How do you know when you?re ready?

mmille19

I really need some opinions and support. I have been married for almost 3 years and am 26 years old. DH and I have been thinking of TTGP for about a year but things have yet to fall into place exactly as we want. I know people always say that things will never be perfect and if you wait for the right time it will never happen. I honestly don?t know if we are not ready or if I am just scared. I feel like whenever I really try to plan our future I get freaked and stressed. I know a part of me is just making excuses because a baby is such a big deal and i don't want to mess it up. I want children so bad but it is such a scary step to take. I think I worry about to many things and I don?t think DH worries enough. If it was up to him we would already have a LO.

I commute 45 minutes to work. I really like my job and don?t want to leave it and but I don?t know it will work with a LO. We are also renting a basement apartment. Basically it is a great setup, and a lot cheaper than smaller apartments in our area but it still doesn?t feel like ?our? space. And with a baby I want to have that feeling of having our own space. Daycare also worries me and being kind of far from both of our families suck too. Those are the main things i worry about but honestly those are things we cant change now. We are staying in our area because of our jobs, we dont want to move out of our apartment yet because it is so cheap and is giving us the chance to save money, and we will probably away be an hour away from family. Ugh. I don?t know.

When did you feel you were ready to start having children? Am i being too picky? A part of me thinks wait another year is the right choice but a large part just keeps feeling like things aren't going to change that much in a year and we will never have things ?perfect?. We are happy with our life now and I know we will be even more happy with a LO around. 

kitchen0nfire

You sound like my husband... I would give anything to have a LO, but I also understand DH's point of view. We're not financially stable yet and live in a really tight space. But I've seen so many ppl have kids with so much less and they seem so happy.

I think that if you're having doubts, you're not ready. A baby is a lifetime commitment a to love, cherish, and raise a living person you haven't even met yet. If that scares you or puts in you doubt, I think you should have a talk with hubby about it and go from there.  

Eastie156

Lurking over here today from my BMB, but I posted a very similar question what seems like eons ago on the Bump. Basically, if you have to ask, you aren't ready. You'll know when you are and it won't be a question that you have to ask others. I hope this isn't sounding snarky, but it's what will happen, I promise. If you aren't ready, don't push it. Babies are a lot of work for someone who is ready, never mind someone who isn't quite there yet. Enjoy being childless awhile longer and you'll be ready soon enough. GL!

sparklerose

I agree with PP's that if your really unsure, you're probably not ready.

 DH and I were in a similar situation before we had DS. We kept waiting since we didnt own a home and had a small space and things weren't quite where we wanted them. We decided we didnt want to wait any longer, age was a factor, and so we went for it. I commute almost an hour each way, and I rush out to pick up DS on time for daycare everyday...but he loves it there and even when I get there at closing time he doesnt want to leave. Our space was small, but it was actually nice to not have much to clean and take care of with a newborn.

There are so many facors, I do agree with the "there is no perfect time" but its important to make sure you're really ready. I like the idea of making a list of things you'd like to do before baby and start there.

dragonfly711

I dont know if you are every completely ready.  My hubby has to have everything planned.  I wanted to ttc before him but he kept on saying we cant afford to have a baby right now.  Mostly due to child care.  We do not have anyone in the family that would be able to watch our child.  

I am looking for a lead teaching job, have not been able to find one.  I am an assistant teacher at a private school, almost like co teaching but not the salary of a lead teacher.  I work and hour from home!!!  

We decided to finally ttc last Dec, got pregnant right away, we were super excited.  MC in Feb.  So so upset.  Now that we have Mc all I can think about is wanting a baby.  It will be tight financially.  We do have a house and hubby has a good job but financially it will be very tight but we will make due.  There are so many people out there that are struggling more than we are and have more than one child.

It is so hard to know exactly when the time is right, if you have doubts then wait a little while.  You will know when the time is right for your and your hubby. Just remember it will never be the "perfect" time but you will do just fine!!!! 

Lola246

For me personally I was like you for awhile. Like up in the air. If not now then when?!? I kinda just thought it out a lot by myself at first. Then sometime about 2 months ago it almost seems like thinks cliked into place. For the longest time pregnancy was what scared me the most. But now I feel happy about becoming pregnante and all that comes with it. I still get scared from time to time. But my gut tells me it's time. A lot of women I talk to say once you listen to your gut you'll know what to do. Good luck!!

mmiller7460

This is definitey going to sound very cliche, but you will know when you are ready. My DH and I talked for a while about trying for our first LO, but never quite started because of one reason or another. Eventually the time came when we were 100% ready to start trying. It's true that if you wait for the timing to be perfect for a baby, you'll never have one, but you can also take a few steps to make yourself more prepared for a family. For example, we bought a house, saved money, looked into both daycare in our area and also the possibility of me becoming a SAHM, etc. I am not saying you need to buy a house or do what we did, everyone is different when it comes to the things that make them feel secure. I have friends who are married with children and have no savings and rent their homes, and they are perfectly happy. u will know when it's the right time. Good luck!! :-)

55

It's a very individual thing. Some people need to set goals and cross those goals off the list before they feel ready. Others just know, and some just know that the perfect time will never come. You just need to recognize which type of person you are.

For me, it was when I started thinking I wanted one, but didn't say anything because I didn't think my husband was ready. Then, one day, after seeing our friend's baby girl, my husband said, "I want a little Stella." I admitted that I did, too. That's when we really started talking about it and realized we're as ready as we will ever be. The thought of pregnancy and childbirth scares me still, and I'm a little scared of the newborn months, but I know that those things are going to be there no matter when we have a baby, so there's no reason for us to put it off. 

WndrlstJosephine

Wow, I just posted practically the same question...seems you and I have a lot in common!  I think it's important to remember that all people are different, so I cringe a little bit at the people who give definitive answers like "you're not ready."  Remember that everyone makes decision differently.  

That being said, I definitely know where you're coming from.  It's just such a huge decision, and there are things about having a baby that will really suck (let's be honest here).  I appreciate the commenter who recommended a pros/cons list, because perhaps some of us will never be so blinded by baby fever that we can't still see the cons?  Maybe a list that shows the pros outweigh the cons is what we need?  

I'm also very torn about work, because I had always planned to be a stay-at-home mom, but the more real that possibility becomes the more it scares me.  I have a master's degree and a great job in my chosen career path, and I'm afraid I'll lose a lot of my identity if I don't have that anymore.  However, I was also raised to think daycare is not an option, and the thought of working FT and having a baby is quite overwhelming.  So I don't know what to do about that.  I constantly feel torn.

My husband is totally ready (or so he says), but I also think he doesn't worry about it enough!  (Seriously, we should be BFFs.) :-)  I don't think he has any idea just how much our lives will change, and I wish the gravity of it would hit him a little more.  I also think he knows it won't impact him as much as it will me.  Also scary.

Maybe people like you and me are just a bit more analytic.  Maybe we're overthinkers.  Maybe other women don't delve so deeply into the "what ifs" and are able to trust that things will work themselves out (which they will).  Or maybe we're not ready.  I have no idea, but I'm glad I'm not the only one who feels this way.  :-)