Terrible attitude and disrespect from almost 4 year old.

theninster

My four year old is having the worst attitude and I feel like there's nothing I can do about it!

 

We have started a zero tolerance for attitude policy. If he starts sassing, talking back or being rude, we put a chair in the corner for time out. He gets 5 minutes in time out, but it doesn't start until he stops throwing a fit. Though sometimes, he'll stop throwing a fit for a minute or two and then let out this blood curdling scream! A 5 minute time out ends up being 20! We've been doing this for a few months now and his attitude hasn't improved at all.

 

He also does this other thing where he'll say something like "Fine! I don't want a bed time story!" So i'll say, ok, no bed time story. Then he'll get all whiney and apologetic and say "please can i have a bedtime story!" Then if he can ask nicely, not whining, i'll say yes. If I mess with his bed time routine he'll have nightmares. I can't stand the double talk anymore! All day, every day it's either  attitude or double talk and I just can't take it anymore! I don't know what to do and my DH doesn't either. We've joked about pre schooler boot camp!

 

Please help me! I'm loosing it over here. 

LoveEeyore

Yeah what Fred said.  I am a fan of nope, try again, and giving the child the option to start the interaction over in a pro-social manner.  But funny story, we just got a puppy and use that obnoxious loud, quick "AEINH" sound when she chews or doesn't follow directions, whatever.  And yesterday I accidentally did it to my nearly-4 DD when she copped an attitude, and IT WORKED.  Much to my hubby's mortification, I am experimenting with that with the kids- it is oddly effective and satisfying- LOL!

LSU628

Welcome to the club. DD argues with EVERYTHING I say. She'll ask me "Mama, what was that sound?" I'll tell her it was X and she'll say no, it is Y. Drives me up the wall. She has also gotten really big into trying to boss DH and I around. We've just been very consistent with discipline, used our sticker chart to reward her for good behaviors, but unfortunately I feel like she has also spent a good bit of time in time out lately. :-(

groovygrl

I love & hate 4 simultaneously for this reason! I love that they are building the skills in communication and thinking to have these arguments and make jokes and pretend things and all of that but when it is used for the dark side, arrrgggghhhhh~!!!!!!

Ready4life

For our DD we time 4 min she is 4, and even if she screams we keep the clock running still. 20 min seems too long. They start forgetting why they are there in the first place. Then after time out is up, we chat about what happened, why she went in timeout. It's a quick chat and hug after. Seems to help. I follow supernanny style. i really like it. but It's also just a tough age I think.

NJLH

attitude and disrespect x2 here

I havent found a suitable discipline lately. I find time outs or taking things away only escalates the fit. 

NicoleWI

Totally normal for the age, and I wonder if you are making it worse w/ the "zero tolerance" and long time outs? I bet he feels very frustrated. They are just GOING to do sassy things at this age and I think it's better to ask them to "try it again" and have them start over more nicely, than to go to automatic time out. I also agree with PP that 20 minutes is way too long. What you are doing is good in theory, but in practice it's clearly not working out. I would do fewer, shorter time outs and see if I could head off some others by trying to work with DS/redirect/whatever, and if his behavior is really defiant only then do a short time out. Also, maybe think about if you could set up a positive discipline system of some sort? Like, he gets stars on a chart if you catch him doing very nice things 5x/day and then he gets...something...at the end of the day and week for doing such a good job with his behavior.

MNgirl326

maybe try turning it around and start pointing out the positive things that the 4 year old does.   I would even get a sticker chart and have something he can earn- even a bunch of small prizes from the dollar section at target.

At first give stickers for everything.  Like go over board.  Wow, you picked up your toys without attitude- here is a sticker.  Woah, you didn't talk back when I gave you  direction, here's another sticker. Wow! you sat in time out with out having a fit, here are 2 stickers.    Like go overboard on the stickers to get by in.  Then gradually pull back on the stickers.  

Often times kids behave how we expect them to, so you are stuck in this rut of thinking  he's being disrectful and naughty, he is going to be.   But if you turn it around and start looking for all the things that he is doing well, and ignoring a lot of the sassy stuff - he most likely will step up to the plate.  

 

Mrs.RockyM

we've started making DD "earn" things, like watching TV or getting an extra bed time story.  It's relatively new (last week or two) so we haven't seen much of an improvement just yet, but when she doesn't get to watch TV or get an extra story there's very little argument, because she knows and understands what she did or didn't do. 

stever

fredalina:

Pretty sure they call this behavior "being four". Fun times.

This.

aglenn

I agree that it's normal for the age.  I try to follow the advice my mom gave me when my brother was making his life's work out of annoying me 24/7 when we were kids and just act like it doesn't bother me.  I think the drama feeds the cycle for DD and if I don't have a big reaction she gets bored and moves on to something else.  If she is really being rude/disrespectful I will do the "try again" thing but if she's just being melodramatic I just refuse to engage.

NewMrs07

When timeouts are overused they start making things worse. 20 minutes is way too long. At 4 yrs old it should be max 4 minutes. And if you're doing several timeouts a day, clearly they are not working. I seldom use them, and when I do it's for something major, like biting someone, not just for a sassy mouth. Sometimes kids that age feel frustrated about being controlled and told what to do all the time. Maybe you can relax your rules a bit or make him feel important by offering choices, like "do you want to wear the blue or red shirt today"? That works wonders for my strong-willed preschooler. There are tough days but it's normal for that age. And limit screen time if you can. My son gets more difficult to deal with after spending too much time with the iPad. Good luck!

NewMrs07

Mrs.RockyM:

we've started making DD "earn" things, like watching TV or getting an extra bed time story.  It's relatively new (last week or two) so we haven't seen much of an improvement just yet, but when she doesn't get to watch TV or get an extra story there's very little argument, because she knows and understands what she did or didn't do. 

 

Yes! I started doing that recently and it has made a huge difference. At this age they finally understand consequences so offering a reward for good behavior or no reward for bad is very effective.