Blended Families
tilsonc
member
Options
How did you know your marriage was on the rocks?
tilsonc
member
I am from another board, but wanted to see if I could get some advice. We have a 3 month old and things have been so different since I was midway through my pregnancy. I feel like my husband has given me a hard time about gaining weight and doesn't find me attractive. I was thinking the other day that I would love to have another child, but that I don't think I can go through how my husband treated me during my preg (and afterwards). I almost did not invite him to the 1st appt with the dr as I was in tears over something he had said to me. Eveyrthing seemd to get better until mid preg and things are still not right. How did you know your marriage was on the rocks?
This discussion has been closed.
Re: How did you know your marriage was on the rocks?
I was crying every day and my husband (XH) was having an emotional affair. But I can actually pinpoint it to a single moment.
We were sitting in the car, and he put in a CD that was full of music I'd never heard before. I said something about how I'd never heard of any of this, and he looked at me super cold and said "We don't listen to the same music anymore."
He had a mix CD that someone had made him that he'd never told me about. That realization combined with what he said was the moment I understood we were in trouble.
We split about 3ish months later.
In terms of pregnancy, it's only something you can answer. During my second pregnancy (with my current husband) I was crying and emotional with some frequency. But DH was always wonderful to me. I knew I was the one acting like a loon.
When XH and I got out of couples therapy and he said, "You make me look bad" after I thought we made good progress - AND i realized, recognized, and apologized for my bad behavior and promised to work on it to help save our marriage.
I knew then it was dead.
But there is more to it. XH took me for granted and I suddenly realized I did not have a husband and partner in life - I had another "kid" and burden/responsibility of financially supporting him. I was emotionally, mentally & physically drowning.
You will know when you are done. But make an effort to fix what you think can be fixed. You can make an effort to lose weight. He can be nicer and more supportive about it. That's fixable. Figure out what are your deal breakers and what you can live with and work on. Go from there.
When we were living in the same house but he barely spoke to me for 5 weeks in a row. Anytime he was near me he would ignore me or give me a dirty look. Then he would smile and laugh while he was texting on his phone. Finally he told me he was going to start spending time overnight at an undisclosed location. I went to my attorney and filed court papers for custody of my son the next day.
Mostly though, I felt unsupported. I remember being on the phone with my mom and saying to her, what if I got cancer or something and I was dying. Where would I want to be? Who could I count on to help me through that? Not my husband. I knew he wouldnt be there. That was the point I really knew I needed more from a partner.
I knew my marriage was over when I no longer felt loved. I felt that we were together because we owned a house together and that's it. He was distant, the fights were constant, and mainly I just didn't feel loved. Of course, his drinking helped nothing and added to the overall misery. I found myself no longer caring how much he drank as long as he passed out and left me alone. He loved the alcohol more than he loved me and that was the hard truth. I left, never looked back, and never regretted it. I just wish I had left sooner.
Oh my marriage was over long long before I wanted to believe it. He took me for granted, treated me like his personal slave, wanted food cooked, wouldn't pay the bills, he couldn't even bother to deposit his cheques when he got them, even if we had no food in the house. Which I found out why later when I threw his out. He would binge eat everything he could get his hands on while we all slept. He was emotionally abusive to the kids and I, became physically abuse with me. Emotional affairs, while I was pregnant. He even started cheating after that. I guess when I started wishing he was dead on a nightly bases(he has a bad heart) crying myself to sleep.
I had my mind made up before I actually tossed him out, I was waiting till his next payday then was booting him. But he had a heart attack, and of course I blamed myself. Not the fact that hes a drug addict or has a drinking problem, but my wishing he was dead. So I toughed it out 3 more months then he was back with the drugs and alcohol, he went after my oldest boy for arguing with his sister (they were doing dishes was not a big issue). We ran out of heat earlier that day and he refused to go get oil, or wood that I had bought, but he had dropped off at a friends house. The next day I tossed his , he tried to play his heart but by that time my heart had gone cold.