Update on my situation

GetwickMom

First, thank you ladies for your support this is super difficult for me.

Today I tore our house apart and found the following:
Tamoxifen
Clomid
Proviron
Stanazolol Winzol
Cialis
GnRH
Melantonan injectable melatonin
Xanax

And over 100 syringes and needles.

I am devastated. I feel like I never knew him. I called his training partner who was on the Olympic squad with him and just had a baby and was like "WTF? Did you know about this stuff?!l" he swore he didn't and that as a new dad he couldn't imagine doing something that would make it harder to be a father. He did tell me who gave the drugs to DH.

I confronted him and he said that he was ashamed that he needed to take performance enhancers and that's why he kept it from me but we've been together for three years which is a long time to lie to someone.

He swears he's sorry and he'll stop but I just don't know what to do. I mean for the past nine months I've lived with the pain and fear that in addition to me not being able to carry a pregnancy, we might not be able to have a bio child together because of his condition, and now to find out that he's been actively hurting his reproductive system and even lying to our RE?! It just feels like too much.

LittleLady77

I'm so sorry.  This is a ton to handle.  I'm sending you big hugs and I hope you are able to find a way forward.

firesiren

I am so sorry.  I can't imagine how you feel.  ((HUGS))

2MamazInSeattle

Wow, you must just be so shocked and hurt. But if I may put on my pop-psychology hat - this has a lot to do with HIM and not a lot to do with. It sounds like he was mitigating his own self-esteem issues with drugs which allowed him to feel better about himself. I doubt he intended to hurt you or your chances to have a baby at all. It may even be he has some form of depression, etc. and this was a version of 'self-medicating.' I'm not excusing him and you definitely have some work to do as a couple - but if I look at your husband from a compassionate point of view, this behavior seems to align to personal issues so big for him that he didn't even have the bandwidth to consider how it might hurt you. Best of luck as you move on though, you are entitled to all the feelings you are having right now!

happywifemomofone

I'm so sorry that you are going through this.  Hope that you can find your way forward as a couple.  You have every right to feel hurt and betrayed, hoping that you will help him to find the help that he needs.  Big (((Hugs)))