My husband made me lie to him.

Geekywife

I love my husband with my whole being, but he made me lie to him on Tuesday.

AF showed so I was bummed and stated that I was feeling upset because I couldn't provide a child for our family. He got upset at me because we are not sure it is my fault. He feels it could be his so there is no reason for me to be so down on myself every time AF comes. He asked me to promise to not take it so personally.

Looking into his eyes and knowing that he just has my best interest in his heart, I couldn't do anything but tell him what he wants to hear. I know that our lack of pregnancy is hurting him as well.

We don't know what is the cause of our not being able to get pregnant because we have decided to pay off debt before spending the money for the tests. So only God knows why we are not pregnant.

I still feel like I am failing at one of the few things I am suppose to be able to do.  As a women I am suppose to be able to have a kid. It is part of the reason I am female and have to deal with periods every month or so. It is nature and I can't do it. I am a failure at the one thing that every living thing on the planet does as soon as it is fed and safe.

It is the ultimate way to tell my husband that I love him - I don't only want to be your wife I want our genetics to be combined and to last longer then we do. I want to be forever combined with you.

I just hope I can hide it better from now on. I don't want him to know that I lied.

gscoville

I understand how your feelings of failure can be overwhelming, we all have them from time to time. But I would suggest that dwelling too much on the 'I can't do what a female is supposed to do' aspect of things is probably not very healthy. I know several couples who have chosen not to have children at all. Are they not worthy human beings? Is the woman in those relationships any less of a woman? What about people who try and never get pregnant, but end up adopting? Technically they haven't done what their bodies were 'biologically meant to do', but does that make them any less of a parent?  

In our lives we come up against so many other instances of our bodies not doing what they're meant to do, like getting sick or contracting a disease, having a faulty heart, etc.  We don't ever think less of a person for having an illness they can't control, why should we think less of ourselves if we can't conceive?  I firmly believe my humanity is not based solely on how well my body parts work, it's all about the good I bring to this world and the relationships I make with family and friends that make the world around me a better place.

chrisnevelyn

I completely understand how you feel.  My DH tells me all the time not to take it personally.  I am blessed already to have a DS and I feel mommy guilt all the time. I want to give him a brother or sister and feel so guilty that it may not happen.  My DH always tells me it's the hand we were dealt and it will work out. I do believe in god and I know he is in charge and has a reason for everything, but it's hard sometimes.  Just try to breathe and take it one day at a time.  Trust me I know how hard that is.  I wish you the best of luck!!!

SunAndRain

Oh, men are funny about feelings that way.  If I had a nickel for everything my DH said to me, "Don't feel...." as if I had control over the way I feel (as opposed to having control over the way I act on those feelings).

Getting some basic testing done might not be so expensive.  What will your health insurance cover?  Maybe having some answers will help you get a more solid plan together even it your finances mean waiting a while to implement.

As for nature, I think it IS a part of nature for some women to have a harder time getting pregnant than others.  Not to sound uncaring, but...population control.  Enter science and medicine and suddenly women trump nature.

As for God, I think He recognizes effort and desire for children.  So I do think He plays a role in this as well.  DH and I didn't use protection for three years before I became pregnant.  After the first year I figured something was wrong but didn't want to pursue infertility treatments at the time.  When I became pregnant three years later, a complete and wonderful suprise, the timing simply couldn't have been better. And I thank God everyday for giving me the opportunity to have those years to myself because due to some unusual circumstances they were absolutely amazing.

That said, I never felt depression or even any profound feelings of sadness over not being able to get pregnant.  DH and I were so busy living our fabulous DINK (i.e. double income no kids) lives....  I think that if you are boardering on depression or are incapable of enjoying your life then it is time to seek medical help.  Either to process your feelings or to get some answers that can at least give you a plan.

Best of luck to you.

hollyweenOR

You're not a failure as a woman. Since you can't create a baby through hard work or force of will, there's nothing to "fail" at. It is ultimately not in our control. We can take steps to improve our odds, but we can't make it happen that's up to nature. And nature isn't fair, sometimes, unfortunately. Does it mean you can't be a mother? Of course not. Does it mean you and your H might not be able to pass along your genes? Possibly. But it doesn't take much to pass along genes. Passing along compassion, kindness, work ethic, inner strength, and the ability to keep your head up and move forward in hard times? Those are the hard parts of parenting that really give something back to the world. And you don't have to be genetically related to do that.