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Blended Families
Ndsales
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At wits end
Ndsales
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So we have court on Monday to see what CPs is going to do with everything with ss. We have been told CPs wants to try place ss back in the home with his mother. This summer has been a night mare. Ss tells his counselor I'm ruining his life because I just won't le he move back to Iowa. Ss tells m daily that dh and ds will be going back to iowa with him. he lies and it is just gettin worse. im to the point ds and i will move out. i cant do this. dh tells me im lying because ss was not like this last summer. I'm at my wits end. Ds first birthday was yesterday and ss took all ds's presents. They are baby toys and 12 month clothes. He claims they will fit him. He hurts ds and says its not him. I watched him kick his brother into the coffee table. Dh and I are constantly fight because of it. Ss will not listen to me when I tell him no on things and when he acted out at swimming lessons and I tried to get him out of the pool he refused and swam away from the edge. I'm to the point where I can't do this any more. I'm worried for ds and my sanity. Ds does not need to see mommy cry all the time
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Re: At wits end
If he has genital herpes and someone did not "wash their hands" that's still sexual abuse. I'm finding it hard to believe that professionals are just blowing this off as nothing and saying it like that. Something serious and terrible obviously happened to this boy. When did his behavior start changing and turning for the worse?
I am sadly not surprised.
I've called CPS on BM twice and the second time was for something very serious and at the least warranted an interview or further review, none of which occurred.
Instead of asking me questions about the incident the CPS worker asked me why I was continuing to call BMs boyfriend just her boyfriend when he fathered another child in the home...like I was judging her. She said it was clearly a significant relationship not just a boyfriend...uhh idiot worker first that has nothing to do with anything and second they're not married, they're not in a civil union, he's her boyfriend... I literally fear for the kids in our county. I've also seen the system FAIL horribly in professional settings but obviously I can't give those examples
What I will say with my experience with CPS is that they are reactionary and they have to have either a cooperative witness or a judge to be willing to do anything.
The OP's assessment that if SS doesn't cooperate there's no case is pretty spot on unfortunately. The case worker can cover her a by reporting that the judge did not see a threat and that the child was reporting nothing occurred and its a report from a dad and stepmom which brings in a whole other level of they're just being spiteful and trying to gain custody.
Anyways to the OP I cannot imagine what you're going through, I cannot imagine not having your H's support on these difficult issues or worse calling you a liar.
The truth of the situation is our system is flawed and you can only fight within the confines of it. I have every piece of paperwork and every shred of documentation our judge refused to look at so one day if SS is ever angry or says we didn't fight, I have every legal bill and every judgement, he can see we fought until the system wouldn't let us any more.
We put our jobs, financial security and security of DS on the line, because Bm was coaching SS to say terrible things about us as parents. We put all that on the line for him and lost and now we are done fighting but the evidence, texts from bm's friends and family members, texts from bm's DRUG DEALER, texts from dh to Bms family saying he is sick with worry because Bm picked SS up from a visit one day and disappeared, while bm was reporting Dh never wanted to be involved absolutely speaks for itself.
Sorry did not mean to digress. Good luck in this battle I hope it shakes out the way it's supposed to
I should clarify for those who had not seen my update after the test results. The strain of herpies is the same as the one that causes cold sores. According to cps SS could have gotten them from simply someone who had a cold sore who touched it and not washed their hands and then changed his diaper. The funny thing is, is BM works 10 hours a week, and her parents or boyfriends watch SS. We have had SS in counseling ever since we picked him up. He is going twice a week, but after 5 weeks, he is still not opening up to his counselor about some things. It is getting better though, hopefully he will open up soon and we can get to the bottom of things. His behavior towards us starting turning worse around Thanksgiving time.
We have been saving everything for SS as well. If BM decides to keep SS from DH, DH will have an attorney give a copy to SS when he turns 18. SS is already saing that DH hasnt wanted him until recently other than a week or two here and there, and that just simply is not true. BM continually does not follow the custody order and will just keep SS from DH. then DH has to go to court to show that BM did not follow the rules and the judges in Iowa just tell her to follow the CO. We finally have the Sheriff's department in her county willing to pick him up from her and arrest her for not following the order after they pulled SS from the home in May. According to the Sheriff, Bm's home was in worse condition that we origionally thought.
So what did your DH do when SS took the baby's toys?
Honestly, in this situation, I would leave. You have an obviously emotionally ill SS, whose PARENTS have created and perpetuated the issues (yep, I am throwing your DH into this mix).
The fact that your SS is physically attacking the baby AND that BF not only doesnt do anything about it, but argues with you is scary. It isn't helping/stopping SS from doing the inappropriate actions and is showing SS that you and his half-brother are not equal.
My SS and DH issues were not as severe as yours and it took me separating (I actually flew across an ocean twice) to get DH on track. And even THEN it took another incident where the police and CPS showed up for DH to finally get motivated.
But I would NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER have allowed SS to hurt my child...any child.
If you do not stop it, he will only continue. And your child will get hurt.
He was tested and pulled from BM's house in May. Honestly from my research and what others in the same situation have told me, Iowa does not care about the children, but only the money they are getting from Child Support. We flat out told the judge if he would give us custody, we would not ask for CP from BM, our concernt is not the money, but SS and his well being.
A friend from my parenting board is a SM, a paralegal and over a year into the same situation you are in, different state, except the BM there maintained custody, her SD named the person who hurt her, BM continues to expose SD to that person and CPS has done nothing.
Keep with the counseling, it's still early days there. Set firm boundaries around treatment of DS and get DH on board with defending DS (this is a basic safety issue and not an SS vs DS thing) and setting limits. If he cannot or will not, spend the summer elsewhere with DS. Seriously.
I have a friend who is a Social Worker for Iowa. Trust me, they DO care about the kids, but there are laws and regulations that protect parents from unfair accusations and they are extremely hurting for resources and with little budget to really do much of anything. They have limited resources and their hands are tied in many cases.
Are there bad CPS workers? Yes. The stress and trauma they see is difficult and they get no reprieve from it. What a depressing job. I could not do it.
They also have to deal with people who waste their time. XSD once threatened to call CPS on us. All because she didn't get her way and I called her out on her bullsh*t. She didn't go thru with it, but angry ex's and stupid people trying to get back at someone they dislike waste their time A LOT.
I'm not excusing them, just giving you a different perspective.
If you retain custody, I suggest you find another counselor, and keep seeking one that is more effective. Ask who is the best in your area and fight for your SS. He's angry about something.
Oh, and as for the herpes thing...it's highly unlikely it comes from unwashed hands. There is no reason for anyone to be touching his genitals without a wet cloth, or wipe or something else as a barrier. Unless this person is extremely horrible at washing their hands and touch their cold sores or out break A LOT - this is a pretty weak excuse as to why he may have it. I'd scream yell and fight over this if someone told me this about my daughter and she was acting as your SS is. Something is very WRONG.
If you are not in counseling - you need to be. Both you and your husband. You need to learn how to cope with your SS, and you need some help in how to discipline this boy who is obviously very angry and in a fragile state.
And if he goes back to his mother...find out what you have to do to get him back and don't stop fighting.
I am so scared for your SS. I have this awful feeling he is going to become another statistic. I pray that does not happen to him.
I don't really know what to say about the herpes thing at this point. I can see how it is unlikely that he contracted it through innocent means, but I don't understand why people think it's impossible. Someone didn't have to touch him. If Grandpa Joe had open cold sores the boy could touch his face and then touch himself. My mom gets cold sores and is always hyperaware of not kissing the kids when she has one. But she's a nurse. I don't know that someone without the background and training would be as So, what are the other symptoms or indications that he was abused? What do doctors around you say? If you believe he was being abused then you need to work on building the case on other things besides the herpes.
As for the behavior issues, I agree with Illumine. If your husband refuses to parent (because that's what's happening) and prevents you from parenting, I'd leave. It's not fair to you, and it's not fair to the baby. I also would not be willing to raise a child with someone who was doing a terrible job parenting their elder child.
DH did make SS give the toys back and sent him to his room, but once he is done with time out, SS is back to doing what he was doing before. He has already gotten his game system privlages taken away, and just got his bike back from the last week of being taken away. Depending on what court says today, I have already told DH that I will be staying with my brother until we find a solution for SS. I hate to do that to DS, because he and DH are very close, and DS has never gone a night without DH.
I had to get a new account because my old one was hacked. Sorry for the confusion. I am still working the the bump to get back to my old one.
You need to get a different lawyer if he is telling you that Iowa will give the mom the child everytime. That's not what I was told by two different lawyers - that more and more they are encouraging and ruling shared custody - especially if the father pushes for it.
I can not believe the courts are considering sending him back there. Between this and some other threads recently, I have some serious issues w our court systems in this country!
DH and I are in agreement that when SS takes DS's toys he will not get to play with any toys and will sit at the table for time out. Away from any distractions so he can think about things.
SS had lots of age appropriate toys. lol his entire bedroom is Lego Land. He has a Lego table for his Lego city creations and monster trucks. DH built him an area in the back yard he can jump his remote control monster trucks. Plus DH takes him out on the weekend to ride his dirt bike (well did until he got it taken away for his feet kicking his brother into the coffee table)
We are also not letting this slide. Our attorney is filing an appeal this morning. We are not impressed with the CPS in Iowa or the court systems at this point. We will continue to document everything, and keep fighting.
DH and I are in agreement that when SS takes DS's toys he will not get to play with any toys and will sit at the table for time out. Away from any distractions so he can think about things.
SS had lots of age appropriate toys. lol his entire bedroom is Lego Land. He has a Lego table for his Lego city creations and monster trucks. DH built him an area in the back yard he can jump his remote control monster trucks. Plus DH takes him out on the weekend to ride his dirt bike (well did until he got it taken away for his feet kicking his brother into the coffee table)
We are also not letting this slide. Our attorney is filing an appeal this morning. We are not impressed with the CPS in Iowa or the court systems at this point. We will continue to document everything, and keep fighting.