Calling parents on their sh!t

PenelopePond

How much can/do you say to your parents?  Like if they are acting like an idiot, do you call them on it?  If you disagree, do you argue or let it go?  Can you have good conversations without them getting butthurt?

 

Both of my parents need to be called out on a bunch of stuff, but I know it'll never happen. That's not what we do in my family, and that really annoys me. If I said stuff to my mom, she would be super over dramatic and pout for a long time. My dad just pretends nothing was ever said. I sometimes feel like I'm the adult and they are the children.  

kayohh

AndreaR1983:

How much can/do you say to your parents?  Like if they are acting like an idiot, do you call them on it?  If you disagree, do you argue or let it go?  Can you have good conversations without them getting butthurt?

 

Both of my parents need to be called out on a bunch of stuff, but I know it'll never happen. That's not what we do in my family, and that really annoys me. If I said stuff to my mom, she would be super over dramatic and pout for a long time. My dad just pretends nothing was ever said. I sometimes feel like I'm the adult and they are the children.  

 

we deal with this all the time. my MIL watches the baby from time to time during the week. Its like every-time DH or I pick him up.. something happened. Usually DH talks to her (since its easy for him to tell her things then me).

My mom always has weird comments and same with my dad (they usually talk to Nixon and address me "Your mommy needs to bring you over more" (you know because they cant come see us...godforbid that happens) "Your mommy needs to give you a bath"). DH talks to his family and I talk to mine.... and if that doesn't work I say what I need to, and as little as possible, but enough to get the point across

 

Maybe if you cant TALK to them, write a letter or a poem... sounds corny but it has always worked for me 

hmp1

My mom is a huge people pleaser so I really have no clue what her true beliefs are on anything. My Dad and I disagree on so so much that we don't bother discussing anything political related. I am good about biting my tongue if he says something that would usually egg me on. I grew with my Dad and his Dad debating politics in front of me and I hated it so I don't want to do it too much in front of the boys. We had a debate over BSA and yesterday about the Zimmerman trial. Of course, we had very opposite views and neither backed down. We ended because we were not getting anywhere.

Parenting stuff for our kids, I think since we are older parents we don't have a fear of telling our parents what is acceptable. My dad believes in spanking. They did it responsibly and I hardly have any memories of it, but it is not our parenting style. I was very firm that if he spanks my kids, he will not have one on one time with them.

miss50

My mom is an emotional mess.  I only confront on issues that are most important.  For instance, her smoking.  She doesn't smoke in her house or car.  She repainted everything in the house so that she can watch Sage. 

KTC926

We are in the same boat with the IL's. DH needs to tell them exactly how he feels but deep down he knows his mom will over re-act or even worse LIE about everything and his dad will ignore.

 The worst part is we are now experiencing the same things my BIL has been going through 10+ years. Once they moved out things changed. My IL's are only "grandparent's" to my neice and nephew when people are around. Otherwise they don't exist or they are super annoyed the children. It's heartbreaking.

 I don't know your situation but prior to my IL's I would of said I think you could have a good conversation with them without hurt feelings/being ignored but now I don't know. I told DH I think He needs to lay it all out and if they freak out then just be the better person and walk away.

 

MarisaKathleen

I am so very lucky.  My Mom is my best friend.  Sure, we've had disagreements, but we've argued and moved on.  My Dad and I never fought.  Ever actually.  The closest we ever came to arguing about anything was about movie plot lines.  My parents are totally normal people.

My FIL on the other hand.  He's bananas.  DH, and both of my SIL's have called him out on countless things from his inability to respect boundaries, to his drinking, to his oversharing of information and he doesn't give a $hit about it.  He only hears what he wants to and in many ways is the child of the family.  He's also a complete moron, so there's that.

Hyaline

Maybe I just speak a different language on this one, but I rarely feel that I'm the one who gets to decide if someone "needs to be called out."  I'll respectfully disagree with anyone, my parents included--for instance, my mom will often develop strong opinions on political issues based on what she's seen on The Daily Show, and she's usually grossly underinformed, and I'll tell her so--not in a mean "You need to be corrected, lady!" but in a "hey, did you know that XYZ and maybe you should read PDQ?" kind of way.

But true calling someone on the carpet for their actions, beliefs, whatever?  To be honest, if people don't take that kind of thing well, parents or not, I really can't blame them. 

KTC926

Hyaline:

Maybe I just speak a different language on this one, but I rarely feel that I'm the one who gets to decide if someone "needs to be called out."  I'll respectfully disagree with anyone, my parents included--for instance, my mom will often develop strong opinions on political issues based on what she's seen on The Daily Show, and she's usually grossly underinformed, and I'll tell her so--not in a mean "You need to be corrected, lady!" but in a "hey, did you know that XYZ and maybe you should read PDQ?" kind of way.

But true calling someone on the carpet for their actions, beliefs, whatever?  To be honest, if people don't take that kind of thing well, parents or not, I really can't blame them. 

KTC926

Hyaline:

Maybe I just speak a different language on this one, but I rarely feel that I'm the one who gets to decide if someone "needs to be called out."  I'll respectfully disagree with anyone, my parents included--for instance, my mom will often develop strong opinions on political issues based on what she's seen on The Daily Show, and she's usually grossly underinformed, and I'll tell her so--not in a mean "You need to be corrected, lady!" but in a "hey, did you know that XYZ and maybe you should read PDQ?" kind of way.

But true calling someone on the carpet for their actions, beliefs, whatever?  To be honest, if people don't take that kind of thing well, parents or not, I really can't blame them. 

KTC926

Oh Dear I'm done hitting "quote" on TB today.

 

So to what hyaline said:

I agree but in our situation is truely in how they are treating us and my BIL's family. I feel DH needs to bring to light that it's not okay. They are literally trying to pin their son's against eachother. :-/

 Now, if it was based on how on opinions/beliefs I completely understand it would not be a good idea to 'call them out" and expect them to take it kindly.

biggdaddy4605

My mother and stepdad are being complete a$$holes right now!  DD1 was supposed to go to their house (a few blocks away) and play ponies.  Well, that specific day, she had 101.5 degree fever and was throwing up.  I told my mother that and she says, "Oh okay" and hangs up, real nasty.  They are constantly telling us that we need to bring the kids over more, yet they never actually DO anything when we are over.  They decided that DD2's nickname is Walter...ummm no!  She's a little girl, so don't call her that.  I can't tell you how many times I've said to not call her that, but it doesn't sink in.  Now, my stepdad posted on his Facebook page about our state's grandparents visitation rights!  And I've tried calling my mother just about every day this week and she hasn't answered at all.  Ugh!!  Any suggestions???  Btw, my bio father has never met my kids, I think he wants to but I just don't know.  My mother talks sh!t about him all the time and says "He's never going to see my grandkids!"  Grow up already!  Sorry so long!

PenelopePond

In response to Hyaline: I definitely get what you're saying. And you're right. When I think of things to say in my head they aren't sweet suggestions. They're a little harsh.

I meant this question for any and every situation. What brought it on is my mom hired a lawyer to start getting alimony from my dad again. She's acting all big and bad and posting stuff on Facebook about it. I want to tell her it doesn't belong on Facebook, but she would get mad. I also want to remind her of why they got divorced since she's acting all high and mighty [she cheated on my dad with 30 or more men]. The affairs we never talk about and could never talk about because she storms away and shuts down. I just feel like my relationships with them are phony because we can't talk about so much.

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Hyaline

KTC926:

Oh Dear I'm done hitting "quote" on TB today.

 

So to what hyaline said:

I agree but in our situation is truely in how they are treating us and my BIL's family. I feel DH needs to bring to light that it's not okay. They are literally trying to pin their son's against eachother. :-/

 Now, if it was based on how on opinions/beliefs I completely understand it would not be a good idea to 'call them out" and expect them to take it kindly.

See, to me that isn't a call-out--that's (hopefully) a productive conversation.

I guess to me call-out is showing someone up or demonstrating how they're wrong or a dbag or whatever just because you can and you think they deserve it.  Not a conversation that you feel needs to happen to make the family better.

Like I said--I'm probably speaking a different language here