Fights and anger management

HisChamaoleGirl

SS is visiting for the summer and two weeks of it has been in a summer camp while DH and I were not able to get the time off. DH received a call from the camp that SS got into a fight with three other campers. He wasn't told he needed to be picked up so I just picked him up at the regular scheduled time.

I was given an incident report, but I didn't read it until I heard SS side of the story. SS said that they were standing in line to go into the classroom and the boys ganged up on him and bc they put their hands on him SS put his hands on them back.

I then read the incident report which was marked for fighting and lying. Well it said the story SS said but went further saying that SS admitted he lied and the boys did nothing to him. They were standing in line and the boys bumped into him so he punched one in the face, pushed one down to the ground and kicked the other in their private parts.

On the drive home I asked him why he acted out and he said he didn't know why he did it or why he got so mad other than he was "annoyed" they bumped into him. Then he said "I just have anger issues. Can I take an anger management class?" To me that seemed super random, but he said BM said he needed classes. I asked if he has ever taken a class since he said BM suggested it, but he said "no. she just asks me to calm down."

Obviously DH needs to re-explain self defense to SS and now he wants to talk to BM to see if an anger management class was suggested. And if it was, then why wasn't it brought up to DH and why wasn't it pursued. I don't mean for it to seem like DH is placing blame on her bc he isn't, but medical decisions need to be discussed among the parents. He also wanted to see if she was OK with counseling if he took him during our visit.

I've heard lying is a common issue with kids, but I've never experienced issues before. Then again, maybe I have and just don't know it ...? Any ideas on how to address this mess?

Littlejen22

He does sound like he has major impulse issue. I would remind DH to stay calm and ask BM what is up with SS and his anger. Chances are the class was mentioned by her when she was dealing with an outburst and not by a doctor based on what you said SS said. Good luck. Hopefully you can get to the bottom of why he is angry.

HisChamaoleGirl

Littlejen22:

He does sound like he has major impulse issue. I would remind DH to stay calm and ask BM what is up with SS and his anger. Chances are the class was mentioned by her when she was dealing with an outburst and not by a doctor based on what you said SS said. Good luck. Hopefully you can get to the bottom of why he is angry.

I have seen zero anger outbursts from him this trip so I too am wondering what triggers the anger. I have seen other emotions from him, but not anger. For example, at the mere mention of vegetables he will break down, fall to the floor , and burst into tears. When discussing this with BM she says he would rather starve to death than eat a vegetable. That's a whole different post though.... 

Nineoceans

It struck me that instead of apologizing or being ashamed for his behavior he immediately just says "I have anger problems and need a management class" that subtly shifts the onus of the responsibility to change the behavior to you or at least someone other than himself.

It's a total bonus that he got you asking about his mom which subtly shifted the blame to her. It sounds like this kid avoids consequences by confusing and blame shifting a lot of adults in his life.

Your Dh needs to sit down and have a conversation with him about how disappointed he is in him. "We teach our kids to be leaders not followers which means he protects other kids, not harms them." "How would you feel if your mom or little sister bumped into someone on accident and someone kicked and punched her?" Etc etc

You need to shame the heck out of him and give him a good punishment. He needs to soak up the full consequences of these really bad actions. No blame shifting, full acceptance. I wouldn't even speak with Bm about it bc it happened while he was in your care and these are the consequences when he is with you. Kids need immediate and predictable consequences for THEIR actions. No blaming Bm she didn't kick and punch anyone