Feel SOOOO lonely......

trompita

Hi everyone.. My name is Carla. I am new here and loved to find a single parent group. I want to express how I feel.. I am a new mom of a beautiful 9 month old baby boy who has me more in love than ever and steals my heart every day. BUT I am a single mother and feel very lonely and sad.. I was married and DEEPLYYYY IN LOVE with my sons father. We were together for 9 yrs. on and off. He has drug and alcohol problems but when he is sober he is the best man ever! so when things got pretty bad with his relapse here in California, he moved back to his country (Argentina) where we thought he would do better. I moved out there with him trying to make a better life and we decided to start a family and got pregnant. I should have known better.. being in his "backyard" things got worse than ever and me being pregnant with all those issues I lost the pregnancy.. then months later, he promised me he was better and he was, so we tried again and to make story short thank God I became pregnant again and we were both very happy and cried and in love and he promised me he would never leave us and he will stay sober.. When I hit my 2 month mark, he relapsed again and we started having the same issues and worse because this time he was not even coming home to sleep, and me having NO ONE in a foreign country felt so desperate! so I decided I was not going to loose this baby and put up with that ANY MORE! so I packed my bags and came back home to America.. with my family.. It was the hardest decision ever!!!! but I needed to save my baby. Since then, I became very depressed and lonely.. living the whole pregnancy alone, without being able to share the beautiful growing belly, the kicks, the cravings, etc. with your partner is very hard and sad.. then the labor, I had a c-section.. then all these months..... I am so THANKFUL for my son, and love him more than my life!!!! HE SAVED ME!!!! but it destroys me that he does not have his dad, and he looks just like him!! and I miss my husband and need him.. it is VERY hard on me to do everything alone.. I live with my mother and stepfather and they are very good to us but they work all the time so I don't see them a lot. I stay home with my son and don't have a car so it gets very lonely and stressful at times.. I have no help and at the end of the day, I am so exhausted and keep wishing I had my husband to share all these beautiful experiences with.. (the sober one of course!!) when I see happy wives with great loving husbands helping them with their babies, I cant help it to feel envious and sad.. I wish I had that! I wish he would have touched the growing belly, MET OUR SON!! cut his umbilical cord, hold him, look at him, change diapers, feed, dress, hear his first word, his first crawl, he is trying to walk now so I find myself just taking millions of pictures alone.. etc etc etc... but at the same time I know I saved our son from a hell of life when he is using and abusing..... I just wish I could relate to someone.. everyone I know has husbands who are "perfect" and help and raise their kids together.. I just feel depressed.. My husband tried contacting us only in the beginning, when our son was born, but when I told him I was not going back to his country, because that is what he wanted, he never called us again and ever since, I don't know if he lives or dies.. I hurt for my son that he does not know what it is to have a father and just wish he could have one... I started my divorce already and he did not want to sign for what I was told. But we have been separated over 1 yr and 1/2 now and I just keep thinking like.. I wonder if we ever cross his mind?.... does he miss us? I mean I know he has never met his son but Im sure he has to think of him... He is 39, I am 27 and yes.... I still love the bastard.... it sucks! Last thing I know, he was even more deep into his addiction, still living with his parents, no job.. yea.. looser.... it hurts but its true... I just can't believe he betrayed me like this and how can he go in life so happy and knowing we have a son that he has never even helped with a drawing of a diaper!! NOTHING!! not even a letter.... it kills me.... and his trash family disappeared as well.. and they have never helped either and they are VERYYYYY wealthy in their country...they are heartless.. its their grandson and they don't care!

Thank you very much for letting me share and I really hope someone out there relates to me or can give me some kind words of advice cuz I feel very sad and cant stop crying and feel very lonely and hopeless..... Thank u!! 

ktedmon

I am so sorry you are going through this. When I unexpectedly became pregnant, I found this group and the women here are amazing. My son's father wants to be involved, but doesn't plan to help financially. He's actually quite proud that he doesn't have to pay child support to me or any of his other baby mommas. He's a loser and a user. i will be doing this on my own as well. I have been going through the pregnancy alone along with the cravings, mood swings, and everything that comes with it. Cry asmuch as you need to. Lord knows I've done enough of it myself lately. I have to deal with depression on top of being pregnant so that's a whole other issue. Feel free to come here to cry, vent, or whatever you need to do. We are all here for you and like I said, the ladies on this particular page are amazing! T & P for you and your LO.

trompita

Thank you so much for your response!! You are very sweet! and I do understand how you feel too. Depression during pregnancy is very hard!! Just please try not to cry so much because the baby feels it! I know its hard but believe me, when you have your baby in your arms, you will regret crying and being so depressed because you will see him/her and wish they did not feel what you felt.. How far along are you? I am here for you too if you ever need to vent or cry or talk : )  you did make me feel better..

ktedmon

I am almost 21 weeksand unfortunately, the depression is something I cannot do much about as I have been dealing with it for years. They just switched my meds when I found out I was pregnant. It's not as good as what I was on prepregnancy, but it's better for the baby so I'm willing to endure it. As for th crying, I try not to, knowing the baby feels it, but I still have my days. Like you, I'm scared and alone, but look forwardd to meeting my little man. I was also going to tell you to look for local mom groups you could join. There is a page on here for local moms. Good luck to you and I would love to talk more. It's helpful knowing you're not the only one going through this.

trompita

Hi ktedmon!

 I agreee on not taking any meds while pregnant.. at least try not to. My dr. wanted me to take some meds because I developed hypermesis because of all my stress, but I have to put up with it,. I did not want to take meds. Yea I am looking at some mommy and me groups. I will sign up for something.. Thank you so much for your response and please take good care of you and your precious little man! Your life will get so much better when you see him and have him! depression will still be there but less.... I will always be here if you need anything! take care.