After almost 3 years still trying to find a balance

es6

I am having trouble with my DD(10).  She was an only child for 6 years, then I met DH, dated, got married and then had a baby.  Now she was 3 siblings(DSD 4 DSD 3).  She doesn't mind her baby brother, its just the DSDs(we have full custody as of right now).  My DD loves to come with me to the store, cook with me, everything with me.  Now I try to include everyone.  DD was doing things with me but would get frustrated because the little girls need more help and she felt I was spending more time with them than her.  Every time I go to the store, she asks to come but then one of the little ones asks too and when I say yes to the them, DD decides to stay home. 

I get it, I really do.  DSDs take a lot more of my time, they seek attention where my DD doesn't, its an age thing I think.  My DSDs are always asking questions, getting in trouble, needing help, etc.  I do find that it is getting harder and harder to get any quality time with my DD.  I let her stay up 30 minutes later than the girls(unfortunately, the girls get in and out of bed for much of those 30 minutes) so I can have some time with her.   I feel like an awful parent.  I want to be fair to all the kids but I don't know how to be. 

Anyone have any suggestions?  What have you done to balance out SKs and BKs?

SimpleJane

Try to leave the SK/BK thing out of it. If ANY of the kids were feeling left out or slighted you would want to find a better balance I'm sure. I like the later bedtime thing. Also, some times it is okay to bring just her to the store with you, or the movies with you. You've said the little girls get more attention at home because they need it. That's understandable. Take DD out of the house sometimes and spend some 1 on 1.

es6

Absolutely, if any of the kids felt left out I would do the same thing. She has been through a lot.  She doesn't seem to want to do anything with her sisters.  It makes me feel awful. 

CurlieWhirlie

Where is your husband in all of this, how does he help with the balance? He seems conspicuously absent from your post. It's great that you love your SDs and try to include them in everything, give them attention, etc., but it almost sounds like you're over-compensating by trying to *always* include them. One-on-one time is important, most especially for your 10 year-old (pp is right that soon she will not want to do anything with you, so give her some attention now), but it's also important for the little girls to have it with their dad! And you, too, but you see where I'm going with this ? you shouldn't be trying to figure out this balance thing all by yourself.

Littlejen22

It is ok to say you are running to the store and only taking one of the kids meaning your DD as long as you let the little ones have a turn too. It will take time to get used to if full custody is new but right now you are focused on making things equal and you have to realize fair does not mean everyone gets to do everything all the time. There are things a 10yo can do like make dinner where a 4yo can help do parts but honestly gets in the way more than helps. I would talk to your DH and tell him that some things need to change

es6

DH works nights, so they are with him during the day.  I have them at night.  Fun fun times.  DD pretty much feels completely ignored by DH.  I am so torn with everything.  I know they don't need to go with me every time.  DH never takes the kids anywhere because he can't control them in public(they are 4 and 3 what do you want lol). 

jpearce327

es6:

DH works nights, so they are with him during the day.  I have them at night.  Fun fun times.  DD pretty much feels completely ignored by DH.  I am so torn with everything.  I know they don't need to go with me every time.  DH never takes the kids anywhere because he can't control them in public(they are 4 and 3 what do you want lol). 

 

He never takes the kids anywhere? Ever? Any of them? I would have a discussion about that. Maybe he could start by taking 1 kid somewhere small? Then build up to taking 2 or 3 kids at a time. All 4 would be a lot for anyone, I would admit, but you guys are a family! If he is at home all day with them, he should be able to take them somewhere (anywhere). 

 

I agree with other posters. Take DD out somewhere alone, or maybe with baby brother. Ice cream once a week? If she likes grocery shopping, take her for gd's sake. You get what you need to done, and you can get in some quality time with you. Double-plus good