Am I being childish? please advise...
CavColby1
member
I can certainly handle honesty here... please tell me to chill out if you think this is childish.
background: LO was in daycare until about 9 months old when he got pneumonia and we couldn't keep taking off work so we pulled him out. Now he stays with his grandparents (my in-laws) 2 days a week and his aunt 3 days a week during the school year (I teach).
My LO prefers my FIL over anyone all.the.time. My FIL gives LO anything he wants. LO is 15 months old now. If LO wants to walk up and down the stairs all day... FIL will do it. If LO wants to push buttons on the alarm, FIL lets him. Seriously, whatever he wants, he gets. This really bothers me. It's kind of 2 different issues... it bothers me that LO wants FIL over anyone and that FIL gives him everything he wants. DH has tried talking to FIL about giving him whatever wants but it goes in one ear and out the other. We can't get anywhere with him.
Would it bother you if LO preferred FIL over you?
Do I put LO back in daycare and risk all this illness again and having to take off work when I just began a job in a new county? Or is family best?
Another issue is that LO's behavior is pretty bad... hitting, biting, etc if he doesn't get his way ( I attribute this to FIL)
If you read all of that, please advise... Thanks!!
Re: Am I being childish? please advise...
Your LO can learn that different places/people have different rules. So, he can learn that he can get away with hitting with your FIL, but he can also learn that he cannot get away with it with you. (It takes a lot more persistence, but he can.)
It's a hard call. I don't think that you're wrong to be displeased about how he is being treated with your FIL. But if you don't like the child care that he's getting, it's your responsibility to find somewhere else. Is the care/discipline he is getting there worth the convenience to you? I know it's hard when you feel your job is on the line. There isn't an easy answer, imho. But you might ponder it for a while, and maybe see what other options you have. (Part time nanny or part time daycare, still with the aunt the other 3 days? Flexing your schedule and your husband's? Nanny share with another parent you know? In-home with a SAHM friend?)
And, when push comes to shove, your LO is going to prefer you to anyone.
All of this. Better someone else go up and down the stairs with my kid than me!
OP, I do understand your frustration though. DD was with my parents PT for the first 2 years of her life and DS was with them FT for the first 15 months of his life. Aside from the illness factor a child can learn bad behavior anywhere so that shouldn't really be the deciding factor. Having my parents watch my kids has slowly taught me to really pick my battles. They're pretty good at respecting my no sugar (or at least low sugar) rule but they would let my kids get away with murder if they wanted to. I just make sure that at home my kids know exactly what OUR expectations are and when they're at my parent's house they know all rules go out the window. If I am present when these things happen I do speak up because I don't want them to think that even when I'm there they can get away with things. For example, when DS has a tantrum for wanting something and I'm holding my ground my dad will want to swoop in and give it to him. I tell my dad right then and there that he is to not do that otherwise DS will know he just has to cry to get what he wants. That'll usually stop him. But, if he does this when I'm not present there isn't a whole lot I can do about it.
So, if you're not ok with accepting the fact that as a grandparent they will spoil your child than remove your LO from there and into a DC.
His aunt keeps him at our house, and he is fine. She has no issues, but she doesn't let him do whatever he wants.
We do let him explore, but to me, the steps are dangerous. I see no reason why he needs to play on the steps all day, but maybe I'm weird. What if they both fall down them? I mean, his grandpa is 60 years old.
I appreciate all of the responses and honesty everyone!
eta: I will definitely keep him with family this fall and see how things go. I am thankful to have family that wants to keep him, and treat him well.
Everything Amy said. You need to relax. really. Steps are dangerous. So are blankets, couch cushions, toys, swings, shoes, knives, sidewalk chalk, bubble bath and pretty much everything. Your FIL is right there, it's not like he's roaming freely on the steps alone? It's hard not to worry but to think you're FIL is going to fall with him is a bit nuts. I mean my own kid fell down the steps with ME.
And I think it's a good idea to teach them to walk steps. After mine fell I taught her to do it the right way and there hasn't been an issue since.
I would address the hitting and biting. If gramps is okay with it, fine, but that doesn't mean you have to be.
And 60 isn't that old. Hell, my DCP turns 57 next month and I never thought twice about it.
I am guessing that the real issue here is the jealousy over the "preference" to FIL. Totally understandable. It feels hurtful if your child seems to prefer someone over you. I doubt that it is really about stairs or alarm buttons.
One thing I tell myself is that DD feels so comfortable and secure with me, that she can be herself, which means I get the whole spectrum of behavior. When she is with my mom (who I am convinced she prefers), she is on her best behavior to try to win my mom over.
I think it is nature's way to allow grandparents to spoil their grandchildren. They went through the crap of raising us, so now they get to be the fun caretakers that don't have to be the rule-enforcers that we do.
If there were something truly unsafe or upsetting that would be one thing, but it seems the issues are minor.
I would say your LO is happy to be with FIL, and not to be morbid, but the ILs and our parents won't be around forever, so let them all make happy memories while everyone is still healthy and willing.
Yeah, I originally read it as he was letting him get away with things that weren't safe.
What you describe is GREAT! Your FIL sounds like he's doing a great job helping your son develop. And 60 isn't all that old. There are 60 year olds (and older) who can physically outdo me in many, many, many things, and I'm not terribly out of shape.
Agreed! My dad is over 60 and he can pick up both my kids at the same time and he's not the strongest man on the block. Your FIL knows his body the best. Trust him.
As for the jealousy issue your child is going to get attached to a plethora of people throughout your child's life. But in the end you are the mom, end of story.
I would put LO in daycare. Let FIL spoil him when they visit but not for entire days at a time.
Edit - I interpreted OP as letting the LO do everything that he wants, all day long, which drove my response. My husband does this with DD and it makes her behavior atrocious when we are all together bc she knows if she screams or cries enough, he will react to it. She is completely different with me. If your FIL is encouraging bad behavior to get what LO wants, and wearing FIL out, I would look for other care alternatives.
Yes!! We can't even visit the ILS because LO cries the entire time because FIL is cooking and can't play with him on the stairs. It is very frustrating. We can't go to restaurants with them because FIL likes to walk LO around the restaurant, which I don't allow, so he cries. I'm glad someone does understand my frustration!!
what a foolish idea. Gates are intended so your child doesn't tumble down the stairs while temporarily unsupervised like when you have to go to the bathroom. It doesn't mean kids should never be Allowed to explore. Both my kids were able to go up and down stairs unassisted by 15 months old--even my youngest with a disorder that caused poor muscle tone that had difficulties with gros motor activities like walking. Navigating stairs is a great gross motor activity and good for Los muscles. There is no reason barring any medical conditon a child should not be practicing going up and down stairs supervised at that age-it's actually doing them a great disservice not to do that. Your kid is at greater risk for injury on the drive to grandma and grandpas so if you want to raise your kid in a bubble you probably shouldn't bother leaving the house since that poses a far greater risk than exploring supervised on stairs is.
All I'm getting out of this post at this point is people are upset they're grandparents love their grandkids and want to let them have fun and explore.
Such a bummer I know.
Out of all the grandparent crises in the world this isn't one.
Your kid will love all sorts of people. Somedays more than you. Most days not. Don't take it personal.
And yeah, my 70 year old MIL can milk cows, stack hay and lift bags better than my 23 year old employee...bad back and all. I'm not real worried about her.
First, 60 is not old. My FIL is 74 and watches DD all the time. I am in no way worried about his ability. He bikes (on a bicycle, not a motorcycle) 100+ miles per week and can kick my butt on the ski slopes.
Second, I live in a 3-story loft. My kid is up and down the stairs all day. Stairs aren't scary at our house, they are an integral part of our day.
Third, toddlers can be very, um, expressive, when they don't get their way. If it's not hitting and biting, it's throwing themselves onto the floor and screaming.
And no, it would not bother me if my LO preferred my FIL to me. I would be thrilled because it would mean when we were visiting I could get some down time.
If your FIL is giving your kid candy all the time or doing things that are actually dangerous (going up and down the stairs does not fit into this category), then you should absolutely be concerned. What it sounds like, though, is that your FIL is engaging with your LO in a way that no one else does and he's loving it. Your description about the restaurant fits into this - what toddler wants to sit at a table when there's a whole restaurant to explore? With people! And things to see!