In-laws and spanking (long, but need advice)

LeannFran

So last night DH and I went out with my in-laws. For some background knowledge often his mother makes remarks without thinking and is actually quite ignorant. She has always played the "dumb blonde" role, however at 50 I think the act should be up. His father often sits by and rolls his eyes at his wife but never confronts her.

 So back to last night, FIL was asking us if/when we will spank since he was very inclined to spank for the smallest error children make ((my husbands brother had his last spanking at age 12 because he dusted incorrectly)) I should also add that FIL and MIL used a horse strap on DH and his brother on occasion. ((Disgusting in my opinion)) anyway, FIL was going on how you have to be stern and correct them immediately and there is no time for them to ask why, because there is no negotiation. He then asked if we were going to do time-outs, and before we could answer he looked at us and shook his head no, saying that children do not understand or respond to time-outs. He acted all mighty like he did a great job with his two boys and that spanking is the only way to gain respect and have your kids mind. I should add that, yes DH has become very successful and is making a fine living, but his brother flunked out of college, took 5 years to finish his associates degree and now works in a factory ((there is nothing wrong with factory work or not having your bachelors degree, I'm only emphasizing that their idea of success only worked on one child)) . 

Im very irritated and annoyed with their inclination to give disciplining advice when I very strongly disagree with many of their parenting choices. DH has often said he will not do many of the things his parents did and calls them out often about using the strap and some of their parenting choices. They then get very defensive. Our child will also be their first grandchild, where this will be number 7 for my parents, so I feel like we have to be the ones to set boundaries and hurt feelings since we're paving the way for his brother and sister in law.

My biggest question is, how do we set boundaries and ensure that they do in fact follow them when baby comes? I also fear that FIL may take it upon himself to spank if he sees necessary and not enjoys spoiling and loving on our kids because "they need to mind". Any help is welcome as I'm trying really hard to be positive since I know in my heart that they mean well.  Thanks

am0138

I would kindly let them know you appreciate their advice and concern. However, they've had their time to raise their children, and you would appreciate them letting your husband and yourself raise yours how you see fit. Clarify that you two will be the disciplinarians, and not them.

sept9107bride

I think it would be best to lead by your own example. Do the time outs as needed. Give a little spank if needed. But make sure you stick to your guns and stay consistent with Dh. They will see you are following your plans not theirs. When they give advice I would say thank you and leave it alone....hence as you mentioned they would get defensive. If they spank without your permission...that is a HUGE no noun my book and grounds for a talking to about serious grandparent time restriction. GL!

fwiw I've fought this battle wih my MIL for three years...basically ignores whatever I say. I have noticed that when I stay consistent and confident she has over time accepted it

megngregk

Discipline is a very personal subject. My brother and I were spanked at times/ate soap a time or two, but never anything more than that. DH was spanked, too. I think there's a fine line, and you need to determine what is bestfor your parenting style. Make sure your discipline strategy is made explicitly clear to the JO's, and that anything outside of what you and your DH have decided upon is unacceptable. If the IL's cross the line with your LO, you'll have to figure out how far you're willing to go...not letting them see LO, not letting him/her stay alone at LO's, etc.

Hopefully they respect your limits and it'll never even be an issue.

megngregk

IL's, not JO's. On mobile.

BuckeyeANG

In all honesty I would tell them you aren't interested in hearing their discipline advice.  If they continue to bring it up I would continue to say you will not be discussing the matter with them.  I also wouldn't allow them to babysit my children ever since their methods go against yours and it doesn't sound like they're interested in even hearing your thoughts.

 

Sorry if that's harsh but its your kid and if they're being this pushy/outspoken when you're only a few months pregnant, in my experience its only gonna get worse. 

stoneofthor

I agree with leading by example. We recently started time outs with our 2 year old and we were very vocal about our discipline choices with both my parents and the IL. If DS is misbehaving while we are at their house he gets a time out, so now he has a set spot at each of their houses and they have seen how we handle discipline. So far both sets of gparents seem respectful of our methods but sometimes if I feel my dad is being short or too tough on DS I will not hesitate to step in and politely say how I prefer he handle the situation. A good relationship with their grandson is so important to our parents so I know that they will respect our parenting style even if they don't always agree It's okay to set boundaries with your in laws if they are not willing to respect you as parents.
Sorry, that was really long, hope it helped some.

chelle_chelle5487@hotmail.com

am0138:

I would kindly let them know you appreciate their advice and concern. However, they've had their time to raise their children, and you would appreciate them letting your husband and yourself raise yours how you see fit. Clarify that you two will be the disciplinarians, and not them.

This! 

July1215

BuckeyeANG:

In all honesty I would tell them you aren't interested in hearing their discipline advice.  If they continue to bring it up I would continue to say you will not be discussing the matter with them.  I also wouldn't allow them to babysit my children ever since their methods go against yours and it doesn't sound like they're interested in even hearing your thoughts.

 

Sorry if that's harsh but its your kid and if they're being this pushy/outspoken when you're only a few months pregnant, in my experience its only gonna get worse. 

i tend to agree with this.  I think you are going to have to be very up front with them. They don't seem like the type to take hints and if you don't put your foot down early on the " advice", it will continue. Your FIL seems like a domineering person bet your description and you will have to show that won't fly. 

halfthetree

If you fear he will hit your child, you don't let your child there alone. It is NOT their role to punish your child. I would be infuriated. Raising a child by teaching them to be respectful yet hitting them is lusacris. Look up Janet Lansbury for a great parenting resource. As well, Unconditional Parenting is a wonderful book. We practice wHat has been named Peaceful Parenting, which basically means we respect our children and their emotions, opinions and decisions, all within reason. We talk openly with our son, have never had to resort to physically harming him, nor have we had to yell.
Understanding the developmental stages that your child is currently going through helps tremendously. Look up Erik Erikson and Jean Piaget and their theories of child development, very insightful.
As for the inlaws, they are grandparents, and as such have no vote whatsoever in how your children are raised or disciplined. Explain this to
Them if you have to, they need to know their place and that their unsolicited advice is unwelcome, especially if it involves hitting children.

bellamatson

If my in laws spank my child, they will not be seeing their grand kid period. Doubt they ever would, but that would flip my switch in a bad bad way.

cnwilbur1030

I would just test the waters and talk to them about it now. DD is 14 months and we are just now having to discuss in detail with grandparents of how to discipline her if they are watching her. My FIL is kind of a hard a but completely changed after she was born. And we personally told them they can do distraction and time outs when older but leave the spanking, which will be rare, to us when we get back. The only exception is ok to give a little spank if she does something dangerous like runs into the street after telling her no.

Lenox1975

Wow - this is tough and I'm sorry you are dealing with this.  

I absolutely agree with your stance but to be honest, MH haven't even discussed discipline yet. If I were you I would wait a couple of months and give yourselves time to determine how you will operate. Then I would have a sit down with your inlaws. Say that you respect them however you have very different beliefs on discipline. Explain that for YOU ( you and YH) you will not be physically disciplining.  That this is your child, it's not negotiable and you hope that you will learn to respect this decision.

If they get angry you'll have to say something like "it concerns us how you are responding and if we feel its possible that you undermine us or spank our child we may not feel comfortable leaving him/her alone with you." Try and take the high road and be positive. It sounds like he will get defensive and at the end of the day you want this to work out for everyone.

LeannFran

Thanks ladies, this has really been weighing on me and I'm just dreading when we have to put our foot down, because like some of you stated correctly, they do not take hints. I really appreciate the advice as DH and I sort through how to handle this situation. 

WinsyWade

BuckeyeANG:

In all honesty I would tell them you aren't interested in hearing their discipline advice. nbsp;If they continue to bring it up I would continue to say you will not be discussing the matter with them. nbsp;I also wouldn't allow them to babysit my children ever since their methods go against yours and it doesn't sound like they're interested in even hearing your thoughts.nbsp;Sorry if that's harsh but its your kid and if they're being this pushy/outspoken when you're only a few months pregnant, in my experience its only gonna get worse.nbsp;

I completely agree with this. Because of your inlaws choice of methods to discipline thier children and your FIL's refusal to listen to other points of view, I wouldn't be allowing unsupervised visits.

Beating children with a horse strap for dusting incorrectly is abuse, plain and simple. The only people that should be determining discipline are the child's parents.

forevergraceful

Stephanie185:

If you fear he will hit your child, you don't let your child there alone. It is NOT their role to punish your child. I would be infuriated. Raising a child by teaching them to be respectful yet hitting them is lusacris. Look up Janet Lansbury for a great parenting resource. As well, Unconditional Parenting is a wonderful book. We practice wHat has been named Peaceful Parenting, which basically means we respect our children and their emotions, opinions and decisions, all within reason. We talk openly with our son, have never had to resort to physically harming him, nor have we had to yell. Understanding the developmental stages that your child is currently going through helps tremendously. Look up Erik Erikson and Jean Piaget and their theories of child development, very insightful. As for the inlaws, they are grandparents, and as such have no vote whatsoever in how your children are raised or disciplined. Explain this to Them if you have to, they need to know their place and that their unsolicited advice is unwelcome, especially if it involves hitting children.

I agree with all of this. Also, I would suggest that you and your husband get on the same page on how you will discipline your children (if, you haven't already). That way, you can convey to your in-laws exactly what your boundaries are and what you expect from them as grandparents.  

Armyratt

BuckeyeANG:

In all honesty I would tell them you aren't interested in hearing their discipline advice. nbsp;If they continue to bring it up I would continue to say you will not be discussing the matter with them. nbsp;I also wouldn't allow them to babysit my children ever since their methods go against yours and it doesn't sound like they're interested in even hearing your thoughts.nbsp;Sorry if that's harsh but its your kid and if they're being this pushy/outspoken when you're only a few months pregnant, in my experience its only gonna get worse.nbsp;

Agree 100.

Lena122

H and I will using spanking as a tool for discipline. But if ANYONE other than H or I ever spanks my child that person would likely never see my child alone again. When the time comes set the ground rules and then be sure to follow through.

wiechs22

BuckeyeANG:

In all honesty I would tell them you aren't interested in hearing their discipline advice. nbsp;If they continue to bring it up I would continue to say you will not be discussing the matter with them. nbsp;I also wouldn't allow them to babysit my children ever since their methods go against yours and it doesn't sound like they're interested in even hearing your thoughts.nbsp;Sorry if that's harsh but its your kid and if they're being this pushy/outspoken when you're only a few months pregnant, in my experience its only gonna get worse.nbsp;

This. I would never leave my child alone with them. Just matter of factly say how you have decided to discipline as a family and that's it. You have to chose your battles with in laws, but this one needs to be addressed. Hopefully they'll realize and change their minds so they are able to babysit if they want.

tesskerr

Spanking is illegal in a lot of countries, and considered child abuse, and personally I am against any form of physical punishment. I would read a few books on alternative methods, arm yourself with some good, modern facts, and forgo the spanking of your children all together. If there is a blanket rule that your children will not be spanked by anyone, they may be more willing to accept your stance.

kwilcoxvt

Positive Discipline by Jane Nelson is also a great resource! I am a Montessori Teacher and this is what we use in the classroom with 20 children ages 3 to 6. It is amazing and very effective.

LeannFran

Ladies, thank you for the resources, I will certainly be checking them out! I am a teacher so disciplining without physical punishment and creating a nurturing environment I believe is one of my fortes. I also very closely follow child development and cognitive development. I will certainly keep you all posted about future discussions with the ILs and how it all goes. Thank you again!