Negativity

lydsyjane

First off, I'll just say that I'm a FTM planning a natural water birth in a hospital.
Lately I've been getting a LOT of negativity from other people that have had kids. They're basically saying I can't do this, and I don't know what I'm getting myself into, etc. The reaction is always "oh, you'll never be able to", and some people actually laugh at me for my plan to go drug free.
I realize that I'm a FTM and no, I DON'T know exactly how it is, but this is something that is extremely important to me. I whole heartedly believe that our bodies are made to do this, and to embrace L&D the way God intended. Also, my Mother gave birth 11 times naturally and she survived! If she can do it, so can I.

Have you come across this, too? If so, how do you handle it? What are your responses to the skeptics? I'm just getting a little frustrated at all the negativity.

MrsBigTime

I stopped talking about it with anyone who hadn't done it and had a positive experience themself. I think you should only discuss it with people who will make you feel capable, strong, brave and excited. Most people are super negative and you don't need their energy to rub off on you!

*LrCg*

I've found people are negative because they are insecure with their choices. Trust yourself. Like pp said don't talk about it with people who won't be positive. Like any situation if you go in negative that's what you get. Of course you can do it, your body was designed for it.

SarahinMD

So chances are they had medicated birth so they haven't DONE it themselves either. I just didn't discuss my plans with people and if it came up, I'd say, well, my mom did it 4 times so I'm sure I can. If I wanted to do a marathon I'd want to get advice from people who'd successfully completed one, right? Prob. Not someone who'd not completed and certainly not someone who'd never tried.

michnfrankstake2

Don't share it with pple who haven't done it. Anyone who has done it will be supportive. I can't imagine that a mom who has gone med free would discourage you...

michnfrankstake2

SarahinMD:

So chances are they had medicated birth so they haven't DONE it themselves either. I just didn't discuss my plans with people and if it came up, I'd say, well, my mom did it 4 times so I'm sure I can. If I wanted to do a marathon I'd want to get advice from people who'd successfully completed one, right? Prob. Not someone who'd not completed and certainly not someone who'd never tried.[/quote

I've done two marathons and would never discourage someone from trying!!!

kellmw05

My mw told me its 40 percent pain and 60 percent mental, she also said if you surround yourself with people who think you can do it naturally you're more likely to do it. Don't let the negative Nancy's get you down! Prove the haters wrong! That's my goal, to go back to all those that said I can't and show them I did!

vcabbyw

I know it's hard because is so exciting but don't talk to anyone who is not going to be supportive. The people that want to scare me or mock me, don't get to talk to me about it. Plain, simple.

But I do have a few friends who have done it, and have had really encouraging talks. Some of them are actually friends moms. I do think its important to find someone who you find encouraging. I actually found a friends mom who gave birth naturally
3 times, breastfed exclusively and helped do fundraising to start a birth center. She has been such an inspiration!

lydsyjane

Wow, thanks ladies! This is great.
And that's a good idea to maybe keep my birth plan on the DL to those that are negative. I will definitely keep that in mind. That being said, I can't wait to prove them wrong and rock my LD!

kathleen02

Just don't talk about it with most people. Good friends and family sure, but only if they ask, and if they give you grief then drop it completely and don't bring it up again.

Labor can vary from person to person and even the individual. I honestly think that not one labor/birth is the same. Some are much more painful than others, while some are not as intense. People who have had those traumatic experiences will most likely be more vocal about it.

I remember last year before I had my tonsils out, I kept hearing all these horror stories from friends and coworkers how it went for them...yet very few that didn't involve lots of pain. Turns out I had one of those horror story experiences. You just don't know. Also, because your mother had eleven med-free births doesn't necessarily mean that that will happen for you. I hope it does since it's what you want but I come from a line of females that have very quick "easy" births, and I got stuck laboring for nearly two days. Plan and do your research...keep the negative nancies at bay, and be open to what may or may not happen during your labor and birth.

A37licia

I'm with you with regard to confidence that it can be done (and have done it).  Who knows the reasons other women are negative - maybe they wish they'd been "strong enough" to do it (I put it in quotes because I don't believe NCB is some super human thing that only some people can do). 

It's hard to have a kind response, which I believe is usually in order with a few exceptions.  I think in the past I've just said, "Well, we'll see, it's a pretty basic process" or something like that. 

ridedatbike

thinking logically always helps me

you wouldnt want to unnecessarily put you or your lo in danger would you?

unnecessary interventions are just that.  Ill be honest i totally use that opportunity to tell them all the reasons its better [not just as good but better] for baby and i.  [Not that any mom shoudl feel guilty, i hate that i have to put this disclaimer but in todays day and age you have to, we make decisions based on the best informatino we have and thats not something to feel guilty about]

I read this wonderful article today about how conditioned our society is to believing that birth isnt natural.  we dont need help eating walking having sex or any other natural bodily function so why is it apparently so bizarre to birth without assistance.

the epidural was invented in the 1930s.  thats relatively recent.  what do they expect women did before pain management was available?  clearly its not impossible.   

hislitlprincess

This is my mother. 100%. She laughs at the fact that I think I can do this. She is actually not allowed to be at my birth because of her negativity. She also doesn't believe my midwife is a "real doctor". Like I'm visiting a witch doctor from the barn or something. I had her watch The Business of Being Born, which is my favorite documentary, but no go. Like PP, I stopped discussing it and am really reluctant to answer questions since my answers are usually knocked down since I'm a FTM. 

 

 

TKtravels

Sorry you're encountering so much negativity. 

I'm not sharing my plans with anyone unless I already know that they share a similar outlook and/or will be supportive.   

provwife

This is posted on this board at least once a week...people ALWAYS feel theyhave to say this to FTMs planning on going natural. It's really annoying.
Here's my theory..women like to relate labor to "pain" and go into it with the fear of pain which is contributed to by the type of women you have mentioned. They then say, "oh, well I am just going to get an epidural" and then do zero research past that because they solely rely on the drugs...they feel their plan is complete. What they don't realize is all that they will be missing out on for themselves and for their baby. And they also don't realize what risks they are taking on from this. And because they don't understand the natural process, they can't understand why someone would put themselves through "pain" when they don't need to..what they don't know is how much your labor, your body and baby will benefit from going drug free.
Just remember, your body is made for this. You and your baby will benefit greatly from going natural and med free. Labor and child birth is NOT a medical emergency like 90 percent of America likes to believe it is...Don't let these women discourage you...easier said then done..but just know you are doing what is best for you and your baby! Good luck!!

EDITED: typos

shiway

I had the same experience the first time. I didn't have a super strong reason even to begin with why I wante a natural birth and was so surprised at the response I got from people. Mostly it's ignorance. If you are not mentally and physically prepared and you don't have the support it would be extremely difficult to labor naturally. And most people dont know many other people that have successfully had a natural birth. So just think of yourself being a positive experience to other mamas. I had a friend that decided to go all natural her second an told me she could do it if I was there. And SHE DID!!! SHe would never had had the idea or the support if I hadn't done it first. Be a positive example. You are exactly right! Your body is made to give birth. Learn as much about labor and birthing and have good support for a natural birth, your partner, doula, birth facility, care provider!! It all matters!

vcabbyw

ridedatbike:

I read this wonderful article today about how conditioned our society is to believing that birth isnt natural.  we dont need help eating walking having sex or any other natural bodily function so why is it apparently so bizarre to birth without assistance. 

 

I would love to read this article! 

Zulixx

I'm getting a lot of that as well. I'm a FTM and I've never been a fan of medicine and I'm confident in my ability to do this. I have absolutely no fear of labor or delivery and I'm getting really frustrated when people tell me that I won't be able to handle it. I tell just tell them that they don't know me, my willpower, pain thresh hold or my body and they can keep their opinions to themselves. I tell them yes, I know what I'm getting into and I've done the research and made the decision that this was right for me. If they are really adamant or rude, I tell them I'm sorry they couldn't handle it but that I have the will power to do it and a plan in place.

BrideNamedMeg

lydsyjane:

Wow, thanks ladies! This is great. And that's a good idea to maybe keep my birth plan on the DL to those that are negative. I will definitely keep that in mind. That being said, I can't wait to prove them wrong and rock my LD!

Just be mindful that things don't always go as planned and your birth experience may not be exactly what you want.  I know a lot of women who wanted a natural birth and really got let down when things didn't end up going that way.

Natural birth was very important to me and like you, I felt like my body was capable of it.  Going into the birth I knew I did everything in my power to have a successful natural birth, but I accepted that there were elements of birth outside of my control and that those things might prevent me from getting the experience I wanted.  My DD was born in a hospital (very NB friendly) and I had an amazing med free birth.  For DS, we took it one step further and planned on having him at home.  His birth was a lot harder than DD's (posterior presentation) but I was still able to get through.  

I'm not trying to be a downer or anything!  It's definitely possible to have a natural birth (I don't understand people who say otherwise!!) but being in a place where you can accept another outcome will get rid of the guilt that some people have when they end up with meds or interventions

 

edavenport86

I was literally just talking to my boyfriend about this. My OB, our friend who is a doula and him are the only ones who didn't look at me like I was insane for wanting a natural birth. I know I can do it, and the most important people involved in the birth believe I can do it, and that's all that matters :

Ardmhs83

Like other people have said, try to keep yourself away from the negative people. I had a c section with my DS and am planning a natural VBAC for baby 2. I've heard negative things too and I know that people think I can't do it, but I'm a very strong headed person and most of the time when my mind is set on something...it is set! I know my body was made to do this!
Is still get nervous and worried at times myself, but I think that comes from my previous c section.
So just keep strong and keep yourself around positive people and man...call your momma when you are feeling down...she can help for sure!!!
Good luck!

abirdd9

When I was at your level of frustration, I simply stopped talking to anyone about it. We chose to have our daughter in the hospital with a midwife. Anything but natural and med-free was never an option for me because I know that giving birth is what my body is designed by God to do. Our future children will be born at home and I don't plan on telling our families about it until after the fact because I'm not interested in any negativity or doubt they feel about it.

I found it helpful to explain to people who doubted me that I believe in my body's ability and that I trust nature. 

Weljadraak

I know exactly what you are talking about.  It feels like I'm getting beat down every time the topic comes up.  No one supports my decision except me and my BF.  A lot of PPs are suggesting to not talk about it with people, which is what I've pretty much resorted to as well.  However, that still sucks because this is such an anxious time that I want to talk about it.  It's sad that we, myself included, have learned to not talk about it.  Stay confident about your decision (as will I)! Also, loved the post because I coincidentally came here today with this thought in mind.   

annabelle.27

I am so torn on this phenomenon. I am sure women speak like this in part because our society does not talk much about birth. Women, by and large, walk into labour unsure of what to expect and are blindsided by what they experience. Enter in begging for the drugs, feeling sweet relief, and a sense of skepticism and pity when they later meet women who plan to go drug-free. I do believe the women who are telling these stories do so from a good place, a place of trying to save you from having to experience what they did. That being said, the solution is to talk more openly about natural birth, while still respecting that not all women will choose to go that route no matter how well supported or educated, and that all.birth choices are valid.


Anywho, I say this because I do understand where they are coming from, but you need to do what is best for you. Continue to educate yourself aboit your options and don't let others sway you.

rooftop

Just realize a lot of those reponses are based on their own fears and insecurities. If you want a natural birth than you CAN do it. Just be sure your confident in yourself and your reasons and ignore the nay sayers. You can do it!

momof2buggs

People speak from a place of ignorance most times, and you just have to choose carefully who you share your plans with. There are many women out there who have had negative experiences, and most of them are bitter about it, in my experience. So just educate yourself, and be prepared as much as you can. I won't lie, unmedicated birth is the most painful thing I have ever experienced, but it is also amazing and empowering! I tend to have a very low tolerance for pain, and I was able to get through it two times with no intervention. I'm sure you can do it!

zenjenjen

Yes, I have also come across these types.  It actually makes me all the more determined to follow through with a natural birth plan.  Call me stubborn, but I want to prove them wrong!

 

 

ABMomofBBx3

@lydsyjane -- I had to stop talking about it with people.  I didn't want/need to hear their laughing at my choice, their reasons why I should not even bother trying (I can't tell you how much of a rage I get when I hear the whole "Hero Cookie" speech), or the horrible home birth/natural birth a friend of a cousins sisters brothers wife had.  Be confident in yourself and your body.  You were designed for this and you CAN do it!  Good luck

Singer987

hislitlprincess said:

This is my mother. 100%. She laughs at the fact that I think I can do this. She is actually not allowed to be at my birth because of her negativity. She also doesn't believe my midwife is a "real doctor". Like I'm visiting a witch doctor from the barn or something. I had her watch The Business of Being Born, which is my favorite documentary, but no go. Like PP, I stopped discussing it and am really reluctant to answer questions since my answers are usually knocked down since I'm a FTM. 

 

 

Sounds like my mom AND dad. I told my mom recently that I don't want her at the birth because she is so unsupportive of using a midwife and wanting natural. She is currently not talking to me. Really nice since I am due in 2 weeks.