Anyone fostering and practicing AP? Long shot I know.

PastaFanatic2012

I have an eleven month old, likely will be at least 18 months old before we receive a placement. We are just beginning the foster care process and are planning on fostering an older female children.

I am committed to making attachment/gentle parenting work for our new child but am concerned about how a child who, very likely, wasn't raised that way will react to it? We are also trying to be 'yes' parents, saying yes whenever we can. I am concerned a foster child might mistake that for permissive parenting. Needless to say there are many thoughts and the agencies seem likely to reinforce mainstream parenting. 

 

Basically just wondering if anyone has any thoughts on this, thanks! 

Emerald27

I think that you should parent in the way you're most comfortable, and that elicits the best response from your foster child. Just as children learn differently and different things make them feel loved, children respond to discipline uniquely as well.

As long as you're respecting your foster child's needs, being gentle, consistent, and attentive, the specifics of your discipline "style" will work themselves out and adjust to the needs of the household.

Even if she is adopted by someone with entirely different views on discipline, she will adjust ok. Children understand that different people have different expectations for them.

As for the agency's expectations, I'm not sure what you'll have to agree to. Maybe ask on the adoption board? I imagine that if your discipline method yields a happy, balanced and respectful child, they'll be satisfied...

KateLouise

I'm in NZ so our system may be different, but my friend is fostering a 9yr old boy. Her and her husband are firm in their expectations but gentle in their discipline. (athough they do do time out which I know isn't for everyone in the AP community)

I'm not going to lie it's been tough for them. The boy has come from a background of inconsistent parenting. It was largely permissive parenting (Mum would go out drinking while the boy wandered the streets smoking) but also involved some authoritarian parenting.

What they've found most challenging is that they've had to go through the same explanations and the same boundary setting over and over again, as the boy has pushed and pushed (I think this is because he used to an inconsistent parent who will give in or stop caring eventually)

Also this boy has a lot of behaviours that are like my 3 yr old. My sister, who was worked in child placement, said to me that wherever a child is emotionally then that is what you have to work with. You have to build those blocks of attachment, bonding, security, independence, faith in you as a consistent parent. If you try and leap over something and say, "But he's 9, he should know how to x y and z" then you're not giving him a strong foundation.

So that's what I've learnt from observing someone else up close. It seems to me that firm but gentle will get you there, but you will need absolute consistency as you work to undo years of a different kind of parenting.

Good luck. I think people who foster are amazing. 

thefuturemrschase

ClaryPax:

I would guess and could very well be wrong that a foster child may have experienced authoritarian or permissive parenting. You want to hit that middle ground of authoritative parenting where you are not yelling and screaming or letting the child do whatever they want and be disrespectful. You want to provide love and guidance and very clear boundaries. Just because you want to say yes most of the time does not mean you can't draw very firm boundaries on the bigger no items. Kids will actually feel better with boundaries because really they are too young to be in control they need an advocate to stand up and say this is what is best for you and I care enough for you to enforce it. Things like being healthy, respectful, sleep etc are important things that come to mind.

 

I completely agree.   

PastaFanatic2012

ClaryPax:

I would guess and could very well be wrong that a foster child may have experienced authoritarian or permissive parenting. You want to hit that middle ground of authoritative parenting where you are not yelling and screaming or letting the child do whatever they want and be disrespectful. You want to provide love and guidance and very clear boundaries. Just because you want to say yes most of the time does not mean you can't draw very firm boundaries on the bigger no items. Kids will actually feel better with boundaries because really they are too young to be in control they need an advocate to stand up and say this is what is best for you and I care enough for you to enforce it. Things like being healthy, respectful, sleep etc are important things that come to mind.

 

i would agree on those being the two types of parenting most likely experienced by foster kids.

thank you for your thoughts! 

PastaFanatic2012

KateLouise:

I'm in NZ so our system may be different, but my friend is fostering a 9yr old boy. Her and her husband are firm in their expectations but gentle in their discipline. (athough they do do time out which I know isn't for everyone in the AP community)

I'm not going to lie it's been tough for them. The boy has come from a background of inconsistent parenting. It was largely permissive parenting (Mum would go out drinking while the boy wandered the streets smoking) but also involved some authoritarian parenting.

What they've found most challenging is that they've had to go through the same explanations and the same boundary setting over and over again, as the boy has pushed and pushed (I think this is because he used to an inconsistent parent who will give in or stop caring eventually)

Also this boy has a lot of behaviours that are like my 3 yr old. My sister, who was worked in child placement, said to me that wherever a child is emotionally then that is what you have to work with. You have to build those blocks of attachment, bonding, security, independence, faith in you as a consistent parent. If you try and leap over something and say, "But he's 9, he should know how to x y and z" then you're not giving him a strong foundation.

So that's what I've learnt from observing someone else up close. It seems to me that firm but gentle will get you there, but you will need absolute consistency as you work to undo years of a different kind of parenting.

Good luck. I think people who foster are amazing. 

thAnk you for sharing your friends experience. Especially the part About meeting the child where they are, that will be key I agree.

 

thank you everyone!