WWYD/how to handle? Nanny search from @#$ cont.

NicoleWI

We've been looking for a new nanny since late April. I'm leaving my job at the end of the year. After lots of false starts we finally ended up with two good candidates. One was a former worker from DD's infant room at daycare (went until she was 2), who we run into occasionally at church and who had left earlier this year to take a different nanny job. The other was a slightly hippie-ish woman who is changing careers and in transition until she moves this winter.

We did test days but we're in the process of moving and they were kind of crazy with different people in and out, so it was kind of tough to get a good feel. We really liked the hippie girl on the test day, but decided to just hire the person from the daycare b/c we figured she was a "safer" pick, with the daycare experience and the fact that we know her, and another past nanny of ours could be a reference for her.

 So...the daycare lady officially starts on Monday, but she did a fill-in day for us on Weds and came over this a.m.. Hippie girl did a fill-in on Thursday. Well, guess what? We have all sorts of issues with the daycare lady. Meanwhile, hippie girl turned out to be incredible with the kids and they loved her, and she hasn't taken another job yet.

I want what's best for the kids and I don't think the daycare lady is really going to work out, but I feel REALLY bad b/c we sort-of know her and we did officially hire her (no contract or anything was signed). My issues:

• daycare lady seems to need a strict schedule, which we are NOT on, especially not now with the move. She's also interested in activities that "fill time" as she put it.

• Today they were outside and she was just sitting in the garage watching them play. DD was obviously bored and whiny. The other girl played "captain may I?", did chalk drawings, played hopscotch, etc. 
• the really bad one--DH was still home when daycare lady was force-feeding the baby! BAby was screaming (hardly cries--very nice baby!) while she shoveled big spoonfuls of food into her mouth and then gave her the paci, so she had to suck and swallow. WTF??? I was very upset and already did talk to her about NOT doing that. 
• Baby didn't take a bottle all day with daycare lady. When I got home, she showed me the bottle and she hadn't put the filter in it (Born Free). Okay, fine if she didn't know, but why didn't she realize something was wrong and call me if there was milk spilling out all over and baby couldn't drink?? I made it clear that I"m very easy to reach and wanted her to call with any questions, plus I called a few times to check in.
• daycare lady keeps trying to just plop baby in different places (jumperoo, high chair, etc). The other girl automatically carried her around as we do and kept her as part of the group.
  
• Daycare lady fed the baby in the bumpo today on the living room floor b/c Baby didn't want to get in the high chair. Not a huge deal on its own, but I had said, again, that she may not be hungry and that was okay. I don't really want the kids eating on the living room carpet--want to get used to sitting in the right chairs.
• IN the approx. 10 minutes I was talked to her today, daycare lady told me a story about her visits to various psychics, in front of the kids, that was really odd.
• daycare lady also talks about the kids in front of the kids, which I don't like. DD is very smart and perceptive and she picks up on everything. 
  
• The kids clearly prefer the hippie girl b/c "she plays with us and reads us books." 

Basically, I feel like daycare lady is not showing good judgement, isn't really interacting with the kids in a fun and creative way, seems to need a lot of explaining about how to do things (doesn't really get it), and is odd.But, she totally means well and wants this to work and is trying to be very helpful offering to clean and make crock pot meals and stuff (which is sort-of overboard right now, actually).

Hippie girl is awesome with kids (even did some things that I thought were brilliant with crabby kids to deal with tantrums), creative, smart, can keep up with the kids and manage behaviour well, and just seems on the ball.

There's no way I can fire daycare lady without being a total jerk, is there? We will still run into her around town and at a wedding in October. If we decide to fire her anyway, what should I tell her? How much pay should I give her? Help! This has been SO STRESSFUL since April and I had really hoped/thought it was finally settled. Ugh.

TheBorg7of9

You know what you have to do. You can do it.  You are not being a jerk.  You are making the best decision for your family.  You could give daycare lady a week or two of severance if you want. Tell her today if you can, but make sure Hippie can accept first.

EastCoastBride

I would give her 2 weeks pay if you can. As far as to what tosay... That's hard. I wish I had advice. :

IBackBevo

I read the first few paragraphs and then sort of skimmed the rest as it was long, but my general feeling is that you need to do what is best for your kids and for your peace of mind.  I would be honest with "daycare lady" and tell her that while you thought at first glance it was going to work, it just isn't a good fit.  I hope she has not quit another job to accept yours.  Since you have already committed to her, I think the nice thing to do is give her a couple of weeks severance pay and offer to be a reference.

wendyll64

  I would can her.  Forse feeding a baby like that is morethan enough for me- that could get dangerous quickly.  If she acts like that with you around, who knows how she will act with no one watching.

virginiagirl11

wendyll64:

  I would can her.  Forse feeding a baby like that is morethan enough for me- that could get dangerous quickly.  If she acts like that with you around, who knows how she will act with no one watching.

This. That is a 200% dealbreaker for me. Absolutely unacceptable. Let her go as nicely as you can but know that it'll most likely damage your relationship with her and things will probably be awkward when you see her around town. But I'd do it for sure. Between the force-feeding and trying to fill time and talking about the kids in front of them, she sounds awful. 

Mustardseed2007

I read a less detailed version of this the other day. Honestly, force feeding a baby is very dangerous, doubly so if you then stuff the paci in her mouth. This lady s*ucks, who cares if she never speaks to you again? I don't think I would want to ever look at her again, so it'd be better if she steered clear of me in the future.  

boogerbearoriginal

Mustardseed2007:

I read a less detailed version of this the other day. Honestly, force feeding a baby is very dangerous, doubly so if you then stuff the paci in her mouth. This lady s*ucks, who cares if she never speaks to you again? I don't think I would want to ever look at her again, so it'd be better if she steered clear of me in the future.  

ITA. Eff paying her 2wks if you have major problems before she even officially started.  Being nice is fine and dandy until my kids' safety is involved. And force feeding a baby is a major safety issue.

Think of it this way, it will be a LOT easier to say you don't think it's going to work out now and hire the lady you like rather than continue to have problems/be stressed down the road and potentially lose the other candidate.

You don't owe her a job, and if you haven't signed any contract you have no obligation to her at this point. If she cannot take care of your children in a safe/appropriate manner then she is not your caregiver. Be polite and just say after a few test runs you feel it's not a good fit and wish her well.