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Working Moms
SparkySharky
member
One part daycare issue, 3 parts in-law issue (and long, but divided into small paragraphs!)
SparkySharky
member
in Working Moms
This is probably not the right place to put this, but I need to vent somewhere. My MIL provides childcare two days a week. She is far from reliable and has some really archaic (but harmless) methods of childcare, but she's wonderful and our DS loves her to pieces. She drives about 45 miles to our place to watch him and stays overnight. We pay a little bit more than the cost of her gas.
My SIL and I had babies pretty close together. We live 15 miles apart. Originally MIL had plans to move up here and watch both of our kids, but it didn't happen. Some shenanigans ensued involving my SIL's wildly outrageous expectations, ultimately resulting in MIL only watching our DS.
Flash forward to this week: SIL wants MIL to watch her DD for a week in August. Apparently this meant we were just supposed to find alternate childcare at our expense. But I played dumb to that suggestion and said, "Oh. Well, you can still watch the 2 of them, right?" MIL reluctantly said yes. Then I said, "Is SIL going to be ok with you bringing DD over here?" She said no.
Reasons for no: my SIL has an irrational phobia of driving. She won't ride with anyone (except her H) and it's now translated into not allowing anyone to drive her DD around. She finds it perfectly acceptable to put my son on the road instead. So this is Reason #1 of Why This Sitch is Messed Up.
Reason #2 - you don't get to screw up someone's regular schedule as if you're entitled to your mom's time above all others.
Reason #3 - this is a hardship on my 60+ year old MIL. To watch them at SIL's place will require putting DD in the car. Getting DD out of the car and coming into my place (or us coming out with DS). Transferring both DD and DS from the car to SIL's home where there's no one to help. Then putting them both back in the car to drop DS off. Repeat for day #2. My MIL can't even lift my son while he's in his carseat. She has to take him out (i.e., she can't lift more than 20 lbs).
I am open to more Reasons, should any of you feel there's ground I haven't covered here. My DH is going to deal with it. This issue came during the earlier shenanigans (referenced in paragraph 2) and fortunately my MIL put her foot down. But I don't see her putting her foot down here.
If we can't resolve, we'll be out some extra cash to cover the 2 days she's gone; but I'm more worried about the precedent. It sucks not having reliable childcare and this is only one in a series of events where my MIL has been unavailable. One reason was very legit, but I don't want to add my SIL's vacation time to my list of events interrupting regular childcare.
I'm just p!ssed. I like having DS with fam 2 days of the 4 days a week that we have him in childcare, but it's looking like we need a more permanent solution if this doesn't get resolved.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: One part daycare issue, 3 parts in-law issue (and long, but divided into small paragraphs!)
I can kind of relate. MIL watches DD one day a week. She volunteered to watch her on Fridays from mid June to the end of August when she'll start going to DC full time. I have to stress that she VOLUNTEERED to do this so I could feel better about transitioning back to work, having DD be with family, etc.
She watched her once and then said how it was kind of difficult to her to come over, that she needed some flexibility, etc. We had already forfeited our Friday DC placement until September because she wanted to watch DD. So now DH and I are trading off on Fridays and having to take time off of work so MIL only has to come over every 3rd Friday.
Here's what I've come to realize, you usually can't rely on family. Just hire a nanny or enroll your child in daycare. I know if my mom was able to watch DD, it would be an entirely different story but MIL...oh she irritates me so much sometimes.
Well, you're already doing what I was going to say - your DH needs to talk to her.
And I think he needs to lay out the above- she is your regular daycare. you know she wants to help SIL, but when it's at your expense, it's not fair. She is committed to you all. If she doesn't want to be committed, that's fine- but then she needs to tell you all that and you'll need to find other regular daycare.
The fact that she isn't totally reliable and you've had other issues- I don't know how upset I'd be to actually really look for someone else.
I will say, though... unless you go w/ a center, ANY other daycare situation may pose the same issue. while this is to watch your SILs kids, when we had a nanny - the nanny would sometimes take vacation and we'd have to find alternate daycare.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
"It sucks not having reliable childcare"
- relible childcare is in the form of a daycare. If you aren't paying a family member you can't expect there never to be issues. Paying for gas doesn't really count.
Why can't you take your DS to your SIL's house. You explained in a paragraph the trouble your MIL has putting him in and out of the car seat, so avoid that and drop him off and pick him up at the end of the day.
Seems like your making this more of an issue than it really is. Is SIL your H's sister or his SIL as well? Just curious but either way not sure why you're so annoyed your SIL asked for 1 week of childcare for her DD. Doesn't seem unreasonable to me.
If your childcare provider is unreliable, and this causes problems for you, you should make other arrangements.
The fact that your care provider is your MIL, or that the cause of the issue is your SIL, is irrelevant. If this was a one-time thing, I'd let it slide, but since you say the lack of reliability is an ongoing problem, you probably need to look elsewhere for childcare.
I'm assuming there is a lot more backstory here, because I'm not getting the huge issue. Seems to me the easy solution is for you/H to drop off DS if MIL is going to watch both kids at SILs place. Or for SIL to drop of her child at your place. Have you talked with SIL about this or are you just assuming she expects MIL there?
If you have a sole caregiver, like MIL/nanny/etc then you will always run the risk of her getting sick, random events, vacations, etc that will leave you in need of finding backup care. Heck, there are times daycares close unexpectedly, for example around here most close on snow days.
I guess I'm not following what is so unreasonable about your SIL asking your MIL to watch her child for one week. I feel like more communication and less assumptions would be beneficial here.
I guess here are your options?
1. Have DH talk to SIL (his sister right?) and just say sorry you can't "have" MIL for those 2 days because she is our nanny and we don't have back up child care for those days and can't take them off work, etc.
2. Have DH talk to SIL and say hey no problem, but please bring your son to our house in the morning because MIL can't drive and take kids back and forth. I know she doesn't drive but that's her crazy phobia and she needs to deal with it.
3. Suck it up, tell MIL you don't mind as long as it's a ONE time thing since she is your "nanny" for those 2 days and you need her, and figure out alternative daycare for just those 2 days.
http://balletandbabies.blogspot.com
I'd be livid if a family member knew we relied on someone 2x a week and they just decided they could take her for a week without consulting with us first.
This. I had my mother watch dd for 3 weeks back in the fall. We got put into a bind bc the sitter we hired ended up being a total flake, so we fired her before she started. I was getting dd back with stains all over looking disheveled, not to mention the woman didn't even raise me my who life, volunteered to watch her, then went behind my back and told Dh she needd to be paid. Never again..that goes for extended family too. If the womean can't even lift 20,lbs, what is she going to do when your child is bigger?
My logical, rational self tells me this is the way to go, but the little voice in the back of my head is screaming, "This breaks the seal! You can be as reasonable as you'd like, but you'll be the only one (you know how they are) and this will open the door forrrrrreveeerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr......"
To clarify: we can't drop him off and pick him up. It'd be 3 hours each day (80-90 minutes roundtrip 2/day). And SIL is going to be out of town.
The reason SIL doesn't want to use her regular daycare or her H's family (of which there are 500 members in a 15 mile radius), is b/c DD recently had an allergic reaction and - even though she doesn't require any special treatment - SIL will feel more comfortable with MIL.
At the end of the day and consistent with some prior experiences, my SIL is willing to put everyone out to accommodate her preferences (not her needs) no matter the inconvenience to anyone else. She's willing to put my son on the road so her DD doesn't have to be. She's willing to make my MIL drive twice as far with twice the amount of lifting in order to have DD watched at her home. She's willing to have us pay for other childcare in order to avoid using her ample network of in-laws. My instincts tell me NOT to try to work with a person who appears to not have any limits on what she's willing to ask, but to just draw a clear line.
Did I mention that MIL has also let us know that she won't be watching DS later in August also, b/c she has to go with SIL to a wedding as SIL's childcare? We chalked this up to MIL's vacation, but now I'm p!ssed about this, too.
P.S. I disagree that I'm not entitled to rely on someone when they say they're going to do something - especially when it comes to childcare. If I wasn't doing what I said I was going to do in exchange - then yeah - they get an out, but so far so good.
If you were really paying her then you have a legit issue. But in this case, she can choose to volunteer her time however she wants to.
Added: why would the trip to your SILs take 80 minutes when you originally said she live 15 miles away? I'm confused. I can't see where you live. Is there crazy traffic?
I'm sort of the mindset that you can't really complain too much about volunteer/free childcare...and that effectively is what you are getting. Yeah, you pay for gas, but it doesn't really sound like your MIL is actually getting paid anything...so if she wants to do something else for a week (whether that is watch SIL's kid, go on vacation or whatever), that is her right.
I would probably just suck it up and find someone else to watch your LO for the two days that your MIL is going to be watching your SIL's kid instead of creating a bunch of drama. I guess the way I look it at is that I have to find alternative care when my nanny takes vacation so I don't really see where it is that big of a deal to find childcare for two days.
And I can somewhat see your SIL's point of view, too. I don't see where it would be crazy for her to think that her own Mother would watch her kid for one week out of an entire year when she does it for you and your DH on a regular basis. I also don't see where this one instance has to ruin the situation you have with your MIL.
2011: FSH 13.3 & E 99; AMH 0.54 2nd FSH 6.2 E 40's AFC: 8
BFP from Clomid/IUI ~ Pre-e and IUGR during pregnancy ~ DS born 9/4/12
Feb./March 2013: AMH less than 0.16 (undectable) and AFC = 4;
BFP from supps ~ DS#2 due May 2014
May 2014 January Siggy Challenge:
I know you probably don't feel like it (and I'm not trying to be harsh) but it seems like you are "using" your MIL for basically free childcare 2X a week and you are complaining because your SIL wants to "use" her mother for 1 week for vacation and then again for a wedding. Yes, it does sound like SIL is a bit bratty in her overall behavior, but on the other case, it also sounds like it's her turn to have MIL watch her child for a change.
It doesn't sound like MIL (or SIL) consider your arrangement with MIL as a formal daycare commitment which is why you are running into this issue (and I'm guessing the other availability issues that have come up). So you can either realize that MIL is going to be helping SIL out instead of you during these weeks and deal with these instances as they arise, or make real daycare arrangements (either paid w/ MIL or with another provider) moving forward.
Not trying to be snarky (I'm really not), but just to play devil's advocate - how is expecting that you volunteer MIL will turn down the chance to spend a week with her other grandchild (or ask her to drive all over the place) any different than what you are accusing your SIL of?
Instead of requiring your MIL to haul your kid here and there and go back-and-forth, it seems like the simple solution would be to simply pay for alternative child care for two days. Perhaps there is a neighbor who can watch your child or a local drop in daycare. Or you can try care dot com. Having a good back up care provider would probably be a good idea anyway for when your MIL goes to the wedding or in the event your MIL gets sick, has car trouble, etc.
Also, maybe your MIL wants to spend the week with her other grandchild. Perhaps SIL is asking her Mother to stay with her kid so your Mother can spend some quality time with him that she normally does not get. Your MIL is a volunteer and can do whatever she wants with her own time...whether that is take care of her other grandchild for a week or go to a wedding.
Again, not trying to be snarky as I don't know the entire situation and it may be that your SIL is a big b**ch, but just trying to point out that there may be other points of view you aren't considering or any easier way to resolve this and keep the peace with your extended family.
Edit: typo
2011: FSH 13.3 & E 99; AMH 0.54 2nd FSH 6.2 E 40's AFC: 8
BFP from Clomid/IUI ~ Pre-e and IUGR during pregnancy ~ DS born 9/4/12
Feb./March 2013: AMH less than 0.16 (undectable) and AFC = 4;
BFP from supps ~ DS#2 due May 2014
May 2014 January Siggy Challenge:
I totally understand your frustration. My ILs volunteered to watch DS one day a week, so we gave up his DC spot for that one day; but they always have one reason or another of why they can't do it or can't do it for a whole day, so DH and I have been rotating vacation days and/or taking half days to accomadate. I'm moving DS back into full-time DC but since we gave up our spot, it'll be November before we get that spot back.
I don't agree that just because it's free childcare, you shouldn't be able to rely on it. One should always honour one's commitments.
With that said, I can sort of see why your SIL is being very particular about who and where her daughter is being watched if your niece has allergies (I assume it's food allergies). DS recently had allergic reactions which sent him to the ER and after that, I'm now leary of just letting any relative watch him. Also, because I know that not everyone is as conscious about food allergies as we are (which I totally understand, I wasn't before either!), I also worry about having DS spend time at someone else's house where it might not be "allergy-proof". We still let DS go to other people's houses, but usually I'm there with him, epi-pen in hand. So I can see how if your niece has severe allergies, your SIL may feel more comfortable having her stay at her own house, given that your MIL's attention would be divided between the two little ones.
Guys, it's not voluntary or gratuitous. If it was I would see your point. But we had discussed extensively for months in advance what would work best for all of us. I arranged for a nontraditional work schedule in order to accommodate my MIL, my SIL, and what we could afford (b/c we would be paying her). I started working that schedule, but their end of the arrangement fell through. My MIL couldn't do what she wanted to do (i.e., move up here).
Since then we've been on cruise control trying to make it work until MIL can move up here. We're paying her everything we can, but b/c we have to pay for other daycare, it's not much. MIL is also not viewing this as gratuitous - she can't wait to wrap up her business and live off of babysitting money! But - it's like EastCoastBride said - she wants to be in too many places at one time and isn't willing to put her foot down on unreasonable requests.
Let's admit it - the real solution here is for MIL to bring DD to our place for two days. Trying to avoid doing that has 3 people and a baby doing backflips to accommodate. Really if it's so important to SIL that no one drive DD, then she needs to figure out how to best accommodate that on her own. Fortunately, I trust my husband to be able to make that clear in what will probably be a wonderful, cathartic screaming match.
Totally this. You relied to your detriment on something someone said they would do. It is actually binding in a court of law (even if not as a good as a contract), but not exactly the situation where someone is just giving you something for nothing.
2010: Infertility
October 2015: missed miscarriage #2 at 11 weeks (trisomy 22)
So would I.
SIL should have asked to you about it first. This just puts your MIL in the middle of an argument, which is kind of a crappy position.
This is true. Even a regular sitter who is not a relative will take and is entitled to time off. My sitter went to her home country for a month earlier this year. She hadn't been there in over two years and it's an expensive trip so she stays long to make it worth it. It was stressful for me to arrange other childcare but not an unreasonable thing for her to do. I had several months notice. For two days off I think a month notice is sufficient.
1. You are not paying her enough to demand she behave like an obligated employee. Would it be nice if she worked the situation out so it doesn't ruffle your feathers? Sure but she doesn't have to.
2. "Let's?" Who is us? The message board of women who are giving you their honest feedback which happens to not be in agreement with your wishes?
Jumping in here kinda late and this discussion may have run it's course, but I had to comment on your above remark. That's the "real solution" for you. It's not the real solution for your SIL or for your MIL. I get why you are frustrated - you've been relying on your MIL - but you've made references a couple of times that she has not been totally reliable so are you really that suprised? And, I see how your SIL sounds like she can be difficult as well. But, honestly, there are posts all the time on here about people having family provide their childcare for free or next to nothing and the same types of issues pop up about reliablity, not doing things they way the parents want, etc. It's a difficult dynamic. My suggestion - create family turmoil by not being flexible for 1 week or start thinking about finding a more reliable daycare solution. These issues may come up again so you're better off now resetting your expecations of your MIL or finding something that is more reliable.
People keep saying that beggars can't be choosers, and to find reliable daycare. But how is giving someone a month notice that they are unavailable being unreliable? If it were a paid nanny, she'd still be entitled to time off on occasion. MIL probably wants to spend time with her other grandchild. It's two days off.
I don't think it's wholly unreasonable for your SIL to have her mother watch daughter in her home. Packing up a kid, driving across town, etc is a PITA. If she wants her at home, and MIL agreed to go there then you have three choices - find alternate care, get your kid to SILs, or take a day off and stay home with your kid.
You sound just as stubborn and entitled as SIL here.
Agree 100%. When we used a nanny, she needed time off occasionally (as we ALL do). She tried to give me as much notice as possible (if it was a scheduled event), sometimes emergencies happened (you can't predict illness), and I tried to treat her the way I'd like my boss to treat me. Expecting your MIL to never need time off, no matter what the reason is, is unreasonable.
And if you need to have childcare that is always available, or if your MIL has become unreliable, your best bet is a center, although even centers have days off. Fortunately, they generally provide this info months in advance, so you can plan appropriately.
Let's pretend there is no family relationship here. You have a part-time nanny. As such, she has every right to make herself unavailable to you on occasion, provided she gives you sufficient notice. And she has absolutely no obligation to provide a reason for her unavailability. Would you not agree with that?
Why is it any different just because she is your MIL and her reason is your SIL?
Oh, right, because you have an issue with your SIL. Maybe your issue is justified by the "shenangians" you mention, maybe not - strangers on the internet can't know. But that's the real reason this bothers you so much. (notice that the #1 reason in your list is her, the second is all about you - not until the 3rd is there any consideration of the person in the middle of all this.)
And fwiw, if I had a part-time nanny who was a) unreliable and b) unable to lift more than 20lbs, I'd be looking for an alternative.
This. If it was not my MIL and she had been unavailable as often as she has been regardless of the reasons, I would find a different nanny.
I just have to say...and I probably should just let it lie...#1 is about my son. #2 is definitely about us. #3 is about MIL. I don't think it's all bad that 2 of my 3 big reasons are focused on others.
YWIA.
Maybe your MIL doesn't WANT to watch both kids. Maybe, since she watches your kid twice a week, every week, she wants to spend some quality time with her other grandchild once in a while.
My parents watch my kid regularly too. I don't pay them at all, in fact, they come pick him up and send dinner home for me. If they can't watch him a certain day for whatever reason, that's my problem.
I'm actually quite disgusted by this situation. A "wonderful, cathartic screaming match"? If I were your MIL I would be absolutely horrified. Unfortunately she probably wants to spend time with her grandchild so much that she will not demand better treatment.
I hope your husband thinks this is as ridiculous as the majority of posters here do.
Agreed! You actually sound like the entitled brat here. Pay for another sitter for two days. Since you get free childcare all the time, you should be able to save some money to pay for two days a month in advance.
If you were my SIL, I'd be furious with you.
Than why are you using her for childcare? Your mil probably wants to spend time with her daughter's child, which is reasonable. I am guessing y o u dislike sil for other reasons, none of which are relevant here.
DD #1 passed away in January 2011 at 14 days old due to congenital heart disease
DD#2 lost in January 2012 at 23 weeks due to anhydramnios caused by a placental abruption
Thanks for all the feedback! I was able to use a large part of it. We are going to use our DC provider for an extra two days a week to create a consistent schedule for DS. Having to come up with an alternative plan 1-2 days out of the 8 each month that we rely on my MIL is just creates a lot of stress for all of us whatever the reason. It will also allow me to change up my schedule to something much easier.
Again, thanks for the honest and empathic feedback.