Irritated w/In-Laws..

mamezcua9015

Lately I have been annoyed w/my MIL, she calls my husband to ask him for favors but doesn't ask how the baby is going. I feel that as a grandma she should at least care to ask how her grand baby is doing. I know that she just puts up with me because I am her son's wife. When we told his family the news, I didn't want to be there. Only one of the SIL and BIL were happy for us, the rest were surprise we were expecting so quick, we have just been married for a couple of months. I can't stand my MIL. This weekend we are going to a family dinner, I don't know how I will get through it, without giving an obvious expression that I don't want to be in the same room with her. I asked my husband if it bothered him that his family wasn't very caring or supporting over our pregnancy, he said no, because he has a whole new family and friends that do. Do any of you ladies have similar issues? I know how lucky I am to have a very supportive husband, but I can't help getting bothered by it.

peanutmuse

Without further information, I have to be honest and say that it sounds like you are overreacting. The world does not revolve around you and the baby, and I think it's absolutely unnecessary that she ask you about the baby every time she calls.

I mean, I have an annoying MIL too. And I can understand the feeling that she only puts up with you because you married her son. I think my MIL feels the same way, but it doesn't bother me because I pretty much feel the same way about her. My family is definitely more supportive than his, but who cares? That's pretty much how life is.

If you can't pull yourself together and be polite and respectful about having dinner with his family, I would say that you are being quite immature.

growingmybun

Perhaps your situation is different, but my in laws were pretty hands off when I was pregnant with my son, but they are amazing grandparents.  I would offer that it might feel awkward for them to ask a lot because you are not their daughter and pregnancy is kind of personal/intimate.  It may be something else, but just offering a thought.

TNgoldengirl

I'm verryy irritated with mine, usually. It sucks because she's great to us.. does everything for us that we need and is a wonderful grandma. But like we told her we weren't telling everyone our news yet, we just told the aunts and great-grandparents we eat Sunday dinner with every week. And then, the next Sunday the whole other side of the family was there, that are distant cousins and such. She walks up to EVERYONE and tells them we are expecting, like it's her news to share. Then yesterday she said.. y'all need to tell the other grandparents because they are going to find out!! THEN, she feeds my child the most artificial, processed crap snow cone when she good and well knows I have a problem with it. She saw me side-eyeing the ingredients on the bottle and then offered her more. Crap like that makes my blood boil. 

Also, part of it is just that I've always been overwhelmed by her. My mom, on the other hand, has only seen my daughter a handful of times because she's always sick, depressed, working, doesn't care, whatever. She hasn't been involved much in my life for the past 10ish years. So then I have MiL, who lost her husband a couple years ago, who we are her whole life. We see her 4 times a week it seems, so it's hard to have a balance. 

peanutmuse

TNgoldengirl:

Friend, it sounds like you need to have your MIL babysit once or twice a month so you and your husband can have date nights. (as per your post last night? the night before?) Your MIL can have grandma duty that she so clearly wants, and you can get the time away you need.

mamezcua9015

growingmybun:

Perhaps your situation is different, but my in laws were pretty hands off when I was pregnant with my son, but they are amazing grandparents. nbsp;I would offer that it might feel awkward for them to ask a lot because you are not their daughter and pregnancy is kind of personal/intimate. nbsp;It may be something else, but just offering a thought.

Thank you! I'm hoping that's it, but then again she didn't seem so happy either when she found out. I wish I wouldn't have been there to tell them the news, it was awkward!

lmills730

peanut+muse:

Without further information, I have to be honest and say that it sounds like you are overreacting. The world does not revolve around you and the baby, and I think it's absolutely unnecessary that she ask you about the baby every time she calls.

I mean, I have an annoying MIL too. And I can understand the feeling that she only puts up with you because you married her son. I think my MIL feels the same way, but it doesn't bother me because I pretty much feel the same way about her. My family is definitely more supportive than his, but who cares? That's pretty much how life is.

If you can't pull yourself together and be polite and respectful about having dinner with his family, I would say that you are being quite immature.

Agreed. My MIL is super annoying too and definitely does not ask about the baby when she calls DH weekly. Sometimes she does but its more rare than common. My family is much more involved and it doesn't bother DH because his family has always been that way. I think you just need to suck it up for dinner and think about putting up with her because she's your husband's mother. But I totally understand and usually roll my eyes when I am in a safe place after interactions with my in-laws .

LimeDrops

growingmybun:

Perhaps your situation is different, but my in laws were pretty hands off when I was pregnant with my son, but they are amazing grandparents.  I would offer that it might feel awkward for them to ask a lot because you are not their daughter and pregnancy is kind of personal/intimate.  It may be something else, but just offering a thought.

This. My ILs love my kids like nothing else, but aside from the occasional vague "how are you feeling" at family functions, pregnancy is not discussed a lot. No more so than it would be with a neighbor or old acquaintance. I think they just want to respect my privacy. At this stage, it's pretty much a medical thing and that can be awkward for some people.

My own mother and sister get much more involved, asking when is the next appointment, what are you craving, etc... But naturally we're just more intimate with each other in general than I am with ILs.

If you want to share with her, just bring it up. I wouldn't expect a lot of check-ins from her end though. 

TNgoldengirl

peanut+muse:

TNgoldengirl:

Friend, it sounds like you need to have your MIL babysit once or twice a month so you and your husband can have date nights. (as per your post last night? the night before?) Your MIL can have grandma duty that she so clearly wants, and you can get the time away you need.

I think you're right!

rowanthefrog

I would gently agree with peanut....beyond the usual, "how are you feeling?" what are you really expecting her to ask? She probably expects that you will tell her anything important going on, and some people are very into baby news and some people just aren't. 

I know it can be tough sometimes because YOU and DH are so excited about being pg, and I'm sure MIL is also excited, but its not the lifechanging news for her that it is for you. Not yet anyway.

I'd try to chill out if you can. Maintaining a good rship with her is important, especially if you want to her to help you once the baby comes.

A 

ETA: I have a GREAT rship with my MIL and she hasn't called once to ask about the baby. To me its NBD. 

sugarland726

I feel bad for MILs. They can't ever win. Either they are too present in their son and DIL's lives, or they are not present enough. It seems like there is always a time a DIL will b!tch about their behavior. To be honest, there's not much going on in your pregnancy right now. It's not like she can ask if the baby was kicking, or if you are having labor signs, or any of that crap. First tri is a lot of "same old same old" happenings.

If you so obviously don't want to be present around her, the feeling is probably mutual and she writes you off a bit. You can't have your cake and eat it too. Do you want her present and asking questions about how you and the baby are feeling? Or do you want to avoid dinners and important family functions, like telling them you are pregnant?

yogi1012

sugarland726:

I feel bad for MILs. They can't ever win. Either they are too present in their son and DIL's lives, or they are not present enough. It seems like there is always a time a DIL will b!tch about their behavior. To be honest, there's not much going on in your pregnancy right now. It's not like she can ask if the baby was kicking, or if you are having labor signs, or any of that crap. First tri is a lot of "same old same old" happenings.
If you so obviously don't want to be present around her, the feeling is probably mutual and she writes you off a bit. You can't have your cake and eat it too. Do you want her present and asking questions about how you and the baby are feeling? Or do you want to avoid dinners and important family functions, like telling them you are pregnant?[/quote
This. It sounds like she can't win. Kill 'em with kindness! If you see them and show attitude, it does not help! I had some issues early on with my ILs, as DH proposed after 6 months and they thought it was too soon and I was controlling. Now, we have a great relationship and are so close. I love my ILs! For them, it was hard that their family dynamic was changing and they had no control, but we are all over it, and I am so glad we all got past it!

moosebaby2011

sugarland726:

I feel bad for MILs. They can't ever win. Either they are too present in their son and DIL's lives, or they are not present enough. It seems like there is always a time a DIL will b!tch about their behavior. To be honest, there's not much going on in your pregnancy right now. It's not like she can ask if the baby was kicking, or if you are having labor signs, or any of that crap. First tri is a lot of "same old same old" happenings.

If you so obviously don't want to be present around her, the feeling is probably mutual and she writes you off a bit. You can't have your cake and eat it too. Do you want her present and asking questions about how you and the baby are feeling? Or do you want to avoid dinners and important family functions, like telling them you are pregnant?

I tend to agree w/Sugar. 

FormerlyKrista555

growingmybun:

Perhaps your situation is different, but my in laws were pretty hands off when I was pregnant with my son, but they are amazing grandparents.  I would offer that it might feel awkward for them to ask a lot because you are not their daughter and pregnancy is kind of personal/intimate.  It may be something else, but just offering a thought.

This is how my parents are.  They don't act excited for any pregnancy announcements (this baby is #13 grandchild),  and they never ask about the pregnancies,  but once the baby is born they are doting grandparents.

I think my parents are just really old fashioned and talking about pregnancy details is uncomfortable for them, for some reason.  They are from a generation where women were expected to try to hide their baby bumps, etc.

cja06

My own mother rarely asks about the baby and seldom asks about the 2 grand children she has. I know she cares and loves them in her own way. Some people just don't express it well.

 Try not to let it bother you and focus on all the people who are caring and supportive.

sanibelshan

It's a tough predicament to be in when you feel like one side (or person) of the family is disinterested in the biggest, most important thing going on in your life.  I'm in a similar situation and I feel disappointed in the reaction of my ILs.  I tried really hard to get them excited and make them feel included even though they live far away and it had exactly the outcome my husband predicted - minimal interest.  It stinks!  I've been around my ILs for ten years and not much has changed for the better, unfortunately.  I've tried to limit my interactions and avoid situations that I know will end up problematic and when I am with them, I'm courteous and civil and leave it at that.  We'll never be the happy, comfortable family that I hoped for, but I'm (slowly) learning that it's okay - I have other great fantastic family and friends that fill the void I feel with the ILs.  Good luck with your dinner.  Sometimes you just have to smile through gritted teeth to get through it.  

hopeful808

My inlaws ask how I am doing but, they don't ask specifically about the fetus. They know that my DH or I can and would tell them anything more we wanted them to know about the pregnancy. I think that later on they may ask more like about kicking and such. However, they have always been open in the sense that we know we can share anything with them but, they never pry for information either.  So if I want them to know about the latest ultrasound, heartbeat, etc we need to tell them, they won't be asking.

I'd say if you want her to know more about your pregnancy then involve her by telling her or having your DH keep her informed. 

peanutmuse

It seems like your SIL had a pretty tame reaction. For reference, while discussing awkward and mean things people have said to us:

mamezcua9015:

peanut+muse:

mamezcua9015:

SIL:"what did I miss? Oh, I already knew that. I could tell, but congrats!"

Is this the awkward reaction you were referring to in your thread about your in-laws? For some reason, I imagined it much, much worse.

No, that's just one reaction.

 

So what were some of the other reactions, so I can understand better? I'm really trying to understand. You said, "I don't know how I will get through it, without giving an obvious expression that I don't want to be in the same room with her." What has she done, other than not ask about the baby, that makes you feel this way? Help me understand.

 

MissMandyD

My MIL pretends I don't exist and has spoken to DH 4 times in the last year. When we told her about the pregnancy she pretended not to get the card and voicemail. When we told her it was twins she responded by saying that "it didn't really matter because she would be dead by the time they arrive" and she also recounted her entire full term still birth story. I should probably clarify that she is not seriously ill in any way and makes up illness to keep my FIL sucking up to her and she spent my DH's entire childhood making him feel like a disappointment compared to the potential his still born brother had. 

Sorry the rant but the subject of in laws is a touchy one for me. I feel your pain! 

salsamommy

MissMandyD:

My MIL pretends I don't exist and has spoken to DH 4 times in the last year. When we told her about the pregnancy she pretended not to get the card and voicemail. When we told her it was twins she responded by saying that "it didn't really matter because she would be dead by the time they arrive" and she also recounted her entire full term still birth story. I should probably clarify that she is not seriously ill in any way and makes up illness to keep my FIL sucking up to her and she spent my DH's entire childhood making him feel like a disappointment compared to the potential his still born brother had. 

Sorry the rant but the subject of in laws is a touchy one for me. I feel your pain! 

I also feel the In Law pain!! I was very willing to build a relationship with them and told them about pregnancy with DS. They showed up from England to DS' baptism and disrespected my family, my friends, and me! They completely ruined that day for us... I tried to ignore it ... but when people were then approaching me about how rude they were and especially to my family, I had enough. My family has no pictures with DS on his baptism, because they refused to let my family have any pictures with him on their own!! And the rude comments continued after they left towards me ... so I cut them off ... I haven't spoken to them since with no plans to speak to them!  *there's my rant over. I'm still very bitter towards them*

peanutmuse

ANDYLEAH:

MissMandyD:

My MIL pretends I don't exist and has spoken to DH 4 times in the last year.

My family has no pictures with DS on his baptism, because they refused to let my family have any pictures with him on their own!!

Mandy, your situation stinks.

Andyleah --  that is a really weird thing that they did, not allowing pics alone with your son. Did you know that was happening?

S/O pictures, my MIL tried to leave the church during the 30 minutes (30 minutes!!) we were doing family photos for our wedding. I had had it up to my eyeballs with her at that point for other crazy stuff that had gone on that weekend, and literally shouted, "NO. You are staying here to have pictures with your son on his wedding day." Everyone was silent, and probably a lot of people thought I was a bit crazy. And I probably was, but she drove me there. What a sight, me screaming at my MIL on my wedding day.

Oh, one other crazy cakes MIL story. I invited my bridesmaids and our mothers to a luncheon the day before the wedding. MIL was the only one who declined, and the reason she gave me was because it was too much eating for one day. I told her that she didn't have to eat, she could just join us, because it was supposed to be a special thing that I did for everyone. Nope, still wouldn't go.

halfthetree

peanutmuse:

Without further information, I have to be honest and say that it sounds like you are overreacting. The world does not revolve around you and the baby, and I think it's absolutely unnecessary that she ask you about the baby every time she calls.I mean, I have an annoying MIL too. And I can understand the feeling that she only puts up with you because you married her son. I think my MIL feels the same way, but it doesn't bother me because I pretty much feel the same way about her. My family is definitely more supportive than his, but who cares? That's pretty much how life is.If you can't pull yourself together and be polite and respectful about having dinner with his family, I would say that you are being quite immature.

This X100000.
This isn't against you personally but I can't stand when women act like they are the first woman to ever be pregnant and the world should stop for them. It irritates the hell out of me.

peanutmuse

Stephanie185:

peanutmuse:

Without further information, I have to be honest and say that it sounds like you are overreacting. The world does not revolve around you and the baby, and I think it's absolutely unnecessary that she ask you about the baby every time she calls.I mean, I have an annoying MIL too. And I can understand the feeling that she only puts up with you because you married her son. I think my MIL feels the same way, but it doesn't bother me because I pretty much feel the same way about her. My family is definitely more supportive than his, but who cares? That's pretty much how life is.If you can't pull yourself together and be polite and respectful about having dinner with his family, I would say that you are being quite immature.

This X100000. This isn't against you personally but I can't stand when women act like they are the first woman to ever be pregnant and the world should stop for them. It irritates the hell out of me.

The other thing is that I have a hard time being sympathetic when there doesn't seem to be a reason to be. We all have our in law horror stories, and plenty of people have shared them here. Except the OP. Yup, I am having a hard time drumming up sympathy here.