adoption fundraising? (kind of long)

JuliaH21

DH is a UMC pastor, so we're all moved every few years to different churches. He is an associate pastor at a fairly large church and the family we replaced was roughly our age, a DD exactly the same as DD's age and a son a few years older. They seem like your nice usual young pastor's family. 
Recently they announced plans to adopt a child from a 3rd world country (I don't remember which) and that seemed really cool. DH and I have discussed adopting ourselves and I was a little excited to be able to witness the process beforehand to get some idea of how it might work. Well, it turns out it's pretty expensive (which I assumed) and they're fundraising for the adoption fees. They're selling cakes with little business-type cards with their blog on it and the blog has a place to donate. This just seems weird to me, but I'll admit I don't really have any other experiences so maybe it's not as weird as I think?
I've always viewed adoption as a personal choice you make just like deciding to ttc--you do it because you want to add to your family and you're in a situation where you're able to. 
The blog and usual kind of fundraising stuff is just starting to bother me a little. It's like it isn't about the child so much as it is about them. It's about them doing something good because they're good Christians and they want people to see that--and there are a lot of people singing their praises for that. 
Maybe they're just trying to lead by example since they're a leading family in the church, I've just been very surprised to see something like this. It also makes me wonder if they'll also use the child as some kind of example of their faith rather than treat them like any other family member (which I have seen others do).

So is it weird or is it common for people to raise funds for adoptions?  

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Cara1024

I think it is completely normal to raise money for adoption. International adoption can cost around $40,000. And the chance to help another family give a child a much better shot at life is something I'd be happy to support any day.

vstevens

It is common, but I agree with you that very often the campaigns I've seen / been asked to contribute to focus way more on the family's "good deed", and way less on the child and the child's role in the family.  Maybe it's just a way to improve their results in fundraising, but it definitely makes me uncomfortable.

JuliaH21

Darbie914:

While the intention behind it is good, I find this a bit tacky.  Yes, it is expensive but so are all babies.  Should parents who don't adopt have fundraisers for their own children?  

I feel that if you want to adopt a child, it should be your expense to pay.  Now, if someone OFFERS to pitch in and donate money, that's fine.  But to hold a fundraiser is really off-putting to me. 

This is what I was thinking. I thought it was kind of like throwing yourself a baby shower.

But it does seem less odd to me to hear that it is pretty common. 

LatteLady5

I have been flamed because of this issue before but I will support adoption fundraising. I don't think it's like throwing your own baby shower and just because someone can't afford 40k or more to adopt a child doesn't mean they can't adequately provide for the child.

I also view adoption differently than fertility treatments. I'm not against fertility treatments and I couldn't imagine not being able to have a child but IMO adopting an orphan and creating a new life are not the same thing.

 The family I know that did adoption fundraising just did a small presentation at church explaining how adoption worked. They adopted a special needs child from China and it cost over 40k. While the funded the adoption primarily themselves, they did take donations and we contributed.

It really REALLY bothers me how much adoption costs. We're talking about kids, orphans here who don't have parents and frequently don't have access to nutritious food, clean water, medical care etc.  It shouldn't cost that much to adopt an orphan.

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JuliaH21

LatteLady5:

I have been flamed because of this issue before but I will support adoption fundraising. I don't think it's like throwing your own baby shower and just because someone can't afford 40k or more to adopt a child doesn't mean they can't adequately provide for the child.

I also view adoption differently than fertility treatments. I'm not against fertility treatments and I couldn't imagine not being able to have a child but IMO adopting an orphan and creating a new life are not the same thing.

 The family I know that did adoption fundraising just did a small presentation at church explaining how adoption worked. They adopted a special needs child from China and it cost over 40k. While the funded the adoption primarily themselves, they did take donations and we contributed.

It really REALLY bothers me how much adoption costs. We're talking about kids, orphans here who don't have parents and frequently don't have access to nutritious food, clean water, medical care etc.  It shouldn't cost that much to adopt an orphan.

When I first heard how much adoptions cost, I was very surprised. A family we went to church with years ago adopted 3 girls (not at the same time) from China and it was about $100,000 for each child (they didn't fundraise, which is probably why I was so surprised to see someone do it for the first time). But it has become my understanding that the fees are so much because the childcare is so much at the orphanages (most of my experience comes from this family's adoptions). Is this not the case? Or not always the case? 

rowanthefrog

Adoption fundraising is very common. Its so expensive and a lot of people don't have the 20-30K on hand to pay for it themselves.

 

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nbbride06

I find it uncomfortable personally.  A friend of mine has been through 2 international adoptions (for 3 children) after having 3 bio children and her story has really made me think about adoption in a different light.  If you're interested in adoption, her blog might interest you.  https://scoopingitup.blogspot.com

JuliaH21

nbbride06:

I find it uncomfortable personally.  A friend of mine has been through 2 international adoptions (for 3 children) after having 3 bio children and her story has really made me think about adoption in a different light.  If you're interested in adoption, her blog might interest you.  https://scoopingitup.blogspot.com

Thanks for this, at a glance it looks pretty interesting  

HereWeGo2014

wilburbud:

LatteLady5:

It really REALLY bothers me how much adoption costs. We're talking about kids, orphans here who don't have parents and frequently don't have access to nutritious food, clean water, medical care etc.  It shouldn't cost that much to adopt an orphan.

THIS.

Totally agree!!!  This really makes me sad honestly.

LatteLady5

JuliaH21:

When I first heard how much adoptions cost, I was very surprised. A family we went to church with years ago adopted 3 girls (not at the same time) from China and it was about $100,000 for each child (they didn't fundraise, which is probably why I was so surprised to see someone do it for the first time). But it has become my understanding that the fees are so much because the childcare is so much at the orphanages (most of my experience comes from this family's adoptions). Is this not the case? Or not always the case? 

To be honest, I'm not sure why it costs so much. I know there are cost involved in ensuring the child is being place with an acceptable family. Things like home studies and counseling and such. For international adoptions the airfare and money needed to stay in the country when adopting the child could easily exceed 5k. Many national governments charge you a fee to adopt from their country. I'm sure the legal fees for paperwork and such factor in and of course, agency fees.

I've never heard of it being as high as 100k but I can imagine the agency made a decent profit from those cases.

Also, for domestic adoptions, the adoptive parents usually pay the medical bills for the birth mother and there are no government programs for assisting financially with voluntarily adopted children like there are for kids who end up in the foster system.

I've never adopted and my knowledge on the subject is I'm sure, very limited. I just can't imagine how all the costs involved add up to such high numbers. 

Stella2008

So, I've only come across this once, and it was for a second cousin. I did donate and did not feel uncomfortable at all, because it was very clear from the blog they kept that this fundraising was by no means the full funding source for the adoption & they were super honest about where every dime went. Maybe it's the bean counter in me, but I really appreciated that they kept a running tab of every.single.expense (when I talked about it with her once, she said that she treated it like the ledger of a business, especially since some it was other people's money). Also--they paid for over half of the total costs (they paid around $35k out of their own pockets, and the fundraising netted the rest, around $15k). They had true skin in the game, and would have figured out a way to pay for the rest if the fundraising did not work out.

nbbride06

HereWeGo2014:

wilburbud:

LatteLady5:

It really REALLY bothers me how much adoption costs. We're talking about kids, orphans here who don't have parents and frequently don't have access to nutritious food, clean water, medical care etc.  It shouldn't cost that much to adopt an orphan.

THIS.

Totally agree!!!  This really makes me sad honestly.

We aren't ALWAYS talking about orphans.  Many children (especially in Africa) have parents and families that can't support them.  They are not orphans. 

LatteLady5

nbbride06:

HereWeGo2014:

wilburbud:

LatteLady5:

It really REALLY bothers me how much adoption costs. We're talking about kids, orphans here who don't have parents and frequently don't have access to nutritious food, clean water, medical care etc.  It shouldn't cost that much to adopt an orphan.

THIS.

Totally agree!!!  This really makes me sad honestly.

We aren't ALWAYS talking about orphans.  Many children (especially in Africa) have parents and families that can't support them.  They are not orphans. 

The families I know who have adopted from Africa have all adopted orphans through orphanages. I have two friends who leave today for Uganda to work in an orphanage. They run a non-profit working with orphans and helping fund orphanages all throughout the world. I'm sure I feel so passionate about this because I know so many people who work in this field. I have never heard of adopting kids from parents who can't support them though I'm not contesting it happens. I suppose it's similar to foster children in the states then? Plenty of foster kids have parents their parents just can't or don't take care of them properly. I guess they're not technically orphans but they aren't receiving adequate care. Either way I don't think that's reason for adoption to cost so much. 

nbbride06

There are kids in orphanages that are not there because they don't have parents.  This is unfortunate, but it happens.  I know you meant well, that term is just a pet peeve of mine when talking about adoption.  If you want a good example, you can read my friend's blog (https://scoopingitup.blogspot.com).  Her older girls (sisters from Ethiopia) were adopted from an orphanage but have living parents they still communicate with.  

ETA: Not commenting on cost at all.  You are right, it shouldn't cost so much. 

LatteLady5

nbbride06:

There are kids in orphanages that are not there because they don't have parents.  This is unfortunate, but it happens.  I know you meant well, that term is just a pet peeve of mine when talking about adoption.  If you want a good example, you can read my friend's blog (https://scoopingitup.blogspot.com).  Her older girls (sisters from Ethiopia) were adopted from an orphanage but have living parents they still communicate with.  

Her blog is really neat. I have book marked it for further reading later. (I really need to do my dishes ) I apologize that I overgeneralized and I admit there is still much I can learn on this topic. So you friend has sort of an open adoption? I think that's really interesting and it looks like she incorporates their culture into every day life.

The point I was trying to make was I strongly believe that adoption shouldn't cost nearly what it does and it shouldn't be a business for profit. I understand why people fundraise for adoptions and I don't think it's like throwing your own baby shower or asking for donations to fund a lavish vacation or wedding. Adopting a child in need shouldn't cost 40k. I apologize for offense my misuse of "orphans" caused, it wasn't my intent.

nbbride06

LatteLady5:

nbbride06:

There are kids in orphanages that are not there because they don't have parents.  This is unfortunate, but it happens.  I know you meant well, that term is just a pet peeve of mine when talking about adoption.  If you want a good example, you can read my friend's blog (https://scoopingitup.blogspot.com).  Her older girls (sisters from Ethiopia) were adopted from an orphanage but have living parents they still communicate with.  

Her blog is really neat. I have book marked it for further reading later. (I really need to do my dishes ) I apologize that I overgeneralized and I admit there is still much I can learn on this topic. So you friend has sort of an open adoption? I think that's really interesting and it looks like she incorporates their culture into every day life.

The point I was trying to make was I strongly believe that adoption shouldn't cost nearly what it does and it shouldn't be a business for profit. I understand why people fundraise for adoptions and I don't think it's like throwing your own baby shower or asking for donations to fund a lavish vacation or wedding. Adopting a child in need shouldn't cost 40k. I apologize for offense my misuse of "orphans" caused, it wasn't my intent.

I totally know it wasn't your intent so no apology even necessary  But my friend's blog has really made me think differently about adoption in a lot of ways so now things bug me that probably shouldn't.  Yes, she has a sort of open adoption and wants to live in Ethiopia for awhile someday so her kids can be a part of that culture.  She just has a really cool story when you have time to read the blog (I should be doing dishes now too  She's got 6 kids (3 bio, 3 adopted) and she's 33!!! 

valigrl21

Cara1024:

I think it is completely normal to raise money for adoption. International adoption can cost around $40,000. And the chance to help another family give a child a much better shot at life is something I'd be happy to support any day.

This! 

MountainRose12

You've raised a really thought-provoking topic!  I tend to agree with the distinction between funding a child with unmet needs and funding a couple's desire to adopt.  Both situations merit support, but in my opinion, they are not the same thing. 

My inlaws run a christian-based non-profit that builds and maintains orphanages and women's shelters throughout the developing world.  While it may cost $40K for an international adoption, my inlaws' organization maintains a Children's Home in southern India (providing food, clothing, housing, and education for 60 children) for about $8K annually.  I guess my point is that a primary emphasis on helping children in any adoption fundraising campaign would seem misplaced to me.  You don't need to fund an adoption to help a child. 

But I don't mean to suggest that adoption fundraising doesn't deserve support. I personally prefer when couples emphasize their desire to build or complete their families, as opposed to the neediness of a child.   

sugarland726

For your particular situation, I don't see their selling cakes and whatnot to raise money for adoption any differently than people who have a garage sale, work over time, or get a second job. You're just trying to get more money to achieve your goal, whatever it may be. I don't have any experience with anyone around me adopting, so I can't really speak to anything that has been discussed in this thread. It is unfortunate that it is so expensive to adopt a child.

JuliaH21

MountainRose12:

You've raised a really thought-provoking topic!  I tend to agree with the distinction between funding a child with unmet needs and funding a couple's desire to adopt.  Both situations merit support, but in my opinion, they are not the same thing. 

My inlaws run a christian-based non-profit that builds and maintains orphanages and women's shelters throughout the developing world.  While it may cost $40K for an international adoption, my inlaws' organization maintains a Children's Home in southern India (providing food, clothing, housing, and education for 60 children) for about $8K annually.  I guess my point is that a primary emphasis on helping children in any adoption fundraising campaign would seem misplaced to me.  You don't need to fund an adoption to help a child. 

But I don't mean to suggest that adoption fundraising doesn't deserve support. I personally prefer when couples emphasize their desire to build or complete their families, as opposed to the neediness of a child.   

I think this is a really good line of thought. I agree with there being multiple ways to help children. I also agree with the emphasis being on the desire to build a family.
The 8K/yr is really helpful, too, to give an idea of what cost goes into an orphanage.  

firecracker8

Seeing as my we adopted my son at birth, I might have a different perspective..... Adoption is expensive, and I totally understand why families fundraise. I feel like, if you have a problem with it, just don't donate, but why judge them? Our adoption cost close to $25, that was basically 2 separate checks that we had to write. Our fees were on the low side. So yeah, having a kid is expensive regardless, but, when you adopt, you still have to buy all the same things that a parents of a bio kid does. It adds up, fast. 

My husband and I are very fortunate that we were able to pay for our sons adoption, but in reality, most people do not have that kind accessible to them. They might have it in a 401K or something, but I do feel that it's irresponsible to drain something like that. My parents did give us a very generous amount of money, but we felt that we were in a position to pay for it ourselves and so we did ask anyone to help.

 As far the cost of adoption, there are corrupt agencies out there that make sick because they are running a business and making money off of people during their weakest time. then there are agencies like ours, who truly are not out to make a buck. The process is time consuming and expensive on the agencies side. They had to hire multiple attorneys for us, and they provided endless hours of counseling to our sons birth mother. Because our agency charges a flat fee based on income, they wound up having to make up the difference for our sons adoption because the costs exceeded our fee.  

Lena122

I agree it's common and I actually support the idea of fundraising for an adoption. It's a great way for a community to contribute to adopting without actually having to adopt themselves. Not everyone has the ability/passion/means to adopt and so financial donations is a great way to support those who do.

JuliaH21

MarBee1214:

The worship pastor at my church did this and had amazing support by our church family...they were able to raise all the necessary funds to adopt their child.  I thought it was a great way to go about it especially when it was something they prayed over for years before deciding to go forward with.  Kids do cost alot but I don't think any of us will be paying 40k plus just to birth our children...that's quite a startup fee and I'm happy to help families who want to adopt.  I would much rather pay to support an adoption than see more mothers aborting in fears that the child will never have a family.

Here, it costs about 30K for a pregnancy and birth without complications. I worked with a woman who became unexpectedly pregnant and because her husband was going through cancer treatments, her insurance would not cover the pregnancy. She ended up on bed rest pretty early and I think in total it cost her between 50 and 60K, so while it isn't going to cost most of us that much, it can be very expensive to have a child. I wonder if this is sometimes where some of the adoption fees come from since I think pp mentioned adopters sometimes pay the expecting mother's medical fees when it's inside the states.  

JuliaH21

Lena122:

I agree it's common and I actually support the idea of fundraising for an adoption. It's a great way for a community to contribute to adopting without actually having to adopt themselves. Not everyone has the ability/passion/means to adopt and so financial donations is a great way to support those who do.

I can see this. Personally, I would not be okay with it just because I am a private person. As the pastor's family, I already struggle with church members feeling like they are some how more involved in my family than I want them, or like my family (and home and personal fb page, etc) is some kind of public church property. I would be afraid of dealing with that on an even larger scale because the adoption was such a community event--but this is just me personally. I can think of several families who would welcome the community involvement in the whole adoption and family process.  I can see how community fundraising would mean more to them than just the financial support. 

I had no idea it was a common thing to do and this whole thread has been really interesting and eye opening. 

insertclevername

I have no problem with people that fundraise in order to afford adoption.  When we were seriously considering international adoption when DS was one, the average costs we got from agencies were $40,000-$50,000.