Adoptive moms and those of you who are matched

edaire

Hey guys,

My husband and I have been matched with a birth mom since April 3 and she is due October 15. I have a question about how often you were updated by your SW. We found out on May 28 that the baby is a boy yay!. I asked the social worker who was at the apt the other details about the baby weight, length, etc. She did not know any of these things and she said that the BM would sending us a scrapbook with the sonogram pictures and all of that info. Here we are more than a month later and still have no pictures or info. I had to ask the SW when our BM's next apt was, which was June 26. I emailed her after this apt to ask how it went and she never emailed me back. We have heard nothing about our baby our BM in over a month. Is this typical? It really concerns me because I feel like we have put so much into this and all we ask for is a little information. Am I over reacting? What would you do?

orangecupcake

Well I'm not going to be a lot of help, we were only matched for about 4 weeks prior to birth. During that 4 weeks, we got updates maybe 3 times, combination of me calling the sw and the sw calling me.

I would want an update after each appointment at least just to touch base and make sure the baby is on track. Keep trying to contact them for at least a quick update. Good luck.

Dr.Loretta

We were matched after birth, but still, the SW was really only there to facilitate conversation, etc. and let us make some decisions on our own about contact. I'd ask if that's something you can initiate with the e-mom.

As for weight and length, I'm under the impression you don't find out those sorts of things from a u/s. They can give some guesstimates, but they're really just looking for gender and whether the anatomy looks normal.

I'd definitely be pushing for more info, or the ability to talk to the e-mom yourself.

GL

sgb721

Its important for you to form a bond, and I think its important BM knows that you guys are excited and interested in the well being of both her and the baby. I would reach out to the SW again and explain you want to make sure that BM is being supported and she's handling the pregnancy/stress of adoption planning okay. You want to ensure the baby is doing okay as well. I honestly think its fine that your asking after a months gone by.

kgs0505

when we were matched we had direct access to our bm. the caseworker sometimes acted as a go between, but not for everything. for the match that worked out, the baby was already born and we also got immediate access to the birthparents. we even met them at the hospital. it wasn't conducive to have a go between for us then. but again, we have an open adoption.

whatididntkno

I can't speak from experience for this type adoption, but did want to chime in about the appointment. I had my anatomy scan last week- they look at a bunch of stuff (heart, lungs, brain, appendages), take measurements, and looked at the sex. At the end all of the info went in to some kind of database that generated a report saying baby is healthy. They did tell us that our LO is 7 oz but did not mention a length.

Doctor appointments at this point are still pretty infrequent (about once a month), so I don't necessarily think it's weird to go a while without hearing how baby is doing. I do think it is weird that you knew BM had an appointment and your SW did not email back.

mommytoconnor

First congrats on being matched.  In ultrasounds you can only get an estimate of weight and they can't measure length, so I would not be surprise they didn't have that info, don't worry about that.  I know you want as much info as possible, but is it possible that SW is out of office on vacation or something.  I mean her US was the 26th, only a few days ago.  If it were over a week I would be more concerned, but honestly only a few days I would try calling again Monday and ask her to pls call you and at least check in, even if she has no answers for you.

dholsapp

We also had a very open relationship with BM from the beginning. I was at the Dr's appointments with her, but we were also very local to where BM lived. Not sure if you are near the same area as BM or not, but I would guess if you are not close this could be somewhat typical although I would be very anxious also if I hadn't heard anything for a month. Good luck and keep us updated! 

maryoosa

We've been unofficially matched since january and officially since May. We live in the same city as our emom and have been attending appointment with her at her request. So we get all the information directly from her. Our Social worker and agency are fairly useless.

Ginger71

Beyond the initial ppwk. we received when we were matched, we have not been given any info. When we paid our 1st installment to the agency, they sent us medical records including the written notes of the 1st u/s and babies sex. That was in may and bm is due 7/10. 

She has been going to the dr. every wed. for 3 weeks now and I call every thurs. All they keep saying is "she is right on track" and "the baby is healthy" and "everything looks good". Just general stuff. 

I wish we had direct contact with bm. Beyond the medical records, she has no one and I wish I could support her She even wants us with her in the delivery room because there is no one else.

mom2one

I am not a fan of long term matches pre-birth. I think it gives too much time for circumstances to change entirely and for the expectant mom to change her mind. I hope that's not what is happening for you, but I think it's the kind of thing that frequently happens with long matches. :-(

maryoosa

mom2one:

I am not a fan of long term matches pre-birth. I think it gives too much time for circumstances to change entirely and for the expectant mom to change her mind. I hope that's not what is happening for you, but I think it's the kind of thing that frequently happens with long matches. :-(

 

I think this is true and I hope this isn't the case in my own situation, but I also think that it can give you a really good chance to make a solid and comfortable connection with the expectant parents and their families and that comfort level might be helpful if the time for placement comes. 

mom2one

maryoosa:

mom2one:

I am not a fan of long term matches pre-birth. I think it gives too much time for circumstances to change entirely and for the expectant mom to change her mind. I hope that's not what is happening for you, but I think it's the kind of thing that frequently happens with long matches. :-(

 

I think this is true and I hope this isn't the case in my own situation, but I also think that it can give you a really good chance to make a solid and comfortable connection with the expectant parents and their families and that comfort level might be helpful if the time for placement comes. 

 

also true! :-)

plus12012

We were matched in July and DD was born in September. We had a few weeks of getting regular updates from the SW and BM. As we got closer BM withdrew a little bit and we weren't getting updates from sw even though we knew she was at every appointment. We touched base with sw a few times about this and were very nervous that it seemed like communication was shutting down but she reassured us BM just wanted this time and these events for herself but was still positive on going through with the adoption. It was hard but we just had to take a step back and let her have that time.