SO/DH comparing pregnancies

HisChamaoleGirl

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Has your SO/DH compared your pregnancy to the ones of his children? If so, does it bother you and how did you cope/deal with it?

Cheerilee

DH did a few times while I was pregnant with DD.  Mostly, though, it was how I was taking better care of myself than his ex.  I ignored it most of the time and eventually he stopped.  

He also acts like he knows everything there is to know about parenting a baby.  I called his bluff on it since he worked 60 hours a week and his ex was a SAHM (who was sleeping with her boss and gardener while DH was working).     

MommyEllenSue

He did a little bit at first but stopped after I told him that I didn't like it. BM 's pregnancy apparently sent her Bipolar of the charts though. DH did tell me the other day that I was a saint to deal with compared to her, even with my crazy mood swings.

fellesferie

DD was my second pregnancy, and I compared my second to my first. Not all the time. But sometimes. I don't know if my situation was helped or hurt by the fact that everything about DD compared to DS was like night and day. Two completely different experiences w/ pregnancy. Two completely different doctors. Two completely different labors. Two completely different babies.

I asked DH at one point if it bugged him, and he said no. He felt less nervous/scared because I'd already had a baby.

In terms of suggestions, I think it's both unrealistic and unfair to expect that DH would never bring in his first experience. But there's nothing wrong with asking him to limit the comments and/or consider his wording.  

Nineoceans

Dh did once but then I told him every pregnancy is completely different so he didn't again. I don't even know what he compared now because he literally only did it once and it was fleeting.

My moms pregnancy with me is probably more relevant than his exes pregnancy so I told him it wasn't helpful so he didn't mention it again

Sunday924

No he is smarter than that. I would have killed him. LOL Really though I think it's because I'm BM # 3 and maybe BM # 2 taught him a thing or two.

HoolyGo

On occasion, but mostly in the context of this experience being completely different for him because he feels like we're preparing together and he is more involved. He's also discussed the differences between our birth plan and SD's birth plan in that he feels like we're making better more informed choices. So, for me, all the comparisons have been positive, and mostly about his feelings.

I do think we may have issues when it comes to care of the actual baby. He has said things like, "I know how to do X with a baby, because I did it with SD." Usually I just respond, "All babies are different, but it will be great if that works for you."

2chatter

DH did but only in the context of things like "BM drank caffeine all the time" or "I don't think BM took vitamins".  He was shocked at the level of preparation and care that went into it.  He was shocked at how nursing worked.  He had never seen an infant gown.  He had no idea about tummy time.  He had never given a bath.  He was shocked at many, many things.  I finally asked him to stop as it was really annoying.  I also got really angry when hearing these things - about how irresponsible BM is and how much maternal gatekeeping she did to ensure DH was excluded from many, many things.

Ginlyn0

I'm sorry but I think it's ridicuous to limit a parent in their conversations about pregnancy, birth or even their kids as babies.

It seems to be FTM's that have this issue (at least that is what I see). However, what you neglect to see is that it is normal to want to discuss prior experiences. I know I retell things about my pregnancies, deliveries, babies with pregnant women all the time. So if other women are allowed to do so then why are dad's not allowed to just because it's a BF situation???

Yes, every pregnancy is different, every birth is different, every baby is different but that doesn't mean someone can't discuss their experience.

This reminds me of the time my DD was told she couldn't mention my name at her BD's house because it might hurt SM's feelings. OH FREAKING WELL!

irishgirl0525

DH hasn't said anything to compare my pregnancy and BMs, but when I was talking about how I was not at all opposed to having an epidural, he said he was totally on board with that and didn't think that I should put up with major pain if it was going to completely ruin the experience of giving birth.  We were with friends when he said it and he didn't elaborate much, but when I asked him about it later, he said that with their first, his ex had horrible back labor, it aggravated her sciatica and she had an awful labor experience, and refused  any pain medication. 

But as a result, she was immediately resentful of the baby and had a difficult time bonding with her right away, and always referred to how awful the labor experience was and complained about it a lot.  He felt it was a very early indicator of how things went between her and her mom.  He may be reaching a little on that but that was his feeling about it.

 

michelleonthecoast

DH made a few comments about prior pregnancies but not enough to bother me.  I admit I talked about my prior pregnancies a lot more and compared some things.  We both have kids tho so I don't think it was an issue.  The focus of our comments are usually on the kids, not the exes.

DH did make one hurtful comment about how him and his ex couldn't last the 4 weeks postpartum and had sex 3 weeks after.  I admit that pretty much turned me off for a few days!

fellesferie

michelleonthecoast:

DH did make one hurtful comment about how him and his ex couldn't last the 4 weeks postpartum and had sex 3 weeks after.  I admit that pretty much turned me off for a few days!

That's an ill-advised comment if I've ever heard one. YH is lucky he walked away from that one stil in one piece! 

Alohalove

My DH has two kids with his ex.  He didn't make comments very often about his ex's pregnancies, but when he did it was more to say how he noticed that I was so careful about what I ate/drank and the kinds of vitamins and things I was taking.  The few times he did tell me about his ex's pregnancies didn't bother me.  

mikkigold

yes he did but i made sure to tell him how it made me feel. All i asked was that if he did compare to make it about the child and not his XW compared to me.

michelleonthecoast

fellesferie:

michelleonthecoast:

DH did make one hurtful comment about how him and his ex couldn't last the 4 weeks postpartum and had sex 3 weeks after.  I admit that pretty much turned me off for a few days!

That's an ill-advised comment if I've ever heard one. YH is lucky he walked away from that one stil in one piece! 

Yup I was pretty pissed!  He hasn't been dumb enough to say anything since!  Ugh men.... 

sabrina69barnes

gin9874:

I'm sorry but I think it's ridicuous to limit a parent in their conversations about pregnancy, birth or even their kids as babies.

It seems to be FTM's that have this issue (at least that is what I see). However, what you neglect to see is that it is normal to want to discuss prior experiences. I know I retell things about my pregnancies, deliveries, babies with pregnant women all the time. So if other women are allowed to do so then why are dad's not allowed to just because it's a BF situation???

Yes, every pregnancy is different, every birth is different, every baby is different but that doesn't mean someone can't discuss their experience.

This reminds me of the time my DD was told she couldn't mention my name at her BD's house because it might hurt SM's feelings. OH FREAKING WELL!

This.

DH compared my pregnancy with DS2 to BM's pregnancies with SK's. I didn't really think anything of it. I compared my pregnancy with DS2 to my pregnancy with DS1 who isn't biologically DH's.