My Hijacked Event

MzCurnett8886

Originally I was supposed to have 2showers, one for family thrown by SIL and then my sisters were throwing a coed/pool party shower for friends and church family. My IL's decided they couldn't afford a shower, driving out to meet the baby at the hospital and then DH's homecoming party a month later (which has turned into a family reunion since his aunt's family moved back from AZ) that I was hosting so they wanted to combine a baby shower/meet the baby/homecoming potluck.

DH and I both stated that we felt uncomfortable with this idea because we had friends invited that were invited to the other shower, it was a potluck, and it was several weeks after LO's arrival so it wasn't really a shower, it didn't fit into the feel we wanted for his deployment homecoming. If they couldn't afford a shower anymore that was okay, thank you for the offer and we don't want them put out. They said okay, and we thought the issue had been resolved.  

Fast Forward a couple weeks and BFF texts me about an email she got from SIL. BFF was invited to that shower because of her school schedule and said that she was told that the shower date has been moved! It's now a 'surprise shower' at DH's homecoming party!

I don't know what to do, DH and I said we didn't this as a shower for several reasons. I'm not supposed to know, although I don't know how that would work because my family and I would be at the hall early to set up. Should I talk to SIL about this or cringe and bear it? They obviously didn't listen so I don't know how if they would the 2nd time either.

MzCurnett8886

msspeedymarie:

Ok, first off - is SIL your brother's wife, or your H's sister? I'm guessing your brother's wife, because you said your ILs couldn't afford to throw/attend a shower?

Sounds like you need to talk to your SIL. Did your ILs go behind your back and go to her and ask her to change her event? If so, that is pretty crappy.

They don't have a right to hijack the event you are throwing, and make that into a shower - it makes it look like YOU are throwing your own shower, which I'm sure is not what you want.

Start by talking to your SIL - explain the problems and why you are upset. See what motivated her to go along with your ILs and move things.

She's DH's sister. I can't really get him to talk to her because of his deployment. So those that are trying to throw this are DH's family. My sisters are throwing one for my side. Since it's supposed to be a 'surprise' I don't know if I should step in on a gift even though it would make me look gift grabby and tacky  if I don't.

BlondieBia21

My jaw dropped while reading this, I'd be upset. I think you need to talk to SIL and just say that someone mentioned it to you, don't tell her who though. If she says "it was supposed to be a surprise" just say that she didn't realize that and it came up. Tell her you appreciate the offer but you don't want to make the day about "you" and that the day is supposed to be all about your H. Yes, the baby is his and so it'd technically be about you, but just explain it's not the time for gifts. It's a time for celebrating the family and your H for standing up for our country and being a great H and dad at the same time. 

Overall, I would definitely tell her no. I think that it would confuse a lot of people, too on what kind of event they are really invited to. You want the focus to be on H (from what I understand) and that's that. I know it's not proper etiquette to turn down a shower, but I feel like they are doing the "shower" for them, not for you. 

amandarins

This is awful. If I was throwing a party to celebrate someone else, I'd be so pissed if the event that I hosted was turned into a "surprise" shower for me. I'd tell SIL you got wind of it and its not appropriate to take the attention from DH at his party. 

Aurora317

msspeedymarie:

MrsLee04:

I'd probably hijack it right back.  Send a mass email to all invited, copy in SIL and the ILs, and say something like "Dear guests, there has been a misunderstanding with the upcoming homecoming party for DH.  There will be no baby shower, just the homecoming party to celebrate his safe return.  Thanks and can't wait to have you join us in welcoming him home!"  Obviously since they didn't listen the 1st time they probably won't if it's repeated, so take back control.

If talking to SIL doesn't work, I'd have to say this is the best tactic. At the very least, make it clear that you had nothing to do with any shower.

Yup, all of this. Try to talk to your SIL, explain that the party is for your H and you thought you had already explained how/why this was inappropriate. If she doesn't listen (and I'm guessing she won't) then send the email out to everyone letting them know it is NOT a shower, just an event for the entire family to celebrate the safe return of your deployed husband.  

mrsmcdonald

Aurora317:

msspeedymarie:

MrsLee04:

I'd probably hijack it right back.  Send a mass email to all invited, copy in SIL and the ILs, and say something like "Dear guests, there has been a misunderstanding with the upcoming homecoming party for DH.  There will be no baby shower, just the homecoming party to celebrate his safe return.  Thanks and can't wait to have you join us in welcoming him home!"  Obviously since they didn't listen the 1st time they probably won't if it's repeated, so take back control.

If talking to SIL doesn't work, I'd have to say this is the best tactic. At the very least, make it clear that you had nothing to do with any shower.

Yup, all of this. Try to talk to your SIL, explain that the party is for your H and you thought you had already explained how/why this was inappropriate. If she doesn't listen (and I'm guessing she won't) then send the email out to everyone letting them know it is NOT a shower, just an event for the entire family to celebrate the safe return of your deployed husband.  

I agree with everyone else - your ILs sound like a piece of work. Ugh. I know you've put a lot of thought into your husband's deployment party/family reunion. It stinks you have to worry about this. I would have no problem sending an email out, if SIL didn't listen to you.

notkateanymore

MrsLee04:

I'd probably hijack it right back.  Send a mass email to all invited, copy in SIL and the ILs, and say something like "Dear guests, there has been a misunderstanding with the upcoming homecoming party for DH.  There will be no baby shower, just the homecoming party to celebrate his safe return.  Thanks and can't wait to have you join us in welcoming him home!"  Obviously since they didn't listen the 1st time they probably won't if it's repeated, so take back control.

Yes and I would be LIVID. Like I'm angry for you right now. WTF are they thinking? Ugh. I would call SIL and MIL and tell them absolutely in no form or fashion will there be a shower at your DH's homecoming party that you are hosting.  

Nicolewinsbingo

I agree with the previous advice.  How confusing would that be for guests?  "Come to our homecoming party/family reunion/potluck/surprise baby shower!"  Lol.

I think your ILs are being super annoying and needed to just take you at your word when you said you didn't want this to be a baby shower.  I think the family reunion aspect will make a lovely homecoming and it should really be about your DH at this party, not all about the new baby.