Parenting question/possibly BF related

Lavender P

I need some input and help from parents of kids around 10 years old. I know there is a board for that, but i love the advice the ladies give here and I'm not sure if some of the behavior is more typical in BF or not. DH and I are not sure what is age appropriate behavior and/or reasonable expectations for SS. We want to provide structure but not have unreasonably high expectations. I looked up stuff online but a lot of it is so vague that it wasn't very helpful. We usually only have SS on the weekends, but when he is with us he showers, brushes his teeth and fixes his bed every morning. He is responsible for keeping his room straightened and for putting his dishes in the sink. He also is responsible with everyone else for helping keep the family room clean. That is it. Should he have more chores? We pay him 5 a weekend for doing those things but are willing to pay more for more chores. Just not sure what is too little/too much.
Also, slightly unrelated but SS still sucks his thumb every time he is sleeping or relaxing on the couch. Is this something he will outgrow or is this is something that needs to be addressed? We've talked about it gently a few times, he is very sensitive, and nothing really came of it. BM tried putting stuff on his thumb, but then he just put a sock on his hand and sucked his thumb through that. I'm scared that he will start going to sleepovers with his friends and will get teased. He also still wets the bed about once every few months, which I thought generally stopped around 67.
Finally, SS is really absentminded and I don't know if that is just his personality or just from his age. For instance, if we do not tell him in explicit instructions what to do, he won't do it. On vacation my sister told the kids to go brush their teeth. My niece went but SS didn't. Later I asked if he brushed and he said no. He didn't think to go brush them even though my sister said something. He also won't change his underwear unless reminded/told to. He will see the other kids eating breakfast but won't ask for anything until someone specifically asks him what he wants to eat. He doesn't put up a fight or anything when we tell him to do certain things, he just won't do anything on his own. I guess my question is if this is typical 10 year old boy behavior or not. Any input is appreciated.

Ndsales

SS is 7 and is the same way. He wont even speak to me unless DH is in the room. Most days I am talking just to talk, because I am not going to give in to his silent treatment. I still ask him what he wants for breakfast, and then give him cereal after a minute of silence.

 

Littlejen22

I think the last part is laziness. Sucking thumb yes he is old but he needs it to soothe himself. If he does not want to quit and he is allowed you won't win the battle but talk to him and don't scold. As for wetting the bed at that age it I a medical concern and he needs to see a doctor.

Nineoceans

I think the last stuff is because he has no structure. When our custody wasn't screwed up we had to teach SS to get in routines. By the end of a month he was making himself breakfast, brushing his teeth and bathing without prompting.

If you're not in the routine you need prompting and reminders to do such basic things. It's actually scary to me there are custodial parents who do not teach their children basic hygiene routines.

For what it's worth now that SS's schedule is messed up we have to remind him again about brushing teeth so it is all easily undone

MrsHetzel

First, he gets 5 bucks a week just for making his bed and cleaning up his own toys?? Wow that is awfully generous. Second, not sure what to tell you about the thumb sucking and bed wetting, that's a behavioral problem and probably a cry for attention and I would address it with his pediatrician. Lastly, my SD is 10 and is lazier than dirt. She wouldn't brush her teeth, change her underwear, etc., if I didn't remind her. And it's not absentmindedness, it's just laziness. And I see it in a lot of kids around her age so I wouldn't stress that part. Just continue to sound like a broken record and one day he'll just start doing it on his own, probably when he gets to middle school and starts wanting to impress girls!

fellesferie

So I want to respond, but I don't know anything about typical 10 year olds. My kid is 8, and I've posted about how we're in the process of having him evaluated. So take my $.02 for exactly what they're worth.

My kids get an allowance ($.50 for every year of life, so DS gets $4 and DD gets $1.50), but it's used solely for the purpose of teaching them about money. They have chores that they must complete (picking up their toys from the living room, keeping their rooms neat, and DS cleans his bathroom weekly) and a list of things they can do to earn extra money.

Since he turned 6, DS has been dressing himself. He picks his clothes for both day time and night time. He dresses appropriately without any help or reminding. He will not brush his teeth unless he's reminded. He will not clean up anything unless he's asked or reminded.

In terms of chores, he has to keep his room picked up. If he and DD play with toys in the living room or kitchen or wherever, they have to pick them up when they're done. DS will make his own breakfast unless he wants something like eggs. He sometimes makes breakfast for dd, too. He cannot aim in the toilet to save his everloving life, so I'll hand him a couple Clorox wipes and have him clean the toilet every other day or so. He cleans his bathroom once a week. 

So I guess the short version is that if it's something he wants, like breakfast, he can do it without being reminded/asked. If it's something he doesn't care about, like brushing his teeth, I have to remind.

As for the absentminded stuff, I really don't know what's normal. 

Lavender P

Thank you all for your comments. I was just nervous that maybe we expected too much from him, but it looks like in some ways he is not nearly doing what other kids his age are. We pay him 10 for basically making his bed for the four or five days we have him a month and the rest of his room is still a mess. He has toys he recived for his birthday months ago that are still in the gift bags and he still hasn't put them away. I know people here talk about what the child's currency is to get them to do stuff and we haven't really figured it out yet. It's not money because he could care less about it. He got over 200 for his birthday from family, put it in his wallet and lost it. It doesn't even matter to him that the money is gone. He will cry if we talk to him about anything to help correct him because he doesn't want to disapoint us, but i really think he just doesn't want to get in trouble. When we have him for more than a weekend we will be in a good routine but then he is gone for two weeks and then we have to start all over again. We try to just keep reminding him of how to behave and what to do repeatedly. I just am not sure it is really doing anything but making us all crazy. I will have DH talk to his pediatrician and see what they say about the bed wetting. Thanks again everyone.

Banana44

My SS is 10 - so I thought I would pipe in.

I can not talk to thumb sucking or bed wetting, I have very little experience with that. 

However, as far as chores I can tell you what we do.

SS has to keep room and play room clean, make bed every morning, sweep kitchen after every dinner, set the table, put his plate in dishwasher, he needs to change his sheets once a week (I launder for him though), he has to empty all trashcans on Thursday evenings and take the trash and recycling to the street, he has to mow the lawn (we have a tractor - he actually loves this chore), and he also is expected to set the table half the nights (4 yo sister sets the other half), and during the school year he has to pack his lunch for school the night before.  I do not pay him an allowance for his chores but he can earn spending money by doing extra (wash my car, watch his sisters for me, weeding, etc)  Other than that we freely give him money when he asks for it as long as he does his chores. 

As far as hygiene - he's the worst.   If I do not tell him to brush his teeth - he won't.  I have to tell him to shower also - I literally tell him he smells, please shower!  On many occasions I'll have to say - did you eat breakfast?  No, go get some.  He has gotten better about getting himself breakfast and lunch and snacks.

I can tell you hygiene issues is age.  Some of his 'lazy' or 'serve me' issues is because at BMs he has no chores and she serves him all his meals.  I know that so I try to be patient and just remind him that I expect more independence.

Hope that helps.