problem with BD and child support

angieshenanigans

Well my children's father has not ponied up one red cent in months.  He has every excuse in the world.  My FI has stepped up and is helping with all household expenses, such as daycare, items the kids need for school.  He takes them out on walks every night, built them a pool, reads to them at bed..He loves them.  On the other hand, the biological father cancels all the time and only wants to see his kids when he can display them as his little trouphies around his family.  Meanwhile, he owes me 9k in back support.  FI and I have a great oppotunity to move to another  state, he'd get paid better, we would be near the beach,and more of my family.  I could continue my school full time and finish my masters degree that much sooner.  I hate the idea of taking them away from their father, but he never pays, he constantly cancels or reschedules their visits and I am just so through.  What you BF do??

SimpleJane

First, what does your CO say about relocation?

Pamelacake

I would definitely look at your C/O.

If youre good then, do everything in writing to the judge as well as X or whatever your specific guidelines tell you to do. But if you are moving away, you will probably have to go to court anyways to get a new C/O. GL

fellesferie

So look, I have been in your shoes. When XH and I first split, he was kind of like this. He always paid CS but it was what he wanted to pay (half the amount the state calculator obligated him to pay). He very consistently cut back on his parenting time until he was only seeing DS like every other month. 99% of XH's parenting time is being dad in front of his family. So I get where you're coming from. 

But a few things to consider:

1) As other people mentioned, what does your court order say? Unless you have one specifically allowing you to move away, most states prohibit it. My attorney knew parents who had moved away without the court's permission, and had been forced to move back.

2) You need to separate out the issues of money and parenting time. The fact that he owes you almost $10k in back support has nothing to do with how much or little he sees the kids. Even if he owed you $50k, you are still responsible for supporting his parenting time. 

3) You aren't married yet. Being in a blended family is like a big red flashing reminder that relationships (marriages, too) don't always work out like we plan. Just something to think about.

4) I don't know how old your kids are, but are you okay with telling them one day that you thought it was more important to have more money and be near the beach than for them to be near their dad? Right now, your ex's lack of relationship with the kids is on him. But if you move, your kids could blame it on you (and they would be at least right).

I don't mean to be negative. You obviously need to do what you think is right for your family. There are just a lot of ways this can come back to bite you, and I'm trying to point out some of them.  

new+tothis

Pamelacake:

I would definitely look at your C/O.

If youre good then, do everything in writing to the judge as well as X or whatever your specific guidelines tell you to do. But if you are moving away, you will probably have to go to court anyways to get a new C/O. GL

This. When you have a blended family moving really isn't up to you. You have to either agree to it or be permitted to by the court. Would BD consent to you moving (of course, in writing and filed with the court)? Ditto the PP who talked about having to explain this to your kids down the road and not necessarily being in a permanent position.

Wahoo

Yes, a relationship with their BD is EXTREMELY important, and I guess it depends what you mean by "constantly" missing visits. Do you mean he misses 1x a month, or he only ends up seeing his kids 1x per month?

If your ex is not paying his support, it maybe make more sense for you to move to go to school, get your master's degree, and be better able to provide for the children on your own (even if your fi was not an issue).

I would start documenting all of the lost parenting time when ex misses his visits. Start building your case for being able to move, even if it means changing the CO.

The move will mean changes for you as well.  Are you willing to drive several hours for a 1/2 way destination to meet BD - at least once a month?  Are you willing to give up your kids for the whole Christmas holiday or Spring break?  Several weeks over the summer? 

Will an advanced degree make sense from a financial point of view, given what the cost of the degree will be and what salaries will be for professionals in your field (a master's degree in social work may not bump up your salary enough to be worth the cost of going to school, where a master's degree in engineering will pay for itself).  Will you end up getting a master's degree, only to become a SAHM once you and your FI have kids together? 

MommyEllenSue

fellesferie:

So look, I have been in your shoes. When XH and I first split, he was kind of like this. He always paid CS but it was what he wanted to pay half the amount the state calculator obligated him to pay. He very consistently cut back on his parenting time until he was only seeing DS like every other month. 99 of XH's parenting time is being dad in front of his family. So I get where you're coming from.nbsp;But a few things to consider:1 As other people mentioned, what does your court order say? Unless you have one specifically allowing you to move away, most states prohibit it. My attorney knew parents who had moved away without the court's permission, and had been forced to move back. 2 You need to separate out the issues of money and parenting time. The fact that he owes you almost 10k in back support has nothing to do with how much or little he sees the kids. Even if he owed you 50k, you are still responsible for supporting his parenting time.nbsp;3 You aren't married yet. Being in a blended family is like a big red flashing reminder that relationships marriages, too don't always work out like we plan. Just something to think about.4 I don't know how old your kids are, but are you okay with telling them one day that you thought it was more important to have more money and be near the beach than for them to be near their dad? Right now, your ex's lack of relationship with the kids is on him. But if you move, your kids could blame it on you and they would be at least right.I don't mean to be negative. You obviously need to do what you think is right for your family. There are just a lot of ways this can come back to bite you, and I'm trying to point out some of them. nbsp;

This is great advice and things to think about.

Mrs.H.

I HATE when I read  that one parent wants to move and separate their child from the other parent.

UNFAIR TO CHILD!!!

 

 

OutOfStep81

fellesferie:

So look, I have been in your shoes. When XH and I first split, he was kind of like this. He always paid CS but it was what he wanted to pay half the amount the state calculator obligated him to pay. He very consistently cut back on his parenting time until he was only seeing DS like every other month. 99 of XH's parenting time is being dad in front of his family. So I get where you're coming from.nbsp;But a few things to consider:1 As other people mentioned, what does your court order say? Unless you have one specifically allowing you to move away, most states prohibit it. My attorney knew parents who had moved away without the court's permission, and had been forced to move back. 2 You need to separate out the issues of money and parenting time. The fact that he owes you almost 10k in back support has nothing to do with how much or little he sees the kids. Even if he owed you 50k, you are still responsible for supporting his parenting time.nbsp;3 You aren't married yet. Being in a blended family is like a big red flashing reminder that relationships marriages, too don't always work out like we plan. Just something to think about.4 I don't know how old your kids are, but are you okay with telling them one day that you thought it was more important to have more money and be near the beach than for them to be near their dad? Right now, your ex's lack of relationship with the kids is on him. But if you move, your kids could blame it on you and they would be at least right.I don't mean to be negative. You obviously need to do what you think is right for your family. There are just a lot of ways this can come back to bite you, and I'm trying to point out some of them. nbsp;

Excellent advice.

::mobile thumbs up::

Lavender P

Mrs.H.:

I HATE when I readnbsp; that one parent wants to move and separate their child from the other parent.UNFAIR TO CHILD!!!nbsp;nbsp;

The entire blended family situation is unfair to the child. The fact that one family may make tons more money then another is unfair to the child. The fact that some parents can pay for private schools and others can't is unfair to the child. Its not fair that the kids in the OP are owed 10k in support and aren't getting it. My point is that nothing in life is really 'fair.' However if the OP has an opportunity to make a better life for her and the kids I don't think it is necessarily fair that they miss out because of a dad that is barely involved. I'm not advocating that the CP in any situation be unilaterally able to pick up and move. I just think it is important for her to look at the CO and see what her options are. Any choice she makes will have ramifications upon her and her children; she has to determine what is legally permitted. Then decide from there what is in the best interest of her kids, which may or may not be to move.