling with this.

My mom was a martyr. She gave up everything for us but complained frequently. When I married my H and had 2 stepchildren, I gave up a lot for their happiness including entering a career with better hours that I hate. No one ever asked me to do this, I just thought it is what people "did".

After having 2 kids I hit rock bottom. I had no idea who I was. My identity was my family and I resented them for it even though no one asked me to give up everything. With the support of my husband, I'm starting to go out more with my friends. I've started running again. I've started training to do something I'm passionate about. I feel like the more time I spend away from family duties, the more I am recognizing myself again.

Sorry for the book but this one hits close to home.

kcisthebombdotcom

To a great degree you do. Raising kids is mostly a selfless endeavor. Your whole life gets changed when you become a parent and their basic needs come first. It's a 24 hour a day, 7 day a week job that can be physically, mentally and emotionally taxing at times. 

With that being said no one wins when you martyr yourself at the cost of personal happiness. I don't think it's necessarily selfish when you spend time away from your children because they benefit from that separation too. I don't think it's selfish to work even if you don't financially need to if you find fulfillment in working because your kids are benefitting too. I think the things some people define as "selfish" aren't really selfish at all.

LadyXaverian

Scout2005:

You can't be selfish, but that's not the same as being selfless. My needs matter. They may get delayed at times because my children are helpless to meet their own needs and it's on me to fulfill them. But it's ok to admit that I need things too. It's ok for me to insist on getting a hot meal instead of only seeing to the kids meals, or a hot shower while the kids whine a little bit in their rooms. It's ok to sleep train at the right age because I need sleep to function. It's ok to leave kids with a sitter so I can have adult time with my husband on a regular basis. And to take trips just the two of us. I both love and like my H, and investing in our marriage outside of our kids makes me happy. I am entitled to that. It's ok to go to Starbucks by myself sometimes because I just need my own thoughts and some quiet time. It's ok to work outside the home if I want, even if its not financially necessary, because I like my job and get satisfaction from it. That's not my personal reality, but I TOTALLY understand why some people WANT to work. My kids are my world, and they get the bulk of my time, attention and finances. But I'm not a martyr, and this is my life too. I'm not going to live only for them. I don't think that is a requirement to be a mother, or even a healthy model for them to see.

I couldn't say it better than this.

 

wesleycrusher

Kimbus22:

Pretty sure being completely selfless makes you a good martyr, not a good mother.

I agree with this- quick and to the point. 

Reagan1010

Scout2005:

You can't be selfish, but that's not the same as being selfless.

My needs matter. They may get delayed at times because my children are helpless to meet their own needs and it's on me to fulfill them.

But it's ok to admit that I need things too. It's ok for me to insist on getting a hot meal instead of only seeing to the kids meals, or a hot shower while the kids whine a little bit in their rooms.

It's ok to sleep train at the right age because I need sleep to function.

It's ok to leave kids with a sitter so I can have adult time with my husband on a regular basis. And to take trips just the two of us. I both love and like my H, and investing in our marriage outside of our kids makes me happy. I am entitled to that.

It's ok to go to Starbucks by myself sometimes because I just need my own thoughts and some quiet time.

It's ok to work outside the home if I want, even if its not financially necessary, because I like my job and get satisfaction from it. That's not my personal reality, but I TOTALLY understand why some people WANT to work.

My kids are my world, and they get the bulk of my time, attention and finances. But I'm not a martyr, and this is my life too. I'm not going to live only for them. I don't think that is a requirement to be a mother, or even a healthy model for them to see.

This!

Also, DH and I have been getting sitters more frequently lately...like once every weekend. Our relationship has gotten so much better over the last few months making us both happier in turn making us even better parents. Is it selfish to want that alone time? I don't believe so! We do plenty of family activities together and DS loves his sitter!!

klondikebar

Spooko:

I don't think you have to be selfless, but I do think you can't be selfish.

This. It's all about a good balance.

Kitiara5512

Kimbus22:

Pretty sure being completely selfless makes you a good martyr, not a good mother.

QFT

BluepointToasted

What scout said.

zeptattoo

I don't think it requires you to be selfless because IMO that is pretty extreme.  It does however, require some ability to balance your needs and the needs of others.

[Deleted User]

The user and all related content has been deleted.

[Deleted User]

The user and all related content has been deleted.