First Exchange...

ambrvan

Well, SD is having her first weekend with BM this weekend. BM and her mom just picked her up. It went alright.

I could not even look them in the eyes, though. I thought if I looked straight at them I was going to explode.

I was just finishing braiding SD's hair when they got here. I hugged her tight and tried not to cry. I explained everything about her ear plugs to them, gave them one pair and told them what brand to get. BM did not even know what SD was using ear plugs for. She had forgotten about SD's tonsillectomy and tubes in her ears. And then she saw the detangling spray in my hand and even asked what brand worked best on SD's hair and what size clothes she wore and everything because they needed to get new everything now that she is staying there again.

Honestly, it was all kind of common sense questions, but BM has always deferred to me on everything when it comes to SD. Maybe seeing how on top of things I always am will be enough to keep her in line.


Oh and BTW, SD had two four hour visits last week to reacquaint, and I think someone put her up to asking us to buy her clothes and toiletries for their house. Last night, SD was very particular in telling me what she needs and 'all she has' there. I told her I would send her acertain pair of ear plugs since they can be hard to find, but that the adults would take care of their own responsibilities. Then later I slipped in a very matter of fact life lesson comment about how responsible adults always take care of their children before themselves and always make sure their children have what they need.

So maybe that is considered passive aggressive. Or maybe it is considered educational. Whether or not it pertains to BM, it is still a valid and important statement.

Littlejen22

I hope the weekend goes ok. Have you talked to her again about what is private and what is ok and not ok when someone is caring for her and what to do if she is told to shower with her Mom? I still cannot believe you are going through this.

ETA: I am sure you guys already go over this stuff with her but I would think extra about how to explain to her what is not ok even for a parent and find a way to make it that if she has a legitimate reason for you to need to look at her that she knows the difference. I would even go to the extreme of telling her that you or her Dad cannot even look at her or touch her unless you are both present or that if she ever has an issue you will bring her to the doctor and they will examine her with you present but that you and DH would never do it alone because there is no way for her to understand why it is ok for her to come to you for help but not her Mom.

hopanka

This is completely atrocious that you guys are even going through this!

Disgusting! I'm so pissed I really want to call like 20/20 or at least your local news and tell them what injustice is going on in their town....well, I won't, like you guys would benefit from getting that kind of fame and publicity, especially SD, but I really want that axxhole of a judge to be known for what he/she did! Yeah, it's great to send a little girl back to the lion's den!

Anyway, I don't blame you for what you said. Don't cave, they'd better buy their own toilettries and clothes, FFS. All SD needs to know is that the adults will sort that out.

And I totally agree with Jen. SD should be gently reminded about privacy periodically, such as what areas are only hers to touch, etc. She needs to know how to protect herself, unfortunately, at this young age.

Pamelacake

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I just know a bit of your story and your SD and you are both in my thoughts.

I don't think you were wrong at all for the way you said things, I probably wouldn't have handled that as well as you did. I agree that SD needs to know boundaries when it comes to showering and something happening that isn't supposed to.

Thoughts are with you to try to not be too worried this weekend. I know, easier said than done.  

ambrvan

Littlejen, I had an extra talk with uer Thursday night about thay stuff. Of course, she spurred it off onto other tangents, but I hope most of it got through. Privacy is a frequently discussed topic around here, obviously, and by her behavior here I think we have gotten through to her. I think if BM tried to be in the bathroom with her that SD would throw a holy caniption fit.

I also told her that the rules of conduct expected of her here are expected of her everywhere. Which gave me a lead to talkto about it being a rule that SD has to be with her GiGi at all times and never alone with BM. She asked why, and I just told her that is the way it is. I told her that means even at the house or at WalMart, she is not supposed to be without her grandmother ever and it is very important that she follow that rule to be safe. Then we talked about secrets and how we would never ask her to keeo secrets from BM so she should never keep secrets from us, even if someone asks her to. I told her she can always tell us anything, even if someone says it will get her or someone else in trouble or hurt.

I have a feeling some may not agree with me telling her about the supervision order, but I feel it is necessary and perfectly ok. It is not a secret from anyone. So why shouldn't she know? Otherwise, how is she supposed to know that being alone with BM is wrong or dangerous?

Gwenillian

Spooko:

You're a good mom.

This.

4luvof2boys

Gwenillian:

Spooko:

You're a good mom.

This.

Yep, me too. 

Wahoo

I think you did the right thing about telling SD about the rules.  They concern her - why shouldn't she know? 

Also, I noticed in another / earlier thread people advised therapy for SD.  I don't know if the rules are different by state, but in my state, anything that a child says to a therapist can be admitted in court, where if SD reports it to you, it is only "hearsay."  That is another reason why therapy may be a good idea for her, it will be one more way of building a case against BM (whether it's abuse, or even the fact that the visits were not actually supervised).

 Good luck with everything!