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Blended Families
2chatter
member
Help - Grad Party for SS
2chatter
member
DH and SIL have planned a joint grad party for SS and nephew. It is not local (2 hours away). It is on the July 4th holiday to enable attendence. SS was informed of this (he was asked, actually) two months ago and he and DH have talked about it a lot. He just texted DH to say he is not available until 3 or 4 on the day of the party (the party starts at 2, 2 hours away). He claims he now has to work and just found out. On Father' Day weekend SS volunteered to work extra (he has a very fun job and likes hanging out with his friends) and therefore skipped Father's Day. He did not attend his birthday celebration with us (rescheduled to accomodate him multiple times). He makes it impossible for DH to see him with his "schedule" but happily calls to request cash deposits to his bank account (I am so trying not to be snarky as I type this).
What do we do?
About the party, about gifts, what do we tell DH's family, about any of this. I am so very frustrated. DH is snapping at me because he was on the phone about the house we are buying and SS did not answer when he called him back. Sorry SS bailed dude, that is not my fault.
(other logistics and things I just need to type out: Predicated on these plans, my exh graciously agreed to split the holiday with me as we will be staying overnight out of town and he lives in a motel and has suspended overnights. He even agreed to spend his part of the holiday WHERE THE PARTY WILL BE so I can pick up the girls quickly and easily. So I have to be 2 hours away at the party location to receive my girls.
We were planning to pick up skids on the 3rd. Skids live 1.5 hours away from us. We would leave our house early on the 4th. We have party prep responsibilities. My family is not attending the party because they doubted SS would show up (he sent DH to collect Christmas presents from them, no joke) and did not want to commit to going as it would look bad if they bailed only when SS bailed (ie they would not attend for nephew, who they don't really know, but it's rude in any case to RSVP yes then cancel at the last minute).
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Re: Help - Grad Party for SS
Is the place you are having the event rented for a certain amount of time?
Would it work to focus on the celebration with nephew until the 2 hr late SS gets there?
It sucks all the way around, and it sounds like your DH needs to spell out for him what his expectations are going forward for gifts, family events, etc.
He needs to learn how to approach his boss about obligations. He committed to this a long time ago, he needs to keep his commitments.
I think you keep the party as is, and DH reminds SS of his obligations and make some professional suggestions on how he ask his boss for this time off.
If the boss needs to call and confirm with DH, then your SS should give him his dad's number.
I'd be SO pissed off. This is irresponsible and rude of your SS to do and he needs to know and learn this. If you let him out of it, then I would not throw another party and let the guests decide if they want to give them the present or not.
Tough lesson, but if done right, he'll learn it.
I do think that this is a learning opportunity for SS. The party starts at 2, SS finishes work at 3, so the EARLIEST SS could be there is 5. If he left straight from work. But he will want to go home, shower, etc. So really, more like 6 PM. The wrinkle is SS does not have a vehicle. So DH would have to go pick up SS and drive back out to the lake. Leaving me with three kids, at a lake, trying to decorate for a party while he retrieves the guest of honor who is not even present. Sounds awesome, right? 5-6 hours total for this insanity (because for some reason, these things always always take longer than planned) of driving and meanwhile I will end up in the lake with three kids, and DH will have already driven 3 hours to pick up SD and 2 hours out to the lake in the same 24 hour period. Sure, DH's family is there, but it's not the same. Now I am in the awkward position for hours alone. I don't think DH is inclined to do all that driving, but we will see.
Factor in that DH made a HUGE deal about how I MUST pick up the girls BEFORE the party starts at 2.
And yes, this is embarassing. It is impossible for me to answer the questions DH's family asks "correctly". These are the nicest people in the world and I adore them, they me, but these situations are not fun. If they ask "What happened with SS" and I say "he had to work" I will get dinged for not being disapproving of this for all the reasons you guys list above. If I say "he didn't prioritize this and ended up going to work" I am the witchy smom. How do you guys handle things like that? I think it sounds just as unpleasant for me to refer them to DH, I have tried being all southern about it before, "oh gosh, y'all, it was such a MESS! You will have to ask DH, I think I saw him down by the boat house, you should trot on down there and get the scoop!" and frankly it works, but it's draining. I also hate that they ALWAYS in these situations say something like "Well, you know their mom is crazy. They are just like their mother, even though it is sad." I hate that. I don't buy into that. These children have been afforded many, many opportunities to do the right thing. DH has gotten much better about following through with natural consequences. But still, they in the end get a pass because their mom is BSC.
If your SS doesn't arrange to have someone else work for him, or does not talk to his boss about getting out of work and is going to be a no-show, or dis-respectfully late for the party being thrown in HIS honor, I'd cancel and state that SS will send you all an apology and explanation for his behavior in the near future.
Seriously. This is rude.
How do you handle it? I wouldn't handle it. I'd put it all on SS. I'd simply say, I am terribly sorry for any inconvenience everyone has gone to, but SS will have to explain himself.
DH should make SS write each and every one of them an apology within the week.
By the way, this made me laugh. I remember you X is from Texas, but are you as well? Or are you a Yankee too?
You could always say, "Bless his heart, it turns out SS had to work. And Bless DH's heart, he just couldn't help SS find a way out of it!" And I'm sure you know what "bless your heart" means in Southern speak....
Sounds as tho SS has been allowed to get away with things like this in the past so he is just doing what is accepted. Your DH should have called him back and told him that he better call work and tell them that he CANT work that day ( he should have requested off when the party was planned). He needs to learn responsibility and respect. Sounds like he knows neither.
Oh, and no show at party = no gifts.
Ok, I'm just going to say that everything J suggest sounds like a great plan.
Another option, I know SS doesn't have a car but I would have DH tell him that since his lack of planning is making the day inconvenient that he needs to find a ride to the party and he needs to be there no later than 5. I would also explain that if he just doesn't show up he will be writing an apology letter to each and every one of the people and no gifts will be given to him, due to his rudeness. I would make sure that it is not something that y'all have to do other than say sorry that he isn't there because he knew the plans and didn't plan accordingly. He is about to be thrown into the "real world" and he needs a "real world" lesson. A friend's favorite line is "Lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part." Your DH needs to learn to tell SS this!
I'd just let SS / DH explain everything "oh, I'll let SS tell you the story when he gets here." By explaining / making up a story, you are letting SS off the hook. Telling people how rude and thoughtless he was should be part of his consequences.
Your DH shares responsibility for raising such a rude son. He should remember that if he b*tches about inconvenience or about how thoughtless his son is to him.
I absolutely agree that DH shares responsibility for this. He and SS have a fab relationship as long as DH does nothing that even resembles parenting (DH asking SS if he had made arrangements with work would have set SS off). I am hoping DH is learning from this as well, because honestly, I cannot keep telling him. I hate the way it makes DH blame ME for the bad choices he allows his children to make. The only upside is that DH does not parent the girls or DS the same way he parents skids. At all. It's unreal, the difference. Perhaps because...I am not crazy.
And I am indeed Southern, my ex was foreign. Those sorts of party pleasantries don't come naturally to me; I tend to be very black and white and would just say "he failed to make arrangements with work so he's not here" but those sorts of things go over like a lead balloon.
I like the idea of apology notes. And ITA on gifts, but that would just be too much for DH's family to handle.
DO NOT TAKE HIM GIFTS FROM A PARTY HE CAN NOT BE BOTHERED TO ATTEND. It is tactless and rude and at 18 this lesson is far over due. I would also not expect guests to wait 4 hours for the guest of honor. If he does not show, it needs to become nephew's party.
I agree with all of this. I think from your previous posts that SS has no intention of attending the party, but didn't want to cancel or else he wouldn't get the presents. I think he is already setting it up so he will have to work late or somehow be unable to show up, but will still get gifts since people won't show up empty handed.
UPDATE.
SS does not have to work. He has other plans with his friends. He has "agreed" to come for a few hours in the afternoon and a friend will do the driving. I told DH that is like kicking his family in the teeth - SS will literally show up long enough to collect presents. And he will be permitted to do so by DH and DH's family.
DH spoke to BM and BM's reason for this - and she fully supports this and probably encouraged it - is that SS has to share the party with nephew. We don't all live in the same major city. They are the same age. This makes sense. Instead of finding some family connection in this, BM has told SS and SD their entire lives that they should be singled out - always - and that DH's family doesn't really care about them because they never do things just for them. This means that DH's family loves everyone except SD and SS, who they somehow just tolerate, according to BM. BM used to count the Christmas presents and have total meltdowns over it. SS is apparently also sick of everyone throwing in his face how nephew "has everything and is soo great". I think a huge part of this is that SS was in the bottom 5% of his graduating class and nephew in the top 5%. SS will have to take remedial non-credit classes at a junior college (and has elected to do so bizarrely at the JC near where nephew will be attending a 4 year university that all the men in the family have attended). BM squandered the more than ample CS and voluntary spousal DH paid so no, SS does not have a car. Apparently that is another reason SS "cannot attend the party". So this is just yet another manifestation of having a crazy BM in our lives. Not an excuse for the skids - I have never accepted the nefarious plotting of BM as an excuse for poor behavior - but at least it is making more sense now.
Can I just say I am so over this whole thing? Not a single holiday, event, etc. goes by without BM and skids creating massive drama.
^^This.
Sorry buddy, no party for you. If he's going to act like this party is a huge inconvenience for him, then let him stay home and b!tch when he doesn't get gifts or any sort of acknowledgment. I would wring my kid's neck if they behaved this way.
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That is exactly what I told DH.
This is a horrible example for the other four children; luckily the youngest three are really too young to fully apprehend this and the other one is SD, who is probably already beyond saving regardless.
As SS is not my child and I don't parent him/make parenting decisions where he is concerned, there's really nothing I can do other than be embarassed and try not to quietly smolder.