Lurker needing advice....Sorry so long!

whalen_sa

Hi ladies,

I have been lurking around for a while. Don't post much (can't at work and my cell phone is terrible) But I need some advice.

I have an almost 10 yr old SD who is overweight. DH and I have talked before about taking her to see a dr. At her physical in Sept her Pedi told DH and BM that she is overweight and at risk for other health issues. BM just ignored it and when DH brought it up to her she responded with "She is just growing. It will even out!"

Well here we are 10 months later. She has gained more weight and we have found he hiding food. At 5 months pregnant (5'8") I weigh 10lbs more than she does. This is not ok. We have a tough time because we can only manage what she eats and does while at our house. She get minimal snacks during the day and if so they are fruits or veggies and only drinks water. She is also outside as long as it is not raining. She is in all day sports camps in the summer on our time, but then goes to BM for a week and is sitting on the couch because there is AC in their apartment and she eats whatever she wants. She was telling me how she was sharing cookies with her sister the other morning!!! WHO ALLOWS A CHILD COOKIES FOR BREAKFAST!!!!????

Anyways DH and I have contacted the Children?s Hospital Nutrition Department to set up and appointment for SD. We are also worried about diabetes because both DH parents have it along with a few others in DH family.  DH and I were thinking about going to talk to the dr ourselves first then bring SD.  Where I am worried is how much at this point should we involve BM?  She has been ignoring this for a while but I know we need her to cooperate with this for it to work, but I know she won?t.  TIA for any and all advice.

 

tashad18

Your DH has a right to seek medical care for her when she is with him.  This would fall under that.  You should give BM the courtesy of letting her know that you will be taking her to the nutritionist because I'm sure SD will tell her, and it may make it worse if she feels like she has been left in the dark.  Give her the opportunity to participate, but don't let it change your mind if she doesn't want to go or argues with you.  You have to do what is best for her and hope that BM will "see the light". 

 

 

Banana44

My sister's stepchildren were both considered obese by the age of 6 or 7.  My sister and her DH did the same as you - make sure food was nutritional, sports camps, outside time - but it didn't change anything because it was only on their time.

They finally enrolled in a nutritional program  at CHOP (Children's Hospital of Philly).  This program mandated that both parents be involved and the court ordered BM to be involved (she was reluctant the entire time).  The program taught the parents how to prepare foods and change diets and habits (you'd be surprised how much people have wrong about 'Healthy')  and worked with the children to educate them about exercise and food.

It worked great for a while.  SS (14) has remained in control of his plan and has remained at healthy weights,  He exercises and watches what he eats,  SD (12) lost weight, looked great and then fell back on old habits.  It is a constant fight with her to try to keep her on program.  BM does not help!  If anything she sabotages the children's diets.

 It is my thought that just like going to a counselor or picking a school, setting up a program like this for the children would require both parents to be involved.  Either way - without BM's involvement what you do won't help much.

I would check out the program with just you and DH but then I think you really need to involve BM before you bring SD.

 

fellesferie

Is she literally just overweight? Or is she obese? There have been some recent medical studies showing that 'overweight' is not necessarily a problem for adults. I don't know if the same is true for kids. Which isn't to say you shouldn't take action--I think you should--but it's just how much of an emergency this is.

Do you send her to sports camp because there is a sport she loves and wants to spend all day doing it? Do you make her stay outside unless it is raining?

Without knowing you, your SD, or her mom, some of the things that go on at your house sound as alarming as what goes on at BMs.

Because she is either an active child who loves sports and being outside, in which case perhaps there is a medical issue messing with her metabolism. Or you are forcing all this on her, which I think is kind of awful.  

Do you exercise as a family? Do you model the good eating habits you want her to emulate? Do you talk to her about her health and how good vs bad foods affect her body? 

I think that taking her to the nutrition department at a children's hospital is a good idea. But I think that you can't just throw exercise and activity at her.

You can't force activity on a a kid. DS (8) is a red belt in TKD--he's one level away from black. When he is engaged, he sweats like a pig. When he's not, he can practice for an hour without getting the slightest bit out of breath. 

BTW I would think nothing of occasionally letting my kids share a couple cookies at breakfast.  

whalen_sa

I agree that BM should be involved.  It just upsets me that when she refuses to see the problem and does nothing to help.  It makes us look like we are picking on SD. I don't want it to be us picking on her I want her to see we are trying to help her.

Fellesferie to answer your questions: She is considered obese. Her BMI from her physical is 27 which was in the 99th percentile. 

We send her to sports camps that she enjoys playing (soccer and softball)  She has been asking BM to sign her up for the town sports but she says no.  She does not want to commit the time to take her to games and practices.  We live in a different town but have signed her up for the town sports where her mom lives where most of her friends are so she can play with them. And we take her to all games and practices even if it is not on our time.  And she is not forced to play outside, but if the kids in our neighborhood are out she will go out an play with them.  

As a family we do exersise.  We just recently moved into a new house with a pool that we have spent most nights in playing and swimming.  We also take walks and the kids ride their bikes.  We have had many conversations on what is good and what is bad to eat and how different types of foods provide energy and vitamins for her body.    

I don't feel like we are throwing exercise or activities at her. She would clearly tell us that she is not having fun or its something she does not like.  She is not shy about letting us know if there is something we are doing as a family that she does not like and does not want to take part in. 

 

fellesferie

As long as she enjoys the activity, I think you're good. As a child, I was a reader and activity/sports camps would have been considered cruel & unusual punishment, lol. 

Has she had a thorough physical? Bloodwork and everything? If she is that active, it seems really odd that a kid her age is having that much of a problem.

If she is active and there is no problem with her health, what's going on in her head? Is she an emotional eater? A stress eater? Is she using food to fill some sort of gap? 

whalen_sa

She is only active when she is with us.  Wed, Thurs, EOW. And then 3 weeks in the summer.  When I do pick up I ask what she did that day and it is always just sat inside and watched tv.  She had a physical in Sept.  I was not present for it.  I do not think blood work was done which worries me a little. 

I was thinking the other day about the emotional end of it and that every well could be part of the issue.  She is not in any therapy (even thought I have mentioned that in the past as well)  All these things I would love to just do but I can not without DH and BM being on board!

ldmessing

we are in the same situation with our 13 yo sd.  we have full custody and do what we can, but when she is at her mothers, school, we can't control what she eats.

she has been to doctors, nutritionists, therapists you name it, she sadly doesn't want bad enough for herself.