New here- (long)
Hi everyone! Just a brief" history on me and my LO.
I had 2 missed m/c within a couple of months in 2011. Fell pregnant a 3rd time and gave birth in June 2012. I went through depression through most of my pregnancy and my OB wouldn't do anything, other than say she would wait until after the baby was born and see "how I felt."
My last month of pregnancy I didn't feel depressed at all and felt really great. Baby girl was born and she was amazing for 2 weeks and then it all went down hill. She started screaming 20 hours out of the day and would only sleep in 5 minute intervals. She didn't want to be held, unless facing downward so I couldn't see her face.. unless she was nursing.. which she wanted to do for an hour at a time every 30 minutes. This went on until she was 6 months old. I had her to emergency from 4 weeks old and continued to take her everywhere. I basically lived at my mothers while DH worked 12-15 hour days.
I never got that bonding in with my baby. I ran on no sleep, I felt overwhelmed all of the time.. but never depressed. The Dr's would not listen to me and I would always hear the same things- "babies cry." One Dr said that to me as she grabbed my baby out of my arms. Tests upon tests were done.. just to humour me.. and nothing.
Finally after some research, I found she had all 15 symptoms listed for silent reflux. I found a public health nurse, who began coming to my home to try and help out any way that she could. She agreed that it appeared that is what she had. So I went to the Dr. with DH and my mother in tow and we had about 5 Dr's hauled into 1 office until they listened to us and put her on Zantac. (We had exhausted all natural options and I was down to eating nothing but plain chicken, out of fear that everything I was eating was affecting her).
Within a week she was a whole new baby, and I was a depressed mess. I weighed 110 at 5'11" (before pregnancy I had been 145) 6 months PP. It's been easily one of the worst years of my life. This past February I could actually look at my baby and think to myself that I actually loved her.
The past 2 months have been better. I still get frustrated easily, but I am able to stay at home alone with her now and not be scared of myself. She just started sleeping all night a week before her first birthday. I feel human again. She still doesn't nap and has a huge attachment to me (I blame it on the reflux and the fact no one seemed to want to help other than my mother). I still have rough days.. and I am terrified of it ever returning. Before my daughter, I had always thought of having 4 babies, whether adopted or me birthing them. I soon decided after she was born, that she would be my only child, unless we adopted an older child. DH told me to think on it for another year or so... and I agreed. Well we just found out (and I always think the people that say- "I don't know how that happened" are ridiculous- so I guess I am ridiculous) that we are expecting again. I missed my period and took a test yesterday and today.
I am freaking out of my mind. When I seen the positive, I smiled. Then as I was telling DH, I was crying and freaking out. (He is happy with it and keeps smiling and asking me about it.. thankfully.) I keep going in waves of excited and scared out of my mind. I just don't want this pregnancy and early PP to go the same.
Re: New here- (long)
It sounds like you had a really rough time with your DD, no wonder you are scared. Unfortunately many of us do not have the into into motherhood we would have wished for (I certainly did not!). I think the best we can do is learn from those experiences and move on with future pregnancies.
Did you seek treatment for you depression after your DD was born? It is probably a good idea to seek some therapy and discuss your options to deal with any depression that creeps up during your pregnancy or early PP.
For me personally, I have chosen to remain on my anxiety/depression meds throughout my next pregnancy to prevent a repeat of my PPA/PPD. I also plan on returning to my therapist when I am pregnant with my second.
Congratulations on your pregnancy!
Here is a giant hug. While my story is not identical, I went through hell with my daughter for the first 5 months of her life - she cried all.the.time. It was beyond awful. My marriage also fell apart then too, so I was a mess. As with most things in life things did get better but I was still generally unhappy and went on anti-depressants about a year ago and felt like a new person ? life wasn?t as sad anymore, I stopped crying every day. Looking back I wished I had gone so much sooner. Recently this May I was traveling and didn?t take my medication ? boy did I feel a difference, they really do work! J Go find a new Dr ? as my doctor said to me, your hormones are lacking in some area and you deserve medical help to supplement what you aren?t producing.
The other thing to keep in mind, not all babies are the same. Your next child will be totally different. And finally you are an experienced parent which also makes a huge difference.
I wish you all best in the world and I know you can do this.