I feel so selfish.

Knelson84

Just need to tell my story... Get it off my chest. Hope you guys don't mind.

I tried to become pregnant using IVF and a donor for 13 monThs, every month, with no success. We decided to let my partner have a shot, instead of IVF, we used the DIY method, no real calculation or planning, just a quick DIY with a syringe. Well it was a success, first time lucky! And in ecstatic and I feel so blessed and happy.

But I am also jealous. It was always the plan that I would have the baby. It was a major shock when she fell pregnant as neither of us really considered it which I know is silly. I am the one that dreamt and day dreamed of carrying our child. It consumed my every thought, I had researched everything! From the best prenatal to what I wanted on my birth plan. And I'm so sad and jealous that its not me. And I feel terrible mentioning my feelings as my beautiful partner is carrying our baby and is hormonal and sick, I don't want to add this extra stress. But it's eating me up. Even when she is sick, I can't help but feel that I want to be the one sick. Argh it's stupid.

What makes it worse, is when we go to doctors etc they speak to her instead of both of us and people have congratulated her whilst I just stood there feeling like a silly third wheel.

She makes me feel like just as much of the mother and I am, this is our child in every degree so why do I feel this way? Why do I care so much about how others view us? Why am I so desperate to be recognized as mother too!

If anyone has any advice for me, it would be so much appreciated or just thank you for reading. It was still good to write it all down!

ATXmommas

I think you can cut yourself a break.  What you are feeling seems very natural to me.  In regards to the feeling of jealousy, I think that is a natural feeling in relationships sometimes.  Prior to TTC, I was a long distance runner and had just completed my first marathon.  I cut way back, then stopped running when I became pregnant the first time.  After losing our baby, I had to claw my way back up to being able to run 8-10 miles.  In the meantime, my wife was continuing to train and improve and participate in multiple half marathons and triathlons.  I felt very jealous of her then.  I felt like I had given up so much to carry our baby and ended up with no baby at all while she was able to carry on as usual.  I told her how I felt, acknowledged that my feelings of jealousy weren't pretty, and was able to move on.  I know this is different than what you are feeling - but just wanted to let you know that I can relate to feeling jealous of your partner.

As for other people not acknowledging that you too are an expecting mother is really disappointing and unfortunate. Perhaps when people congratulate your partner, you can gently interject and tell the person how excited you both are to become mothers.  If those persons are close to you, I would be more direct and tell them how you feel.  I would also have a direct conversation with your doctors/healthcare practitioners about how you would like to be addressed.  You shouldn't go through the next several months feeling like a bystander.  You are much an expectant mother as is your partner.

Much luck to you! 

healz413

Congratulations! When are you two due?
I'm sorry that you struggled with infertility. My partner and I have been having trouble, too. You can see in my signature some of the details.

As ATX said, I really do recommend talking to your partner about it. You can let her know how excited you are, how grateful you are that she put her body on the line, and how jealous and sad you are all at the same time. My guess is she can feel the jealousy and it will be good to talk it out, even if it is also hard.
I would also recommend some memoirs written by other queer families about their experiences so that you can get a sense of how other people go about it.
In addition to ATX's suggestion about how you might respond to not being congratulates, I would encourage you to talk to your partner about how she can address some of those situations as well.
I don't know if you have any interest in trying this, but if we get my partner pregnant first, I really want to try to do some breast feeding. I know I won't produce enough to sustain the baby, but I'm hoping to produce enough that I can have that special bonding time with the baby. The months of prep I will have do taking things and pumping to prepare would also give me a concrete physical role in the baby journey.
Also, while it won't address things now, my partner and I have discussed doing what a lot of dke parents do after the baby is born, which is that the nonpregnant parent is the one who always carries or wears or pushes the baby in public. Usually the person holding the baby is automatically recognized as a parent in society.
None of these last few suggestions make up for honoring yourself, your feelings, your partner, and your coming child enough to talk about what you're feeling with your partner.
Good luck! I hope you will stick around with us on the board.

Knelson84

Thank you so much for your replies! I will have a chat to her, I know she will understand and I know she already suspects my disappointment in not being the one carrying the baby, especially after so much time, effort and money trying.

Luckily it's no one close who hasn't included me, one was a mother of a friend who caught her throwing up and as we left, she gave me a hug goodbye and then hugged my partner with a congratulations. I was a little in shock and felt a bit silly but now that I'm more prepared, I'll point out that WE are very excited next time.

I have looked into breast feeding and it's something I would like to look into further. I want to do everything I can to bond with our child.


And yes my partner has already said that I get to carry and push the child, only fair as she is carrying baby for 9 months. Lol she really is wonderful and i know she will listen and try to understand.

We are not far along, going on 8 weeks now! So extremely excited to welcome our first child

AmandaG47

Firstly, congratulations mama-to-be!

 I can really empathize with everything you have said.   My wife is also pregnant and I am the "non-gestational mama." It must be really difficult to already find yourself in this role without having the time to process your feelings about it. My wife and I decided long before TTC that she would carry first and I would carry the subsequent children and even with a long time to process all the emotions, it was still really difficult, and parts of the pregnancy are still difficult.  Of course, like I'm sure you feel too, it does not mean I'm any less excited about this baby and I still, in every way, consider it mine.  I agree with others who have posted that said to be gentle on yourself. Your feelings about the way you are becoming a mom (or parent if you identify differently) are completely valid and I think it's so great you are able to acknowledge them and work through them until you feel happy and comfortable.

I feel much more secure now in navigating this path than I did before and I can say that reading through some blogs really really helped me.  One that comes to mind is First Time Second Time (you can read through all their old stuff which is about parenting in a two mom family and being a "non-gestational parent." Their new stuff is mostly around trans issues and if both of you female-identify then it won't be as relevant, but I think I've read every single old post of theirs ) There are others out there as well and I would suggest trying to read through some... it might help to others who have gone through a really similar process.

Also, I wanted to let you know I also feel like the "odd third wheel" when talking to others about expecting.  In fact, with our first pregnancy, we told everyone around Christmas and literally ever female circled around my wife talking about it and didn't even look at me... I ended up surrounded by the guys - the only people to actually congratulate me... it was weird.   I have always been a "baby person" (unlike my wife) so it's really hard for me, like it seems to be for you.  I have talked pretty exhaustively with my wife about how I feel and I feel much more confident this pregnancy with how to handle it, and I also feel like my wife can be more on "my side" and assist in those awkward social interactions. So perhaps after talking to your spouse you can also feel more prepared to deal with the outside world.

Congratulations again and I hope all three of you have a happy and healthy rest of the pregnancy! 

Knelson84

Thank you and I will definitely be taking a look at those forums and have a read. I spoke to my fianc about my feelings and she was wonderful. She made me feel so much better and I know together we will get through it all. Thanks so much for your responses and congratulations, so very excited for our little one to be born!!!

lbugher

I would feel jealous, too, in your situation.  In fact, we're not even pregnant and I already am kind of jealous!  Her cycle is so regular and certain, and I'm willing to bet she'd get pregnant really easily.  Mine is willy-nilly and AF decides to come when it's right for her.  So frustrating.  I can't even schedule my first IUI until my next cycle comes and I'm 15 days late.  DP just started her period and she was like "Right on schedule!"  I am the one who really, really wants the pregnancy experience, and she says she can honestly take it or leave it so she's letting me give it a try first.  But if I can't get pregnant for whatever reason, she's willing to take one for the team.  I don't think I'd go so far as to try IVF (would rather DP carry the kids in that case) but I do want to know what it's like to grow a baby in my body, feel the baby kick, etc. so I have empathy for your situation.

I like what the other ladies suggest (i.e. the non-carrier is the stroller pusher/baby holder in public). Congratulations, though!  Just think how cute it will be to have a little version of your lady running around I'd love for DP to carry a baby, too, if she's willing for our second.

shelly2314

I don't know if I have advice, but I definitely understand where you are coming from. we've only been trying for a little bit, but I have always wanted to get pregnant and have children, M---not so much. I have always had a fear that I wouldn't be able to get pregnant....now that we've tried and it hasn't worked that ups the fear. My MIL has often made comments about letting M carry, but I just can't get on board emotionally. I have wanted, obsessed, researched, dreamed about this for so long that I am not sure I could handle it.

I applaud you for truing to get through it and this board is a great sounding place. On a completely different tune...congrats on the pregnancy and I hope all goes well for you and your partner!

irandaann03

I dont really have any advice, but I think your feelings are normal and exactly how I would feel. so far we plan for me to carry but I have some fertility issues and havent been able to conceive yet. I think I would feel like you do if I couldnt and my partner did.

Knelson84

My god, it feels so good to jump on this forum and see your responses. The understanding, advice and personal experiences you have shared have really helped so much. I was so worried that my feeling would be seen as me not being happy about this baby and that is certainly not the case.

I am so excited and happy and cannot wait to have our little family.

My partner and I had a big chat and there were tears and cuddles and I realized just how difficult this is for her also. She has always struggled with her female identity and to be pregnant and have people be confused as to why she is carrying and not me, has been hard on her. She said that she struggles with the feeling the changes in her body.

It's hard for both of us right now but the beautiful little baby we have waited so long for will be 100000 times worth it.

Thank you again for all you kind words and help. It's so nice to have people who understand. We don't know any lesbian mothers so its so nice. Xxxxx