Needing Advice siggy Warning

strlitemiss

Someone from my bmb suggested you ladies might be able to help me.

I would also like to warn people I might have a siggy I'm on mobile so I have no idea of it's content





WARNING : THIS IS TOUGH SUBJECT MATTER


I received news this morning that my friends baby passed last night.She almost a month old although baby was a 35 weeker when she was born and only spent 3 days in the nicu, my friend had mentioned she was uncomfortable taking such a tiny baby home, but baby was a thriving beautiful girl . As much as I want to rush to my friends side and be there as she's a single mom, I'm hesitaten because I feel so bad I'm still pregnant and have a healthy baby honestly I've never dealt with this and I'm so unsure where to go from here. Sorry this isn't edited I'm upset and just need advice.

PerkyErky

I am very sorry for your friend's loss. It might be extremely difficult for her to be around you because you're pregnant. I recommend calling, emailing, texting whatever is normal communication between you two and let her know you are there for her. I had friends do a meal thing for me for two weeks after the loss of our daughter. It was nice to not have to think about food. Setting up something like that for her can be very helpful. Even offering to go grocery shopping. A heartfelt note can go a long way too.

Personally I hated getting flowers because they all died shortly after. But we receive a nice flowering plant from my in laws that required minimal maintenance that we still have.

Most importantly letting her know you are there when she needs you. You may want to direct her to this board as well for support.

shandorfml2

mrsgerman:

Hi, I remember you from my BMB.  

There is a list at the top of this forum that will tell you a lot about the best things to do to help and what others felt were the worst, I definitely recommend reading that. I think at first the best thing to do is offer support from afar. Maybe text, email or send a gift just letting her know you are there for her for anything she needs and continue to offer that support (keep texting or e-mailing even if theres no response) until you think she will be OK with being around you. Offer to help, ask her if she needs you to run errands for her or to get groceries, ask her if she needs you to do her laundry or just some work around the house. The best thing at first is to be specific, she will be too distraught to be able to ask or even recognize what she needs. Ask her if she wants you to visit but that you understand if she needs her privacy. She will probably say no over and over again and may be very distant from you but you need to realize it's nothing personal. Some days I was ok with being around others and other days I wanted no one but my husband. There will come a time when she will feel strong enough to be around you and you should probably just be there for her and not let the temporary distance bother you. 

 I am almost 2 months from my loss and I am still currently very bothered by pregnant women. I think this will continue for me until my due date in September passes. Only because its a reminder to me of what I should still have that I don't. Your friend was very close to the end of her pregnancy so other pregnant women may not bother her. Honestly I have no idea how she will feel, none of us knew how to react or what emotions we felt were right when we had our losses and we all grieved similarly but yet differently, what works for one person isn't the same for another. 

I can tell you that down the road the best support will be what you can offer her months out from now. A lot of people will move on from her loss within the next month or two and she will end up feeling very alone. The best thing you can do for her is to still offer a ton of support 3, 6, 9, 18 months down the road and even acknowledge the baby on her birthday next year.  Not a single one of us on this board want our babies forgotten and I can tell you that your friend will feel the same. 

all of this. Very good advice!

strlitemiss

First off thank you for finding the strength to help others from your losses. While I will hopefully never understand what she's going through, I feel like I have a better understanding on how I can proceed as a support person.

Dixon813

I am so sorry for your friend's loss.  And I'm sorry for your loss - I'm sure as close friends, you were looking forward to having children grow up together. 

I found it most helpful when people didn't say "if there's anything I can do, just let me know".  Because I didn't (and sometimes still don't) know what I need.  Instead, simply do it.  Bring over dinner or groceries.  A friend sent me an Willow tree "Angel of Hope".  You know your friend, just don't wait for her to tell her what she needs, because she doesn't know.  So do what you can, knowing that she probably won't tell you.  (And if you're afraid that she won't want to see you, drop off stuff at the door or have someone else do it with a note from you)

To reiterate a PP, be there.  Continue texting, emailing, calling just to check in and let her know that you're thinking about her all the time.  I'm 2 months out of my loss, and only a couple close friends continue to check on me...