I'm readyBank account is NOT!

reiss10

My husband and I have been blissfully married for almost 3 years now and we were thrilled to purchase our first home about a year ago. We bought the house with a little help from my parents, as we accumulated over 200,000 in combined student loans in law school. With 2 JD's in our marriage, people are shocked to hear that our financial situation is the only thing holding us back from starting our family.

Since law school, my DH has had a steady job at a medium sized successful law firm, but b/c he was hired at the height of the lawyer bubble, his pay started low and increases slowly. I have had trouble getting a job at a firm and struggle with overcoming the complaint that I am 'overqualified' for anything else I apply for.

Basically, we make enough every month to cover bills, mortgage, and loan repayments which resemble a 2nd mortgage but we still cut it close every month. No extra expenses like dates or dinners out, no trips, NO shopping, etc. we are ready, but nervous about whether getting pregnant now would just be irresponsible and add even more stress to our economic outlook.

On the other hand, I'm approaching 30 this year and feel like waiting another 2 yrs or so may not even dramatically change our finances . Also, we both grew up in families with very little 'extras' but have extremely successful parents who built their fortunes in our youth. That being said, neither one of our mothers is going to let us do without when it comes to their grandbabies, so we would always have what we needed no matter what.

Sorry so long, but this has been all I can think about lately and I am getting a little sad for the time I feel like I'm losing with my future expanded family. Just how fiscally responsible do we have to be before our checkbook is as ready for babies as we are?!?

EB0625

I wish I had the magic answer! I know that if my husband and I waited until our student loans were paid off, then we'd never have any. We're in a similar situation as you......and while I have plenty of time, my husband is almost forty so we're diving in.......Good luck!

FemShep

Have you considered looking for a position as in-house counsel?  I'm not sure where you live, but many medium and large companies have a robust legal group, the hours are generally better than Big Law, and the benefits and security are great. 

Please don't let your age stress you out; I had DD1 at 32 and DD2 at 39.  Both are beautiful, healthy, happy girls.  My OB actually said that I was one of the younger FTMs in her practice when I had DD1!  It's much better to wait until you can afford to provide the basics for your child than to get spooked by your age.  And if you're barely getting by now, it will be very, very difficult for you to afford a child.  While I understand that you have grandmothers who will help with LO, you simply can't count on that to support your child.  They'll buy what they want (as they should!), so if your LO really needs basic onesies but they see a dress they simply need to get her, well, you'll get the dress.  

Since you are just barely getting by, is there a way to decrease your expenses so you can start an emergency fund and prepare for a child that way?  There's a good thread in the Working Mothers board about expenses and budgeting (and many lawyers who are also swimming in debt who will sympathize with you).

I know it's frustrating to wait, but use the time to get as ready as possible-physically and financially.  It's worth it. 

MrMrsandBaby

I'm a little different here on this one.  If you wait until you think you can afford children, you may never have them.

What I would suggest is to try and figure out what having a baby will add to your budget (daycare, diapers, formula, clothes, doctor/hospital bills, etc) and put that amount of money into savings every month for at least 6 months. 

If you are able to do that (without adding to your debt) then you can likely afford a little one and you already have a headstart on the costs!  If not, reevaluate in a year or so.

DH and I did this, we lived on the baby budget for a year before I got pregnant and it was the best thing we could have done.  Not only did we already have the savings built up for emergencies, but it let me take 13 weeks off of work.  I highly recommend it to anyone who is thinking of TTGP.

trebekastan

I disagree with some of the responses. I think it is easy to say "don't do it if you can't afford it", but that may be coming from people who are not in the same situation as you or have forgotten. I think if there is a will, there is a way. Babies cost only as much as you want them too. If you want to you can get by with nothing but a stack of diapers. EVERYTHING ELSE IS EXTRA! All babies need is love. Plain and simple

Twinkie0612

lstrejcek:

I disagree with some of the responses. I think it is easy to say "don't do it if you can't afford it", but that may be coming from people who are not in the same situation as you or have forgotten. I think if there is a will, there is a way. Babies cost only as much as you want them too. If you want to you can get by with nothing but a stack of diapers. EVERYTHING ELSE IS EXTRA! All babies need is love. Plain and simple

I am pretty sure babies need more than love.  Babies need to be fed, which I am sure you would argue that OP could breast feed.  Which not everyone can breast feed, so if breast feeding doesn't work out, OP would have to formula feed and formula isn't cheap.  

Also the baby will need health insurance, which if OP is really barely making ends meet, how can she afford an increase in insurance premiums?  What about the cost of the delivery, depending on OP's insurance that might not be a small bill.

 Also most people get only get a fraction of their salary (if they get paid at all) for ML.  OP needs to figure out if how long they can make it on a reduced income. When OP does go back to work (which it sounds like she will have to since they rely on two incomes), there will be the added cost of daycare.  If OP can barely pay their current bills, how will they afford daycare?

OP- My advice is to sit down and look at your budget.  Figure out your current monthly income and expenses.  Then do you research and estimate what the additional monthly expenses for a baby would be.  Then you have to find ways to either increase your income or decrease your expenses until you can afford all of your monthly expenses plus the added expense of a baby.  Next, like a PP said I would try to live on your baby budget for a few months.  You can put the money set aside for baby expenses into savings.  I would also look at what kind of savings you will need to cover ML, the cost of delivery, and major baby expenses (crib and car seat) then work on saving that amount.  Once you have the savings and can afford the monthly expense, then you can consider TTC.

FemShep

lstrejcek:

I disagree with some of the responses. I think it is easy to say "don't do it if you can't afford it", but that may be coming from people who are not in the same situation as you or have forgotten. I think if there is a will, there is a way. Babies cost only as much as you want them too. If you want to you can get by with nothing but a stack of diapers. EVERYTHING ELSE IS EXTRA! All babies need is love. Plain and simple

This is the most ridiculous, irresponsible advice I've ever heard.

I've willed a money tree to start growing in my back yard, but that hasn't happened yet.  No luck with the lottery ticket either.  You can't just wish for more money or for your student loans to disappear and have that happen. 

And as far as babies only needing love, you must have a very different definition of love, because while my child gets love and adoration, she also needs:

-food (you can't get by on just BFing baby's entire life, and when I went back to work, I couldn't pump enough to keep up with her demand, so let's add some formula costs in there too) 

-diapers and wipes (that sh!t's expensive-pun intended) 

-clothing (naked babies in public are frowned upon, and the poor little things get cold)

-a place for LO to sleep

-a car seat

-probably a stroller, a carrier, or both

-doctor's appointments, and occasional medicine (including over the counter stuff like sunscreen and baby ibuprofen)

-health insurance and the cost of pregnancy and delivery

And that's just the stuff that is absolutely required.  We also spend money on day care (more expensive than my mortgage, and in some parts of the country very hard to find), "extras" like swim diapers for an occasional trip to a pool or beach, the very rare babysitter so DH and I can have a night out, a nursing chair (which was a godsend, and is still used every day), a second car seat, additional life insurance.....  

All together, including daycare, in her first year we spent over $20k on DD.  Even if you take daycare out of the picture, we spent over $10k.  So telling someone "all babies need is love" is the worst advice you can give.

reiss10

I am so grateful for your response I broke into tears when I read it! I did the budgeting and between what we already have, have been offered and what we can save up while trying, I am more confident than ever that this is the right time.

A lot of people misread my message when I said my baby would never do without...especially the ones who mentioned that babies need to eat etc. clearly I am aware that babies require the basics and have many needs but I should hope there was a builtin understanding that if I were homeless and hugry this would not be a consideration.

Further, specifically to the response demanding that I remember a baby is my responsibility exclusively, I believe the thought to be a bit narrowminded. Perhaps that is how your family functions and no one should pass judgment on that as an outsider. But my family has always faced children as a collaborative group effort. I was the primary caregiver for my sisters kids when in law school, my mother keeps her children most weekdays, etc. I guess it was insulting that someone feel the need to so boldly preach responsibility to me, ESP when my primary concern to begin with was acting responsively.
Thanks for the help!

reiss10

I think your response is amazing and I'm sorry you received so much hateful and angry slack for it. I appreciate your word more than you will ever know. I thought these boards were for people to share their personal thoughts and feelings free from judgement and quite frankly verbal abuse. Perhaps I was wrong and I'm sorry to have caused such nasty exchanges. I feel bad for people is quick to anger, and from the posts, I feel even worse for their children who, apparently, have all the material things and financing they need, but perhaps not the more important values of patience, love and understanding that parents are also supposed to provide!

Twinkie0612

reiss10:

I think your response is amazing and I'm sorry you received so much hateful and angry slack for it. I appreciate your word more than you will ever know. I thought these boards were for people to share their personal thoughts and feelings free from judgement and quite frankly verbal abuse. Perhaps I was wrong and I'm sorry to have caused such nasty exchanges. I feel bad for people is quick to anger, and from the posts, I feel even worse for their children who, apparently, have all the material things and financing they need, but perhaps not the more important values of patience, love and understanding that parents are also supposed to provide!

Overreact much?  I have re-read all of the comments you have gotten and I don't see a single, mean, nasty, angry, or even close to abusive post.  You got good advice on how to start working towards being able to afford a baby, just because it wasn't what you wanted to hear doesn't make it "verbally abusive."  I don't think any responsible person would tell you to have a baby if you can't afford it.  What if something happens and your parents and they can no longer afford to help you out?  Ultimately it is your responsibility to provide (physically and financially) for a baby and my "personal thoughts and feelings" are that you need to make sure you can do this before TTC.

reiss10

[>

Uh, No. Stop giving bad advice on all boards. Thanks.

 

reiss10

Overreact much?  I have re-read all of the comments you have gotten and I don't see a single, mean, nasty, angry, or even close to abusive post.  You got good advice on how to start working towards being able to afford a baby, just because it wasn't what you wanted to hear doesn't make it "verbally abusive."  I don't think any responsible person would tell you to have a baby if you can't afford it.  What if something happens and your parents and they can no longer afford to help you out?  Ultimately it is your responsibility to provide (physically and financially) for a baby and my "personal thoughts and feelings" are that you need to make sure you can do this before TTC.

Hey Twinkie,

"This is the most ridiculous, irresponsible advice I've ever heard."

"You should stop positing bad advice on message boards"


Ok so I don't know how you guys do that quoting bit, but these are just 2 examples I will use that prompted my 'overreaction' you felt so strongly about. You are incorrectly and prematurely assuming i was reacting to advice that I didn't want to hear but you missed the point. I was addresing the fact that Someone was trying to help me just like everyone else giving advice and she was berated for it. I felt bad bc she was responding to my post. Therefore I was compelled to speak up for the minority opinion getting ridiculed, judged and dismissed.

At least the minority opinions had the courtesy to say that they felt differently than the previous posts, while the people who quoted her made it clear it was not just different, but absolutely wrong. Glad you guys are so certain of black and white answers, but it felt hostile on a few of those. These boards would function much better if people weren't subject to that. And, frankly, knowitalls are neverever as helpful as they believe themselves to be.

And, Twinkie, your response to me was extremely defensive....almost an overreaction someone far more judgmental than myself might say. Hmm....

And, as an update and hugely ironic twist, I was hired last Friday as legal counsel for a fantastic Fortune 500 company, beginning in Aug. with a starting salary that will immediately triple our household income. Needless to say, we are thrilled to stop talking about kids and start making them!

For the record, love alone may not literally be all that our babies are going to need, but if I ever had to decide between love and any of the other lengthy lists of what a 'responsible mother' would be able to provide, I still think love is the most essential necessity and the one that makes us richest.

FemShep

reiss10:

Hey Twinkie, "This is the most ridiculous, irresponsible advice I've ever heard." "You should stop positing bad advice on message boards" Ok so I don't know how you guys do that quoting bit, but these are just 2 examples I will use that prompted my 'overreaction' you felt so strongly about. ...

For the record, love alone may not literally be all that our babies are going to need, but if I ever had to decide between love and any of the other lengthy lists of what a 'responsible mother' would be able to provide, I still think love is the most essential necessity and the one that makes us richest.

Telling you that all a baby needs is love and you should have one whenever you want is, in fact, the most ridiculous, irresponsible advice I've ever heard.  I went out of my way to list some of the bare minimum things that a baby needs that are quite expensive.

Nowhere, OP, did I attack the responder personally, nor did I attack you. You're the person who talked about what terrible people we are and how unlucky our kids are. So yes, you did overreact. And if anyone should be apologizing, it's you.

BTW, loving your child and being able to provide for them financially aren't mutually exclusive.  In fact,I would argue that the parents who wait until they are ready for kids-emotionally, physically, and financially-are demonstrating greater love for their children since they're putting the needs of their child before their own selfish wants. 

Twinkie0612

reiss10:

 

Overreact much?  I have re-read all of the comments you have gotten and I don't see a single, mean, nasty, angry, or even close to abusive post.  You got good advice on how to start working towards being able to afford a baby, just because it wasn't what you wanted to hear doesn't make it "verbally abusive."  I don't think any responsible person would tell you to have a baby if you can't afford it.  What if something happens and your parents and they can no longer afford to help you out?  Ultimately it is your responsibility to provide (physically and financially) for a baby and my "personal thoughts and feelings" are that you need to make sure you can do this before TTC.

Hey Twinkie, "This is the most ridiculous, irresponsible advice I've ever heard." "You should stop positing bad advice on message boards" Ok so I don't know how you guys do that quoting bit, but these are just 2 examples I will use that prompted my 'overreaction' you felt so strongly about. You are incorrectly and prematurely assuming i was reacting to advice that I didn't want to hear but you missed the point. I was addresing the fact that Someone was trying to help me just like everyone else giving advice and she was berated for it. I felt bad bc she was responding to my post. Therefore I was compelled to speak up for the minority opinion getting ridiculed, judged and dismissed. At least the minority opinions had the courtesy to say that they felt differently than the previous posts, while the people who quoted her made it clear it was not just different, but absolutely wrong. Glad you guys are so certain of black and white answers, but it felt hostile on a few of those. These boards would function much better if people weren't subject to that. And, frankly, knowitalls are neverever as helpful as they believe themselves to be. And, Twinkie, your response to me was extremely defensive....almost an overreaction someone far more judgmental than myself might say. Hmm.... And, as an update and hugely ironic twist, I was hired last Friday as legal counsel for a fantastic Fortune 500 company, beginning in Aug. with a starting salary that will immediately triple our household income. Needless to say, we are thrilled to stop talking about kids and start making them! For the record, love alone may not literally be all that our babies are going to need, but if I ever had to decide between love and any of the other lengthy lists of what a 'responsible mother' would be able to provide, I still think love is the most essential necessity and the one that makes us richest.

Um yeah you those were people stating their opinions about the advice given by another poster.  They are not means anywhere close to verbal abuse and calling them verbal abuse is a total over reaction

If you look at my post, I pointed out how the other poster was wrong with the "all a baby needs is love" "you can get by on just a sack of diapers."  After I addressed the obvious needs of a baby above and beyond love, I gave you advice that included looking at your budget and finding a way to either increase your income or decrease your expenses.   It looks like that is what you did, since you found a job that increases your household income.

While I don't disagree that a baby needs a loving home, I think food, a safe place to sleep, affordable health care, and some one to care for them while I am at work are pretty important too.  I wouldn't have a baby unless I could provide all of those things.  I don't want to have to look at my child someday and say "I'm sorry you are hungry and sick, but I couldn't afford formula and health insurance for you.  I thought all you needed was love."

sykadelic

MrMrsandBaby:

I'm a little different here on this one.  If you wait until you think you can afford children, you may never have them.

What I would suggest is to try and figure out what having a baby will add to your budget (daycare, diapers, formula, clothes, doctor/hospital bills, etc) and put that amount of money into savings every month for at least 6 months. 

If you are able to do that (without adding to your debt) then you can likely afford a little one and you already have a headstart on the costs!  If not, reevaluate in a year or so.

DH and I did this, we lived on the baby budget for a year before I got pregnant and it was the best thing we could have done.  Not only did we already have the savings built up for emergencies, but it let me take 13 weeks off of work.  I highly recommend it to anyone who is thinking of TTGP.

This is excellent advice! Thanks!!