Other parent lying

+just+j+

How do you handle the other parent lying?

XH has told me repeatedly that he does not do anything with DD along with his girlfriend.  That is if he does see them, it's when DD and him are out and about.

Yet,  he sends pictures and he has sent DD back with french braids in her hair.  His girlfriend is a hairdresser/salon owner.  He has also put her swimming pool at her place because he has no yard to do so at his apartment. I've been to his place. I know this is fact.

I do not care if he does things with his girlfriend. I don't get why he is lying about it when everything else contradicts it.  That's not what's concerning me tho.  XSD and XSS are BIG FAT LIARS.  They lie about everything. They would lie about what they ate for lunch if they thought it would benefit them in some way.  I do not want DD to grow up thinking lies are okay.  Everyone tells little white lies - I get it if you have to do that on occasion to spare someone's feelings, but that's something that you reserve for few circumstances.  Not every day. Which is what they do. 

XH could never lie to me.  He tried a few times but quickly found out I always saw thru it and found out. So he rarely lied to me.  Well now he's starting up again.  Same thing XSD and XSS do.  Lie, lie, lie, lie, lie, LIE.  And over stupidshit!  And they think if they just act like it's truth - then it really the truth. 

My issue is not what he's doing (at least the issues at hand) I could care less about his business.  What I do care about is that DD will grow up thinking lying, and white lies on a regular basis is okay.

Do I call him out on it?  As DD gets older and points things out, do I flat out tell DD he's lying and it' not okay? I don't want to put DD in the middle, or make her feel ever like she is tattling on daddy, but at the same time, I feel the need to let him know that his lies are not okay, regardless of how small and that I do not want DD to grow up doing the same. 

How would you handle now, and going forward. DD's 3 1/2 - but I believe she picks up on things. I lied when I was in kindergarten, over silly stuff for attention. I don't want DD to do the same.  I want to teach her honesty always is best. 

WWYD?

fellesferie

I've called XH out a few times when his lies affect me or DS.

For instance, when we split he was CO'd to have his vehicle out of my name by 60 days after the documents were signed. Four months later it still hadn't happened. I b!tched to him about it. He informed me that he would file Ch 11 bankruptcy if I didn't get off his azz, and the only reason he hadn't so far was to be nice to me.

I asked him if he had thoroughly researched that option. He claimed he had.

Ch 11 is for businesses.  

I called him on that one.

Another one- he lives w/ his girlfriend in CA. The one he denied having an affair with when we were still married. He claims she's a "roommate." But his mom posts pictures of them together all over FB. DS is old enough to bring her up occasionally. I don't care, and it doesn't affect me/DS, so I have never mentioned it to him.

We don't talk enough (or in enough detail) for him to have much of an opportunity to lie. 

Littlejen22

Call him out on things you know like when he says that he does not spend time with his girlfriend tell him that is a lie and if he did not see them together the. His girlfriend would not need a pool for DD. remind him you do not care and there is no reason to lie but you do not want DD to hear him lie.

+just+j+

felles - does your XH think that his CO would be excused in bankruptcy?? Because that's not the case. School loans and Child Support are exempt and can not be written off.

I am realizing that I have this persistent fear/concern that DD will become like my ex stepkids.  I keep reminding myself that she has a better mother than them and that I just need to focus on being a good mom, teaching her right from wrong, and stay consistent and decent and it will all work out.  But this whole divorce thing really makes you stop and think am I being a b*tchy ex wife?  Or am I honestly pursuing something that is best for DD?  Because sometimes I do think I go into petty mode. I stop myself a lot of times from saying things that aren't worth it.

The whole lying thing tho bugs me.  I don't want DD to learn that behavior.  I have gotten almost too honest for my own good.  Not that I condone lying, but I should shut my mouth more. 

I've called him out on things and I get the "You're asking stupid questions" and "This is none of your business."  When I get the stupid question comment, that's when I know I caught him in a lie. Just clarifying XH.  Just clarifying.

Hopeforthebest

Honestly, I would concentrate on teaching your DD how to deal with liars vs. trying to change your EX.

Obviously if he isn't lying about something major, then I'd ignore it. If it is major and in violation of the CO; file contempt.

You don't need to keep score of every time you catch him in a lie and necessarily letting him know you've even caught him in one. It doesn't matter what you think (to him) he is going to do what he is going to do.

 

Sigir

Hopeforthebest:

Honestly, I would concentrate on teaching your DD how to deal with liars vs. trying to change your EX. Obviously if he isn't lying about something major, then I'd ignore it. If it is major and in violation of the CO; file contempt. You don't need to keep score of every time you catch him in a lie and necessarily letting him know you've evennbsp;caught him in one. It doesn't matter what you think to him he is going to do what he is going to do.nbsp;

I agree. Exh used to lie all the time and I gave up on pointing it out bc there is no benefit to doing that... He is never going to change. If he starts involving your dc in the lies that is another story entirely, but if he is just telling you that he does not bring your dd around his gf, I'd let it go.

+just+j+

Another factor...I used to influence his lying a great deal. When we were married, he didn't try it.  Obviously I no longer influence him any more and I need to just accept that on all levels.  He's going to just be someone I can not trust or believe half the time. Just like his kids.  

You're right on not changing him. I don't expect him to I guess, but I think when the time is appropriate, he will eventually find out that I won't tolerate it and that I am well aware he's a big fat liar. 

Now is probably not the time or the battle I want to fight just yet.

fellesferie

+just+j+:

felles - does your XH think that his CO would be excused in bankruptcy?? Because that's not the case. School loans and Child Support are exempt and can not be written off.

I am realizing that I have this persistent fear/concern that DD will become like my ex stepkids.  I keep reminding myself that she has a better mother than them and that I just need to focus on being a good mom, teaching her right from wrong, and stay consistent and decent and it will all work out.  But this whole divorce thing really makes you stop and think am I being a b*tchy ex wife?  Or am I honestly pursuing something that is best for DD?  Because sometimes I do think I go into petty mode. I stop myself a lot of times from saying things that aren't worth it.

The whole lying thing tho bugs me.  I don't want DD to learn that behavior.  I have gotten almost too honest for my own good.  Not that I condone lying, but I should shut my mouth more. 

I've called him out on things and I get the "You're asking stupid questions" and "This is none of your business."  When I get the stupid question comment, that's when I know I caught him in a lie. Just clarifying XH.  Just clarifying.

Nah, I think he thought that if he filed for bankruptcy it would get rid of the car loan that we shared. 

There are traits that DS has that remind me of XH, and I will admit that I am very guilty of aggressively trying to stamp them out.  

In your shoes, I might just try to cut down on the conversations with XH. Give him less opportunity to lie. You can't control whether he takes her to the gf's apartment, so just don't ask. If he starts to yammer about it anyway, just politely end the conversation and walk away.

If your dd catches it and brings it up, I would just say that even grown ups don't always know why some people say/do certain things. And that you hope she always tells you the truth.

I am sometimes bitchy/petty toward XH. Most of the time I try to be civil, but our relationship and his feelings are not my priority. So I do my best, but I will put what I think is best for DS (or my family) first every time.  

CFjo2010

Hopeforthebest:

Honestly, I would concentrate on teaching your DD how to deal with liars vs. trying to change your EX.

Obviously if he isn't lying about something major, then I'd ignore it. If it is major and in violation of the CO; file contempt.

You don't need to keep score of every time you catch him in a lie and necessarily letting him know you've even caught him in one. It doesn't matter what you think (to him) he is going to do what he is going to do.

 

I agree.

Although, it would be pretty damn funny if you asked XH to teach you how to french braid since he apparently does DD's so well lol 

KTdidit

andrea99:

Not trying to post hijack, but what would you all do if the other parent is lying to the child, even if it's not anything "major"?  Like last night, BM told SD that DH had agreed to let her bring SD back this morning.  That was not at all the agreement.  How do we correct this without making BM look like an @ss?  Or do we?

In that case I would have your DH tell SD no, he never said that and BM must've been "mistaken". Then talk to BM and tell her that she can't lie to SD like that and expect that he will just go along with it. My guess is that she said that thinking that there's no way your DH would say no and make SD upset, she's using SD. What repurcussions you could apply I have no idea.

sfeebs13

I'm having this problem a bit too, but with SD, and SS's. They have somehow got the impression that lying is ok and this concerns me for when LO arrives. I'm afraid their behavior will affect her behavior later on. And although I love my SKids, I have different opinions and morals than their BM has and want to raise DD very differently.

I would call him out on it. Your DD being 3 1/2 she is absorbing things like crazy and this is something I believe you want to fix before it escalates and it something you have to fix after its begun. That always makes things harder. I'm a FTM, so I'll be learning how to deal with this with you. )

I don't think tattling or having DD in the middle of things would make it any better. She is still very young and I think you need to be the one to address the issues right now.

+just+j+

My ex stepkids are habitual liars. I called them out on it.  They hated me.   They denied everything and will deny it to this day - even if confronted with fact.  It's so absurd and ridiculous, that is why I take issue. But...their mother's were liars.

They are also adults now, not in my home (and never will be again) and they will have minimal contact with DD. By their choice apparently, and if that changes, booth are not allowed to be alone with DD ever.  XH has to be present.  There are reasons for this I won't go into, but their behavior and sharing the same father, I have this fear DD will go down the same path.

I have to keep reminding myself that I am a better mother than theirs were and that I teach my daughter right and wrong.  I am also a good example. Unlike their mothers, I act with integrity, honesty, class, dignity.  At least I try like hell to.  I'm teaching my example. Which I guess is why I am not going after all this petty stuff.

I will probably have a discussion with him, so that he knows where I stand, and what I will take issue with - but he really does know already.  It will have to be something a little more serious than these lies.

And if DD starts to show this behavior, even a little bit - I will move on it immediately.  Lying won't be tolerated and she will know it.

Lavender P

I think that if the lies are in relation to your DD or in anyway would effect her then call him out. Otherwise you are are just going to waste time and energy trying to teach him how to be an honorable man. BM lies all the time and SS does too. We try really hard to teach him about integrity and it just falls on deaf ears. DH and I just keep reiterating the right thing to do and the consequences of lying. He spends far more time with BM then he does with us so it is an uphill battle. You are raising your DD an she will know that you don't tolerate it and will learn by example.

Pamelacake

Lavender P:

I think that if the lies are in relation to your DD or in anyway would effect her then call him out. Otherwise you are are just going to waste time and energy trying to teach him how to be an honorable man. BM lies all the time and SS does too. We try really hard to teach him about integrity and it just falls on deaf ears. DH and I just keep reiterating the right thing to do and the consequences of lying. He spends far more time with BM then he does with us so it is an uphill battle. You are raising your DD an she will know that you don't tolerate it and will learn by example.

I agree, we have this issue with BM and although she doesn't see SD's very often, SD's lie constantly. BM even tried to get them to lie for her and also tries to use 6yo's history of lying to her advantage. 6yo SD now knows I see right through her lies so she hasn't been doing it as much or if she does she comes back to tell me the truth within minutes. 5yo SD is picking it up at a very rapid pace.