No support

Rosebud2587

Hi ladies. I'm mostly a lurker here but just need to vent for a minute. 

My DH is deployed right now so I've been doing the solo parenting thing for the past 6 months. I do what I feel is right for me and DD, including extended breast feeding and bed sharing. The lack of support from my DH and my family is beginning to ware on me. Both DH and my family are constantly getting on my case about weaning DD and getting her to STTN in her crib. They think I just need a few good nights of letting her CIO and my "problems" will be solved. They think she's too old to still be nursing. I disagree with both. I believe the DD will start STTN once she is weaned (as she is still waking up to night nurse) but I am really in no hurry to wean her. After 19 months of waking up with her at night I'm pretty used to it and this routine is working for us. Plus, I just like nursing her and I like having her in bed with me. I'm just so sick of having to constantly defend my choices and being told that "I've trained DD to know that when she cries mommy gets her and snuggles her and nurses her. No wonder she doesn't STTN. You've created a mess by giving in to all her demands." 

Being  the solo parent is hard enough but without any support for my parenting decisions, and being told that I'm making the wrong choices, is wearing my down and making me question my choices even though, in my heart I know I'm doing what is right. I may not be doing it the easy way or the way my family and husband want, but it's what works for us. 

LatteLady5

First of all, everyone but your husband needs to butt out. The way you and your husband choose to parent is not the business of your family. It is your right to tell them. I would simply say something like "I've heard and understand your concerns but what we're doing is working great for us." If they continue to push it, shut the conversation down. It isn't their business.

Now as for your husband I would just tell him how you feel. Right now co-sleeping and nursing are working for you and they're working for your child. Surely he can understand the stress you're under doing it all alone. I believe that parents should be on the same page so this may not be a one time conversation. Listen to his concerns. What is he worried about? Can you address his concerns? This is something you guys are going to have to work out together.

Also, I suggest not complaining/venting to them over sleeping/feeding issues etc. It will just add fuel to their fire. I hope you can figure something out! GL

 

BumbleBee9311

I hear ya! My daughter will be 1 and we co sleep an based on what my father thinks we are ruining our. Child and not preparing her for life! I choose not to share the information with anyone anymore. My daughter is very happy, confident, and hitting all of her milestones early. I am doing what's right for me and my family despite the peanut gallery's feelings.

pitterpatter129

Do you live with any of these people?  If not, they only know what you share!  Just tell them she is an awesome sleeper and that it is recommended to bf until 2.  By 2, she probably won't be bfing all day, so they won't know if you go until she's 10.  Just stop sharing info.  ETA:  Are there any local mom groups you can join?  LLL probably has people with similar parenting.  Then you can have a non-family support network.

 

 

 

 

 

mistd78

I'm so sorry, that has to be hard especially with DH gone.  Your family has no place to tell you that you are doing everything wrong, or creating a mess, or especially heaven forbid teaching your child when she is upset you are there for her.  Your family is not the ones that are raising her, YOU are!  As for DH, that is a hard situation, I can't completely relate, but maybe talking with him about how the both of you want to handle this when he comes home, but right now you feel you are doing the best thing for your daughter.  I am so sorry you are dealing with this and with no support around you.  You are doing everything right, she is loved, cared for and knows mommy is there for her, especially when daddy can't be.  As long as this works for you, keep doing what you feel is best.  It may not be easy but at least it works for you.  I can relate, DD sleeps in bed with me, DH is gone 3 weeks at a time, and she STTN most of the time, but she is with me and is 5 1/2 months old.  GL, lots of hugs!

Emerald27

My LO is also 19 months. We bedshare, nurse on demand, and I plan to let him nurse as long as he has the need.

My mom and MIL don't understand me and are openly critical, but I ignore what they say because I see how happy, independent, loving and gentle DS is. He is happy and balanced and so am I.

I'm sorry you have so little support. Try doing some reading: The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding, The Baby Book, Unconditional Parenting. Surround yourself with info and research that supports your decisions to give you confidence.

I'd also check to see if you have a local LLL group and attend a meeting or cafe. You will likely encounter mothers there who are making similar parenting decisions, and you can find support and help support others there.

skibunny59

pitterpatter129:

Do you live with any of these people?  If not, they only know what you share!  Just tell them she is an awesome sleeper and that it is recommended to bf until 2.  By 2, she probably won't be bfing all day, so they won't know if you go until she's 10.  Just stop sharing info.  ETA:  Are there any local mom groups you can join?  LLL probably has people with similar parenting.  Then you can have a non-family support network.

 

This!  DD is 15 months, doesn't STTN and sleeps with us in our bed.  I really don't offer this information to anyone unless I know they won't judge.  People know that we nurse because that's harder to keep a secret but honestly I don't really care what they think.  

DH sometimes pisses me off because he offers WAY too much info. to his mom.  I don't get him.  He tells his mom stuff and then gets mad when his mom butts in and tries to give advice.  Just stop telling her stuff.  DUH. 

 

 

 

 

 

cpmich

They will always find something to judge. Just don't discuss it with them.

Realize that other parents and grandparents get upset when their kids parent differently because they think you are saying they were bad parents. People are really defensive about their parenting styles.

There are tons of people online who are supportive. If you can't find someone IRL just hold any questions or venting until you are online.

ObLaDi

I think others have given great advice.

The one addition I can think of is that if, after discussion with your husband, he remains uncomfortable with bed sharing, it may make sense to make the transition well ahead of his homecoming so that she doesn't associate his return with being suddenly moved to an unfamiliar sleep situation.

I hope you're able to get on the same page with him, though!

sands42

Oh girl... My husband is a contractor and has been away working since before our DD was born. She is now 2.5 and I'm 20 week pregnant. Do what YOU want to do and feel is right. My husband is gone 75 of the time so you better believe I bed share. I get crap about it from DH and my family... But no one knows what you are going through and how it feels to be you. I finally told myself that and just do the best I can whatever makes myself and DD comfortable. Your family and hubs just have yours and your child's best interest at heart but it's easy to dish out advice when you aren't in the situation.